Why do we lose our cool more in disagreements than emergencies?
We recently ran a survey on LinkedIn asking: “What do you find more difficult: staying calm in an emergency or staying calm in a disagreement?”
The results were striking:
Staying calm in an emergency: 5%
Staying calm in a disagreement: 81%
Both are equally challenging: 14%
Emergencies often trigger action, something positive to work on, whereas disagreements trigger emotion, and emotion is harder to manage.
Think of a time when someone challenged your opinion in a meeting. Or when a loved one said something that hit a nerve. Or when a colleague dismissed your idea without explanation.
These moments don’t require physical action; they require emotional regulation, and that’s where a lot of us struggle.
Here’s what we teach to stay calm in disagreements:
1. Do not respond immediately - Reacting quickly locks in your response. It’s called anchoring bias; the brain remembers your first reaction and defaults to it when triggered again. Instead, pause first to act with intention.
2. Breathe out before responding - This simple act lowers your voice, slows your speech, and gives your brain time to think. It’s a reset button.
3. Ask a question - If you’re unsure what to say, shift the focus: “What just happened?” “What went wrong?”
This gives the other person control, helps you gather information, and buys you time.
Then, validate their experience. Validation isn’t agreement; it’s an acknowledgment of what they just said or their situation.
“That must be frustrating.”
“That should never have happened.”
“I’d be confused too.”
It shows empathy and lowers defensiveness.
Use inclusive language. Instead of “I’ll see what I can do,” say “Let’s see what we can do.”
It’s subtle, but it shifts the dynamic from me vs. you to us working together.
Finally, follow their lead, let them do all the talking. You respond. You guide. You stay calm.
This works. I promise.
It takes practice; you won’t get it perfect the first few times. Yet each time you pause, breathe out, ask, validate, and include – you are rewiring your brain to act rather than react.
Let’s talk!
We See Things Through our Own Eyes!
Everyone has an opinion about everything.
Some keep their thoughts to themselves, others express them politely, and a few will let everyone know exactly what they think - sometimes done in ways that upset others, whether intentionally or not.
As crisis negotiators, we are trained to see the world from the other person’s perspective.
To do this, we explore their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Not by interrogating, but by asking open questions.
And we never ask “why.” For why is a blame word. Instead, we ask, “What is the reason?” That small shift opens doors.
Every organisation is limited by the knowledge and experiences of those within it. This can restrict their ability to respond efficiently and effectively.
When I was in the New Zealand Police, I was selected to oversee the practical application of the witness protection programme.
I was excited as this was a sought-after role. But I was also nervous. These were specialist operators, a small group of elite personnel, always armed, always on alert.
I didn’t know how they did their job, so I started asking questions: “Why do you do this? Why do you do that?” Coming from my previous role with Professional Standards, the unit that oversees police conduct, I was met with suspicion.
One officer even told me he thought I was a plant, sent to catch them out.
So, I changed my approach. I stopped asking “why” and started asking, “What is the reason?”
Suddenly, the purpose of my questions became clear. They opened up, sharing the rationale behind their methods.
I offered alternative ideas, and together we explored new ways of doing things.
Sometimes they’d explain why a change wouldn’t work; other times, they’d see a better way forward.
This new lens, this willingness to look at things differently, motivated them to keep asking themselves, “Is there a better way?”
We are all limited by our own knowledge and experiences. Organisations are no different.
We rely on policies and procedures to keep us safe and shield us from criticism. But this can reinforce the idea that our way is the only way, and everyone else is wrong.
If you’re stuck, reacting instead of acting, or quick to judge, take a moment to seek someone else’s perspective.
You might find a solution. You might find a better way. You might even find that you were wrong.
Try looking at things through a kaleidoscope, using as many lenses as possible.
You just never know what you might discover.
Let’s talk!
Getting Through The Night!
When it seems that everyone else is fast asleep, we lie awake.
Nighttime can be lonely for those who cannot sleep. Demons tend to come in the dark because of the quiet during the night.
I have always been a worrier and never a warrior. I picked it up from my mother, she had a big heart and always worried about everything.
At the age of 16 I hardly slept, barely getting enough sleep to get by. Alcohol and substance abuse to try and get to sleep.
Medication is never the solution; it only adds to the unwanted cycle of worry and despair.
Fast forward 30 years, and, once again, sleep evaded me as I dove into depression. Self-medication was the automatic default.
Lying awake at nighttime is desperately lonely, for you are the only one who is suffering. Yet, there are many others who struggle to sleep; you are not as alone as you think.
Fast forward to the present. Sleep still evades me on occasion, particularly when hit by a setback.
Having studied sleep and trialed many methods of getting to sleep, we have compiled a document on how to achieve a better night's sleep. It is yours free of charge, available on our website.
For me, the number one way of dealing with a sleepless night is to accept it, accept that I will have a sleepless night.
Acceptance brings an anchor. The night will be a roller-coaster of high anxiety and, on occasion, calmness. And that is where I find sanctuary.
Remember this - if you are struggling with sleep, know you will get through the night. It is just your thoughts keeping you awake, and those thoughts cannot hurt us unless we allow them to; they are ours to control.
Become a warrior and work through your thoughts until you find calm.
The sun will come up, and you can now work on what's actually worrying you, not what you thought was worrying you.
Let’s talk!
Workplace Culture!
We talk a lot about positive culture in workplaces, but what does that actually mean?
Culture doesn’t just come from a vision, a mission statement, or a list of values.
Nor is it a morning tea, a team-building day, or a celebration of success.
It’s how people behave when no one’s watching, how we respond under pressure, and how we treat each other when things go wrong.
At WARN International, we approach culture through the lens of neuroscience and behavioural awareness.
A truly positive culture starts with individuals understanding their own triggers, emotional responses, and patterns of behaviour.
You can’t dictate culture, but you can promote it, model it, and call out poor practices when they arise.
So how do we change culture?
Here are 5 practical steps we use to build inclusive, engaging, and resilient teams:
1. Name it to tame it - Teach people to recognise their emotional triggers and to control them.
2. Model micro-moments of safety – Culture changes through small, consistent actions. A calm tone, a genuine check-in, or a pause before reacting can rewire team dynamics.
3. Call out the behaviour, not the people – Use language that separates the person from the action. This promotes accountability without shame and encourages growth over defensiveness.
4. Create space for genuine conversations – Psychological safety isn’t built in meetings; it is built in moments of vulnerability. Make room for people to speak up, share ideas, and to admit mistakes.
5. Reward the right things – Recognise behaviours that align with your values, not just performance outcomes. What gets rewarded gets repeated.
Culture isn’t a one-off initiative. It’s a living system, a moving phenomenon, a continuous process.
Culture is largely about people’s behaviour; it is the biggest driver.
Change the behaviour to change the culture, one small step at a time, just as we do when changing our own behaviour.
Let’s talk!
Write It Down!
During a presentation last week for Survey & Spatial, someone shared that they’d been told not to write lists.
They were told that remembering tasks keeps the brain active.
It made me pause. For me, writing things down doesn’t make me lazy or forgetful - it makes me free.
Free of the brain loop, free of unnecessary information, free to think of other things.
Neuroscience backs this up.
Writing by hand with a pen activates multiple brain regions, including the hippocampus, visual cortices, and frontal areas. More so than typing or trying to remember.
Writing boosts memory encoding, comprehension, and even creativity.
In fact, writing is a form of external cognition; it offloads mental clutter so your brain can focus on what matters.
When we write, we engage in a deeper cognitive process. We summarise, reflect, and connect.
That’s why ideas often pop into our heads while writing. The act itself stimulates the brain’s default mode network, the part responsible for imagination and spontaneous thought.
Writing down goals, vividly and intentionally, increases the likelihood of achieving them by up to 40%.
Why? Because writing triggers the generation effect, where we remember and act on things we’ve created ourselves.
As part of my positive psychology studies, I wrote down a simple intention: Spend more time with people and take a genuine interest.
As an introvert, this was uncomfortable. But something changed recently, and I found myself asking someone I’ve known for years what they were up to.
They looked surprised and asked, “Why are you asking what I am up to?”
That moment hit me, I realised I’d been unconsciously connecting with people. Not because I was forcing it, but because I’d written it down.
Writing helps us:
* Reduce cognitive load and stress.
* Spark creativity and insight.
* Improve focus and comprehension.
* Achieve goals through deeper encoding.
* Feel progress through dopamine hits when we tick things off.
So yes, write. Write the list, write the goal, write the intention.
And maybe, just maybe, you’ll discover something about yourself you didn’t know was there.
Let’s talk and let’s write!