How To Say 'No' To Reduce Pressure.

Often we find it difficult to say 'no' - to push back on additional work, to tell our boss that we have too much on without adding more work to the pile, to reduce the pressure coming down on us from above.

Try some of these methods of saying "No" to receiving more work;

• Say 'Yes' followed by a rider - "Yes I can, let's look at what else I have on and see where I can fit it in." or "Yes, although it might take me a little while to get to it given the other priorities that I have at the moment." or "Yes of course I can, is the end of the week okay?" All of these sentences are subtle ways of saying that you have lots to do already.
• Say 'No', followed by a maybe - "No I can't at this time however if you leave it with me I will get to it as soon as I can." or "No, not right now, how urgent is it?" or "No, but there may be a chance later in the week."
• Say 'No' without a maybe - "No I can't I'm afraid as I simply have too much on at the moment and I do not want to rush and make a mistake."
• Offer a solution - "I am snowed under at the moment, have you asked...." or "I am unable to help right now, are there other options that you have considered to get this done?"
• Thank them - "Thank you for bringing this to me, you know that I like to assist whenever I can. I was going to catch up on other work first if that is okay?"

There are a couple of rules to adhere to when saying 'No':

1. Be polite - Rude people get treated rudely, no one wins.
2. Learn how to say 'no' - The more that you say 'no' the easier it becomes.
3. Don't always say 'no' - be careful not to fall into the trap of alienating yourself from others because you always say 'no' to everything or being seen as negative person.
4. 'No' is a negative word - take care that you do not use 'no' for everything as 'no' is a negative word and your brain will register the negativity and begin to 'think' that way.
5. Soften the word if you can - because the word 'no' is short and sharp, it can often sound abrupt. Try adding words with a similar meaning such as 'unable to' or 'cannot at the moment' or 'not right now'.

Say 'no' only if you really have to, helping others is a form of altruism and the benefits of doing so are beneficial to your wellbeing.

Pushing Back on Targets, Goals, Quotas and Pressure.

I am often asked about what to do or say if your boss is putting you under too much pressure to meet targets. My answer "It depends".

Let's get the 'depend' out of the way - the first thing to look at is you. Look at yourself in comparison to those around you. If you have the same goals and targets as everyone else and you aren't meeting yours while everyone else is, then you may need to change something.

Assuming that it is not you, that it is your boss who is being unfair, then they need to change. You would know that goals should be in the SMART format - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Bound. There are many variations of this acronym however all have it expressed somewhere that the goal has to be realistic.

The problem with setting goals is that they are either set so high that people give up, or, once achieved the work rate drops off.

Research now suggests that, while targets are a good way of motivating employees, this only works if the goals are agreed upon by both parties and that the goal is a range rather than a set mark.

So how do you push back on too much work and what do you say if you aren't meeting your targets?

The first one is relatively simple and often works if done appropriately. When your boss gives you more work - agree with them that you can take on more work, then show them your list of current work and ask "How do you want me to prioritise this list?" They may not be aware of how much work you actually have so this a good way of showing them. If you don't want to tell your boss face-to-face, send your list of tasks in an email and ask your boss to number the tasks in the order that they would like them to be completed.

Targets are different. If you aren't meeting your targets and you have looked at yourself first, the next step is to establish why you aren't meeting them. It is unfair of organisations to berate you if you aren't meeting a target in one area yet excelling in another. Write down where you are doing well and show how this balances out the lack of achievement in another area. Often when setting targets, we aren't comparing like-for-like nor taking into account individual strengths and weaknesses.

If you cannot persuade your boss to set a range of targets as the goal then ask for additional support or resources to assist you, such as training or mentoring. If they are unmoved or being a 'dick' (a technical term for a bully) about it, go back and read my post on dealing with bullies.

You might want to consider asking them to read this post and point them to the latest research!

It is important to have pressure in our lives, it keeps us motivated, enthused and vibrant. However, it becomes detrimental to our health when we are under relentless pressure and see no clear way forward.

Pressure, Stress, Depressed and Depression.

"Is all of this resiliency stuff that you talk about really that important Lance?" I was asked recently. Of course you would know what my response was, "Yes". If you don't start taking notice of what is happening to you in this busy world that we live in you may be taken down without you even knowing it.

There are a few ways of getting depression, of becoming unwell as I refer to it, the most common one today for leaders and managers is from burnout. Who would have thought that working hard could hurt you? It can and it does. And it is killing people on a daily basis as a result.

In a work context, often the way in which people 'fall over' is when they are placed under too much pressure. Pressure is good for us, it excites us, stimulates us, keeps us focussed and we are often at our best when under pressure. Pressure is usually lots of things to do and not enough time to do them in. Pressure is mostly from an external source. We can all handle a bit of pressure from time to time, in fact we need it to keep us motivated.

However, when pressure becomes relentless, we may become overwhelmed if we aren't looking after ourselves. And that can lead to us thinking that we are under stress. Never ever think that, when you do so there are neurological changes that occur and your body will react accordingly. Stress is internal, it is you telling yourself that you are stressed. No person can make you stressed, or stress you out, it is simply your internal reaction to their external action. Instead, tell yourself that you are "busy" and that you need to slow down. In short, replace the word stress with busy.

If you keep telling yourself that you are stressed, you may become depressed. Being depressed is not the same as depression. Being depressed is generally a low mood from either being too busy or you are in a rut. If someone tells me that they are depressed, I ask them what is making them feel down. People become sullen, unmotivated, lethargic when they have been under lots of pressure and can't see a way out.

At this stage, if you have been under pressure for too long and perhaps telling yourself that you are stressed, you could go into depression. There is usually a catalyst at this point, something unintended, comes out of the blue. Often it is something personal that strikes us in our heart. Negative thoughts flood in, we isolate ourselves from others, become moody, have trouble focussing, start making mistakes, try to keep busy, and worst of all, don't tell anyone as we try to work through it alone.

While this is usually the pattern that we go through when work gets the better of us, there are variables. Know that if you are doing a lot of self-talking, trying to keep yourself busy, not going out as much as you use to, not wanting to talk with others, have lost the urge to do spontaneous things, don't smile as much as you once did, and cannot look others in the eye, then you need to make some changes at work.

Tomorrow I will talk about how to push back when pressure is mounting at work. Pressure is a good thing, too much of it can be detrimental to your wellbeing. Prevention is the key, and this is achieved through balance.

Depression - A Punishment or a Gift?

I went to see a one-man show last night titled - Shot Bro, Confessions of a Depressed Bullet. The writer and performer, New Zealand actor Rob Mokaraka, tells of his personal battle with depression through theatre. A great performance and a very powerful story for those of us who have been to the same dark place as Rob has.

The show also provides an insight into the mind of a depressed person for those who have not been to that unspeakable place. Rob openly admits having to manage himself so that he does not slip back down into the black hole, and I am the same. We both have to watch what we do so that we are not overcome with our busy lives.

You do as well, you need to watch yourself because this stuff sneaks up on you when you least expect it. "It always happens to someone else" was my common response when I heard that someone had fallen over. "They just need to harden up" was another. Worse still, I would say "They are just soft". So life did what life often does in these situations, it gave me a sneak preview of the dark side as a way of enlightening me. Thanks life!

Apart from those who may have an underlying medical condition, most people who have had depression are just like Rob and I, and just like you. Yes, we may be 'soft'. Every person that I have met who has had depression is sensitive, caring, thoughtful, and giving. But they are just ordinary people like Rob, you, and I.

Ordinary people who have got busy, who wanted to please, who wanted to help as much as possible, and who forgot about themselves.

Our work scratches at the armour we hide behind, it weakens the metal plates that protect us, it keeps us moving forward to run away from our thoughts, it leaves us open and vulnerable. And then suddenly out of nowhere 'life' comes and slaps us down. It is often something personal, something that stabs us right in the heart and takes us down. We fight it, but eventually we have to face up to 'life' and we fall into the deep black hole.

It may take a while to get back out, some say twice as long to get out as it does to fall in. "3-to-5" I say, three to five years to climb back to the top of the hole. But the journey is so well worth it. The things that you learn on the long climb out of the hole opens your eyes to many things.

You learn about yourself, about just how strong you really are. And you are very, very strong indeed. Your mind goes to places that few get the opportunity to go to, (and would not want them to go to), and you learn how to live again. It is like being reborn, a second chance at life, a chance to make things right and a chance to help others. Just like Rob is doing now.

I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone, not even for our worst enemies. However, what I learned about life on my journey I could not have learned any other way. And for that I am very grateful. More grateful still to those who stuck by me.

Each of us who have been in the dark hole have a responsibility. A responsibility to help others; to help those who are going through tough times, to provide an insight for those who have not been there nor should ever want to, and to ensure that as few people as possible have to fall into the abyss.

Rob Mokaraka is a brave man, he relives his dark time night after night in his show. He does this to help others. Thank you Rob.

Why am I So Hard On Myself?

Most of us do it - over-think, over-react, over-worry, and over-analyse - and I for one am over it. But I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I teach this stuff and even I can't think positively all of the time. Why is that, what hope do others have if I can't stop myself from doing it?

The truth is we can't stop the negative bias that is hardwired into our brain. I have met many positive people and when asked if they are positive all of the time the answer is always the same, no.

We need that negative bias to keep us safe, to keep us from making the same mistake that got us into trouble last time, to keep us from doing dumb things, to keep us on alert and to keep us at our best.

I challenge anyone to tell me that they have never had a negative thought, never sit and ponder over their mistakes, never have a thought of guilt or regret, and never wondered "What if" or "If only". History (evolution) ensures that we have these thoughts so that we can survive and thrive.

What positive people do is to manage the negative thinking by; making amends, dealing with it in some practical way, looking for the positives, or dismissing it altogether and moving on if none of the first three options are available.

That's the secret in all of this, if you can't fix it then forget it. As the over-thought comes into your head - acknowledge it, apologise or make amends for what occurred, work hard to make it right, look at what you learnt from it, - and then move on as quickly as possible.

Remember that we cannot change 50% of worry, it is hereditary. The other 50% we can change because it has become a habit. And a bad one at that.

Worry, guilt, and regret - these are the things that will take you down if you continue to let them get the better of you. (And that’s all they are, thoughts). The next thing that will happen if you keep thinking this way will be feelings of failure, that you aren't good enough, that you aren't worthy. And then will come the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Stop being so hard on yourself, stop all of those dangerous over-thinking practices that you have become accustomed to, and stop those negative thoughts as much as you can. The more that you practice this the easier it will become.

Break the habit, right now. You are the only you that we have, and the world needs you.