Better Words

Thanks to those who have asked for alternative words from my earlier posting.  I was going to string it out until tomorrow but that would be against the principles of resiliency....

The 10 words to avoid are again listed here to jog your memory, with the alternatives provided for you to try;

1. I understand - Try using something like "That's helpful", "I take your point", "And because of that you are angry/sad/frustrated", "This is important", "I had something similar event happen to me, it's terrible/sad/difficult isn't it?"
2. A good question - Just answer the question immediately. If it is a good question and you want to acknowledge it, then say "I've not been asked that before". This shows the questioner that you are genuine in your reaction to their question and may excuse you if you can't answer the question immediately.
3. Actually - Don't use this or any similar word as it's makes you sound superior. Or you might say "What I found was..." If you are suggesting an alternative point or you might say "An alternate view is...."
4. Really - Don't use any other word to replace the word really.  Either something is large or it is huge, it's not really large. If you use 'really' by itself as an expressive word, it says that you don't believe the person so instead say "That happened?", or "That incredible/unbelievable/fantastic".
5. Very - Same as above, it either is or it isn't. It is okay to say "Very much so" if you agree with someone as this adds emphasis to what they have said which helps to gain empathy.
6. Just - This word can be used as an adjective or adverb. Compare these two sentences - 'Just don't use it to add emphasis to a point!' or 'Don't use it to add emphasis to a point!'  The same message, one word less.
7. Stuff - Say what you mean; objects, junk, articles, goods, etc.  Use a noun, call it for what it is. 
8. Wait a minute - Or sometimes we say "Just wait a minute". If you must interrupt someone say "I have an important question", or "An alternative you may wish to consider which could help....", then make your statement. Remember to then wait until they have finished what they are saying, if you try and interrupt a second time it will cause conflict.
9. No - Always use two or three words rather than a single word for the angry people; "I am unable to... because....", "I will try however....", "It may not be possible because....", "I am restricted from doing this because...." Always explain why - I like to say, the reason for the reason.
10. Like - If this word is used as a filler, just don't say anything. If you are using it for comparison purposes, say "It is similar/comparable/equal to..." If you like something, then use a verb - fond/enjoy/admire.

Please remember that these 10 words are to be avoided only for those people who are in an emotional state. You will find that I use most of them in my postings, hopefully you aren't angry at the time you read them.

10 Words To Avoid

Let's look at a few words that would be helpful to avoid during emotional conversations;

1. I understand - Try not to use this word with people who are in an emotional state. When you say "I understand" to someone, what they are hearing is "I know how you feel". You sound superior and make the other person feel inferior.
2. A good question - Of course it is a good question, that's why I asked it. You may think that you are establishing a rapport but we all know that you are trying to make up for something bad you just said earlier or you are stalling for time .
3. Actually - This is another word that implies superiority, particularly so if you use it to start your sentence. "Actually that's not the case".
4. Really - It's a wasted word. Either something is large or it is huge, it's not really large. If you use 'really' by itself as an expressive word, it says that you don't believe the person.
5. Very - Same as above, it either is or it isn't.
6. Just - It's a filler word and if used wrongly will cause anger. 'Just take your time' or 'take your time'. Which sentence do you prefer? 
7. Stuff - I use it all the time when I can't think of the correct adjective. Worse still I make a joke about it by writing it like this, 'stuff'. I know what I mean, others don't.
8. Wait a minute - If you use these words together to interrupt someone you have just destroyed any rapport. Next time you want to say this take your own advice and 'you wait a minute', wait until they have finished.
9. No - Adding the word no just infuriates people more. "No I can't" as opposed to "I can't", which sounds better? By the way, if you can't do something say you can't and then explain why.
10. Like - These days it is used instead of ums & ahs. "And then like....", it is a word used out of habit so it can be avoided.

Let's Talk For A Minute

With the advent of e-devices we have lost the art of human-to-human conversation. And it is hurting us. Communicating in person has many benefits which we miss out on when we send an electronic message.

Communicating in the presence of others goes back to our early days when all we had was each other. In fact, most things in life involving our well-being go back to these times. We would meet and talk about the problems of the day, share stories about how we killed a sabre-toothed tiger, how we hadn't washed for two months and it felt good, what your best friend is doing, how to keep safe when going for water, that sort of thing.

During these early communications, we were not just sharing stories, we were socialising. We were learning about life, learning about social skills, learning how to interact with others, telling others how we felt.  Importantly, socialisation involved emotions.

There is no emotional connection when we converse electronically. We don't learn about manners - your turn, my turn - when we use emails. We can't convey our true feelings in a text message, if we do we exaggerate it. We can't read body language in an instant message. We may say something hurtful on FaceBook. In short, we say in an e-message what we wouldn’t say in person.

Don’t get me wrong, I love communicating on e-devices. If you were to ask me what I thought was bad about e-devices, we don't talk enough to others in person. I say this as I send out an e-message on LinkedIn. That's okay, I have three meetings later today where I will be talking to people in person, actual people. Scary hah!

I will get my 'people' fix today, will you?

Why Me?

Why me? Why do bad things always happen to me? I am a good person aren't I? Life just isn't fair! How often have you heard someone say one of those statements or perhaps you have said it yourself. Bad things happen to us all. I don't know why, it just does. Karma, the universe, the world, who knows.

The good news is that most of us have said it at one point in our life, some more than a few times unfortunately. The bad news is that this sort of comment doesn't help you much does it? What may help is to know why we feel this way and how we can avoid disparaging ourselves through our thoughts.

We all know that our brain is wired to worry in order to protect us from danger, to be prepared for anything that comes our way. The 'Why me' emotion is just an extension of worry, although a lot more direct and personal because the event has now happened. Your worst fears have come to fruition.

As my dear departed Mum used to say, "It's not all about you son". And she was right. Often these things just happen for no particular reason and it is our response to these adversities that makes us who we are, not the adversity itself.

There is a saying that goes something like this 'It's not how we fall, it's how we get back up again'. I prefer to say "It's not that we fell, it's that we got back up".  That's what resilience is, getting straight back up rather than languishing in the 'why me' response.

The next time you wonder why you lost a business contract, why you got into trouble, why something terrible happened, don't waste your energy on pondering why. Just keep going, do your best that you can in the circumstances and ignore your brain's negative thoughts.  It's just trying to help after all.

What I Have Learned After 35 Years of Marriage

Today is my 35th wedding anniversary therefore time to reflect on what I have learned over this time.  I wish that I had followed some of these things in this list to make my life even more fulfilling than it has been;

• The honeymoon can last as long as you want it to. It is about doing different things each day and valuing those around you.
• Never take anything for granted. Everything can change in an instant.
• Look forward to happy things but always be in the moment, moments are what we live for and you may miss something great if you are always looking ahead.
• Our money requirements are back-to-front. When need money the most to support our family it is seldom there, when we have enough the family is grown and money the pressures aren't as great.
• Cherish your children in the best way that you can, they will remember the simple things that you do for them and with them.
• Give a little to get a lot.
• Guilt and regret will always tie you down so ignore the mistakes then make up for them in other ways.
• We sometimes hurt the ones we love because they are just there in front of us, it's not because we want to hurt them.
• In times of crisis just keep going. It may not get better but it will get different.
• People come into your life for a reason, stop and find out what that reason is.
• Ignore your prejudices, that's just your brain doing a bad job at protecting you.
• Be thankful for whatever you have.
• Sometimes you can't follow your dreams because you have other commitments. Don't worry, you will have enough time when the time is right.
• Dream big. Dreams keep us focused, extend us, make us happy. If you don't reach your dream, I bet you nearly got there.

Why is it that we learn these things as we get older? Because that's life! Now get out there and live it.