Why Talking With Others Is Imperative.

There has been a lot of research undertaken as to why socialisation, including talking with other people, is so important for our wellbeing. The answers are many - it releases stress, builds relationships, provides support, helps us to grow, provides new pathways in our brain, brings a different perspective - and much more. The overall theme of the research is that talking with other people is very beneficial for us.

Each of us is unique because of what we have done in our lives, our knowledge and experiences, but this uniqueness can also limit our ability to help ourselves when problems are on our mind that we have trouble working through alone.

It is famously said that most often when we have something on our mind that we have difficulty resolving, "It's ourselves, talking to ourselves, about our self".

When we struggle with a negative thought that we cannot find an immediate solution to, we have to get it out of our head to avoid catastrophising and heading down the worry spiral. There are three ways in which to get something out of our head - read, write, and talk. Then, we must take some action to resolve the issue itself.

Reading does not get things out of our head; it simply extends our knowledge base which gives us an opportunity to find a solution. But this can be limiting if we read inappropriate or misleading information. Information to resolve our problem must be from a reputable source because the first piece of information that we read builds a neural pathway that is difficult to modify later.

Writing our thoughts down in a confidential journal or writing a letter and destroying it can be helpful in some situations, however the issue may return if we haven't processed it fully when writing it down. Writing tends to reduce the problem by getting it outside of our head but the problem may come back to our mind from time to time.

Talking is the best option to resolve those problems that we haven't been able to resolve ourselves. Talking with others extends the knowledge and experience needed to find the appropriate resolution strategy. Talking also helps to bring a new perspective to our issue, we can see things through a different lens.

I was once asked "Do we have to go through tough times to become a better person". My answer, "Yes, if it helps to improve ourselves in areas where we are most vulnerable." What I should have clarified further is that we shouldn't have to go through those times alone, we all need support in our tough times.

The person whom you speak with must be the right person. They must be non-judgmental, honest, and trustworthy. The last thing that we want when reaching out to another is for our confidant to make inappropriate comments, to be afraid to tell us what we need to hear, or for them to gossip with others. Moreover, it is extremely unhelpful if our confidant simply tells us "Not to worry!" Good luck with that one.

It is not the number of people that we have in our lives that matters most, it is the depth of those friendships that is of the greatest importance. Having one person whom we can trust to share our problems with is far better than having many people around us who we aren't genuinely connected with.

One person is all that we need to share with, or rather we might just want to share our issue the once. 'Shopping around' to find the answer you want to hear is not going to resolve your problem, nor is it helpful to share your problem more than once because you may be reinforcing the problem by building a neural pathway each time you talk about it.

Just the fact of talking with another will be enough to reduce the burden, a problem shared is often a problem reduced, rather than halved. If you feel comfortable, then ask a couple of people to be there when you talk about your problem. By doing so you are extending the knowledge and experience available to help therefore are more likely to find a relatable solution.

Once you have chatted and found a way through your problem then set about fixing it with a practical action. We can 'work at worrying or work on what is worrying us', our brain is going to work regardless of which one we choose to do. Working on our problem gives us something positive to focus on rather than the negative problem.

Sometimes we do have to take some time to process our problem before moving forward because pushing it aside means it will only return later. It might be best to feel the emotional reaction before setting about resolving it. Feeling the negative emotion will remind us about the problem and to avoid it again, plus we will remember that we can get through negative events in our lives if we have felt the emotion. Just don't dwell for too long on any negative emotion, less is best I believe.

So when is the right time to move on for you? Perhaps now is the right time to resolve your problem, before we enter the the Christmas holiday period. What better Christmas present could you receive than to deal with our problem, right now?

Let's talk!

Can I Control My Anger?

Be kind we are advised; people just need to be kind to each other. We most certainly should be kind to everyone, more so in these shifting times. However, how can we be kind when our evolutionary automatic default setting is anger (fight)? And, what about if we have always used anger to get our own way, or that anger is what our parents used against us to get us to do what they wanted from us therefore we learned from them, or perhaps our bucket of negative 'stuff'' is completely full and this latest event is the last straw, or perhaps if we are suddenly surprised or threatened, or....

The reasons for becoming angry are many and they vary according to each one of us. Hence, treating people the way that we would want to be treated is not helpful, our benchmark differs to that of others. Treat people with humanity might be the new measure.

Like most things in life, understanding where our behaviour emanates can be helpful. We each learn from many influencers - from genetics, from the very first thing we tried, from the very first thing that we are told, from those immediately around us, from reading books or watching movies - everything that we have done in our lives forms our behaviour. And for each of us, that is very different.

What makes angry behaviour such a challenge to change, apart from the fact it is closely linked to our strongest emotion of fear, is that we are creatures who like to operate in patterns. If a pattern worked when we first tried it and we continued to use it with success then it will be very difficult to change that pattern. We form a neural pathway.

The most obvious way to change our behaviour when we get angry is to practice, practice, and practice the new pattern. It is said that we have to do something 90 times before our pattern, or neural pathway, is modified.

There are however other ways. For me, I have always been an angry person. It may sound strange to those who know what I do for a job, coaching on de-escalation of tense situations, but honesty is important to me. At my age, changing my pattern is a real challenge, but I am working on it.

Be humble, count to 10, take a deep breathe, show the other cheek, rely on karma, walk away, and a myriad of other methods are things that we can try in order to reduce our anger. Admittedly, I am not as angry as I once was, but the anger often comes out when I am in a rush. Slowing down is another trait that I am working hard on!

Therefore, I am trying a new method to change my pattern of angry outbursts which is working incredibly well to modify my pattern, far greater than any other method I have tried. That method is to stop and thank one person a day who I might not otherwise thank.

It is much more than just being polite or automatically saying thank you, it is deliberately going out of my way to thank someone for doing something that they might not otherwise get thanked for.

While out for a jog last evening, I noticed a young lady about to sit down on a park bench beside an estuary, to have her break. She was wearing an oversized city council raincoat and had just finished cleaning the public toilets where I jog. As I ran past I realised that it was 5 pm on a Saturday when most people were relaxing. She was at work.

Returning to her, I thanked her for what she does. She looked a little surprised at this strange person all covered in sweat and asked "When was this?" "Now and every day you make this place clean for us" was my reply. With an embarrassed smile she said "Oh, thank you so much". "Meri Kirihimete" I replied and jogged off.

I have no idea what she thought nor whether it had an impact on her, her smile said everything. I just hope it made her know that what she was doing was making a difference. Making her feel good is what I wanted. Since then, I have not stopped thinking about how good it felt to make her feel good. There's something in this altruism thing, of that there is no doubt.

Being kind to another does take a little bit of effort when it is outside of our usual pattern and the more we practice it the easier it becomes to the point where it could eventually replace our anger. Eventually. And until it does, think of all the kindness that you have shared to that point.

It is said it takes nothing to be kind, well it does, it takes a little piece of our time. And haven't we all got just a little bit of time to say 'thank you' at the moment?

Let's talk!

Harden Up and Toughen Up Are Thankfully Gone.

"You need to harden up", "Tough people last, tough times don't", "Sometimes you just have to dig it in and things will get better", "What doesn't kill you makes you....". These sayings are no longer valid, more so for those under the age of 35. Our world has changed significantly in the last decade and we humans have also changed.

We have now returned to our past when as a species we survived by caring for each other to overcome our challenges.

The ongoing pandemic has shown us that those countries who looked after their people had fewer deaths than those who put their economy first, with a very few exceptions. Recent election results have also shown us this, those political parties with a caring approach have excelled, those with the old-style hardline approach have failed.

Why is that? Because what once worked for us, no longer does. Covid-19 helped to highlight this. Our frailties were exposed, we became fragile and vulnerable. Our planet was under threat and quickly began to recover when we changed our work practices due to the requirement to stay at home, our people are beginning to do the same and also recover. The way most of us are getting through the pandemic was by connecting with others, openly and honestly.

Those who completely shut themselves away during the pandemic are feeling more isolated, more fragile, and more vulnerable than those who cared for themselves AND cared for others.

Coaching, teaching, managing & leading people are other prime examples of the need for us to change our hardline approach. People in these roles who had a 'toughen up' approach have been moved on because of what is now termed bullying behaviour. Forcing someone to do something in today's world no longer gets the best out of people. Quite the opposite in most cases. Yelling at people or forcing them to do something against their will produces a negative effect by making them feel demeaned and inferior.

If 'hardening up' worked then why do we still need prisons? Numerous studies show that the majority of those in prison are there because of the way in which they were treated growing up as a child and treating them badly as an adult for punishment only adds to their ongoing behaviour. Tough love programmes are diminishing, conversion therapies are cruel and invalid, 'encouraging' children to be at the very top affects them negatively. The list goes on.

However, telling people to harden up, to toughen up, to work through the pain is not what it might have seemed on the face of it. What we were actually doing was encouraging them to dig deep inside of themselves and find their inner strength, to reach their true potential. "Search for the hero inside yourself" the lyrics from M People say. The writer was onto something.

The lyrics start - "Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes. A train arrives but never leaves, It's a shame, Oh life - like love that walks out of the door, Of being rich or being poor, Such a shame. But it's then, then that faith arrives, To make you feel at least alive. And that's why you should keep on aiming high, Just seek yourself and you will shine."

Allowing kids to 'climb a tree' to build their strength failed if we did not also teach them about the risks. We may have actually made them more frightened but they didn't want to let you down, to be seen as a failure in your eyes. If done appropriately, we were teaching them to step outside of their comfort zone, take a measured risk, to feel a little anxious, which will bring enlightenment through experience. To seek themselves and they will shine.

We were, in a sometimes crude way, teaching our children to reach their full potential.

Science does not have all of the answers and science changes over time. Psychology does not have all of the answers and psychology changes over time. So it goes then that people do not have all of the answers and people change over time. Imagine though if we brought them all together - neuroscience, positive psychology and emotional intelligence.

Knowledge and understanding now replaces ignorance and indifference.

So how do we ensure that our species survives, how do we get the best out of people, how do we encourage people to pick themselves up when they are struggling with their mind health? We can get people to connect with others so that we can encourage each other. And, more importantly, we can encourage people to connect with themselves.

We all have an inner strength, something that keeps us going when life gets on top of us. Encouraging those who are struggling to find their true inner strength, a strength that lies dormant in all of us, one that we can only find and know the real value of when we truly connect with it.

Fear is what keeps us safe and alive, and fear is for the most part, learned. Using our fear is the key to survival in today's everchanging and uncertain world. We don't need to 'harden up' or 'toughen up' to overcome fear, we need to embrace it. We learn to use fear by feeling it and working with it. Using the body's natural energy that fear brings - adrenaline and cortisol - to reach inside of ourselves and find our true self. Our real hero.

How do you encourage people to use their natural fear to do better, by showing them the value of their true inner strength, their true self. Not by yelling at them or forcing them, but by sharing knowledge. Ignorance is not bliss, it is harmful and hurtful. Knowledge of the mind, knowledge of the positive aspects of psychology, and knowledge of our emotions.

Forcing people to do something will only cause distress. You can tell someone who are behaving badly to leave, or you can ask them when is a good time for them to come back. Which do you think works best in today's world? If you are thinking the former, examine if it is truly working or is it because they fear, you.

The age of knowledge and understanding through connecting with others is upon us as it once was. Work with it, not against it if you want to survive.

Let's talk!

If I Only Knew Then, What I Know Now!

Guilt, regret, rumination, catastrophisation. Many of us have done things that we wish we hadn't and we get remined of our mistakes every so often. The greater the emotional attachment to the mistake then the more likely it is that we will continue to beat ourselves up about it.

This is yet another of the many tools each of us have, to a lesser or greater degree, that is designed to keep us safe so that we stay within life's safety barriers. Seldom does this 'risk management' tool work effectively unless we understand how or why it is there.

Looking back on my time as a crisis negotiator with the NZ Police, as someone who spoke with people who stood on the precipice of taking their life, here's a few things that I learned from talking with them, all of whom survived.

  1. Life is never a straight line - as much as we would like it to be, we will all be hit with adversity at some point. Knowing how to manage that adversity and knowing that our response to it is 'normal' will help us work through the recovery process.

  2. It is in our heart, not our head - when adversity hits, the psychological reaction occurs in our head but the physiological reaction is felt in our heart due to our natural emotional response. Managing our thoughts will assist in managing the impact in our heart.

  3. Mistakes can feel like adversity - when we make an error, our inner critic is there to remind us of the need to stay within our safety barriers. There are few of us who truly don't care about anything, despite what they might tell us, there are very few exceptions. The more that we focus on the mistake then the greater it will seem.

  4. Let it go - ha, let it go they say, easier said than done. Yet, we must do so once we have felt the guilt and regret. Languish for a short period, feel the emotions, then set about making amends for your mistake.

  5. You can make amends - it is said that we should make amends by apologising, repairing, or showing penance for our error. They work, but so does promising yourself not to make the same mistake again and working on yourself to ensure the mistake is not repeated. Helping others who find themselves in the same situation as you did also can help you.

  6. Survival is about time - all of us are born with the same basic functions, a set of hardwired rules designed to keep us safe from harm and to survive should we stray outside of the safety rails. Time is what we need: time to feel the hurt; time to reflect on the mistake; time to make amends; time to heal.

  7. You are not alone - whatever normal might be, you are just that, normal. You are not bad, you are not a fool, you are not stupid, you are not the only who made this mistake. Many before you have, and many after you will, make the same mistake as you. Knowing that we are not 'different' provides a degree of comfort.

  8. It's not okay, to not be okay - it is however, okay to say, "I'm not okay". Words do matter, particularly those words that we use when talking with our self. Reach out if you are struggling to work through your mistake, the sooner the better. It takes more courage to reach out than it does to work through it, courage that we are all born with, our natural survival mechanism.

  9. Take action - whilst visualisation works, we must make a plan, visualise that plan succeeding, then take action to achieve our objective. Visualisation comes second to making a plan and will not work by itself, just like you can't work by yourself when struggling.

  10. What if you don't learn from your mistake - sometimes we make mistakes more than once, so what. "What did you learn this time" is what I would ask myself before going through the same process listed above.

If I only knew then what I know now. It is said that the older we are the wiser we are. Maybe so, that's because we have lived for longer therefore have more life experience to reference. They have made more mistakes than younger people.

When you make a mistake look at it for what it is, a mistake. No mistake is so big that you can't move on from it. Feel the emotion, make a plan as to how to move forward, visualise working through the plan and take action on the first step towards your goal. Each time you do this it gets much easier. Mistakes are a part of life and life is never a straight line.

In all situations where you can't help yourself, reach out, we are here to help you through. Love yourself for who you are because we love you still, mistakes and all.

Let's talk!

Visualisation Won't Keep Your Business Going, But It Might Help!

Visualisation is described as 'the formation of a mental image of something', and we are told that it is very helpful in succeeding to achieve a goal. And it is in some situations. However, you must also take some action towards your goal. Visualisation is insufficient by itself.

Currently, many businesses around the world are floundering or folding. It's a damn hard place to be as a business owner to see your life's passion crumbling because of something that you have no control over. You are not just losing a job, you are losing so much more.

We watch as good businesses are crumbling daily through no fault of the owner and the support offered by governments will not keep all businesses going for the foreseeable future. With every business that folds, many jobs go with them. Unemployment is demoralising and impacts on our wellbeing.

Visualising your business continuing through this Covid-crisis won't work, nor will sitting back and waiting for things to unfold. Keeping a business running in times like these takes both visualisation and action on your part.

There are two types of visualisation: outcome visualisation which involves envisioning achieving a goal; and process visualisation which involves envisioning each of the actions necessary to achieve an outcome. It is the latter technique that we can use to help keep our businesses going.

Here is a quick model that may be helpful if your business is struggling. Get with a group of people, some who are business owners and others who know nothing about running a business as they will bring a different lens to find solutions. Each of us is limited in findig new ideas because of our own experiences, having other people assisting extends that experience and knowledge base.

Next, come up with a list of actions to take to keep your business going - diversification of your product or service, seeking a wage subsidy, requesting rent relief, finding an outside investor, collaborating with a similar business, finding a business partner, operating differently - come up with as many ideas as you can.

That's just the start, we now must expand each of these solutions into smaller steps, just as we would when using the process visualisation technique.

Choosing diversification as an example from our list, expand that topic and come up with ideas on how you can diversify your business - expand the product range, go online, look for a gap in the market, change your client base, alter your marketing strategy, offer a range of delivery options - come up with as many opportunities to diversify your business as possible.

Then, look at the next option and go through the same process, repeating for every option on your earlier list.

That's still not enough, we have to make these smaller steps even simpler still which will provide us with a much clearer plan and a greater chance of success at each step. Success is what drives us as humans, as we achieve each step of our plan we get a shot of dopamine as a reward which provides us with further motivation.

Examining the topic of expanding your product range - what products compliment your current range, what products might the market need, which product cost range shall you target, which products are counter to what you offer - again look at each one in closer detail. Then, take another option from your list and expand that one.

As you work through this exercise, you will feel energised and be in a much better position to visualise your plan.

At the conclusion of this expansion, make your plan even clearer by numbering the activities from the easiest to the most difficult. Taking the easiest activity first provides the greater chance of success and gives us the drive to keep going. Self-induced neuroplasticity, driving a new neural pathway, a new way of thinking if you prefer.

There's your new business plan! If you need finance, logistics, or some other support then again go through this same activity-focussed planning method of visualising each step and examining how to make that step work.

Sitting and waiting for things to happen in today's environment is not good business practice at the best of times, nor is visualising continuing in business when the future is uncertain. Taking action is the key, positive action with a firm goal in mind.

If you need assistance or clarification on this technique, I would be happy to assist you. I am a business owner just like you, working hard to stay in business.

Let's talk!

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