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November 7, 2025

Police negotiator Lance Burdett shares his own personal traumas

Lance Burdett was a builder before joining the police at 35 and training with the FBI to become New Zealand Police’s top crisis negotiator. He rose to national prominence after his role negotiating with the volatile Napier siege gunman Jan Molenaar, who was holed up in his home in 2009.

After two decades on the frontlines – where Lance suffered from burnout, depression and suicidal thoughts – the 67-year-old left and used his personal insights into mental resilience and workplace stress to become an author, coach and motivational speaker.

Lance Burdett was a builder before joining the police at 35 and training with the FBI to become New Zealand Police’s top crisis negotiator. He rose to national prominence after his role negotiating with the volatile Napier siege gunman Jan Molenaar, who was holed up in his home in 2009.

After two decades on the frontlines – where Lance suffered from burnout, depression and suicidal thoughts – the 67-year-old left and used his personal insights into mental resilience and workplace stress to become an author, coach and motivational speaker.

With a passion for neuroscience, Lance, 67, and his wife Donna, 65, began a business called Wellness, Awareness, Resilience and Negotiation (WARN) International, based in their coastal home north of Auckland. They are parents to three adult children, Danielle, Haley and Josh, and grandparents to Sophie, 14, and Henry, 11.

As a son of military parents, what was your childhood like?

Mum and Dad met in the Air Force and had both experienced difficult childhoods. So in those days, because the war had just finished, “kids in the system” were just thrown in the military when they turned 16. Two broken kids from broken families came together and had me! As a kid, I got up to a lot of mischief. I didn’t know I had ADHD then. We moved around a lot because of the Air Force – Whenuapai, Bulls, Te Rapa. My mum kept my report cards from Bulls’ school, which were the first indication that things weren’t right with me. I was disruptive in class, couldn’t focus and needed to pay attention. All I knew was I didn’t fit in anywhere and I didn’t have any real friends I could rely on.

Were you a rebellious teen?

Hell, yeah. Even though I had a pass to go through secure areas of the Air Force base, I went through the creek and under the fence for the thrill of it. Why would I take the gate and sign in? I did lots of shoplifting out of boredom, too. I remember smoking a box of cigars over three months that a friend stole. But I never had any run-ins with the police.

What did your ADHD diagnosis do for you?

Any form of neuro-divergence alienates you from the world, but you don’t know why. Having the diagnosis really does bring a sense of calm. I’m happier now than I’ve ever been. Anger was my default up until a few years ago. I would just yell because no one would understand me. It wasn’t until I started studying neuroscience that I walked into the office and said, “I think I’ve got ADHD.” My daughter Haley goes, “Ya think, pal?!” They had diagnosed me years ago. I used to wonder why the police picked me to be on a whole lot of different selection panels. They told me I thought differently and asked unusual questions. I’ve now accepted I have a different brain from others.

How did you switch off from an intense day on the frontline?

I used to think a couple of drinks will help – which turns into a few more drinks. Very soon, it was a bottle a night to try and stop the negative thoughts.

When did you think it was becoming a problem?

I didn’t. Two years ago, Donna and I went over to Japan for a wonderful holiday.

We were in the airport lounge waiting for our flight to Tokyo and I said, “Champers?” She said, “No, I think I’m going to give up drinking. I don’t like it any more.”

I remember looking at her and going, “What?!” But I said, “Okay, I’m with you,” and secretly hoped that by the time we got over there, she’d be like, “Okay, just the one.”

But no, she stood firm. And we’ve never had a drink since.

And you know what? Everything has fallen into place since that time. Because alcohol or drugs mask who you are, mask your problems. I’ve learned emotions must come out or they just fester.

You’ve been called “the highest qualified negotiator within New Zealand Police”. What about at home?

No! Any time I would try a negotiating technique, Donna would shake her head and say, “Don’t use that s**t here.”

Donna’s been on the journey with me. She’s seen changes. On our 45th wedding anniversary in March, I said, “Thank you for still being with me” because I would have left me a long time ago.

How did your children feel about their dad being involved in high-conflict situations?

The first time I realised my job was having an impact on them was when my son Josh was 10 and at primary school. The TV news showed Winston Peters naming me in Parliament when I was running witness protection. We had a witness who went rogue. Most witnesses in the programme were criminals, so we used a false name and that was accidentally used in court. It slipped through the cracks.

Winston said, “And as for Senior Sergeant Burdett, falsifying evidence to support a criminal…” My son asked Donna, “What’s Dad in trouble for? Dad’s a good person, isn’t he?”

While working as a crisis negotiator, you hit the pit of depression. Were there signs before that?

I noticed there was “madness” in my head. Every little thing was massive. Everything I had done as a child was front of mind. Now I know, after studying neuroscience, it’s the brain going back through your memories for references to your past, trying to help you. I remember watching [British crime drama] Peaky Blinders where there was a quote spoken by a character that reflected his mental state and constant self-criticism: “It’s just myself talking to myself about myself.” That was me! It got me thinking.

Who did you first tell about having suicidal ideation?

The police chaplain. He was really understanding and said to me, “Believe it or not, I’ve been where you are.” Here was a person next to God who’d still been in the same place. I felt relief. We did a common exercise that’s used in psychology, writing thoughts down, then burning the paper. But it didn’t work for me.

So what helped?

I found my support in a wonderful psychologist who has since passed from cancer. He diagnosed me with accumulated stress disorder. I hadn’t dealt with stress in my life, and I’d held on to it. We did lot of brain exercises like visualisation techniques. I’ve now learned that I’m an empath – someone who gets hurt very easily, and feels other people’s pain and joy. A lot of people who have depression are empaths yet they don’t know it.

If you were in the police now, how would you approach your mental health differently?

I would open up to Donna a lot more about what I’d seen. Because when I came home, she would ask, “How was your day?” I’d answer with, “It was all right, but I don’t want to talk about it.” I wanted to switch off and forget about what I’d seen. No one at work would talk about it either. We didn’t have debriefs. I went to my boss for help when I was a detective sergeant struggling with three major High Court cases. His reply was, “We’re all under pressure. You’ve just got to dig in.” So I wore the uniform, but beneath it was a frightened inner child screaming for help.

And the long hours created a perfect storm for burnout and feeling isolated?

Correct. I used to see leave like a bank account – the more leave you have, the more you can fall back on. But not taking leave caused me to fall over. Or any time I applied for leave, it wasn’t approved. It was the late 1990s – a time in the Auckland police where there was so much work. One night shift on the crime squad would usually be one rape and two robberies. That’s three serious crimes a night. But there wasn’t a propensity to use guns, like is happening now. I’m hopeful the Crime Squad will return because it was the best training cops could ever get.

What’s something people might be surprised to know about you?

That I still have huge imposter syndrome even after writing three books, completing three diplomas, and a Master’s in terrorism. I have plans to write a fourth book on communication skills. Maybe it comes from not getting a School Certificate. I got 48, so I nearly passed, but my parents couldn’t afford to pay for a recount.

Do you have regrets about going into the police force?

Never! It was the best thing because I learned to learn. My only regret is not spending more time with my family. My mum wanted me to stop in for a cup of tea one day and I said I was too busy. She died the next day. That was horrible.

What did your 22 years of service teach you?

There is strength in vulnerability and to look for moments of joy because life is precious, fleeting, and unpredictable. You don’t have to stop and smell the roses, but take a quick look or a moment to register them. The mantra I live by now is: take nothing for granted and hug your family.

Drink of choice these days?

You can’t beat a cup of tea.

For more information about Lance’s coaching and workshops, visit warninternational.com.

Crisis Negotiations for Business!

A question often posed in our workshops – what’s it really like to be a crisis negotiator; it must be scary.

Yes, it is scary because you are dealing with someone’s life. One wrong word or poor intonation can swiftly change a negotiation.

You have to think on your feet, any delay in reply can be turned against you.

In crisis negotiation, the stakes are life and death.

In business, the stakes are growth and survival.

Surprisingly, the principles are the same.

When I worked as a crisis and hostage negotiator, I learned that understanding leverage and risk determines success. Here’s the analogy:

• Kidnap Situation: The person is held against their will; the offender already has what they want. It’s volatile, high-risk, and requires patience, empathy and trust-building. Business Parallel: Negotiating with a supplier who controls a critical resource, if you push too hard you risk losing everything.

• Hostage Situation: The person is held against their will and is used as leverage to get something else. There’s room to manoeuvre, explore options and create solutions.

• Business Parallel: Deals where both sides need something, a mutual dependency opens the door for collaboration.

Five Strategies for Business Negotiators:

1) Build value through relationships when leverage is one-sided.

2) Expand the pie by introducing new variables for win-win outcomes.

3) Mitigate risk with transparency and phased commitments.

4) Separate people from the problem, protect relationships while solving issues.

5) Use principled negotiation to preserve trust and create value.

Bottom line: Whether in a crisis or a boardroom, negotiation isn’t about winning, it’s about creating outcomes where everyone walks away safe, satisfied and ready for the next conversation.

Want to learn more?

Check out our WARN International Business Negotiation Programme.

We turn high-stakes principles into practical strategies for your business.

Let's talk!

Did Men Always Hide Their Emotions?

Did Men Always Hide Their Emotions?

Out of pure selfishness, I am intrigued by the term 'masculinity' and how it doesn't seem to fit with who we truly are as people.

For the last 30+ years I’ve been working in wellbeing. It started with my own journey of depression which led me to a period of dark thoughts and ideations.

Why was I broken, why was I so weak, why do I feel pain in my heart, why do I often feel the need to cry, why can't I be more masculine.

In a recent keynote I asked the audience, 95% male, have you ever felt the need to cry but held it back? And it hurt. Deeply.

Immediately their faces changed, with a few tearing up. It had struck a nerve, or rather, it hit them in their heart.

We’ve been told for generations that real men put on a brave face, that we should suck it up, or worse still, to man up!

But here’s the truth: that idea is modern, not ancient.

The word masculinity didn’t even exist until the 16th century, while its modern meaning only took shape in the 18th.

For most of human history, survival depended on cooperation and care, not stoic isolation.

Hunter-gatherers thrived on empathy and sharing – anthropologists show that early humans lived in egalitarian bands where emotional attunement mattered for group harmony.

Evolution favoured cooperation – Sarah Hrdy’s (correct spelling) research on cooperative breeding and Kristen Hawkes’ grandmother hypothesis reveal that raising children required emotional responsiveness from everyone.

Medieval men cried, publicly – tears were seen as virtuous and sincere, not weak.

Even Norse sagas (prose) – famous for their stoicism, include grief and tears expressed through poetic codes.

The stiff upper lip – that is a Victorian invention, not a timeless truth.

Across cultures, emotional expression is shaped by social rules, not by biology.

Courage and care have always coexisted.

Could it actually be that the bravest face is the one willing to feel and openly show their emotions?

Or is this is asking too much given how far we have come down the ‘real men don’t cry’ path.

The overwhelming majority of men I have encountered who struggled with their lives is directly due to their inability to openly express emotions. To share how they truly feel.

I pose a question, for everyone, when you hold back your true feelings does it hurt inside?

Let’s talk!

“Every mountain looks impossible until you take the first step." – Lance Burdett.

“Every mountain looks impossible until you take the first step." – Lance Burdett.

Your load shapes you but it doesn’t have to define you forever!

Every culture has a moment in time that marks a new beginning. A time to pause, reflect, and to reset.

For many of us, the New Year is that point. It’s not just a date on the calendar; it’s a psychological anchor, a starting line that says – You can begin again.

But let’s be honest, starting fresh is never easy when you’re dragging baggage behind you.

For Christmas, I received this sculpture (refer image) of a person climbing a mountain, pulling a heavy weight. It struck me deeply. Because isn’t that life? We all carry burdens, some more heavy than others.

Most of us have faced a significant challenge in our life, often more than one.

Sometimes, that weight feels unbearable. Yet, if we keep moving, something remarkable happens: the load becomes lighter.

Not because it disappears, but because we grow stronger. Those struggles shape us into who we are today.

Most often it’s when the weight feels crushing that we realise something must change.

A new year offers that moment, a chance to say: It’s time to move forward.

We need not wait until we hit rock bottom, we can start to make a change before that time.

And when we decide to make the change, the load may remain, but it doesn’t have to define us forever.

Some will say, “You can change anytime.” True, but those who say this do not know what it’s like to carry your load.

For many, a symbolic point in time such as the start of a new year, can ignite that first spark of change.

So, here’s my challenge for 2026 to you - Make one small change. Then another. And another.

Small steps completed consistently create massive transformation.

Your mountain may be steep. Your weight may be heavy. Yet you’ve already proven something, you are still climbing.

Happy New Year. Let’s make 2026 the year of forward movement.

Let’s talk!

An Early Start: A Sign of Good Things Ahead

Yesterday marked my first day back at work for 2026 and what an amazing start it was!

I provided a range of coping skills to Newey Transport, a large trucking company in Northland, at their Safe Start Breakfast event.

This is the earliest start to our year since WARN International began 11 years ago. And with bookings confirmed into April, the year ahead looks very promising.

Of course, none of us can predict how a year will unfold.

Yet, after speaking with many business leaders, one thing is clear: the last five years have been tough with the last two exceptionally challenging.

Burnout became common last year. Not necessarily because people were overwhelmed with work, because they were overwhelmed trying to find work.

A major cause of burnout is a lack of control. The American Psychological Association defines burnout as physical, emotional, or mental exhaustion accompanied by decreased motivation, lowered performance, and negative attitudes toward oneself and others.

It’s the result of prolonged stress and tension, often from extreme exertion or an overburdening workload. In short: exhaustion leads to cynicism and feelings of ineffectiveness.

But here’s the good news: we shouldn’t fear a busy year if the last few years were spent simply trying to stay afloat.

At WARN International, we promote a balance of being busy with purpose with setting boundaries, managing stress effectively, making work more enjoyable and aligning work with personal values.

2026 feels different, there's a positive vibe, almost as though we have all said - enough is enough!

I am reluctant to say that this is going to be a great year, how many of us have said that for the last few years?

Perhaps 2026 is a year of rebuilding, of reconnecting, and of finding our way forward.

Let’s make 2026 count.

What’s your outlook for 2026. Are you feeling optimistic, cautious, or somewhere in between?

Let’s talk!