Why Am I So Stupid?
It’s a question many of us ask ourselves.
In my workshops, I talk about how we speak to ourselves more than we speak to anyone else. And yet, the voice inside is often our harshest critic.
We beat ourselves up over mistakes. We worry endlessly. We feel like an imposter, even when we’re doing well.
We put ourselves under pressure that no one else would dare to apply.
Yet here’s the truth - this inner critic is designed to protect us. Our brains are hardwired to survive, not for happiness.
At the core of this wiring is the brain stem, the oldest part of the brain. Its job is simple, to keep us alive.
It scans for danger, reacts instantly, and doesn’t care about nuance. It’s where the fight, flight, or freeze response lives. And it’s always switched on.
When we experience stress, the brain stem kicks in before our rational brain (the prefrontal cortex) even has a chance to weigh in. That’s why we spiral into negative thoughts so quickly; it is a reaction, not an action.
Neuroscience shows that negative thinking is sticky. It activates the amygdala, floods us with cortisol, and shuts down the parts of the brain responsible for logic, empathy, and creativity. It’s a loop that’s hard to break because it’s designed to be hard to break.
Worse still, our brains have a negativity bias – we remember criticism more than praise, fear more than joy. This bias was useful when danger lurked around every corner. But today, it means we’re constantly fighting ourselves.
So, how do we stop this cycle?
We don’t fight it, we retrain it:
🧠 Mindfulness can help us notice the spiral before it takes over.
💬 Self-compassion calms the brain stem and activates the soothing system.
🧩 Cognitive reframing rewires the neural pathways, replacing fear with fact.
You’re not stupid.
You’re not broken.
You’re human, with a brain that’s doing its best to keep you safe.
Start communicating with yourself like you matter, because you do.
Let’s talk!
Use Your Values.
Working in local councils across Aotearoa is challenging; they are facing relentless pressure.
Pressure from the public, pressure from central government, pressure from the weight of expectations that often feel impossible to meet.
But amid this storm, there is something that can hold them steady.
In fact, it can hold us all steady when tough times hit – our values.
Neuroscience shows that when we act in alignment with our core values, we activate the prefrontal cortex.
The PFC is responsible for clear thinking and emotional regulation, which helps override the fear and reactivity driven by the amygdala.
Values help us cope and give us purpose. Purpose activates the brain’s reward system, increasing motivation and buffering against stress and burnout.
This is why reconnecting with our why, our purpose, can reignite our energy.
Even when the challenges feel overwhelming.
Values also help us reframe hardship.
A setback can become a chance to learn.
A criticism can become a call to listen.
A fright can become a reality check.
This kind of cognitive reappraisal rewires the brain for resilience.
More importantly, our values connect us.
Acting with kindness, loyalty, and fairness releases oxytocin, strengthening our relationships with colleagues and communities.
These connections are lifelines.
In times of crisis, values remind us of who we are. They anchor to our identity and for protection of our mental wellbeing.
Take a moment to consider:
- What value keeps you grounded when the pressure mounts?
- How have your values guided you through a recent challenge?
- How can we help each other reconnect with our values in this demanding environment?
Because when we lead with our values, we don’t just endure, we thrive.
Let’s talk!
Working From Home!
Who would have thought that working from home could quietly reshape our brain?
Whilst some people choose to work from home, others have no option due to location or mobility challenges.
If you once worked in the office and now work mainly from home, it is important to remain connected to the office.
When we’re disconnected from others, our brain can feel unsafe:
🧠 The amygdala, our brain’s fear centre, becomes hyperactive when we feel disconnected.
🧠 The prefrontal cortex, which helps us think clearly and regulate emotions, slows down under chronic stress.
🧠 Our social brain networks that are built for empathy, trust, and collaboration, begin to fade without face-to-face interaction.
We lose motivation. We lose each other - we are not meant to do life alone.
Here are a few simple, science-backed ways to protect your brain and your heart:
✅ Start your day with a ‘commute’ to work – go for a short walk to reset your mind before starting work.
✅ Schedule a daily check-in with a colleague or friend - just to talk like we do during our breaks.
✅ Celebrate small wins – this boosts motivation and purpose.
✅ Take 60-second breathing/stretching breaks to calm your nervous system.
✅ Move your body – stand at your workspace and take walking phone calls.
Your brain will thank you, so will your heart.
Let’s talk!
Trauma!
Trauma lingers in the body, the brain, and in the quiet moments when everything can feel so loud.
Demons come in the dark because there is no noise to keep them at bay.
As a former police officer, I have felt the impact firsthand.
One of the hardest moments of my career was responding to the sudden, unexpected death of an infant (SUDI).
It’s something I’ll never forget. And something that shaped the way I now help others.
Many of us carry experiences we didn’t choose. Events that shook us.
But neuroscience offers hope and shows us that healing is possible.
Here are a few science-backed actions that can help reduce the emotional toll of past trauma:
🧠 Name it to tame it - Labelling emotions activates the prefrontal cortex, helping regulate the amygdala’s fear response. Simply saying “I feel overwhelmed” can begin to calm the brain.
🫁 Breathe intentionally - Slow, deep breathing, especially exhaling for longer than you inhale, engages the parasympathetic nervous system, reducing stress and anxiety.
🚶♂️ Move your body - Physical activity helps remove stress hormones and stimulates brain regions involved in mood regulation. Even a short walk can make a significant difference.
🗣️ Talk it through - Sharing your story with someone safe rewires neural pathways. It helps shift traumatic memories from emotional centres to logical ones, reducing their grip.
🧘♀️ Practice mindfulness - Mindfulness strengthens the brain’s ability to stay present, reducing rumination and emotional reactivity.
💬 Seek support - You don’t have to do it alone. Whether through peer support, therapy, or workshops. Connection is key.
If you’re carrying something heavy, know this: there is a way forward. And it starts with one small step.
Breathe long and slow, then move, and always seek support.
Let’s talk!
The Power Of Forgiveness
We often think of forgiveness as something we offer to others - and yes, letting go of resentment can be liberating.
But during my Diploma in Positive Psychology & Wellbeing, I came to understand the power of self-forgiveness.
We carry so much with us – regret, guilt, shame, and we replay moments we wish we could change.
But here's the truth: you can’t be at your best while holding yourself hostage to the past.
Recently, I was berated by a former colleague, under the guise of a ‘robust discussion’, for something I had said in the media.
His words cut deep, it was a personal attack. And while I could see that he was hurting (and as we know, hurting people hurt people), it didn’t make the experience any less painful.
It took me a while to process what had happened - weeks, in fact. Weeks of berating myself.
But in that reflection, I came back to this: forgiveness is not about excusing behaviour; it is freeing ourselves from the weight of it.
I chose to forgive him. Not because what he said was okay, but because I didn’t want to carry his pain as my own.
And then came the harder part: forgiving myself. For doubting my worth. For replaying the moment over and over. For letting someone else’s words shake my confidence.
Self-forgiveness is often the most difficult kind. But it’s also the most powerful. It’s how we reclaim our peace.
So, I ask you:
• Who are you still holding in your heart with resentment?
• What part of yourself are you still punishing?
• What would it feel like to let go?
It is what it is because it was what it was; it is what you do now that matters. A simple reminder I have tattooed on my chest, I should read it more often.
Through this exercise for my diploma and in my work with those who face their own daily challenges, I’ve seen how forgiveness has a massive influence on our wellbeing.
In my own life, it has helped me move forward with compassion, for others and for myself.
Let’s talk!