Why Do Bad Things Happen At Festive Times?

As this is my last post for 2016 I want to encourage you to focus on the positives over the festive season and beyond.

Over the last few days I have been contacted by those who have had some form of tragedy in their life. The usual question is "Why do bad things always happen at Christmas". The simple fact is they don't, bad things happen every day. It's just that Christmas, and other festive occasions such as birthdays, New Year, etc., are a marker on which to place the tragedy.

Ask any emergency service worker what it is like to work on a night shift when there is a full moon, they may tell you that it is busier than any other night. Numerous studies however indicate that this is not the case. What I can tell you is that the jobs we attended during a full moon were strange therefore it felt like there was more of them.

Bad things happen. When they do we look as to why and often there is a cause that we wished we had seen coming. "If only" we tell ourselves.

Bad things happen. Instead of looking for reasons, answers or blame, focus on the positives as much as you can. Spend time reflecting on the good memories, or maybe the bad times if the former doesn't work for you. Think about how the person made your life better and that you are grieving because they came into your life. Imagine how different it would be if you hadn't known them at all?

Bad things happen. Acknowledge it, find out as much as you can about it, help yourself to come to terms with it, and then help others in whatever way you can.

Personally, I have given up on questioning why bad things happen. I now try as much as possible to accept it and make the best of the situation as much as my hard-wired brain will allow me to. May I encourage you to do the same.

By all means cry, shout, get angry, express out loud how you feel. That is a good thing to do as suppressing emotions is detrimental to your well-being. Take as long as you need, don't rush it, you will know when it is time to move on. When it 'feels' right, move on.

If you have trouble accepting the tragedy or moving forward, ask for help. There is no shame in seeking assistance, on the contrary it is a sign of strength to do so.

Bad things happen, that is a part of life. Good things also happen which is also a part of life, a bigger part may I suggest. We just don't see the good things when we are sad and down.

Forget the bad things in the past, look to the good things in the future, but always be in the moment.

May I take this opportunity to thank you for following my posts over the last year or two. I hope in some small way that I have been able to get you thinking about things differently, to look as much as you can at the positives in life.

I wish you and your family the very best for the holiday season, Merry Christmas.

Thanks To Those Who Put Their Hand (and head) Up.

Last night I sat and watched a media item on a new suicide prevention campaign launched in New Zealand by a well-known advocate, Mike King. I get nervous when I see people putting themselves out there in the media like this, opening themselves to criticism, ridicule, and scorn.

And he's not the only one who is doing so, there's Sir John Kirwan who encourages the need to talk openly about depression. There's so many others who champion the rights of equality, women, health, sexuality, freedom, peace, prisoner reform, bullying, the list goes on.

Why would someone do that, put their hand up to help others when they know that there is a fair chance that they are going to face negative comments or actions by others?

Sure, there might be some other motivator in behind the actual cause, but there are many other ways to satisfy that motivation without popping your head above the parapet leaving yourself vulnerable to being shot at.

It is a bold thing to do, even brave I suggest, to take on the 'system' in this way. It takes courage to speak out against what professional organisations are saying, to challenge people's knowledge, to go against common understanding, to say what you believe is right when you know that others will think quite differently.

It is never easy reading negative comments when you put your hand up in this way. You can't ignore it no matter who you are.

The impact on the person, their family, and their well-being can be enormous when they open themselves up to become a target for the negative world.

When I ponder as to why people would want to put their hand up knowing that they are going to rock the boat in some way, I always come to the same conclusion, because it might help just one person. And that's what it is all about, helping each other.

I have two challenges for you to consider; put your hand up when you believe in something as passionate as those who currently do so, and, resist the urge to comment negatively on those who risk themselves to help others.

It's about time that we started working together, to try new things, to challenge conventional practices, to rock the boat a little, and to support those who dare to put their hand up.

For those who currently put themselves out there to help others, thank you for doing so.

I Am Stupid And Will Never Amount To Anything!

I am stupid, dumb, worthless, a loser who won't amount to much in life. That's what I told myself and was also told by a teacher when I was young. I would often look at wealthy people, clever people, corporate leaders, senior executives, people who had the world in their hands and I would think to myself - "If I could just be like them".

At school, I was never shown how to learn, not even how to rote learn. (I only learned what that was when I left High School). I assume that I must have been shown something because I could read and write, pretty well in fact.

I tried to learn but no matter how hard I tried I was always near the bottom of the class. And so I became comfortable there, near the bottom. I wasn't last in the class so at least I wasn't that stupid I told myself.

I went through school fearing life - how was I going to succeed, how could I buy a house, how would I be able to live, what is going to happen to me, would I even survive.

It use to keep me awake at night, worrying that I was a failure and wondering if it was all worth it in the end.

I did okay in life as it turned out, I sat a building apprenticeship and eventually became a construction site foreman. That was great but there was still something missing. And then something happened late in my life, at 35 years of age someone showed me how to learn.

From that point I realised that I wasn't so stupid, so dumb, so worthless, or a complete loser who wouldn't amount to much in life. Studying became like a drug for me, I couldn't get enough of it. I found that I could read and digest eight to ten research papers in an hour, highlighting the important points as I read. As I laid the points out on pages I could visualise where each paragraph would fit, it was crazy and exciting.

Words would float across the pages to where they should fit.

The end result, I now have a fistful of qualifications including a couple of Diplomas and a Master of Arts Degree. And I am still studying. So what is the moral of this rant? If I can, anyone can.

Stop telling yourself that you can't do something because you can. No one is stupid, dumb, worthless, or a loser who won't amount to much in life. Each of us has something special to offer the world, we just have to find what it is and how to use it.

Dismiss the negative self-talk, the comparisons, the comfort of complacency.

I once would make excuses as to why the other person was better than me - they had money, they went to a good school, they had perfect timing, they had lots of support - excuse after excuse.

I may not be the smartest, most intelligent, wealthiest, or a senior executive, but I have done okay I reckon. What I do know is that we can all achieve great things if we put our minds to it. You just might need some help as I did so never be afraid to ask for help.

One person took the time to show me how to study, for that I am so very grateful. That was my key, learning how to learn. I encourage you to strive to find your key, it's never too late. Find it, use it, give it all that you have when using it and watch how life unlocks before you.

Finally, remember to give back and to pay it forward. Help others to succeed as you find success. The rewards become endless. Go for it, you have nothing to lose except regret.

Journals - Are They Worth The Paper That They Are Written On?

I was asked a question by a friend, "Do I use a journal". "No I don't" was my reply, but I do encourage people to write down one good thing that happens to them each day to reinforce the positives in their life.

The most helpful article that I found on this topic was written by Doctor Steven Stosny who states; Sometimes keeping a journal of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences helps, but often it makes things worse. In general it is likely to hurt if it tries to help you “know yourself” in isolation and helps if it leads to greater understanding and behavior change in your interactions with others.

So, what does that mean in reality? According to Stosny, journaling can have positive benefits on your well-being if it;

• Makes you step back and evaluate your thoughts, emotions, and behaviour.
• Brings your emotions and motivations into alignment with your deepest values.
• Converts negative energy into positive creativity and growth.
• Increases tolerance of ambiguity, ambivalence, and unpredictability, which are part of normal living.
• Helps you see other people’s perspectives alongside your own.
• Makes you feel more humane.
• Helps you take a definite course of action.

Journaling can negatively effect your well-being if it:

• Makes you live too much inside your head.
• Makes you a passive observer of your life (thinking about how you’ll record it instead of experiencing what is happening).
• Makes you self-obsessed.
• Becomes a vehicle of blame instead of solutions.
• Wallows in negative things that have happened to you.

We know that when we write something down it helps to rationalise the situation because we write from the left side of our brain, the logic side. We also know that when we write something down we lodge it into our subconscious thought.

We are all different, what works for one person may not work for another. If journaling what you want to change or to avoid works for you when bad situations occur then go for it.

For me, I prefer only to record the good things. As another friend described "The glass half full approach". For me, writing something bad down to change or to avoid it next time does not work. No two situations are ever the same so why would you want to reinforce the negative things that you are unlikely to change or avoid?

I also keep lists, lots of lists. Writing lists also helps to control my negative thoughts because I can see what must be done, I don't exaggerate the list of tasks. Lists also reassures me that I won't forget what I must do.

For me. I focus as much as I can on the positives and let the negatives wash over me. Easy to say, often much harder to do but I am learning.

I Don't Like Christmas These Days!

It must be my age, perhaps the years have wearied me, I just don't like Christmas like I use to. Christmas was once a fun time with the thought of long holidays, hot days (for those in the Southern hemisphere), decorations adorning houses both inside and out, and lots of presents to unwrap on that special day.

I still enjoy those things, just not like I once did. These days, Christmas for me is about reflecting on the past year. Looking back to see how far I have come. And I am lucky enough to say I have come a long, long way.

Sure, there have been a few things that I would rather not have said or done that I regret or dislike. And there have been a few things that other people have said or done that hurt me.

For the most part, I try as much as possible to dismiss the negatives and focus on the positives as I look back.

Christmas is also a time to look forward. Look forward to even better times, consider where I want to take my business and what I want to do with it. It’s a time to set both business and personal goals that extend me, to plan who to collaborate with so I can share my adventure. It is also time to consider how I can give back for the wonderful luck that has been bestowed upon me.

Reflecting on how far I have come is the only reason that I ever look back, other than to happy moments that make me smile when I recall them.

Most of all, Christmas for me is about being in the moment. Savouring the smiles and the laughter of a joke shared, engaging in meaningful (or not so meaningful) conversations, listening to what others have to say, asking about the other person who I am talking with, and not thinking about anything else but that very instant.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool to control your negative thoughts, and I need that at times. We all do.

I don't like Christmas these days, I love it. I love that life seems to stop for a week or so, I love that nothing else matters except being with family and friends, I love it that I am not controlled by an alarm clock, I love that I can decide what I want to do and when I want to do it. Mostly, I love that I am still here to enjoy it.

Perhaps it is an age thing, I love Christmas more than ever because I am here to be a part of it.

Terrible things have happened throughout the year, most of which is out of our control. And it is okay to reflect on those things as well. In fact, it is important that from time-to-time that we do so. That’s what makes us human, that means we are alive, and that gives us hope for the future. It also makes us who we are, social creatures.

May I encourage you to reflect on your year? Try not to dwell for too long on the bad things, try to focus instead on how far you have come despite the bad things happening. May I also encourage you to look forward to the future, on how can you make things better next year for yourself and for others.

Importantly, may I encourage you to be in the moment over this holiday period. Stop, look, listen, smell, feel, and savour the pleasurable moments that holidays bring.

You will thank yourself for it, trust me.