Starting Difficult Conversations at Work.

You have something that you want to say to a co-worker that might offend them, you must deliver bad news to a direct report, or perhaps you simply want to clarify a comment made by a supervisor that you took personally.

Starting difficult conversations can be hard - when is the right time, what do I say, what happens if it all goes wrong - the list goes on. The dilemma for most people is that the longer they leave the conversation, the worse they fear holding it. Conversely, if they start a conversation too soon they may not have thought it all of the way through and fear making a mistake or becoming emotional.

Previously, we would start a conversation by saying something like "Have you got a minute?" Difficult conversations seldom end within 60 seconds. Or we said "Can I interrupt you?" Too late, you already have.

Today we get straight to the point, with a tinge of politeness. "Is now a good time to talk" or "When is a good time to talk" are two sentences that work well for starting most difficult conversations at work. Why? Because you have indicated that you want to talk and you have asked the other person what time they would like to do so. Direct and polite.

When the conversation commences, again go straight to the point - 'This what happened, this was the result and this is how it impacted on me'. Or - 'This is what you are doing, this is the consequence, this is what I want you to do from now on'.

In earlier times, we Baby Boomers would use the praise (s*#t) sandwich - 'Say something nice, say something bad, say something nice'. Those days are long gone. Why, because all the receiver hears are the good things, the bad part which we should be focusing on is buried in the conversation.

Rightly or wrongly, conversations have got shorter at work therefore we need to adjust our own conversation style accordingly.

Open, honest, and direct is a reasonable guide when holding conversations at work.

Suicidal Ideations Are Scary.

This will be the last in this series of talking about suicide. I want to dispel a few myths about suicidal ideations, thoughts of killing oneself. If you are feeling this way, I implore you to seek help from an expert. Go and see your doctor, a psychologist, or a psychotherapist. Counsellors may also be able to help.

I had thoughts of killing myself when I was unwell, and it is damn scary. I was lucky, I walked straight out the door to get help and it saved my life.

I have since been researching why we have these thoughts and how to prevent them. The explanations were wide and varied, most explaining that it is a response to the current situation you find yourself in - from depression to bipolar, loss of work and/or relationship, overwhelming feelings of guilt and regret - the list goes on.

For me, I got tired of fighting the dark thoughts and my brain said "Here's a way out of the pain." It was a series of small fleeting thoughts, then I had a massive ideation. Because I was at work, because I knew I was unwell, because I had just become a crisis negotiator and realised what was going on, and because I was lucid enough to know what was happening, I avoided taking action on the thought.

The thought was so real that it seemed like a realistic option.

Research suggests that most adults have experienced at least a glimpse of thinking about killing themselves over their lifetime. Maybe so, but it doesn't help those who are having these thoughts.

It is, in my humble opinion, essentially a reaction to a terrible situation as part of the fight-or-flight response. You are not going crazy, you are simply going through a natural reaction to an intense situation. It's not the end for you, it is merely the bottom and now time for a new beginning.

The good news, it is recoverable and preventable.

If you have been reading my posts regularly, you will know the answer already. Talking. Tell someone, talk about it, seek help. It is that simple. Or maybe not so easy because often when we are unwell we don't know what is going on inside our heads. That's why it is important to seek help.

To use an analogy, if you have a serious medical condition you tell someone, talk to your friends, search the internet, and go and get help. Suicidal ideations are no different to a serious medical condition, go and get help, NOW.

You are normal, you are special, and you are worth it. Don't feel as though you have failed, there are some things that we need help with. This is one of those situations.

Let's talk.

Get Rid Of The Stigma.

Having delivered a presentation on resiliency to a police conference yesterday, speaking about how easy it can be to go into depression and have suicidal thoughts, I was asked a question - "What about the stigma if you speak up about being suicidal?"

I simply replied - "Talk about it to normalise it."

There is no doubt there remains a stigma attached to mental illness, an unfair mark of disgrace should you reveal that you are unwell. I believe the stigma is still real because we have never talked openly about mental illness, it has always been the unspoken 'disease' that we hid away.

Any one of us, given the right circumstances, is susceptible to a mental illness. Indeed, statistics indicate that 1-in-4 people have had a mental illness. I am going to go out on a limb and suggest it is probably double that. The statistics only record 'reported' illnesses, I have met many people who refused to seek professional help for whatever reason which goes unreported.

Using an analogy, if I break my arm and it is set in a cast, people will stop and ask what happened then show genuine concern and empathy for me. If I break my brain, people often aren't so empathetic and may try to avoid talking with me. Why is that?

Mostly, we fear the unknown.

Having been a police officer, isolation was what you could expect if you suggest that you are unwell in your head. Let me tell you, picking up body parts after a horrific road crash, prising a dead baby from her loving mothers arms, entering a house to locate an armed offender, and being assaulted, imprints negatively on your memory forever. And that's just one shift.

Other occupations are no different - soldiers, fire fighters, and ambulance officers to name a few - all undertake work that human brains are not programmed for. Call centre staff also have their fair share of stressful situations that few of us get to see.

In these times when suicide rates are rapidly climbing, we need to take action to reduce this preventable illness. We can't remain ignoring mental illness, doing nothing won't change the situation.

Talking about how mental illness affects and effects people is the way to overcome any stigma and will encourage those who are unwell to seek help.

Let's talk more about mental illness to educate and remove the stigma.

Run To The Fire!

On most occasions, when someone says something to us that annoys us or makes us angry, it is imperative that you do not confront that person immediately. (Refer to my previous posts). When we confront people when emotions are running high, it seldom ends well.

In challenging communications where we may be afraid to talk about a particular subject, we often tiptoe around what we should actually talk about out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

It is a very common concern, particularly in emotional conversations such as when talking with people who may be under stress, depressed, or suicidal. Most often, we are unsure of how the other person will react if we say the wrong thing.

When we are uncertain of what to say, it is reflected in our voice. We can sound disingenuous, weak, unintelligent, or lacking empathy.

And things can get worse. When we realise that the challenging communication isn’t going that well, we try to over-compensate by talking about unrelated matters and hoping that the uncomfortable topic will either go away or the person will bring it up themselves.

It is critically important to get the person to talk about the underlying issue/s that is causing them angst. Talking about things that impact on us helps us to rationaslise and normalise how we are feeling about the issue. If we don't talk about the issue, it then becomes such an emotional issue that it totally consumes the person’s thoughts.

Talking about emotional issues disarm them and relieves the negative thoughts.  

In these difficult communications, I use a technique I term – ‘Run to the fire’.

In short, ask the person a question about the very thing that you fear asking them. When we do so, the conversation goes straight to the underlying issue and communications become honest, open, and genuine.

Once you have asked the question, focus on that issue and nothing else, stay on that topic for as long as possible. In suicide intervention I call this the death zone, the dark place that we fear talking about yet need to go to, to relieve the pressure.

Ask them questions about how the issue is impacting on them and how they feel about the issue. Once you have gained all the information that you think you need to help the person, take a step back and find out how the issue occurred.

Don’t problem solve the issue until you have all the information.

When we take people back over what has happened prior to fixing the problem, two things happen. Most people like to tell you about the issue which will gain you valuable empathy and rapport. Additionally, we now have all the information that we need to ensure we can help them appropriately without making errors.

This technique doesn’t work for all communication situations, just the ones that we find the most uncomfortable. Go with your gut, say what's in your heart, and be genuine.

How Can I Help Those In The Mire?

Another common question I am asked by those who know someone who is struggling with depression or is suicidal - "What can I do to help them?"

The first and most important thing that you can do is encourage the person to get expert help, this is critical.

Sometimes however, the person doesn't want to get expert help and forcing them to do so may push them further away.

Watching a loved one go through an invisible illness is heart breaking, more so if they are a family member. They may feel helpless and hopeless, so will you.

Because each of us is very different, there is no single panacea that will work for everyone. Some people will accept a firm hand while this will alienate others or make things worse for them.

Often, our first reaction when we want to help someone is to offer suggestions - "Why don't you go and see this person?', or "I know this worked for such-and-such so why don't you try it?', or "Why don't you Google it?" Usually the unwell person has tried all of those things.

Then we might try a bit of tough love - "Why don't you just snap out of it?", or "Things get hard sometimes so you need to harden up?", or "When times get tough the tough get going!"

We might try the opposite of tough love - "Let me do that for you", or "You stay in your room and I will do everything for you", or "Of course I will buy you whatever you need to get you through."

A saying used in crisis intervention - 'If you don't know, ask.'

And that is my recommendation for you to do when you are trying to help someone who is going through depression or is suicidal, after you have encouraged them to get help of course. Ask them how they are feeling and what they are thinking.

Don't try and fix it, simply be there for them. Depression and suicidal thoughts produce feelings of isolation and loneliness so just being around is one of the best things that you can do to help them.

It is comforting knowing there is someone around us that is wanting to help at our pace.

Here are some other things that you may want to try;

• Get the person outside in the sun as much as possible - sunlight produces vitamin D.
• Smile as much as possible - looking serious and surly portrays feelings of anxiety and fear and may make the person think that they are bringing you down therefore they will feel worse.
• Don't force it - positive reinforcement and encouragement tends to work better.
• Talk more - humans are social creatures, we like to talk when others talk to us.
• Encourage healthy options - we know that a good diet and healthy living such as going for a walk is best for our wellbeing.

Let them know how important they are to you.

The greatest piece of advice I can offer is to look after yourself first. You are no good to anyone if you are broken! Just like emergency service workers ensure that they have everything that they need before helping others, so should you.

You need to have a solid platform to operate from before you can help others.