Why do we lose our cool more in disagreements than emergencies?
We recently ran a survey on LinkedIn asking: “What do you find more difficult: staying calm in an emergency or staying calm in a disagreement?”
The results were striking:
Staying calm in an emergency: 5%
Staying calm in a disagreement: 81%
Both are equally challenging: 14%
Emergencies often trigger action, something positive to work on, whereas disagreements trigger emotion, and emotion is harder to manage.
Think of a time when someone challenged your opinion in a meeting. Or when a loved one said something that hit a nerve. Or when a colleague dismissed your idea without explanation.
These moments don’t require physical action; they require emotional regulation, and that’s where a lot of us struggle.
Here’s what we teach to stay calm in disagreements:
1. Do not respond immediately - Reacting quickly locks in your response. It’s called anchoring bias; the brain remembers your first reaction and defaults to it when triggered again. Instead, pause first to act with intention.
2. Breathe out before responding - This simple act lowers your voice, slows your speech, and gives your brain time to think. It’s a reset button.
3. Ask a question - If you’re unsure what to say, shift the focus: “What just happened?” “What went wrong?”
This gives the other person control, helps you gather information, and buys you time.
Then, validate their experience. Validation isn’t agreement; it’s an acknowledgment of what they just said or their situation.
“That must be frustrating.”
“That should never have happened.”
“I’d be confused too.”
It shows empathy and lowers defensiveness.
Use inclusive language. Instead of “I’ll see what I can do,” say “Let’s see what we can do.”
It’s subtle, but it shifts the dynamic from me vs. you to us working together.
Finally, follow their lead, let them do all the talking. You respond. You guide. You stay calm.
This works. I promise.
It takes practice; you won’t get it perfect the first few times. Yet each time you pause, breathe out, ask, validate, and include – you are rewiring your brain to act rather than react.
Let’s talk!
Disagreements Are More Difficult Than Emergencies For Most Of Us!