"Men Need To Talk More", So Why Don't They?

Currently, we have a higher level of suicide awareness than we ever have before, that is fantastic. There are many wonderful people and organisations supporting the need to talk more about suicide, and that is also fantastic. So why are men still significantly over-represented in suicide compared to women, and why aren't men talking more?

"Why aren't men seeking help when they most need it?"

There are many reasons - they may have internalised feelings of shame, guilt, loss of face, failure, weakness, the list goes on. All of these 'feelings' for me suggest that men are not good at talking about their emotions. Why, it's not in our nature to do so, it's not in our DNA.

When was the last time that you heard a man talking about their emotions? They may talk about how great something was, how they were excited by something, or talk about how proud they felt when something happened. But men tend not to talk about how they are truly feeling emotionally, more so if it opens them to a suggestion of fragility.

"Seldom will you hear a man say that he feels sad, or alone, or lost, or hurt or emotional."

Men have never talked about their emotions since the beginning of time, instead we bury ourselves in our work to hide from them. In earlier times, each day we would get up and go out hunting and gathering to feed our family. To become a man, you had to kill your first beast without any help. Sure, these young boys were scared but they buried their fear and killed that beast regardless. Then everyone celebrated the boy entering into manhood and never spoke of how afraid they felt. But their mothers knew!

For the most part, men and women have the same emotions. Men have simply learned over time not to talk about their emotions that may open them to ridicule or give the impression that they are weak or leave them feeling vulnerable to the world.

We know that everyone can change, I am personally convinced of that. So why don't we as men change the way that we speak about our emotions? The truth is that we can do so and we desperately need to if we want to stay 'well' in our heads.

"Suicide is an emotional response to situations, it is not a mental illness."

Generally, suicide is an emotional response to one or more overwhelming events. The brain searches for a way to escape the situation and if it can't find one it will suggest suicide as an answer. That's what a suicidal ideation is, a thought of suicide as the brain searches for a way out to stop the emotional hurt and pain.

Men should talk more, I agree with the current message. But we should talk more about our emotions, about our feelings. We often try to yet when we do eventually talk about them we just don't use the right words to express how we truly feel. We don't feel comfortable in expressing how we feel emotionally.

This reluctance may be because we don't know how to express our emotions, or perhaps we don't know the right words to describe how we really feel. We must learn to if we want to halt this curable disease that is killing us at more than three times the rate of women.

Let's not forget that women are also taking their own lives, just not at the same rate as men. If we are going to talk about suicide, then let's all talk together about how we feel.

"Let's normalise our conversation around feelings and emotions, together, men and women."

Are They Suicidal and What Should I Say?

Following on from yesterday's post on what I learned about suicide as a crisis negotiator and as someone who himself struggled at one point in my life, how do you know if a person is suicidal and what should you say to help them if you think that they are at risk.

Firstly, if you are reading this and are having thoughts of suicide I implore you to seek expert help. There are many wonderful people who can help you, some will do so for next to no cost. Secondly, know that if you are struggling you are not alone, you are but one of so many people who are struggling in the same way. Lastly, it is not a failing to ask for help, it is quite the opposite. You may feel like a failure but ignore those negative thoughts, be proud that you made it this far.

You have been strong enough to keep fighting by yourself and you don't need to do it alone. Show your true strength and reach out.

There are so many variables to consider when determining if someone is suicidal and each person may have one, two, or many of these common signs;

• Increase in; mood swings, alcohol/drug intake, smoking, risk-taking, breaking the law, emotional outbursts, unexplained crying and destructive behaviour such as self-harming.

• Lethargy, poor sleeping patterns, increase/decrease in appetite, poor grooming, increased sickness, bad judgement decisions and making mistakes.

• They may express feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, have strong feelings of guilt and regret and won't talk about the future.

Because there are so many variables in each of us, and more so in the generational differences, what I have found in my work is that there are other indicators to look for;

• Socialisation disappears altogether. They won't look at you when you talk to them, they won't want to talk with you at all, they won't want to meet with people, they won't even go outside as they try to isolate themselves from the world around them.

• They may get 'busy' as they try to run away from their thoughts, they will try to distract their mind from what is going on inside their head by working harder. When that doesn't help they will stop working altogether and hide in their office, house, or bedroom to shut out the rest of the world.

• They look pale, like death warmed up as the saying goes. The brain tells the body to shut down because it is under attack therefore blood will go to the vital organs, away from the surface of the skin, to protect itself.

So, what should you say to someone who you think is suicidal? The latest recommended sentence is to ask "Are you thinking of killing yourself?" In my humble opinion this is not what you should say. This is a sentence used by crisis negotiators to shock the person out of their current situation and to grab their attention. They are about to take their life and negotiators need to snap them out of this act. Most suicidal people I have spoken to have no idea what they are doing at the time of the attempt.

Frighteningly for me, I have heard of parents now asking their children each day "Are you thinking of killing yourself?" Seriously? A few things to think about when you use this sentence;

• If it is used all of the time, is it normalising the sentence therefore losing its impact each time. Who knows, it may also have the reverse effect.

• Does using this sentence lessen the chances of a crisis negotiator, a psychologist, or another professional, intervening? Probably because it has been used so many times before.

• I recently worked with people in a unique industry who have been told to use this sentence with their clients if they think that the person is suicidal. Some of these industry professionals have become reluctant to meet with their clients in case the client says "Yes" to this question.

• What happens if the person does say "Yes" to your question? Do you have the crisis intervention skills necessary to communicate effectively with the person or know what steps to take? If the suicidal person answers yes, you must act fast to immediately engage with them.

Now that I am no longer a crisis negotiator, I simply ask the person "Are you okay?" Australia run a very successful crisis intervention program based on this simple sentence. If you don't like that sentence, use another one that I also recommend "Is everything okay, you don't seem your usual self?"

Once the person starts talking, ask them about what they are thinking and feeling at that very moment. If there is a real risk of harm, phone the police, they are the only organisation who will do face-to-face intervention if there are environmental dangers. If the risk isn't so great, get the person to a professional or a doctor. If there is only a slight risk, there are plenty of counselling and support services available.

Once an intervention has commenced the following 24-hours are critical so you must get the suicidal person expert help once a disclosure has been made.

Guilt and regret from not doing something to help another person when they are in need will haunt you for a long time. We all have a duty of care to look after each other regardless of our relationship to that person. Let's help each other.

More Things That I Learned About Suicide!

Having stood on both sides of the handrail, and with the benefit of time to reflect on what occurred to me both professionally and personally, here are a few more thoughts on what I learned about that taboo subject - suicide;

• Suicide is more prevalent than official records would indicate. A road crash, a fall from the roof, or some other freak accident may also have been from suicide. Suicide touches many people. Speak with anyone and they will know of someone who has attempted to, or sadly been successful at killing themselves.

• No-one is immune to at least having suicidal ideations, thoughts of suicide, or from taking their own life. Given the right environment, any one of us can be touched by this destructive invisible thought. Suicide is uncaring and knows no boundaries - it does not stop to consider; race, religion, gender, culture, financial status, geographical location, nor familial environment.

• Suicidal people may not be sad, down, depressed or suffering from depression. They could be the life of the party, the most jovial person that you have ever met, the happiest person ever. That's what they portray on the outside, on the inside they are frightened and feeling desperately alone.

• Those struggling with thoughts of suicide often don't know what to do; they fear their thoughts but don't want to burden others by speaking out about them. They don't want others to see them as being vulnerable or of being a failure. They will try to tough it out and see if they can work through their emotional pain.

• Most don't know what is happening to them as they have never felt this way before therefore have no benchmark to guide them on what to do or how to stop this darkness from covering them. They get comfortable in the uncomfortable, their irrational thoughts become rational, they work hard to break free from their destructive thoughts until it all becomes all too much.

• They make more than one attempt at killing themselves. They are not being petulant, they are not selfish, they are not losers. They are crying out for help but don't know how to do it in a rational way. They simply want the pain to end but also want to hold on to life.

• Those who go on to complete suicide do so because their thoughts tell them to. Their thoughts are real, not like yours or mine, their thoughts are vivid and overwhelming. They are telling themselves that they are a burden on others, that they should not carry on because they are hurting the ones that they love be being around.

• Most who have survived suicide will tell you that they are glad to have survived, and they are. A lot of survivors will go on to help others, to give back, to make amends, to tell their story, to be thankful for a new chance at life.

• Will they go back to that dark place? No. They may have a low mood from time-to-time, they may need to take better care of themselves, they may want to talk more about how they feel. Mostly, they know in themselves when it is time to back off, to slow down, to get away, to rest, to leave the world behind for a week or two. When they do so, leave them, they are okay. They simply want to recharge their batteries and get their thoughts and feelings back in order.

We can talk as much as we like about suicide to try to help those who may be suicidal, and talking about it can be a good thing. The problem is that the person who we want to know about this 'stuff' when times get tough for them won't remember what we have said. They aren't rational, their logical though processes have disintegrated, past words are meaningless as they become completely overwhelmed by the darkness.

Tomorrow I will talk about how to identify if someone is suicidal and what to do and say to help them. Most importantly, I want to help you, the one who may be left behind with feelings of guilt for not doing enough or not seeing it happening.

Hindsight is not a wonderful thing; it is a terrible burden.

"My Best Friend Died." Should I Say Sorry?

In times when a friend tells you some sad news, our first response is to say how sorry we are. That's without question the right thing to say. But what if you don't know the person telling you the sad news, is saying sorry the right thing to say?

The word sorry has an unusual impact on us personally, because it is just that, a personal word. When we use it, our brain tends to recall the event later as we sit and reflect on our day. Think now about the last time you used the word sorry, I suspect that you can and that you remember the circumstances as to why you said it.

The word sorry has also become commonplace, we use it a lot therefore it has lost some of its meaning. For some, the word sorry has become the 'go to' word for every time that they make a mistake and because of this it sounds disingenuous.

So what you should say if a stranger tells you some sad news? If you use the word sorry, then ensure that you finish the sentence off properly with something like "...to hear that has happened to you", or "...to hear that (repeat their message)."

For example, a person who you don't know tells you that their friend died. You could say "I am sorry to hear that your friend has died." Or, "I am sorry to hear that this has happened to you." This sounds a little more genuine and will stop you reflecting on the conversation later on.

I try not to use the word sorry when someone who I don't know tells me sad news. The reason is simple, I do not know the person therefore saying sorry may sound trite. It may also provoke anger in the other person as they retort "You shouldn't be sorry, you don't know me or who I'm talking about."

Instead, I will try to say something like "I can't imagine what that must be like", or "That must be terribly difficult", or "The loss of someone is never easy is it", or "Are you coping okay with everything?" Then I leave a gap and wait for the other person to talk.

On most occasions, the other person will respond by telling me how they feel. They may even shed a tear or two, and that is a good thing. If they do cry, say to them "Take your time". They will usually take a breath and regain control and be able to move on.

It is important to acknowledge an emotion in our daily conversations. There is a saying in crisis negotiating - 'Acknowledging an emotion disarms it' - and it does. It helps the other person having someone acknowledge the situation and/or emotion that they find themselves stuck in. And, it also helps you by making you feel good about being able to help someone in their difficult time.

We are humans and for most of us, it's all about our emotions.

I Can't Do This, It's All Too Hard!

I still hear people saying how difficult it is to change their thinking from negative to positive. And I admit that it is difficult to do, in fact you can never be totally positive because of the wiring in your brain.

Because your brain has a negative bias, it thinks and remembers mostly negative information. It does so to help keep you out of danger. When something bad happens to you, there is a marker placed in your long-term memory so that the next time something similar happens to you, your brain will retrieve this memory as a reference point,

This action then becomes a pattern of behaviour if you let it become so or if you are at a low point in your life. This habit can be changed but it takes time, at least 60 to 80 days in fact. There is no quick fix for your brain except maybe for a headache!

There are several techniques that you can try which will stop your negative thinking;

• Punishment - wear a rubber band on your wrist and flick it on the inside of your wrist to produce pain each time you catch yourself having a negative thought.
• Diversion - immediately think of; a happy thought, a place that you like to go to, a movie that you have seen, a holiday you went to, anything positive that diverts the negative thought.
• Let it go - this technique has been around for a while and works for a lot of people. Rather than 'fight' to push the thought away, acknowledge it and then let it gently leave your thought process. If it comes back again do the same thing until eventually the thought no longer returns.
• Affirmation - have a 'go to' positive mantra that you keep repeating in your head.
• Stop talking negative - if you are noticing that you are talking negatively, change it. For example, we have a tendency to identify the bad stuff if someone asks us how our day was, instead tell them what was good about your day.
• Smile & laugh - force yourself to smile as much as possible, this tells your brain that you are happy.
• Stop looking back - negative thinking can be due to feelings of guilt and regret from past mistakes. Be in the here and now when this occurs by focussing intently on what you are doing.
• Be around positive people - negative people are destructive so exclude them from your circle of friends. Be around happy people and those you want to be around.
• Journal positive events - write down one or two positive things that happen to you each day and read the list at the conclusion of the week or when you are overcome with negative feelings.
• Read positive quotes - studies have shown that reading positive quotes can help to change your thoughts. (I post four of these each evening on my personal FB site https://www.facebook.com/lance.burdett.5/)

Choose any one of the techniques from above and keep using that technique for at least a week. If you haven't noticed a change then try another technique for the same period. Some of you may want to try using a combination of techniques to get a faster result.

Finally, you must keep reminding yourself that it's all just a thought. Often when we think of something so intently all the time it becomes part of us and we start believe that it is reality. It's not, it's just a thought.