Three Simple Techniques To Stop Negative Thinking.

Each of us is different, that's what makes the world a fun place. While for the most part our brains are all the same, ask any neuroscientist, the way we process information is slightly different. This is why you will often hear people say "It depends where you fall on the continuum".

Some of us will be more positive than others, some less so.

One thing we know for sure is that each of us worries, each of us catastrophises, each of us talks negatively to ourselves, and each of us over-thinks. It's just the degree to which we do these things that differs for each of us.

Because we have a negative bias, worry is something that we are all programmed to do to keep us safe from harm. As you may know, 50% of worry is hereditary, you can't change it. Fortunately, the other 50% of worry is nothing more than a bad habit, which of course you can change.

When we worry, catastrophise, talk negatively to ourselves, or over-think things, adrenaline and cortisol is released into our bloodstream. It's all part of the fight-or-flight response and is bad for you, unless of course you are getting attacked.

There are many techniques to reduce worry, meditation is probably the best, as is practicing mindfulness. If you have the time to do it that is. I know, exponents of meditation will say that you should make time, and they are absolutely correct. Some of us on the other hand have very busy lives, others of us just can't see ourselves 'meditating'.

For those of us who don't have the time to meditate, or can't picture ourselves doing this, or who might dismiss meditation as nonsense (shame on you), here are some other things that you can do to reduce worry by half;

1. Replace worry with a happy thought - if you have a strong happy memory, usually this will be of a holiday, stop for a second and think about that memory.
2. Mindfulness - bringing yourself back to the present. Some will say that you should focus in great detail on a tree, a bird, the bubbles in a glass of water, or something that you can see in the present. For me, it's reading something on your desk, a few words is enough. The bonus of reading is that we do so from the left side of our brain, the calm side where your logic sits.
3. A practical action combined with a thought - because our fight-or-flight response has a physiological and psychological component, the fastest way to control it is by countering with a physical and psychological action such as; blink your eyes and say 'no' or 'stop' inside your head (to yourself, not out aloud), slap your leg and say to yourself "come on", "let's go", or "move on". The best method is the tried and true - flick a rubber band on your wrist, the psychological part of this action is the pain.

All of these suggestions are about distracting us from our negative thinking, breaking patterns of behaviour.

It takes 60 to 80 days to change a habit, not 21 days. At 21 days your brain will tell you that you got this and encourage you to stop. It's lying, ignore it and keep going.

If you persevere, you will prevail. Perseverance is the key, as is talking to others about our worries.

Let's talk!

It's Just A Thought!

"Who do you talk to the most across your day?" I pose this question during my communication and resiliency coaching sessions. There are varying replies - my partner, our customers, my friend - only a few come up with the correct answer.

You talk more to yourself than every other person combined.

Talking to yourself can be expressed as; a thought, an idea, rationalising a situation, a voice inside our head, and many other descriptions. They all have the same meaning, it is best described I think as self-talk. You are doing it right now as you read this post - some of you will be agreeing and may even be nodding your head as you read, others will be disagreeing and may stop reading now because you don't like what I am saying.

When you 'think' about something, you are too a large extent, talking to yourself.

Hence, it is very important to firstly be aware of your thoughts. You may have heard the saying, "You are what you think you are", or "You can do anything you put your mind to", or maybe "If you think you can or you think you can't you are right".

The mind is a powerful tool, you can use it to achieve wonderful things - overcome fears, control pain, change unwanted habits, reach goals, and even to dive down into depression. I bet you didn't see that coming, now what are you thinking right now? How's the self-talk?

When we let our thoughts get away on us, it will often focus on the negative. Your brain has a negative bias which means that you focus for a lot of your day on what could go wrong rather than what went right. Your brain is wired to look after you by searching for danger and to admonish you when you do something wrong.

As you search for danger, you talk to yourself. When you do something wrong, you may later be filled with guilt and regret. That's your negative bias at work.

We have over 70,000 thoughts each day, isn't that crazy? That's why it is important to be aware of your thoughts and to stop them when they go down the negative stream. Why, because your brain also is wired to exaggerate the negative, to catastrophise. It is also designed to over-think, to predict, to self-blame, there's apparently 50 of them.

Think back to the last time you worried about something, the longer you pondered over it, the worse it seemed. And did what you were worried about eventuate, no. If it did, it was never as bad as you thought. Am I right? It's not magic, it's human behaviour.

It's more than just a thought, self-talk can change your life, for better or for worse.

Next week I will give you some simple tips on how to identify your thoughts, how to stop over-thinking, how to stop worrying, how to change your habit, and how to use your thoughts in a positive way.

Let's talk!

Stop Comparing Across The Generations Because We Are Different, Or Are We?

It seems to me that we spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others as a way of defining how well we are doing or how different we are. Comparisons like this cause us stress, angst and unnecessary concerns.

In my work, I am interested in the way generations interact, particularly the Baby Boomers (BBs) and Millennials (Ms).

As a general guide - BBs were born from 1946 to 1964, Ms were born from 1980 to 2000. These dates aren't fixed in time and there will also be variations to these dates depending upon what website you go to. (Just to clarify, Ms are part of Gen-Ys who were born from mid 1970s to 1995, today they are lumped under the same banner).

BBs are sometimes labelled as self-centred - they received a free education, have a lack of community awareness, don't care about the environment, couldn't care less about others, hold grudges for years, and are bullies.

Ms are said to be narcissistic, entitled, uncommunicative, consumerist, privileged, community oriented and environmentally aware.

I have difficulty with these statements, not because they are incorrect or a generalisation, because both generations are the same to a large extent. More importantly, Ms are the children of BBs.

Let's look at the comparisons and why they might actually be the same;

• BBs are self-centred, but isn't that also what a narcissism is? Moreover, BBs want the very best for their family which makes them seem self-centred. MMs simply take a wider view of what the word 'family' means, they include the community as part of their family.
• While BBs did receive free education, who funds Ms education? Often the parents do in one way or another, either directly or through taxes.
• BBs do care about the environment, it is this very generation who run (and fund) major organisations involved in environmental issues. Ms certainly have a better understanding of the environment because they were taught it in schools, by BBs.
• BBs care about their families and work hard to maintain a lifestyle that they never had themselves. Incidentally, BBs created consumerists in Ms by giving them as much as they could.
• Ms aren't as communicative with BBs as with their own generation, but weren't BBs the same? Yes, BBs did talk to their parents more than Ms talk to their parents, but BBs were never honest with their parents and only talked to get them off their backs. Plus, BBs didn't have the technology to talk with others as Ms now do.
• BBs often say that they started with nothing, "I lived on a mattress in an empty rented house and worked my way up to what I have now over 30 years". True, but BBs parents didn't have that, most of them lived in homes supplied by their employer or the state. And you didn't hear BBs parents saying that BBs expectations were too high, did you?

I could go on but I am sure you get the picture. For me, misunderstandings arise across generations when one generation compares themselves to the other. Things are not as they once were and things will always be different moving forward. But for the most part we are all the same.

BBs, stop comparing your generation to Ms because things will always seem different when comparing the past to the present.

Today, the way we talk is different, the method in which we communicate with others is different and the way we live is different. The way BBs spoke to each other is no longer appropriate, we can now communicate across the world in an instant in many different ways, and we now have the ability to live better than we once did.

MMs, you need to talk more with your parents. Sending electronic messages is not talking nor is using two or three word sentences. No-one can read minds.

Let's talk!

So What Are You Waiting For?

Have you found yourself making excuses as to why you shouldn't start your own business. Often, we tell ourselves, if only this was happening right now, if only I had the right skills, if only I didn't have a mortgage, if only I had more money behind me, if only....

We might sometimes look at a successful person and say to ourselves, "I bet they had money when they started out, I bet they didn't have the same worries as me, I bet they were in the right place at the right time. I bet that they were lucky.

Secretly we might be saying to ourselves "I wish I was like them but I could never be!"

You could be like them if you wanted to, seriously. I have read many examples of people just like you and I who started with nothing and now are where they want to be. They had the same negative thoughts as us, the same self-doubt, the same procrastination. But they did it regardless.

Want to know their single secret to success, passion.

They found something that were passionate about and that drove them to succeed. Passion will generate determination and overcome obstacles. Passion will overcome self-doubt. Passion will overcome procrastination.

However, passion may not always overcome negative thinking, and that's a good thing. Negative thinking can work in our favour if we use it wisely to foresee danger or obstacles. Negative thinking in a business sense allows us to manage risk, to find solutions before they arise.

If you have been thinking about starting your own business but have been waiting for the right time, here's a couple of tips;

1. Find something that you are passionate about that is unique - it need not be new, just 'different'.
2. Have a plan - not too technical, cover off the 'what and how'.
3. Forget the 40-hour week - there is no such thing as standard hours in your own business.
4. Make lists - have a spreadsheet of contacts, a list of tasks, a set of goals. These lists remain alive, they change as you move forward.
5. Get familiar with being uncomfortable - always say yes, never say no, work on the edge, push yourself to the extremes, go beyond your previous limits.

Don't wait for the right time, because that never arrives. The right time is now, what are you waiting for?

I'm Sorry!

I'm sorry for the hurt that I have caused, I'm sorry for the bad things I've done, I'm sorry for the pain, the grief, the distrust, and all of the other things that I was responsible for that were wrong.

Without question, all of us have done something that we later regret. A bad word, a hurtful comment, spreading rumours, continuing a stream of gossip, maybe something said in the heat of the moment. Aren't we all guilty of an event that we regret at some point in our lives and now we feel guilty about?

Our 'go to' word when we want to make amends is always sorry.

And for the most part, is is a word we say because we mean it. If we could take back all of the hurt, grief, distrust, and other negative effects that we caused by our actions, we would. But we can't, it's done, there's nothing more that we can do except use a simple word, sorry.

Or is there? What if we could do more than just utter a single word, what if we could use two or three words, maybe even a sentence to show how sorry we are. What if we added the words 'so' and 'causing' and 'I'm' and perhaps those other words to describe what we caused by our ill-considered actions. What if we said "I'm so sorry for all of the pain and hurt I caused you", and added another sentence to show that we really meant it?

In the end, they are all just words, simple words.

And for some of us, words will never be able to make amends for what we have done. Maybe we need to take action, maybe we need to show the ones who we hurt that we really are genuine with the words we now use to apologise and we showed how sorry we were by changing our behaviour. Wouldn't that be something?

There are some things that we would love to say sorry for and to take back or rectify what did or said, but we can't for whatever reason. What then? Well, how about working hard so that others don't make the same mistakes as you by showing them your mistakes? Is that not another way of saying sorry?

Can't do that, then why not do as much good as you can in the world to balance the scales back the other way?

There is always more that we can do than simply saying that we are sorry. Find your way of doing something positive to balance the scales. It will help make amends and possibly avoid the self-loathing trap that guilt and regret brings to us every day for what we did.

Remember that you are only human, you have many flaws, we all do. It's how we deal with those flaws that also makes us human, because we care. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, be as kind as you can, just be kind.

If none of this resonates or works for you then go back to the top of this post, say sorry. It's a start.

Let's talk!