So often when we are in emotional situations, we go straight to problem-solving. Research shows that men are the worst at this; we just want to help you get on with things and move forward.
Just like a book has a beginning, middle, and end to complete the story, so too do negotiations/mediations. However, the order is different.
Start in the middle. What are you facing right now? Ask the other person, "So what is important to you right now?" Or perhaps, "Let's look at where we are at this moment." This brings everyone to the same state and focuses on the topic.
The next step is to go back in time to examine how you got to the present point.
By doing this - and by acknowledging the emotion they’re experiencing - you allow the other person to explain their situation, they will tell you how they 'feel' about things as the story unfolds, and you allow them to vent. Because they vent as they talk to you, their logic brain will engage. An acknowledged emotion is disarmed.
The third step is to move on with a mutual agreement. So often we suggest something first and wait for the response. If you have allowed the other person to vent adequately and have listened with active listening skills, you would by now have established rapport.
Stop problem-solving, allow an open discussion, and go back over the past before moving forward. Your negotiation/mediation will be much easier.
Let's talk!
December Can Be A Difficult Time For Some People!
December is a time when many struggle with their negative thoughts.
If you are struggling emotionally over the holiday period, then it is important that you contact the right people for help.
For most, a counselling service is often enough to support us through our seasonal struggles. They will explain what is going on inside your head and provide you with the right kind of help and support depending on your unique situation.
For those who have been struggling for some time and the struggle is intensified, it is important that you engage with a qualified psychologist. This is their area of expertise, and they are very good at it. They will give you an in-depth understanding of what is going on and offer practical steps you can take to help and support you. Trust them and follow their guidance.
For those few who are flooded with thoughts of suicide, it is imperative that you call the police, who have specialist negotiators who are trained in immediate crisis intervention. They will stand beside you wherever you are, talk with you, and walk you out of the immediate danger.
In times of celebration while most are enjoying the happy times, there are always those who are struggling with negative thoughts and emotions.
If you are in that position, know that you are not alone, know that there is help, know that you can get out of your situation, and know that you can make new memories to overcome the negative ones.
Often, when we are feeling low, it is because we are allowing our thoughts to consider only the negative things or to dwell on past memories. Stop it!
Make new memories. Help someone in need, give of your time, visit a friend, take a trip. Get involved in new things, it will excite your brain!
You can get through these tough times; there are many of us who are testament to this.
Let’s talk!
Managing Negative Thoughts!
Most of us do it - overthink, overreact, over-worry, and over-analyse
The truth is, we can't stop the negative bias that is hardwired into our brains. I have met many positive people, and when asked if they are positive all the time, the answer is always the same: no.
We need that negative bias to keep us safe, to keep us from making the same mistake that got us into trouble last time, to keep us from doing dumb things, to keep us on alert, and to keep us at our best.
I challenge anyone to tell me that they have never had a negative thought, never sat and pondered their mistakes, never felt guilt or regret, and never wondered "What if" or "If only". History (evolution) ensures that we have these thoughts so that we can survive and thrive.
So what do positive people do?
From what I’ve noticed, positive people manage negative thinking by making amends, dealing with their problems in some practical way, looking for the positives, or dismissing it altogether and moving on if none of the first three options are available.
That's the secret in all of this: if you can't fix it, then forget it. As the thought comes into your head - acknowledge it, apologise or make amends for what occurred, work hard to make it right, look at what you learnt from it, and then move on as quickly as possible.
Worry, guilt, and regret - these are the things that will take you down if you continue to let them get the better of you. (And that’s all they are, thoughts).
Stop being so hard on yourself. The more that you practice this, the easier it will become.
Break the habit, right now. You are the only you that we have, and the world needs you.
Let’s talk!
Are You An Empath?
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It’s what allows us to connect, to care, and to comfort.
Being empathetic means listening without judgment, offering support without needing to fix, and simply being present with someone in their pain or joy.
But being an empath goes deeper.
An empath doesn’t just understand emotions; they feel them deeply and are sometimes overwhelmed by them.
Empaths absorb the energy around them, sensing sadness, anger, happiness, or pain even when it’s unspoken.
It’s not a choice; it is part of you that you cannot hide from.
Five years on from lockdown, many people are still fragile. Mood swings, anger, tears, and overwhelm are common.
Our emotions are heightened because we’ve been through a collective trauma. We’re still healing, and empaths feel this more than most.
I’ve always felt different from other people as early as I can remember.
I thought I was soft. I thought I was afraid. I thought I was weak. I certainly wasn’t what many would call – masculine.
I couldn’t bear cruelty, I couldn’t face helping people who were injured, and then I became a police officer.
I struggled with the pain I saw, and I buried my emotions. I pushed my family away and found comfort in alcohol.
It worked, or so I thought. Then I experienced depression!
Over the past two years, I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery. I now know that I’m an empath and understand why I became a crisis negotiator.
I know why I can walk into a room and instantly see those who are struggling.
If you’re wondering whether you’re an empath, apart from what’s written above, here are some signs:
- You feel others’ emotions as if they’re your own.
- You’re deeply affected by cruelty or injustice.
- You want to help others more than you want to help yourself.
- You feel drained in crowded or emotionally intense environments.
- You cry easily – not out of weakness, but because you care deeply.
- You sense when someone is hurting, even if they say they’re fine.
If this sounds like you, don’t hide from it. Don’t run from it. And certainly, don’t bury it.
Embrace it. For you are a special person, and the world needs people just like you now more than ever.
Let’s Talk!
Why We Should Cry More!!
I was humbled and honoured to be asked to return for a fourth year to provide a keynote at the United Fire Brigades Association annual conference.
This is a huge event for firefighters in New Zealand, and for those privileged to present. Hundreds filled the room, with thousands more joining online.
Of course, I was nervous. It was a presentation I’d never done before, built around the theme “Responding to Tomorrow”, with my focus on “Does Technology Affect Our Performance?”
What I shared was simple: when people are in need, they don’t look for technology, they look for humanity.
A gentle hand on the shoulder, a touch on the arm, the holding of a hand when all feels lost.
It’s the people that matter – those in need, and those who help them.
One message resonated deeply: those with big hearts often feel they’re too sensitive.
They hope to toughen up, or they build a protective shell to show strength on the outside while pushing away emotions that make them want to cry.
We’re quick to show laughter and anger, the extremes of the emotional spectrum. Yet sadness, tears? Many of us hold those back.
Why? Neuroscience tells us that crying is not weakness; it helps us regulate our emotions.
Emotional tears activate the parasympathetic nervous system, calming the body and releasing oxytocin and endorphins - our natural painkillers and bonding chemicals.
Yet many of us suppress tears. Historically, crying has been stigmatised, particularly for men. We’ve been taught that strength means silence.
But suppression doesn’t erase the emotion; it stores it deep inside. And what’s stored eventually surfaces, often appearing as anxiety, depression, or displaced anger.
Long-term research shows that crying:
✔️ Flushes stress hormones like cortisol.
✔️ Regulates our mood and nervous system.
✔️ Builds emotional resilience.
✔️ Strengthens social connection through empathy
Crying is a release valve. It’s how we metabolise grief, sadness, and feelings of being overwhelmed.
So, if you feel like crying, cry. Behind every strong exterior is a heart that feels deeply.
Let’s talk!