Did Men Always Hide Their Emotions?
Out of pure selfishness, I am intrigued by the term 'masculinity' and how it doesn't seem to fit with who we truly are as people.
For the last 30+ years I’ve been working in wellbeing. It started with my own journey of depression which led me to a period of dark thoughts and ideations.
Why was I broken, why was I so weak, why do I feel pain in my heart, why do I often feel the need to cry, why can't I be more masculine.
In a recent keynote I asked the audience, 95% male, have you ever felt the need to cry but held it back? And it hurt. Deeply.
Immediately their faces changed, with a few tearing up. It had struck a nerve, or rather, it hit them in their heart.
We’ve been told for generations that real men put on a brave face, that we should suck it up, or worse still, to man up!
But here’s the truth: that idea is modern, not ancient.
The word masculinity didn’t even exist until the 16th century, while its modern meaning only took shape in the 18th.
For most of human history, survival depended on cooperation and care, not stoic isolation.
Hunter-gatherers thrived on empathy and sharing – anthropologists show that early humans lived in egalitarian bands where emotional attunement mattered for group harmony.
Evolution favoured cooperation – Sarah Hrdy’s (correct spelling) research on cooperative breeding and Kristen Hawkes’ grandmother hypothesis reveal that raising children required emotional responsiveness from everyone.
Medieval men cried, publicly – tears were seen as virtuous and sincere, not weak.
Even Norse sagas (prose) – famous for their stoicism, include grief and tears expressed through poetic codes.
The stiff upper lip – that is a Victorian invention, not a timeless truth.
Across cultures, emotional expression is shaped by social rules, not by biology.
Courage and care have always coexisted.
Could it actually be that the bravest face is the one willing to feel and openly show their emotions?
Or is this is asking too much given how far we have come down the ‘real men don’t cry’ path.
The overwhelming majority of men I have encountered who struggled with their lives is directly due to their inability to openly express emotions. To share how they truly feel.
I pose a question, for everyone, when you hold back your true feelings does it hurt inside?
Let’s talk!