Leave Me Alone, I Am Happy!

Have you heard these words before, probably from your teenager? Facial expressions have disappeared these days, due in most part to the lack of face-to-face social interaction across all generations. As a result, we do not know if our teenagers are happy.

Before social media arrived, we communicated for the most part, face-to-face. Sure, we had telephones as well to talk with each other, but the majority of our conversations were held in person. While chatting, we watched each others facial expressions and body language and unconsciously mirrored each other throughout the encounter.

These days we don't interact with each other as much as we once did therefore the younger generations are losing the skills that the older generations grew up with, how to interact using facial expressions and body language.

Younger generations do become animated when they are with their friends, not so much when they interact with others outside of their close circle of friends or with older generations.

The smile has now gone from the faces of our children!

Us 'older people' learned the art of smiling and the many benefits that a smile brings to ourselves and to others. This is not the case for the younger ones, (I'm sounding ancient now aren't I?). They do not display expressions of happiness as much as we do. They might be happy, they just don't show it outwardly.

Not only is it hard to tell if our teenage children are happy, they are missing out on the personal benefits a smile brings which may add to their feelings of despondency. When we genuinely smile, we engage unique muscles in the face that tell our brain that we are happy, regardless of whether we are or not.

A genuine smile works in reverse, smile with a broad smile and your brain will 'think' that you are happy.

And as parents, we see our child not smiling and ask with all sincerity "Is everything okay?" "Yes" comes back the retort. "But you're not smiling" we say. "I don't have to smile to be happy" they immediately come back with. And that's the dilemma we are faced with. Our teenage children do have to smile to not only tell us that they are happy but to also get the internal benefits a smile brings.

In my work, I have met young people who actually believe that they are smiling despite the fact that they aren't. And if they work in the customer service industry, not smiling has a negative impact on those they assist.

Try to get angry with someone who is smiling at you as you walk up to a service counter, it's damn hard.

Encourage your teenagers to smile if you can, but don't pester them about it, you will only drive them away from smiling altogether. They won't smile just to bug you. And most importantly, talk with them as much as they will allow you to.

Lastly, don't judge them, try to fix them, or attempt to change them too much. We live under a different set of rules these days, our values are not their values because our values may no longer be relevant. Just talk about 'stuff'.

Let's talk!

EVOLVE Wellness - An Exciting New Venture

I am very proud and privileged to announce an additional venture for WARN International Ltd, we are partnering with Lee-Anne Wann - Lee-Anne Wann - and Paul Walsh - Group Q Security to bring an innovative, informative and enjoyable program to organisations.

EVOLVE Wellness provides you with the important skills necessary to face life’s challenges. Learning how to reduce stress, energise the body, and keeping yourself free of danger are the three essential skills necessary to live a fruitful life in today’s hectic world.

This fun packed, fast paced presentation will keep you on the edge of your seat as we take you on an evolutionary journey with three of New Zealand’s leading experts in their respective fields who have themselves faced many adversities.

Real stories from real people who have real solutions. 

Fuel for the body, an acute awareness of surroundings, and self-control of the mind – these are the key messages of our holistic programme.

EVOLVE Wellness brings together;

LEE-ANNE WANN

Refreshingly different, Lee-Anne Wann is New Zealand’s most trusted health, fitness & nutrition expert.

She runs a health and fitness consultancy company, providing organisations with health and fitness solutions. She also runs a private nutrition practice where she works with many athletes, celebrities, individuals and corporates helping them achieve optimal health, wellness and vitality. Lee-Anne is:

• The New Zealand Vodafone Warriors National Rugby league team nutritionist, looking after over 100 athletes
• A regular columnist for many publications, including the New Zealand Herald
• Proud to be an Ambassador for Men’s Health Trust New Zealand and September supporting the New Zealand Cerebral Palsy Society.

As well as a television host, celebrity trainer and author of three health and fitness books, Lee-Anne is a regular speaker at corporate conferences, company workshops and executive retreats.

Lee-Anne has extensive accreditations in health and fitness. She is constantly updating and refreshing her knowledge to ensure she is up-to-date with the latest ideas and scientific research. Her approach recognises that our lives are complicated and busy.

Lee-Anne is upfront, honest and a straight talker, with a fun-loving, inspirational approach. She inspires people to believe in themselves by focussing on changes that truly make a difference.

PAUL WALSH - QSM

Paul Walsh QSM has a fascinating story to tell. From the elite special tactics group to international security consultancy, he has worked in critical situations all over the world. He has been involved in many high-risk operations – some of them still classified.

• He was part of the team that rescued baby Kahu.
• He helped guard Israeli Olympic athletes as part of a counter-terrorism project.
• He has served alongside the US Secret Service.

From a man-hunt in the Solomon Islands to a helicopter crash in Afghanistan, life has never been dull. One-day safeguarding VIPs in Kabul, 36 hours later providing close protection to Metallica in Argentina.

These experiences have given him a unique view on the value of life around the world, and the need for individuals to be able to manage risk in fast-changing situations.

Today he shares his knowledge with the private and corporate sector, to educate and empower. He teaches an understanding of how risk exists all around us – and how we can manage that risk to achieve successful outcomes.

Paul will thrill you with his life story and NZ case studies, whilst providing valuable insights on keeping safe in an unsafe world.

LANCE BURDETT

Lance was New Zealand’s top police crisis negotiator. He has worked with elite tactical teams within the military, police and corrections, he makes regular media appearances, and recently published his memoir which quickly became a bestseller – Behind The Tape.

Having trained in NZ, Australia and with the FBI, Lance acquired the essential skills to successfully engage with people at the very limit of their emotions. He specialised in suicide intervention and handled many high-risk negotiations, including the Napier Siege and the Paremoremo prison hostage situation involving George Baker.

Lance also worked at the highest level in the police 111 call centre, where his communications and resilience programme became mandatory training for all emergency call centre staff.

Lance is now consulting and coaching on reducing stress-related issues in the workplace, with a focus on communication in challenging situations. His sessions are informative and delivered with humour to ensure an entertaining presentation.

For more information, please visit our website or message us at info@evolvewellness.com.

See Things From All Sides To Overcome Biases.

Ever found yourself taking sides when you watch a news item, hear from a friend about something that happened to them, or have a bad interaction with someone? And once you have chosen a side, you stick with it no matter what? And then you tend to find that everyone else is supporting your view apart for the odd person who we dismiss as ill-informed? That's confirmation bias at work.

Maybe you can only see the negative in everything - that's negative bias. Or maybe you find yourself taking credit when things go well and looking to blame others when things go wrong - that's self-serving bias. There are many more examples.

I read recently that we have around 50 cognitive biases. Five zero!

Cognitive biases tend to interfere with our ability to rationalise situations, to weigh up the pros and cons, to come to a decision based on logical thought. Cognitive biases cause arguments, can breakup friendships, may make you feel isolated, and can actually destroy lives.

For the most part, these biases are unconscious, they occur without us thinking about them. So how do we overcome these biases, as much as we can any way?

Look at things from all sides.

Here's a recent example that may have a strong view on, an allegation that special operations forces from NZ were involved in a raid that allegedly killed innocent civilians. Perhaps when you read this last sentence your heart rate increased slightly? And you are now wondering where this article is going and if I have a view? That's your biases at work. If you were to now go and read or watch articles from both sides, it may change your view.

Another example I like to use when explaining biases is the case of a parent who confronts a teacher as to why their child isn't doing as well as expected at school. The parent rightfully wants to know how their child is doing, as does the teacher have an obligation to explain why.

Is the parent asking the question because they have compared their child to others in the class or perhaps the parent has a high expectation of their child? And what about the teacher, are they doing everything that they can for this child given that they have other children to teach? Is the teacher answering truthfully or simply wanting to pacify the parent? Add to this, both the parent and the teacher have lots of other commitments to balance in their lives, just like you and I have!

But what about the child, has the child been asked? If so, this might have changed the confrontation to being a discussion.

If we are aware of our unconscious biases, they are no longer unconscious nor are they a bias. It becomes the facts on which we can base a rational determination.

Let's talk, that's the key to unlocking most things.

The Benefit of Eye Contact, a Smile, and a Knowing Nod.

Sometimes men have difficulty in sharing how we feel with other men, and this can be harmful to our well-being if we keep something held inside for too long. Here's a technique that I used to great success when conducting suicide interventions to connect with the person.

If you know (or have a feeling that) the man you are speaking with has something to share but is reluctant to; smile slightly, look at them directly in the eye, and nod your head twice in a knowing way then look away. You can do the same if the man has told you something personal that they were holding inside.

This indicates without words “I’ve got your back”, “It’s okay if you want to say it”, or “Thanks for telling me this”.

The technique stems from one of our socialisation protocols, direct eye contact. Men do not use direct eye contact (looking directly into the eye) unless the person is special to them, or they want to fight. Mostly, men simply look at the eyebrows or base of the nose of the person they are talking with.

When speaking with a man, notice where they are looking. You may think that we are looking at your eyes, often we aren’t. Mostly, our gaze is fixed on one spot or we move our eyes in and out of the conversation. If we look at your eyes, it is actually only one eye. Women look into the both eyes during a conversation, watch as they look from eye to eye.

Men also tend to look at the mouth of the other person so that we can see and hear what the other person is saying. We are reading their facial expressions looking for signs of emotion – happy, sad, or anger.

Ladies, be careful if you use the aforementioned technique on a man. When you smile at a man, look them directly in the eyes and nod your head with a smile, we may misread the message completely.

Let's Talk!

If They Only Knew of The Pain and Guilt.

For many years, I have seen the devastating impact that a successful suicide has on family and friends. Not just from the loss of a dear loved one, but the feelings of guilt, regret, remorse, shame, and wishing that they could just tell their lost loved one how much they miss them.

The victims of a suicide are those left behind, not just the suicider. Often, family and friends will talk at the funeral of "If I had only known, I would have said something, I could have helped". And they most likely could have if they had known. They will then try to look for the signs that their loved one displayed in the days and months leading up to the event. Sometimes there are, sometimes there aren't.

On most occasions, the victims start piecing together individual signs of distress drawn from other people, and a picture begins to emerge.

When we do this, we are left feeling much worse. We may even start to self-blame, tell our self that we should have seen the signs, that we should have done more, that it is our fault for not helping. Don't do that to yourself, it's not your fault nor is it the fault of the suicider.

There are many signs that someone is unwell, the most common ones being an inability to sleep, excessive use of drugs and/or alcohol, expressing feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, an unsuccessful attempt, the list goes on.

For me, the greatest indicator that someone is unwell and may be suicidal is that they won't look at you when you talk with them.

They always look at the floor with their head down. They will mumble, there won't be that usual spark in their voice. As a crisis negotiator, with suicide intervention as a specialty, this is the most common sign I have seen in every single case. And unfortunately, there have been lots of them.

If the person you are talking with is sullen, down, and won't look at you when you talk with them, they need help. As soon as possible. Don't leave them alone, take them to a doctor, psychologist, counsellor, anyone who can help. And stay with them.

Don't try to fix them, just be there with them.

The victims of a suicide are often left questioning "Why didn't they say something to me, why didn't they ask for help?" It is because they can't ask. They often don't know what is going on as their irrational thoughts become rational, they don't want to hurt you, they don't want to trouble you, they don't want to feel like a failure.

In my humble opinion, telling people who are struggling to reach out for help is not the solution to reducing successful suicides, the solution is for us to reach out to them. They are struggling and can't, won't, or don't know how to reach out because of the turmoil going on inside their head.

If those who were considering taking their own life were to think about the devastation that their death is going cause on their family, it probably wouldn't change things. That's a rational thought remember. In fact, they will tell you that they are more likely hurting those around them by being alive, that's how irrational their thoughts are.

The challenge for all of us today is to reach out to someone who we think might be struggling - "Are you okay?" Three simple words that could save a life. Three simple words that do no harm if we may have it wrong.

Let's talk!