Why is emotional intelligence and empathy critical in a world of increased anger and violence?
Simply, to reduce the amount of anger and aggression that is currently getting out of control and causing harm.
Most of us have heard of emotional intelligence, otherwise known as EQ. EQ is not about understanding the emotions of the other person, it is about understanding you!
The definition of emotional intelligence is the ability to be aware of, to control, and to express our own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress.
The second part of the definition of emotional intelligence is to manage interpersonal relationships with empathy.
Often, disgruntled customers are unaware of how to express their own emotions in positive ways, hence the current increase in anger and aggression, we get triggered and react too fast.
It is not that the customer doesn’t understand emotional intelligence, they just lack the ability to engage EQ because they have been triggered.
Hurting people, hurt people. They are venting.
It was once said that empathy is seeing it from someone else’s position or standing in their shoes. This is unhelpful as each of us reacts differently in the same situation.
If we are dealing with someone who is venting, empathy is used by acknowledging what they have said OR the situation they find themselves in.
It is also known as validation -
'I see your point.'
'I hear what you are saying.'
'I get what you are saying.'
Or, my preferred phrase, 'Let’s see what’s happened.'
What about if we are the customer who is caught in the trap of venting first and thinking later?
There are five steps to manage our emotions in a positive way when we are triggered that we can also learn from:
1. Being self-aware of our triggers – we feel the anger rise.
2. Calm ourselves immediately – breathe out slowly.
3. Focus on seeking a solution – it is not always what the person in front of us has done, it is more often the situation that caused our trigger.
4. Using positive language – focus on how the situation can be fixed rather than reacting to our feelings.
5. Expressing gratitude – a simple yet genuine ‘thank you’ and an apology if we inadvertently said something unprofessional.
If we want to gain control over this current escalation in anger, aggression and violence, we all must play our part.
Let’s talk!
Will I Ever Be Normal Again?
Will I ever be 'normal' again? Will I be free to work as hard as I used to without fear of going 'mad'? Will I always be worried about what others think and say about me? Will I ever be totally ‘free’?
The answer is, as it is with most things, yes and. Or as we say in New Zealand - "Yeah nah!"
I learned a lot when I went through my event.
I learned that I should never have worked 12-hour days continuously for years on end.
I learned that the mind is just as fragile as the body and if you mistreat it your brain will break just like the body.
I learned that I am not indestructible after all.
Going through my recovery was one of true discovery. Everything went from dark to light, opaque to clear, hazy to bright, cloudy to sunny. It didn’t happen overnight, it took a few years, three to five as they say.
I discovered that the brain is more important than the body. That it never rests, that it makes stuff up, that it exaggerates the negative, that it will get away on me if I let it, and that it is me who ultimately has control of my brain.
I also discovered that I must take care of my brain:
I must rest it when it is tired.
I must exercise it when it has been dormant.
I can work as hard as I want provided I don’t do so for years on end.
I must stop (over) reacting to my negative thoughts.
I must trust my gut instinct more.
I find now that I am more emotional than I ever was. I am more connected with those around me, that I am more caring about what others think and say, that I should try and help others as much as I can, that how I behave impacts on others without me ever knowing it both positively and negatively. I am more sensitive than I would ever have thought a person should or could be, and that’s a good thing.
Mostly what I learned is that I have been to a place that many of us have been to and recovered from, that I am not alone, that what I went through is normal if you don’t look after yourself, that I should have listened to those around me who had ‘been there and done that’, that I am human after all.
I wouldn’t want to change any of the effects for anything, I am living life to the fullest.
Let's talk!
How can I get through such tough times when there seems to be no hope?
My book, Behind The Tape, is more than just a collection of my stories from my time in the NZ police — it's a testament to the resilience, courage, and humanity that defines us all.
At the time of writing, I thought it was to be a book about me and my struggles. I wrote the book for selfish reasons, to show others what I had been through.
As a police officer and crisis negotiator, I faced some of the most intense and challenging situations imaginable.
Each story in the book represents a moment where lives hung in the balance, where every word and action could mean the difference between hope and despair.
These experiences taught me invaluable lessons about empathy, communication, and the power of human connection.
The stories were not just about me, but about the people I was talking with.
They are the ones who held their life in their own hands, they are the ones who had the courage to talk with me, they are the ones who eventually stepped back from danger.
One story that stands out is the time I spent hours talking to a distraught young man on the brink of ending their life. In that moment, I realised the true impact we can have on each other.
Crisis negotiation isn't just about saving a life; it is about understanding, listening, and being there in the moment when it matters most to that person.
Writing Behind The Tape was not only to share my story with others, it allowed me to process these experiences and share them with the world. It's a reminder that even in our darkest moments - there is always light, and there is always hope.
We all have the strength to overcome adversity, and sometimes all it takes is someone to listen to us, someone to believe in us. Someone to ask; “How's it going?” or "What's up?"
To everyone who has read the book and shared their own stories of resilience, thank you. Your support means the world to me.
Let’s talk!
Feedback On Our De-escalation Programme
Frontline council workers often face some of the toughest and most unpredictable interactions in their roles. Navigating tense situations with professionalism, calmness, and confidence is crucial.
This feedback comes from someone on the front line, managing a potentially volatile encounter with skill and composure after completing a recent training session. Thank you for sharing 🙏
"I had a potentially difficult customer. As I was at his vehicle he approached in a defensive manner. I did not react. I greeted him and explained why I was at his vehicle.
Within a minute there were 6 people present - I was unaware I was outside a support hub for persons of difficult backgrounds.
These additional persons claimed to be support people. I advised them that was fine to observe but I did not require their interaction as I am talking with the driver who is fully responsible for the vehicle and the issues I raised.
In the background were an additional 2 males, one was firing insults towards me. I did not react/did not even look his way.
As I discussed with the driver the issues his attitude changed to more reasonable as I focused completely on him and lowered my volume. He responded in kind and 4 of the support persons dispersed as they realised I was not engaging with their interruptions.
The remaining 2 support persons then departed indoors.
As I continued the conversation with the driver, he became less agitated and started to offer explanations as to why his situation was as it was. In the end, he walked away with a warning and with caution that in future he will receive live infringements. He agreed and said thank you.
I believe the skills I have gained went all the way to change this situation from potentially flammable to an agreement with a driver that he is responsible and will look into sorting out his non-compliant vehicle.
I just took the situation as it occurred, remained calm and responded directly with thought as to what I say and how it may sound.
I am silently proud of the outcome as it could have taken a very different direction if I had tensed up due to the outnumbering of persons and the criticism from a third party. The situation could easily have felt overwhelming.
I feel confident going forward that I can handle any interaction and avoid conflict/confrontation. I am in control of my responses and the timing I choose, I set the pace of the interaction without pressure or trying to assess how it will unfold.
Very happy with my learnings Lance and the tools you have provided that I now have in my personal toolbox. I can go forward with confidence that I can handle awkward and difficult situations just by being calm and putting awareness in place that I can handle the public in a positive manner at all times.
I am determined to enhance these learnings and look forward to developing a stoic mindset that serves me and my public role."
Use Your Challenges To Grow
We achieve things in life despite the challenges we face earlier in life for it is those challenges that have brought us to where we are today.
No amount of academic study can replace what experiences offer us —because experience creates an emotional connection.
When looking at your past, don't let it inhibit your future - let it shape your future.
Every challenge I’ve faced has at the very least, taught me something valuable:
💡 Growing up with little money gave me the drive to move forward.
💡 Learning how to learn gave me the tools to gain numerous academic qualifications
💡 Humour comes seemingly naturally during presentations, making them relatable.
💡 The published author of two bestselling books on wellbeing with a third recently released.
💡 A personal insight into what it feels like to be at rock bottom.
💡 Ongoing checks and surgeries to maintain good health.
💡 A business I started at 57, still thriving 10 years later—with my entire family working alongside me.
💡 Successfully using the many traits that ADHD offers including OCD to minimise risk and hyper-focus to drive business growth.
We are where we are now because of what we went through before. Focusing on the positives of the challenges reveals what opportunities the negatives provided you with. Experiences!
Take the time to reflect on your life and see the challenges that shaped you.
I am here because of
I had … on my side
I had support around me from…
I have had challenges that made me who I am because of…
I….
Use your challenges to challenge yourself. Things never happen for a reason. Things just happen, it is what you do with what happened that is more important.
Let's talk!