Stop For A Moment

The world is moving so fast now that it is difficult to predict where we are heading and in which direction it will take. It is safe to say that technological advances have catapulted us headlong into the future.

Companies must maximise the use of technology to make it easy for them and for their market. They must also continuously look for a point of difference. They must either battle against their competitors or join with them to remain in operation.

People are no different, we must adapt to the ever-changing environment which can be overwhelming for some. Mostly, it overwhelms those of us who are slightly 'older'.

Those of us from the Baby Boomer era enjoyed our slow-paced life. We had time to sit and read a book, to take a walk, to spend time with our family, to smell the roses. Well, we still can and it may just help us by doing so.

I am always busy meeting with people, presenting at events, delivering coaching workshops, and running a business. Like most of us, I also have other things on the go. Some belong to a sports club, others a hobby group, and for me it is supporting not-for-profits. Busy, busy, busy.   

The other day I stopped and sat with my two grandchildren. One (aged 4) was reading a story on the i-Pad, the other (aged 2) was watching a video clip on an i-Phone. Both a proficient in the use of technology, it's not a novelty but a necessity for them. They know more about how to use technology than I do.

I sat on the lounge floor beside the toy box and both grandchildren stopped what they were doing and came and played with the toys that were scattered around the floor. We played for just 10 minutes. 

Did this make a difference for them, the smile on their faces showed me it did. Did this make a difference for me, you bet. When the grandchildren went home, I was smiling, contented, and invigorated. I was happy to go back to my work and did so with a renewed enthusiasm.

Maybe there is something in what research tells us. Maybe it is good to stop for a while. Maybe I should stop for a moment more often. Sit and just talk. Such a familiar concept but an unusual practice these days. 

The Change Cycle

Have you ever wondered why we can predict how the brain will behave in any given situation? Why most of us behave in similar patterns? Why we can remember some things and not others?

Apart from science and research providing us with most of the answers, our brains have predictable cycles and patterns. Most cycles work in 5's;

Grief - Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Hate - Angry feelings, rage, tense body, adverse reaction, bitterness/resentment.

Sleep - Drowsiness, light sleep, deep sleep, delta, and REM.

Violence - Abuse, fear, blame, normalcy, then tension re-builds.

Communication - Trigger, internal reaction, mental reaction, verbal reaction, await response.

Sexual Response - Desire, excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

I added that last one in to keep you interested in this post.....

So how does this help us? It is beneficial for those who manage change in the workplace. By identifying which stage people are at in the change reaction cycle, you can tailor the amount and frequency of information that you provide staff.

The change reaction cycle is comparable to the grief cycle;

1. Denial - The head-in-the-sand, it's not going to happen phase. Provide lots of communication on why the need to change is required.
2. Anger - This is the time to back off, you won't win the argument. Give those who are most angry something to do towards the change project. Listen to what they have to say and show plenty of empathy.
3. Bargaining - You know you are here when the union becomes involved, when staff work slower as a sign of defiance. Talk about the benefits of change, how it will be easier for them once the change is introduced, how they can do more with less. The temptation is to play hard-ball, don't.
4. Depression - Now is the time to meet one-on-one with your staff. Personalise your messages, get staff talking about how they feel and encourage them to ask questions. Take your time in this phase, it will reduce the overall period in the long-term.
5. Acceptance - You will see a recognised change in behaviour as staff start to realise that the change was for a reason, that it is for the better, and that they were an integral part of it.

Keep the momentum going, make change the new normal if you want to reduce anxiety around change. More importantly, you will need to keep changing to stay in business.

Empathic Communication

I am one who espouses the benefits of empathic communication for managing difficult (angry) people. Research by Dr Carl Marci shows us that if two people are in an empathic conversation, their autonomic systems synchronise. So what is it and how does it work?

In simple terms, empathy is the ability to imagine ourselves in the same situation as another person, including feeling the experience and emotion. Put yourself in their shoes.  When a listener reflects back the other person's feelings, the other person perceives that the listener understands their situation.  

I have previously discussed the eight strategies of active listening so I won't do so again. Here's another way to become an empathic listener;

1. First you must listen - Encourage the other person to talk and show a genuine interest in what they have to say.
2. Listen for emotion - Emotion gets in the way of free-flowing communication and stalls the other person. When you hear them say something that they are emotional about, acknowledge the emotion by saying "I can see how that would make you angry/sad/confused". 
3. Paraphrase what they have told you - Put the important points of what they have said into your own words. This shows that you are listening, you are a person, and you care.
4. Thank them - When they have finished telling you their story acknowledge it in some way, either by thanking them or expressing how you might feel the same way as they do.
5. Be honest, be genuine, be open - Don't let your own pre-judging get in the way.
6. Make it about them - Ignore your own story, it is about them. Maintain a focus on their situation.

Empathic communication is not an easy technique to master, it takes time and practice. 

Three Rules In Communication

You would have read many articles on ways to communicate effectively in challenging situations. Some work, some don't. A lot depends upon the other person, what their emotional state is at the time of the communication.

I have had organisations come to me promoting ways to understand a person's behaviour so that you can engage with them more effectively. I don't doubt that learning about a person's behaviour will help you communicate with them better but what about those situations when you haven't got time to go through a list of their behaviours?

In challenging communications, most of the conversations are centred on emotions, how the person is 'feeling' when they are talking. They are not just talking, they are also telling you how they feeling. I have seen a person talk about the same topic one way when they were calm and a completely different way when they were angry. We behave differently when we are emotional and this way is often unpredictable.

In my business, I coach on dealing with the unknown, the unpredictable emotional behaviours when people become angry. No amount of behavioural analysis will ever successfully predict how a person will react in an emotional situation.

To cover these circumstances there are three basic principles to use when you are communicating with someone who is in an emotional state;

1. Listen - Never say the first word, take a long slow deep quiet breath, don't say the first thing that comes into your head (it's always wrong) and wait for the other person to stop before you say anything. Let them talk, by doing so they are expressing how they feel and are venting their frustrations. In crisis negotiation we have a mantra, (we have quite a few actually), you were given two ears and one mouth for a reason - twice as much listening as talking.
2. Be empathetic - See things from their perspective, how would you feel in their situation. Empathy is an understanding, not sympathy. Say things such as "I can see how that would make you angry", or "I would probably feel the same way in your situation", or "It sounds like you have had a tough time".
3. Be honest - Honesty is just not telling the truth, although that is very important. Honesty is also about telling the other person how you feel. While you should always try and make it about the emotional person to make them feel important, it is also about providing an honest perspective on the situation by stating your views. Just do so in a non-confrontational way.

By remembering these three simple rules you will find that you can control emotional people. Given we are all very different, know that these rules won't work for everyone.

The Positives Diary

I read somewhere that when you are struggling you should start a diary (journal) and record the bad things that happened to you each day so that you could avoid those things in the future.

The way it worked is that you write down in a journal what went wrong or upset you during the day, why it upset you, and how you can avoid it in the future. The theory was sound but the practice isn't. Some of the things that  impact on us negatively are out of our control therefore all that you can do was try your best to ignore them when they occurred. 

Then I read about keeping a positives diary. At the end of each day I was to write down one positive thing that happened to me. At the end of the week I could look back through the diary and see what positive events occurred which would stimulate my brain in a positive way.

It is a medical fact that if you think positively then you will feel better. Research has shown that by thinking positively you can add 7 years to your life whereas medical intervention can only add 3 years.

Doesn't this make more sense? If you focus on the negative things in life all of the time then our brain will continue to look for negative things. As you probably know, the brain focuses on negative things anyway in its pitiful attempt to help us. Not very helpful really.

If on the other hand if you were to write down only positive things your brain will learn to focus more on the positives, on the happier moments. Over a period of 60+ days your brain will focus more on happier events and not so much on the bad ones. 

Don't worry if you are concerned that your brain won't be there to 'help' you with the negative stuff, it will still do so. It just won't be as prominent.