Why are some people always grumpy?
We all know one - maybe you work with them, maybe you live with them.
Maybe, at some point, you were one.
I was angry at everything. I was frustrated with everyone. I was hardest on myself.
No matter what people said, nothing changed.
For a long time I thought that’s just who I was, but it wasn’t.
It wasn’t until I understood what was going on beneath the surface that things started to change.
For me, it was ADHD.
The constant frustration, the racing mind, the continual mistakes, the feeling of repeating the same errors over and over and not learning from them.
Irritation, then anger, then a lens where everything looks wrong.
Some people are simply more wired for strong negative emotions.
Some have brains that scan for problems more than positives.
For others, past experiences such as trauma or stress keep their system stuck on edge.
What looks like grumpiness is often something deeper.
That doesn’t make it easy to be around because negativity spreads. You can feel it in a team, and it can bring others down quickly.
Should we try to change them? Sometimes, if they’re open to it.
Change can only happen when someone understands themselves the way I eventually did. Sometimes, they’re not there yet.
Therefore, the real question becomes: do you keep trying to change them, or do you learn to work around them without letting them affect you?
Grumpy people aren’t always choosing to be grumpy. Understanding just that can change how we respond.
Let’s talk!
The Understatement!
My car recently developed a new hobby of not starting.
It began with a flat battery. No problem, we all have bad days. I jump-started it and carried on.
The next morning, flat battery, jump-start. The morning after, etc., etc.
By day four, I was starting to think my car had entered a toxic phase of hating to leave home.
Every morning felt like Groundhog Day, except Bill Murray probably had a battery charger.
Eventually, I called a mechanic.
I explained that I travel extensively for work, often around the upper North Island and that my car had become about as reliable as New Zealand weather forecasts.
The mechanic listened carefully, reflected thoughtfully and delivered the greatest understatement in Kiwi history.
"That's unhelpful."
That's unhelpful, really? Not: That must be incredibly frustrating, or Let's get this sorted quickly, or Heck mate, that's a pain.
Nope.
It got me thinking about all the masters of understatement we meet in life. The ones who respond to devastation with the emotional intensity of a wet flannel.
You lose your job - "Could be worse."
Your boat sinks - "Well, you won't need to clean it now."
Worse still, your life is falling apart - "Look on the bright side."
My personal favourite - "At least nobody died." Which, if we're honest, covers an awful lot of situations.
Accidentally sent an email to the wrong person? Actually, in that case, death may have seemed preferable.
The funny thing is that most people who say these things mean well. They're trying to help, to make us feel better.
Sometimes what we really want isn't a solution, we just want someone to acknowledge that what happened was a bit crap.
Just once I'd love a mechanic to look me in the eye and say: "Mate, that's bloody annoying, let's get you sorted and back on the road."
Maybe that's the lesson.
Before we jump straight to finding the positive, perhaps we should spend a few moments recognising the frustration.
After all, feeling understood is often more helpful than hearing that things could have been worse.
Validation!
If my car battery dies again tomorrow morning, I'll probably just stand there, look at it, and say "Well that's unhelpful."
Let’s talk!
We Are Flat Out!
Someone asked me how I was doing.
I replied, “I’m working hard to get work so I can work hard.”
I later thought, well that’s accurate, and slightly alarming considering the work I do!
That’s kind of where we’re all at though, isn’t it?
We’re flat out, only to line up more things to be flat out about.
Chasing work, building relationships, following up leads.
All so we can wake up next month and say - Right. Time to really knuckle down.
It’s the only system in which success is rewarded with more work.
It's not just work that we do this in.
We now must: schedule time for rest, optimise time for fun, track our walks and plan our ‘spontaneous’ weekends.
If anyone asks how it’s going? “Yeah, good mate. Living the dream!”
I ponder, when did working hard stop being the way to enjoy life and become the whole point of life?
I’m pretty sure the original deal was to work hard so we can enjoy life.
Not work hard so we can get even better at working hard.
If you’re working hard to find work so you can work hard, just like me, you’re not alone.
We’re all in the same waka. And hey, maybe it is the right thing to do.
Every now and then it might pay to put a little less effort into everything, even if it’s just for a minute before we get back to it.
Let’s talk!
Take A Moment.
I received an email recently from someone who had just finished reading my book Behind the Tape.
She told me about her traumatic experiences with police back in 1988 and 1989.
Apparently, she and her friends used to park up at Milford Beach on the North Shore, doing what generations of Kiwi teenagers have done for decades: nothing.
She recalled being pulled out of cars by police on several occasions while asleep in the back seat.
Her conclusion, the police were bored. According to my book, apparently that was all my fault.
There was only one small problem - I didn't join the police until 1992.
A bit like blaming Richie McCaw for losing the 1987 World Cup.
I replied politely and pointed out that during the period she was referring to, I wasn't a police officer at all.
In fact, I was in the same age group being regularly stopped myself.
I reminded her that the New Zealand Bill of Rights didn't arrive until 1990 and policing in the 1980s looked very different from policing today.
A reply arrived - "Thanks, Lance. I know it wasn't you..." Followed by several colourful observations about police.
Then she finished with: "Great book BTW."
That's when I laughed.
If I'm honest, twenty years ago I might have read that first email and immediately gone into defence mode.
I would have felt misunderstood, I might have rushed to explain, I might even have become a little (lot) grumpy.
These days I'm learning that people often aren't looking for a fight; they're just looking for somewhere to put a feeling.
Sometimes they're carrying around a story that's been sitting with them for forty years. Sometimes they just need to vent.
The lesson for me, before responding, is to take a moment to breathe out!
Make sure you're actually being accused before launching into your defence.
Sometimes the person having the argument is you, and the other person doesn't even know they're in it yet.
Let’s talk!
You Be You!
How often do you follow your own advice that you offer to others. Me, not so much, until just recently. "Stay the path" I often say when others begin to doubt themselves or their business/career decisions.
Everyone will tell you that the last few years have been very tough no matter who you are or what you do. I am no different. How can I grow the business, how can I get fitter, how can I grow more hair !
Believe in yourself and the direction you are heading, truly believe. Turn off the social media, let AI help someone else for a change and don't listen to the doubting voice inside your head.
You be you, babe. Or perhaps modify you if it isn't working for you.
When in Melbourne last week for the AICLA - Victorian Division iAdjust conference, I captured the main corridor of the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre. I've walked this corridor a few times, the last time was with my wife and daughter on a business trip, the last overseas journey before the infamous '2020 stay at home.'
It takes 6 to 8 minutes to walk from one end to the other of this corridor. Wouldn't it be amazing to deliver a presentation in this fantastic building I thought. Well, it happened last week.
Thank you Jon Stagg for remembering me from when you were in NZ. Your kindness made one of my dreams (I have lots of dreams and goals) come true. Humbling and exciting.
Dream the dream, have many goals, stay the path, and you be you. Wonderful things will happen, I promise you.
As for the hair, that's a work in progress, I'll just keep wateirng it and see what happens.