“Don’t cry.”
“Stay strong.”
“Never let them see you sweat.”
Sound familiar?
For centuries, we’ve worn this armour.
The word human comes from the Latin word humanus, meaning kind, compassionate, real and genuine. Yet somewhere along the way, we changed these rules.
Enter Stoicism. Born to help people endure hardship with reason and resilience, its purpose was noble. But over time, the message twisted: strength became silence, and vulnerability became weakness.
I first noticed it in myself. Years ago, I realised I was holding back emotions, thinking that it would make me stronger.
Then, as a crisis negotiator, I began to see the same pattern in people at their breaking point. They were in deep pain yet fighting to keep a mask of control. That mask didn’t help – it isolated them.
We were never meant to be perfect; we were meant to be connected.
Here’s what neuroscience tells us: emotions are survival tools.
Emotions are chemical signals that prepare the brain and body for action, and when we suppress them, they don’t disappear; they just go deep underground and fester.
Cortisol rises. The prefrontal cortex shuts down. And we don’t tell others how we are feeling.
Sharing emotions, whether verbally or through visible cues, rewires the brain for safety and a sense of belonging. The strongest thing you can do is feel and let others feel with you.
Despite what some may tell you, the world needs more empathy than ever before.
Our brain is now hyper-vigilant and needs to return to our hardwired compassionate self.
Let’s talk!
It Always Happen To Someone Else!
"It always happens to someone else" was my common response when I heard that someone had fallen over. "They just need to harden up", was another. Worse still, I would say, "They are just soft".
So life did what life often does in these situations: it gave me a sneak preview of the dark side as a way of enlightening me. Thanks, life!
Every person that I have met who has had depression is sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and giving. But they are just ordinary people.
Ordinary people who have got busy, who wanted to please, who wanted to help as much as possible, and who forgot about themselves.
Our work scratches at the armour we hide behind, weakening the metal plates that protect us. It keeps us moving forward, running away from our thoughts, and leaves us open and vulnerable. And then suddenly out of nowhere, 'life' comes and slaps us down.
It is often something personal, something that pierces us right in the heart and takes us down. We fight it, but eventually we have to face up to 'life' and we fall into the deep black hole.
It may take a while to get back out, some say twice as long to get out as it does to fall in. "3-to-5", I say - three to five years to climb back out. But the journey is so well worth it.
You learn about yourself, about just how strong you really are. And you are very, very strong indeed. Your mind goes to places that few get the opportunity to go to (and would not want them to go to), and you learn how to live again. It is a second chance at life, a chance to make things right and a chance to help others.
Each of us who has been down this path has a responsibility. A responsibility to help others; to help those who are going through tough times, to provide insight for those who have not been there nor should ever want to, and to ensure that as few people as possible have to fall into the abyss.
Let’s talk!
Acknowledging the Emotion Disarms It!
So often when we are in emotional situations, we go straight to problem-solving. Research shows that men are the worst at this; we just want to help you get on with things and move forward.
Just like a book has a beginning, middle, and end to complete the story, so too do negotiations/mediations. However, the order is different.
Start in the middle. What are you facing right now? Ask the other person, "So what is important to you right now?" Or perhaps, "Let's look at where we are at this moment." This brings everyone to the same state and focuses on the topic.
The next step is to go back in time to examine how you got to the present point.
By doing this - and by acknowledging the emotion they’re experiencing - you allow the other person to explain their situation, they will tell you how they 'feel' about things as the story unfolds, and you allow them to vent. Because they vent as they talk to you, their logic brain will engage. An acknowledged emotion is disarmed.
The third step is to move on with a mutual agreement. So often we suggest something first and wait for the response. If you have allowed the other person to vent adequately and have listened with active listening skills, you would by now have established rapport.
Stop problem-solving, allow an open discussion, and go back over the past before moving forward. Your negotiation/mediation will be much easier.
Let's talk!
December Can Be A Difficult Time For Some People!
December is a time when many struggle with their negative thoughts.
If you are struggling emotionally over the holiday period, then it is important that you contact the right people for help.
For most, a counselling service is often enough to support us through our seasonal struggles. They will explain what is going on inside your head and provide you with the right kind of help and support depending on your unique situation.
For those who have been struggling for some time and the struggle is intensified, it is important that you engage with a qualified psychologist. This is their area of expertise, and they are very good at it. They will give you an in-depth understanding of what is going on and offer practical steps you can take to help and support you. Trust them and follow their guidance.
For those few who are flooded with thoughts of suicide, it is imperative that you call the police, who have specialist negotiators who are trained in immediate crisis intervention. They will stand beside you wherever you are, talk with you, and walk you out of the immediate danger.
In times of celebration while most are enjoying the happy times, there are always those who are struggling with negative thoughts and emotions.
If you are in that position, know that you are not alone, know that there is help, know that you can get out of your situation, and know that you can make new memories to overcome the negative ones.
Often, when we are feeling low, it is because we are allowing our thoughts to consider only the negative things or to dwell on past memories. Stop it!
Make new memories. Help someone in need, give of your time, visit a friend, take a trip. Get involved in new things, it will excite your brain!
You can get through these tough times; there are many of us who are testament to this.
Let’s talk!
Managing Negative Thoughts!
Most of us do it - overthink, overreact, over-worry, and over-analyse
The truth is, we can't stop the negative bias that is hardwired into our brains. I have met many positive people, and when asked if they are positive all the time, the answer is always the same: no.
We need that negative bias to keep us safe, to keep us from making the same mistake that got us into trouble last time, to keep us from doing dumb things, to keep us on alert, and to keep us at our best.
I challenge anyone to tell me that they have never had a negative thought, never sat and pondered their mistakes, never felt guilt or regret, and never wondered "What if" or "If only". History (evolution) ensures that we have these thoughts so that we can survive and thrive.
So what do positive people do?
From what I’ve noticed, positive people manage negative thinking by making amends, dealing with their problems in some practical way, looking for the positives, or dismissing it altogether and moving on if none of the first three options are available.
That's the secret in all of this: if you can't fix it, then forget it. As the thought comes into your head - acknowledge it, apologise or make amends for what occurred, work hard to make it right, look at what you learnt from it, and then move on as quickly as possible.
Worry, guilt, and regret - these are the things that will take you down if you continue to let them get the better of you. (And that’s all they are, thoughts).
Stop being so hard on yourself. The more that you practice this, the easier it will become.
Break the habit, right now. You are the only you that we have, and the world needs you.
Let’s talk!