Resiliency: Who Can It Help?

I was humbled to be asked to co-host a radio show last night, The Nutters Club with Mike King. For those who don't know the show, it is a talk-back show that airs from 11pm on a Sunday night and is for people to phone in and discuss mental health issues.

To be honest, I felt a bit lost at times last night simply because of the desperate situations of some of the callers who are suffering from depression and have fallen so deep into a hole that they cannot find a way up from.

To tell someone that they should get more sleep, they should exercise more, and perhaps get out and socialise, falls on deaf ears. Not because they don't want to listen to what you are saying, they do. It's just because of their personal circumstances and how far down they have fallen. Their brain is unable to focus clearly.

There are many techniques that you can use to support personal resilience, or resiliency if you want to use another term. Like everything, you need to start early and you need to make it a regular habit.   

Resilience strengthening does work, research clearly shows us this, and it works for the majority of people provided they are 1) willing to make it a regular pattern and 2) are in the right situation/circumstances.

I have suffered from depression, albeit I managed to catch it early. I went and got help from a psychologist, I studied lots on why it happens, I implemented resilience strategies, and I escaped from the clutches of the 'black dog'. I patted him on the head rather than curling up beside him. 

Like most of you, I thought that I was indestructible. Guess what, I wasn't. And neither are you. It doesn't always happen to other people and it will happen to you if you don't get the right balance. Your brain will simply shut down if it becomes overloaded just like a computer does when you open too many software programmes. 

Over the next week I am going to share with you some techniques that you can use to manage your well-being. They are researched based and they work. Don't leave it until "later on" to start using them because "later on" comes unexpectedly.

One Simple Secret for Difficult Communications

Those who know me will say that I am a simple man, I like to take complicated things and simplify them. I do so because that is how I can remember them when under stress.

I have read many books on crisis communications, most of them are full of complicated suggestions that I could never hope to recall.

I have attended (and taught on) crisis negotiation courses in New Zealand, Australia, and with the FBI. Again, each course was fantastic but tended to provide information that was difficult to recall in the middle of a negotiation.

Here is one simple strategy for understanding how to use crisis communications with people who are in an emotional state which encompasses everything that I ever read and practised in my 13 years as a negotiator.

A book has a beginning, a middle and an end. It starts with the introduction and how something has occurred to give you the background. It moves on to the current situation and includes lots of explanation about the plot, i.e. what is happening. The book finishes with what happens next, the end game and takes the reader off into the future.

In negotiating and crisis communication you start with the middle, go back to the start, then finish at the end. 

You firstly need to know how the person is feeling, what's their current situation, what's going on around them. Get them to tell you, make it about them. Ask lots of open questions beginning with the words 'What' or 'How'.

Once you have enough information go back to the start, what was the cause and how did they get to the current position? (Notice the two words I used, what and how). This gives you the answers as to why they are in the position that they are in and allows them to tell you their story. While doing so they are venting and you are learning. The answers they give you will help you to participate in the end of the story, the resolution.

The last stage is the end of the story, moving towards the future. This is where you start to talk more. You work with the person to find the solutions and provide them with hope to move forward. Give them something to do so they are occupied and have ownership of their circumstances. 

In sum, start in the middle, go back to the beginning, and finish at the end. So often we want to go straight to the end, resist the temptation. If you mix these stages up the resolution will take much longer.

Make Meetings Matter

Don't you hate long meetings? Everyone wants to meet about something. Sometimes we even have meetings that are scheduled each week whether or not there is anything to meet about.

Some organisations have thought about the amount of wasted time spent in meetings and they now hold their meetings standing up. A great idea for many reasons - better for your health, no one wants to stand up for too long, we think better on our feet (hence the adage), and meetings are shorter.

Here are some additional tips on making meetings more effective;

• One person in charge - That person keeps the meeting on task and to time.
• Start on time - Don't wait for stragglers, they will soon learn to get there on time or be embarrassed at being late.
• Distractions - Phones off, blinds down, no laptops (some will tell you that this is the way that they take notes. No they don't, that's what the minutes are for).
• Start with the small stuff - To get people warmed up and comfortable with the fast pace, start with your small items first.
• Don't go back - Just like your emails, read it and do something about it immediately. Going back over something means that you have to read it all again.
• Make a decision - Meetings are about making decisions, so make one. If you need more information, assign an action point and get the information out immediately after the meeting then make a decision using your Outlook voting button.
• Minutes - Send out the minutes as soon as they are typed, which again is immediately after the meeting. Don't leave it until the next day because people will have moved on to other things and they will need to waste valuable time recalling what the discussion was about.
• Action points - Assign a name to each AP and a timeline for completion. 
• Finish on time - Humans are clock watchers. If you go into overtime the attendees will be more worried about the time than they will about the topic. 

If you are an attendee at a meeting;

• Be on time.
• Come prepared having read the agenda.
• Make notes of questions that you want answered.
• Keep your questions short.
• If you have nothing to say, say nothing. 
• Respect other peoples opinion.
• Don't go off track, focus.

The next time that you are in a meeting, make a note of how much time is spent on the agenda and how much is wasted on other things. Then add up the salaries of those in the meeting. You will be surprised at how much it costs talking about what everyone did in the weekend! 

There are very few times in our day when we need to strictly adhere to rules, meetings are one of them.

Optimistic Leadership

When I first came across this heading I thought that it was some new term for a leader that is always hoping for the best. And I suppose it is a little bit like that. What it actually is, is the ability to see opportunity in every crisis.

In times of crisis, we often spend 80% of our time looking at what went wrong and who was to blame. The remaining 20% is spent on how to avoid the crisis next time. What we should be doing is looking for opportunities to overcome the crisis.

Up until the 1960's, we learned that achievement was the most important goal and the only way to achieve something was to work hard for it. Achievement was superseded by the 'feel-good', 'I'm OK, You're OK' generation hence they lost the ability to see that you have to work hard at something to achieve it and avoid things going wrong.

The new generation/s soon learnt that just turning up at work and feeling happy about yourself isn't enough. When they don't succeed they feel devastated about it, sometimes even depressed.

Optimism develops by experiencing success and failure. When I coach on optimism, some young people look at me as though I am a bit strange. And I am I guess. Nevertheless when they don't understand that failure is temporary and that there are always opportunities arising from adversity it is difficult for them to be optimistic. They still see optimism as just being happy.

So how do you get them to understand the concept of optimism, you model it. When a crisis happens, or perhaps your team has failed to meet its target, there are three key messages to discuss with your team;

1. The crisis is temporary, it is not eternal.
2. The crisis is specific, it is one or two things that occurred.
3. You can only control what you can control,often the crisis happened through circumstances out of our control.

Acknowledge the disappointment, look at the cure not the cause, and move on quickly so not to dwell on the negative. when they see that life carries on and that you are focussing on the positive things they will learn that optimism is beneficial.

I Hate Mondays!

Unless you are one of those lucky people who really enjoys their job, you are probably prone to Mondayitis. What is it about the first day of the week that most of us don't enjoy and is there a way of changing this? 

As someone who has worked rotating shifts, started the week on different days, and now doesn't really have to start work on a Monday, I know that it is not Monday that is the problem. It's the first day of the working week that is the problem. But you already knew that.

The main cause of Monday blues is that are not enjoying your job, you are not getting any satisfaction in what you are doing. Get a new job I hear people saying. Well, what if you can't get a new job?

Here are some ways that might help you to get over Mondayitis;

1.     On Friday, leave as little work as possible for Monday. Because we just want to get out of the office on Friday we tend to delay the worst jobs until Monday. Do them on Friday when you are feeling good about the weekend coming up.

2.     Also on a Friday afternoon, make a list of what you have to achieve the next week so that you know on Monday what you have to do. Don't forget to add the jobs that make you happy to the list.

3.     Don't check your work emails or do any work 'stuff' over the weekend. Weekends are for you to enjoy and to forget about work.

4.     Go to bed early on a Sunday night to get plenty of rest for the week ahead. We tend to delay going to bed on Sunday night in a futile attempt to delay the inevitable, Monday morning.

5.     Dress as though you mean it. If you look professional you will behave professionally. Wear clothes that you enjoy wearing, save your best 'Sunday best' for Monday.

6.     If you can, avoid meetings on a Monday. Government departments are great at holding meetings on Mondays. Try and get them changed to a Tuesday. No one likes meetings let alone on a Monday. If you have to hold a meeting on a Monday, make them quick, set a time and stick to it.

7.     Look ahead to something pleasant. It may be something coming up during the week, or next weekend, or perhaps longer term. When you feel a bit down, thinking about happy things will change your mind-set.

8.     Don't procrastinate over jobs that have to be done on a Monday. Get them done as quickly as you can. Do them first in fact.

9.     Make someone else happy. Open a door, make them a coffee, pay them a compliment, do something for someone else and watch what happens to your mood when they thank you.

10. Be positive. There it is, the biggest one that you can do. Personally, I don't like to use the word positive because for me it gives the impression of people living their life away from reality. I prefer to say, be optimistic. Whatever word you like, think that way. Research tells us that if we think happy thoughts we can change our attitude. 

Monday is just another day, albeit it is the start of the working week. If it wasn't for Monday you couldn't start your week and then you wouldn't get paid for that week! You need Monday, Monday is here to stay. Embrace Monday, get stuck in to it and know that it is you who needs to change.