Life Changes, Move On.

Everything can change in an instant. The impact of the change for some can be absorbed or dismissed yet for others it can be devastating.  I cringe when I hear people say, "life changes so deal with it."  Or "sh*t happens, move on."  For some it is not that simple.  For some these statements are meaningless and may be hurtful. 

Those who have been or are suffering from a brain sickness (mental illness) it is never easy to move on and change adds more to their burden.  I am always espousing the benefits of positive thinking in my genuine desire to help people.  Yet I know it might not help the people I want to help the most, the people who are struggling with depression.

Those of you who have been kindly following my blogs will know that I always look for positives and try to be optimistic.  That's what I have found works for me to stay well.  For those who are deep in the mire with their head in a bad place, they have difficulty in seeing a way out of their problems.  They struggle just to get through each minute of each hour of each day. 

I must always remind myself that when I am speaking to an audience I am making big assumptions. I am assuming that everyone in the audience is in a good space yet I should know that some won't be. Perhaps that's why they have come to listen to me talk or to read my blog, to try something different.

The next time you hear someone tell another person to move on, to get a grip, to harden up, think about both people. Think about the ignorant one who is making big assumptions or is unaware that their statement may cause more harm than good despite their best intentions.  And think about the person who is listening to this statement and may not be able to move on.

Life can be equally good and bad, sh*t does happen sometimes. When it does, do your best to look for the positives and hang in there to see what else happens.  You just never know, it might surprise you.

Stay Calm - 10 Tips To Make That Talk Easier

Talking in front of an audience can be a daunting experience for all of us so why is it that some people seem to do so with consummate ease? I am told that I appear calm when presenting in front of an audience, I can tell you that on the inside my stomach is doing back flips. I have never yet mastered calmness!

I once witnessed a comedian give one of the funniest stand-up presentations that I have ever seen and he did so while standing in the middle of a room full of police tactical response personnel dressed in formal military attire. He was the calmest person I had seen, ever.

After having to wait for over an hour, the comedian entered the room brimming with confidence and floored everyone when he asked what WE wanted to hear, a regular routine or to throw questions at him. Now that is confidence. No one said a word because we were stunned. 

I learned a lot that night, and have continued to learn with each speech, presentation, interview, or workshop that I provide. I hope that these tips will help you;

1. Know your material - It's a lonely place standing in front of an audience, more lonely if you forget your material or are found wanting when asked a question. Go through your presentation just prior to your delivery so that you can warm-up your brain.
2. Arrive early - This enables you to look at the venue and the people, to acclimatise to the environment. It also provides the opportunity to check the sound and presentation equipment if you are using any. On more than one occasion I have had to rush away and get something to fix a problem.
3. Drink plenty of water - When we are nervous, our mouth dries as part of our fight/flight response as our digestive system stops working to provide that extra bit of energy to our body. Have at least two glasses of water 30 minutes ahead of the presentation.
4. Go to the toilet - Yep, all of that water is going to make you want to go. Additionally, our nervous stomach may want to evacuate some of the waste material out of the other end, again as part of the fight/flight response.
5. Check your zipper - Men, you have just been to the toilet and in your nervous state you will probably forget to zip your pants up. While in the bathroom also check your face for food, your nose for mucus, and straighten your clothing. You want people to listen to what you have to say and not be distracted.
6. Take a deep breath - This is one time that you need as much oxygen as possible so suck up all that you can into your stomach and hold it for a few seconds. This slows your heart rate and allows oxygenated blood to be pumped to your brain. Only one breath though, otherwise you will get dizzy and may fall flat on your face.
7. Start with confidence - I never hear the first few sentences that come out of my mouth when in front of a large audience but they must be okay because the audience hasn't laughed at me, yet. I walk into the room confidently and get straight into my presentation with a strong(ish) voice.
8. Ignore your voice - To you, your voice will sound shaky. To everyone else it sounds fine. Our sensors are on high alert so you will notice every little frailty in your delivery. Ignore it.
9. Laugh at your mistakes - If you make an error, make it obvious and laugh at yourself as this will encourage you to remain calm. I once spat a small piece of food from my mouth as I spoke and some of the audience noticed. I immediately said "see how exciting this presentation is, I am so excited I can't keep my food down".
10. Remember who the audience is there to see - We all suffer from self-doubt and lose a bit of confidence as a result. Remind yourself that the audience is there to see you because they know how good you are and you know your material.

Better Words

Thanks to those who have asked for alternative words from my earlier posting.  I was going to string it out until tomorrow but that would be against the principles of resiliency....

The 10 words to avoid are again listed here to jog your memory, with the alternatives provided for you to try;

1. I understand - Try using something like "That's helpful", "I take your point", "And because of that you are angry/sad/frustrated", "This is important", "I had something similar event happen to me, it's terrible/sad/difficult isn't it?"
2. A good question - Just answer the question immediately. If it is a good question and you want to acknowledge it, then say "I've not been asked that before". This shows the questioner that you are genuine in your reaction to their question and may excuse you if you can't answer the question immediately.
3. Actually - Don't use this or any similar word as it's makes you sound superior. Or you might say "What I found was..." If you are suggesting an alternative point or you might say "An alternate view is...."
4. Really - Don't use any other word to replace the word really.  Either something is large or it is huge, it's not really large. If you use 'really' by itself as an expressive word, it says that you don't believe the person so instead say "That happened?", or "That incredible/unbelievable/fantastic".
5. Very - Same as above, it either is or it isn't. It is okay to say "Very much so" if you agree with someone as this adds emphasis to what they have said which helps to gain empathy.
6. Just - This word can be used as an adjective or adverb. Compare these two sentences - 'Just don't use it to add emphasis to a point!' or 'Don't use it to add emphasis to a point!'  The same message, one word less.
7. Stuff - Say what you mean; objects, junk, articles, goods, etc.  Use a noun, call it for what it is. 
8. Wait a minute - Or sometimes we say "Just wait a minute". If you must interrupt someone say "I have an important question", or "An alternative you may wish to consider which could help....", then make your statement. Remember to then wait until they have finished what they are saying, if you try and interrupt a second time it will cause conflict.
9. No - Always use two or three words rather than a single word for the angry people; "I am unable to... because....", "I will try however....", "It may not be possible because....", "I am restricted from doing this because...." Always explain why - I like to say, the reason for the reason.
10. Like - If this word is used as a filler, just don't say anything. If you are using it for comparison purposes, say "It is similar/comparable/equal to..." If you like something, then use a verb - fond/enjoy/admire.

Please remember that these 10 words are to be avoided only for those people who are in an emotional state. You will find that I use most of them in my postings, hopefully you aren't angry at the time you read them.

10 Words To Avoid

Let's look at a few words that would be helpful to avoid during emotional conversations;

1. I understand - Try not to use this word with people who are in an emotional state. When you say "I understand" to someone, what they are hearing is "I know how you feel". You sound superior and make the other person feel inferior.
2. A good question - Of course it is a good question, that's why I asked it. You may think that you are establishing a rapport but we all know that you are trying to make up for something bad you just said earlier or you are stalling for time .
3. Actually - This is another word that implies superiority, particularly so if you use it to start your sentence. "Actually that's not the case".
4. Really - It's a wasted word. Either something is large or it is huge, it's not really large. If you use 'really' by itself as an expressive word, it says that you don't believe the person.
5. Very - Same as above, it either is or it isn't.
6. Just - It's a filler word and if used wrongly will cause anger. 'Just take your time' or 'take your time'. Which sentence do you prefer? 
7. Stuff - I use it all the time when I can't think of the correct adjective. Worse still I make a joke about it by writing it like this, 'stuff'. I know what I mean, others don't.
8. Wait a minute - If you use these words together to interrupt someone you have just destroyed any rapport. Next time you want to say this take your own advice and 'you wait a minute', wait until they have finished.
9. No - Adding the word no just infuriates people more. "No I can't" as opposed to "I can't", which sounds better? By the way, if you can't do something say you can't and then explain why.
10. Like - These days it is used instead of ums & ahs. "And then like....", it is a word used out of habit so it can be avoided.

Let's Talk For A Minute

With the advent of e-devices we have lost the art of human-to-human conversation. And it is hurting us. Communicating in person has many benefits which we miss out on when we send an electronic message.

Communicating in the presence of others goes back to our early days when all we had was each other. In fact, most things in life involving our well-being go back to these times. We would meet and talk about the problems of the day, share stories about how we killed a sabre-toothed tiger, how we hadn't washed for two months and it felt good, what your best friend is doing, how to keep safe when going for water, that sort of thing.

During these early communications, we were not just sharing stories, we were socialising. We were learning about life, learning about social skills, learning how to interact with others, telling others how we felt.  Importantly, socialisation involved emotions.

There is no emotional connection when we converse electronically. We don't learn about manners - your turn, my turn - when we use emails. We can't convey our true feelings in a text message, if we do we exaggerate it. We can't read body language in an instant message. We may say something hurtful on FaceBook. In short, we say in an e-message what we wouldn’t say in person.

Don’t get me wrong, I love communicating on e-devices. If you were to ask me what I thought was bad about e-devices, we don't talk enough to others in person. I say this as I send out an e-message on LinkedIn. That's okay, I have three meetings later today where I will be talking to people in person, actual people. Scary hah!

I will get my 'people' fix today, will you?