As a former detective, I learned two things about evidence.
One is the jigsaw puzzle: a single piece by itself means very little; enough pieces reveal a picture.
The other is the rope. One strand has little strength, yet as each strand is added, the rope becomes stronger.
Business is much the same.
Most people see the contracts won, the workshops delivered and the positive feedback.
What they don't see are the calls not returned, the meetings cancelled, the emails unanswered and the opportunities that quietly disappear.
When your business is built around you, rejection can feel personal. After all, you're offering your ideas, your experience, your reputation and your name.
Furthermore, if you choose to put yourself out into the world, to speak publicly, appear in the media, get on social media, or share opinions on difficult topics, you quickly learn a simple truth.
Not everyone will like what you have to say.
Some will agree with you, some won't. Some will make up their minds about you without ever meeting you. That's business, and that’s life.
Years ago, that bothered me. Today, it doesn't as much. Maybe it’s an age thing.
I see business as a challenge. I look for opportunities, make contact and invite people to experience what I do. Some say yes, some say no, some never reply.
I have a simple rule: three attempts, then I let go. Well, sometimes four, they may have missed one or two of the others 😊.
One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that the word no rarely means forever. I've had organisations choose other providers only to return years later.
At the time, it felt disappointing, yet looking back, it was simply their decision.
The experience taught me that rejection is information, not identity.
These days I worry less about closed doors. I've seen too many reopen when I least expected it.
Treat people well, do good work, stay true to your values, leave with grace when you're not wanted.
Then move forward.
Life has a funny way of weaving the strands of the rope together when the time is right.
Let’s talk!
Maybe Fear is Simply Paying Attention.
Few people know this, but I once took up skydiving.
Apparently being a police officer didn't provide enough excitement, so I organised for our section to do a parachute jump at the local Air Force Sports Club.
The first jump was incredible, exhilarating, life-changing, a total rush.
Of course, the first jump was easy. I was too terrified to know what was happening.
Living in the moment became living in approximately three seconds at a time.
The second jump was much harder. The first jump is blind panic, while the second jump is ‘informed’ panic.
You suddenly know what can go wrong, and unfortunately, my brain felt obliged to share every possible scenario.
Despite this, I caught the bug. I've always had this strange belief that if something scares me, I should probably do more of it to overcome the fear.
Looking back, that may explain a lot about my childhood.
Eventually I progressed to freefall, a wonderfully descriptive name. A bit like calling turbulence ‘unexpected movement.’
The theory was simple. You jump out of the aircraft, you remain calm, you follow the procedure.
If something went wrong, there were safety systems in place. Easy, what could go wrong?
Unfortunately, my nervous system had no interest in simple. The instructor would say GO, and I reckon my hand was already halfway to the ripcord.
I wasn't free-falling; I was panic-falling and paying for the opportunity - nothing about it was free.
I completed a few more jumps, hoping I'd eventually relax. I didn't; I was terrified.
Did I get a buzz out of it? No. The buzz came from surviving death.
Eventually I told the jumpmaster that my latest jump would be my last. He looked surprised. Why, he said, don't you get a buzz from it anymore?
My reply: No, I'm scared as hell every single time. Then something strange happened, that final jump was perfect.
For the first time ever, I relaxed. I was stable, in control; the horizon sat exactly where it should.
I checked my altimeter, enjoyed the view, pulled the ripcord when I was supposed to. It was everything skydiving enthusiasts talk about.
When I landed, the jumpmaster walked over and said, ‘Now you're ready.’
The next step was a jump with two instructors holding me stable so I could experience the full joy of freefall. He was genuinely excited. Me, not so much.
Mate, I have just spent several years discovering I don't enjoy falling towards Earth at 200 kilometres an hour.
That was the last time I visited a drop zone. It turns out there are easier ways to deal with fear, many of them involve keeping both feet on the ground.
The lesson? People often say growth happens outside your comfort zone, and that's true.
But sometimes wisdom is recognising that your comfort zone was actually making a good point.
After all, if someone told you the activity involved throwing yourself out of an aeroplane and hoping a collection of strings sorted everything out, maybe fear wasn't the problem.
Maybe fear was simply paying attention.
Grumpy People!
Why are some people always grumpy?
We all know one - maybe you work with them, maybe you live with them.
Maybe, at some point, you were one.
I was angry at everything. I was frustrated with everyone. I was hardest on myself.
No matter what people said, nothing changed.
For a long time I thought that’s just who I was, but it wasn’t.
It wasn’t until I understood what was going on beneath the surface that things started to change.
For me, it was ADHD.
The constant frustration, the racing mind, the continual mistakes, the feeling of repeating the same errors over and over and not learning from them.
Irritation, then anger, then a lens where everything looks wrong.
Some people are simply more wired for strong negative emotions.
Some have brains that scan for problems more than positives.
For others, past experiences such as trauma or stress keep their system stuck on edge.
What looks like grumpiness is often something deeper.
That doesn’t make it easy to be around because negativity spreads. You can feel it in a team, and it can bring others down quickly.
Should we try to change them? Sometimes, if they’re open to it.
Change can only happen when someone understands themselves the way I eventually did. Sometimes, they’re not there yet.
Therefore, the real question becomes: do you keep trying to change them, or do you learn to work around them without letting them affect you?
Grumpy people aren’t always choosing to be grumpy. Understanding just that can change how we respond.
Let’s talk!
The Understatement!
My car recently developed a new hobby of not starting.
It began with a flat battery. No problem, we all have bad days. I jump-started it and carried on.
The next morning, flat battery, jump-start. The morning after, etc., etc.
By day four, I was starting to think my car had entered a toxic phase of hating to leave home.
Every morning felt like Groundhog Day, except Bill Murray probably had a battery charger.
Eventually, I called a mechanic.
I explained that I travel extensively for work, often around the upper North Island and that my car had become about as reliable as New Zealand weather forecasts.
The mechanic listened carefully, reflected thoughtfully and delivered the greatest understatement in Kiwi history.
"That's unhelpful."
That's unhelpful, really? Not: That must be incredibly frustrating, or Let's get this sorted quickly, or Heck mate, that's a pain.
Nope.
It got me thinking about all the masters of understatement we meet in life. The ones who respond to devastation with the emotional intensity of a wet flannel.
You lose your job - "Could be worse."
Your boat sinks - "Well, you won't need to clean it now."
Worse still, your life is falling apart - "Look on the bright side."
My personal favourite - "At least nobody died." Which, if we're honest, covers an awful lot of situations.
Accidentally sent an email to the wrong person? Actually, in that case, death may have seemed preferable.
The funny thing is that most people who say these things mean well. They're trying to help, to make us feel better.
Sometimes what we really want isn't a solution, we just want someone to acknowledge that what happened was a bit crap.
Just once I'd love a mechanic to look me in the eye and say: "Mate, that's bloody annoying, let's get you sorted and back on the road."
Maybe that's the lesson.
Before we jump straight to finding the positive, perhaps we should spend a few moments recognising the frustration.
After all, feeling understood is often more helpful than hearing that things could have been worse.
Validation!
If my car battery dies again tomorrow morning, I'll probably just stand there, look at it, and say "Well that's unhelpful."
Let’s talk!
We Are Flat Out!
Someone asked me how I was doing.
I replied, “I’m working hard to get work so I can work hard.”
I later thought, well that’s accurate, and slightly alarming considering the work I do!
That’s kind of where we’re all at though, isn’t it?
We’re flat out, only to line up more things to be flat out about.
Chasing work, building relationships, following up leads.
All so we can wake up next month and say - Right. Time to really knuckle down.
It’s the only system in which success is rewarded with more work.
It's not just work that we do this in.
We now must: schedule time for rest, optimise time for fun, track our walks and plan our ‘spontaneous’ weekends.
If anyone asks how it’s going? “Yeah, good mate. Living the dream!”
I ponder, when did working hard stop being the way to enjoy life and become the whole point of life?
I’m pretty sure the original deal was to work hard so we can enjoy life.
Not work hard so we can get even better at working hard.
If you’re working hard to find work so you can work hard, just like me, you’re not alone.
We’re all in the same waka. And hey, maybe it is the right thing to do.
Every now and then it might pay to put a little less effort into everything, even if it’s just for a minute before we get back to it.
Let’s talk!