I Am Stupid And Will Never Amount To Anything!

I am stupid, dumb, worthless, a loser who won't amount to much in life. That's what I told myself and was also told by a teacher when I was young. I would often look at wealthy people, clever people, corporate leaders, senior executives, people who had the world in their hands and I would think to myself - "If I could just be like them".

At school, I was never shown how to learn, not even how to rote learn. (I only learned what that was when I left High School). I assume that I must have been shown something because I could read and write, pretty well in fact.

I tried to learn but no matter how hard I tried I was always near the bottom of the class. And so I became comfortable there, near the bottom. I wasn't last in the class so at least I wasn't that stupid I told myself.

I went through school fearing life - how was I going to succeed, how could I buy a house, how would I be able to live, what is going to happen to me, would I even survive.

It use to keep me awake at night, worrying that I was a failure and wondering if it was all worth it in the end.

I did okay in life as it turned out, I sat a building apprenticeship and eventually became a construction site foreman. That was great but there was still something missing. And then something happened late in my life, at 35 years of age someone showed me how to learn.

From that point I realised that I wasn't so stupid, so dumb, so worthless, or a complete loser who wouldn't amount to much in life. Studying became like a drug for me, I couldn't get enough of it. I found that I could read and digest eight to ten research papers in an hour, highlighting the important points as I read. As I laid the points out on pages I could visualise where each paragraph would fit, it was crazy and exciting.

Words would float across the pages to where they should fit.

The end result, I now have a fistful of qualifications including a couple of Diplomas and a Master of Arts Degree. And I am still studying. So what is the moral of this rant? If I can, anyone can.

Stop telling yourself that you can't do something because you can. No one is stupid, dumb, worthless, or a loser who won't amount to much in life. Each of us has something special to offer the world, we just have to find what it is and how to use it.

Dismiss the negative self-talk, the comparisons, the comfort of complacency.

I once would make excuses as to why the other person was better than me - they had money, they went to a good school, they had perfect timing, they had lots of support - excuse after excuse.

I may not be the smartest, most intelligent, wealthiest, or a senior executive, but I have done okay I reckon. What I do know is that we can all achieve great things if we put our minds to it. You just might need some help as I did so never be afraid to ask for help.

One person took the time to show me how to study, for that I am so very grateful. That was my key, learning how to learn. I encourage you to strive to find your key, it's never too late. Find it, use it, give it all that you have when using it and watch how life unlocks before you.

Finally, remember to give back and to pay it forward. Help others to succeed as you find success. The rewards become endless. Go for it, you have nothing to lose except regret.

Journals - Are They Worth The Paper That They Are Written On?

I was asked a question by a friend, "Do I use a journal". "No I don't" was my reply, but I do encourage people to write down one good thing that happens to them each day to reinforce the positives in their life.

The most helpful article that I found on this topic was written by Doctor Steven Stosny who states; Sometimes keeping a journal of your thoughts, feelings, and experiences helps, but often it makes things worse. In general it is likely to hurt if it tries to help you “know yourself” in isolation and helps if it leads to greater understanding and behavior change in your interactions with others.

So, what does that mean in reality? According to Stosny, journaling can have positive benefits on your well-being if it;

• Makes you step back and evaluate your thoughts, emotions, and behaviour.
• Brings your emotions and motivations into alignment with your deepest values.
• Converts negative energy into positive creativity and growth.
• Increases tolerance of ambiguity, ambivalence, and unpredictability, which are part of normal living.
• Helps you see other people’s perspectives alongside your own.
• Makes you feel more humane.
• Helps you take a definite course of action.

Journaling can negatively effect your well-being if it:

• Makes you live too much inside your head.
• Makes you a passive observer of your life (thinking about how you’ll record it instead of experiencing what is happening).
• Makes you self-obsessed.
• Becomes a vehicle of blame instead of solutions.
• Wallows in negative things that have happened to you.

We know that when we write something down it helps to rationalise the situation because we write from the left side of our brain, the logic side. We also know that when we write something down we lodge it into our subconscious thought.

We are all different, what works for one person may not work for another. If journaling what you want to change or to avoid works for you when bad situations occur then go for it.

For me, I prefer only to record the good things. As another friend described "The glass half full approach". For me, writing something bad down to change or to avoid it next time does not work. No two situations are ever the same so why would you want to reinforce the negative things that you are unlikely to change or avoid?

I also keep lists, lots of lists. Writing lists also helps to control my negative thoughts because I can see what must be done, I don't exaggerate the list of tasks. Lists also reassures me that I won't forget what I must do.

For me. I focus as much as I can on the positives and let the negatives wash over me. Easy to say, often much harder to do but I am learning.

I Don't Like Christmas These Days!

It must be my age, perhaps the years have wearied me, I just don't like Christmas like I use to. Christmas was once a fun time with the thought of long holidays, hot days (for those in the Southern hemisphere), decorations adorning houses both inside and out, and lots of presents to unwrap on that special day.

I still enjoy those things, just not like I once did. These days, Christmas for me is about reflecting on the past year. Looking back to see how far I have come. And I am lucky enough to say I have come a long, long way.

Sure, there have been a few things that I would rather not have said or done that I regret or dislike. And there have been a few things that other people have said or done that hurt me.

For the most part, I try as much as possible to dismiss the negatives and focus on the positives as I look back.

Christmas is also a time to look forward. Look forward to even better times, consider where I want to take my business and what I want to do with it. It’s a time to set both business and personal goals that extend me, to plan who to collaborate with so I can share my adventure. It is also time to consider how I can give back for the wonderful luck that has been bestowed upon me.

Reflecting on how far I have come is the only reason that I ever look back, other than to happy moments that make me smile when I recall them.

Most of all, Christmas for me is about being in the moment. Savouring the smiles and the laughter of a joke shared, engaging in meaningful (or not so meaningful) conversations, listening to what others have to say, asking about the other person who I am talking with, and not thinking about anything else but that very instant.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool to control your negative thoughts, and I need that at times. We all do.

I don't like Christmas these days, I love it. I love that life seems to stop for a week or so, I love that nothing else matters except being with family and friends, I love it that I am not controlled by an alarm clock, I love that I can decide what I want to do and when I want to do it. Mostly, I love that I am still here to enjoy it.

Perhaps it is an age thing, I love Christmas more than ever because I am here to be a part of it.

Terrible things have happened throughout the year, most of which is out of our control. And it is okay to reflect on those things as well. In fact, it is important that from time-to-time that we do so. That’s what makes us human, that means we are alive, and that gives us hope for the future. It also makes us who we are, social creatures.

May I encourage you to reflect on your year? Try not to dwell for too long on the bad things, try to focus instead on how far you have come despite the bad things happening. May I also encourage you to look forward to the future, on how can you make things better next year for yourself and for others.

Importantly, may I encourage you to be in the moment over this holiday period. Stop, look, listen, smell, feel, and savour the pleasurable moments that holidays bring.

You will thank yourself for it, trust me.

Calm Down or Get Out!

Ever find yourself getting angry at little things these days, possibly things that would never have angered you before? What is going on, why is this happening, and what can you do to stop it?

There are plenty of theories around why we are angrier than ever before - the fast-pace of life, frustration from an inability to keep up with advances, a sense of injustice, increased negative media coverage, heightened awareness of political issues, the list goes on.

For me, being a simple man, it's a no-brainer. We aren't talking enough.

Rather than talk about how we feel about something, we either express ourselves on social media or bottle it up inside. Eventually, just like a volcano that can't release a little bit of pressure from time-to-time, we erupt. And we can't stop the explosion of angry words despite hearing ourselves do it.

It is extremely important to talk to others about life's pressures, it relieves the pressure through socialisation.

If we don't talk, our brain stores the negative 'stuff' inside our brain (the hippocampus) and when we are faced with a similar issue that made us angry at another time, it releases this pent-up energy with a flurry of expletives that we can't control.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are about to explode with anger, there's a little trick I learned when undertaking crisis negotiating to keep myself calm;

1. Take a long, deep, quiet breath - fill your lungs fully with air.
2. Hold your breath for at least 3 seconds - this slows your heart rate.
3. Count inside your head as you hold your breath - this overcomes the psychological response of rage by directing your thoughts back to the calmer left brain.
4. Slowly release your breath - oxygen is released into your blood and pushes out the cortisol-infected blood which has been slowing your thought process.

If this technique doesn't work for you, walk away and come back later.

Venting is a good thing when we are angry as it alleviates the pressure and makes us feel calmer. Venting is bad for us when we take it out on someone else - it's not their fault and we will feel guilt and regret once we have calmed.

As we move into the busy season, let's talk more about our frustrations and emotions to let off some steam. Let's not take it out on those who just want to help.

I'm Angry, Help Me Or Else!

There is no doubt that we are unafraid to show our displeasure in these busy times. Ask anyone who works in the customer service industry and they will tell you that they have seen a recognisable upsurge in angry people. And it's across both sexes.

Frustration, confusion and fear are the main drivers of anger in the customer service industry.

Frustration at things not happening as expected or promised, products or services not meeting expectations, or from delays. Confusion arises when we are told different things by those working in the same organisation or their policies are incredibly confusing. Fear from the unknown, we like certainty in our life when it comes to products and services and if we don't know then it can cause anger.

So, who's at fault - the customer or the company? Both.

When dealing with customers, it is imperative that you explain as much as possible about the product or service that you offer. In particular, take some time to go over the negative aspects of the product or service which cause the most complaints.

As a customer, it is imperative that you ask (and listen) to have a clearer picture of what you are purchasing so that you are fully informed and that your expectations aren't set too high.

What if it all goes wrong? Don't get angry, don't get even, get an answer.

When things go wrong don't jump to conclusions, don't take immediate action, and certainly don't get angry. Anger, just like worry, is a wasted emotion. It helps no one.

Instead, take your time. Gather what information you have, put some structure around how you will communicate your concern, and only then should you make contact with the organisation.

Flying off the handle due to the amygdala hijack with only half of the information and no structure will always end badly, for you.

It's often not the fault of the customer service representative with whom you are speaking so don't take your anger out on them. That person will only become defensive and the chances of getting a successful resolution rapidly diminish.

Those in the customer service industry don't go out of their way to annoy you, to hurt you, or to not meet your expectations. Just like you, they would prefer things to go smoothly so that they can also have a stress-free life.

The next time that things don't quite go to plan, don't get angry and take it out on the customer service representative, don't threaten them, and certainly don't abuse them. It is unhelpful and unnecessary.

You get more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.