I Am Stressed, Or Am I?

I hear people say that they are under enormous pressure, stressed, and even depressed. Mostly, they aren't. They just aren't managing their work/home life balance correctly and as a result their brain is looking for ways to help them by working overtime.

We all need pressure - pressure keeps us at our best, our brain likes to work at problems, likes to be moving, likes to discover new things. If we don't have a little bit of pressure in our lives, we would soon become bored. 

The problem is that pressure can build up on us if we don't take time out to relax or to do something to help our brain. When pressure builds up, we start to say to ourselves that we are stressed, so we become stressed. I love the quote "If you think that you are stressed then you are." 

If we stay stressed for too long you may become depressed which is a low mood.

So, what are the signs that you aren't getting the balance right? For most people it is tightness and sore muscles across their back and shoulders. This is due to the muscles constantly being tight from the flight-or-flight response.

Then you might get 'busier' to take your mind off the fact that your brain is continually in overdrive, you can't sit still, you bury yourself in your work, you become focussed on yourself rather than what’s around you. All the things that you shouldn’t be doing!

You might also start to have sleep problems; you may start to eat lots of sugary or processed foods & drinks to keep your energy levels up. Your coffee intake will likely rise also.

If you do not do something at this point, your brain will automatically start to look for ways to help you – your brain will always look at the negative rather than the positive while it searches for the answer. 

At this point you need to take back control, you control your conscious brain but need to work harder to control your sub-conscious brain. If you don't, the consequences can be devastating. 

The next few posts will focus on simple things that you can do to keep a balanced lifestyle and what to do if you are starting to become stressed.

Until then, relax!

Hey Mate, You Don't Look Your Usual Self. Are You Okay?

Friend - "Hey mate, are you okay?" Mate - "I'm fine."

Friend - "Are you sure, you don't look that well?" Mate - "What do you mean?"

Friend - "You aren't your usual self." Mate - "Yes I am, I'm just busy."

Friend - "It's more than that, I can see that you are busy. You don't talk much these days." Mate - "I'm talking now aren't I?"

Friend - "Yeah, but you’re not as talkative as you normally do. And your sentences are much shorter. Want to grab a coffee? " Mate - "I've got too much to do. Maybe another time."

Friend - "You don't look at my face either, it's as though you don't want to look at me." Mate - "Don't be stupid."

Friend - "And you are always flat out doing things. It's as though you are trying to avoid people." Mate - "No I'm not. I told you, I'm fine."

Friend - "And you look unwell mate, kind of pale as though you haven't had enough sun." Mate - "Look, leave me alone, I'm OK, I told you."

Friend - "I read a book recently written by some cop who said that these can be the early signs of stress, maybe even leading to being depressed - a low mood. " Mate - "What would he know, cops think they know everything."

Friend - "Yeah they do don't they. But this one said I should ask you if you want to talk. Maybe even encourage you to get some help." Mate - "I have been feeling down a bit, it's just work. And stuff going on at home."

Friend - "I have heard some people say that I should ask you if you are thinking of killing yourself if I am really concerned about you." Mate - "What the hell."

Friend - "I know, crazy as it sounds. I wouldn't know how to ask you that, I'd probably say something like 'Mate, I'm here for you if you need me, I don't want you to do something that would hurt yourself or others'." Mate - "If I was that sick, would I even listen to you?"

Friend - "I'd hope so mate, I certainly do hope so." Mate - "Things have been getting on top of me lately....."

Friend - "What do you reckon you go and talk with someone who knows about this stuff eh!" Mate - "Would it help?"

Friend - "I think it would. And what can it hurt? I can come with you if you want me to?" Mate - "No, I'll go myself."

Friend - "Promise, you are going to?" Mate - "I probably need to, I just can't stop my brain from thinking dark things and I can't sleep at all. I don't even want to eat sometimes...."

Friend - "Good on you mate, it's for the best. I need you around mate, who else am I going to rely on to keep me straight and honest?" Mate - "Yeah, you do need me around don't you?"

Friend - "We need each other mate, we need each other." 

Time To Move On, Honestly.

Reflecting this week after a busy few weeks with filming, a book launch and lots of interviews, I found myself pondering a few questions;

·        Did I think it all the way through, writing a book, filming a documentary, being interviewed, having my photo taken, and being in the spotlight - No. I never expected so much coverage in such a short space of time and, while kind of nice, it is also a little unsettling and took my mind away from what I should be doing in my business.

·        Was I surprised at the response - Yes. And what a heart-warming and moving experience with so many positive messages, words of kindness, personal stories shared, and not a single negative comment. (That's not an invitation to send me one by the way!) 

·        Would I want to be in the spotlight again - Yes. Being in a job where the majority of your work is negative often distorts your reality. For the most part; people are good, people are kind, people are honest, people don't set out to hurt others. And, people like to see that you are human and that you show it.

·        Was I completely honest to myself in telling my story – No. More than once I thought of suicide, I said that it only happened to me once. There were several other times when I had a fleeting thought and that is all it was, a quick flash which I dismissed immediately. I simply thought of my family and friends and the thought disappeared as quickly as it entered.

·        Would people now think of me differently - Yes. I am sure that the majority of people will see my story for what it was, someone who was working far too hard who ignored the warning signs and tried to work through his thoughts, alone. You should never ever do that.

·        Have I changed - Yes. I have mellowed, I now take time out, I am no longer afraid to show emotion, I no longer care what people say about me, (well, mostly anyway) I am now being me with all of my flaws.

·        Have I learned one important message through all of this - Yes. People are fundamentally good; it is their circumstances that sometimes alters their behaviour.

·        Would I do things in my life differently - Yes. I would have taken more time out, I would not try to do everything all at once, and I would most importantly tell someone if I was feeling down.

With that being said, it is now time for me to move on. This is the last post that I will do about myself, after all it's not all about me (right now my brain is saying "Yes it is, stop saying that”).

From now on, as much as my brain will let me, I want to focus on you. I want to pay you back for your kindness shown to me over the last few weeks. I want to give back to those who have sent me such wonderful messages, one as recently as this morning. I want to help as many people as I can. I want to be there for you like you would have been there for me had I just asked.

Your kindness and humanity overwhelms me, let me pay you back.

An Open Letter Of Thanks

You may have seen a documentary that aired on the TVNZ Sunday programme last Sunday (31st July) that featured my 'melt-down' to coincide with the release of my book - Behind The Tape. To say that I was apprehensive to undertake the filming would be a massive understatement.

I know that my brain thinks negatively, I know that my brain exaggerates things, I know that only one of my five emotions is positive, I know that I will focus solely on the detractors when I read the feedback. But that doesn't help to reassure me.

What does reassure me is the positive feedback that I have received about my disclosure - I went mad! Well, not mad, I succumbed to what many of us succumb to, being impacted by life. If I was honest, being far too sympathetic and emotional. Being human.

I could go on about the reasons I went into a dark space, and I will do so in due course. The documentary only scratched the surface. What I do want to say is a huge THANK YOU.

On the long drive back from work today, a tear (tears) came to my eye, not from road film or from pollen, from gratitude.

I am so very grateful for all of the positive messages that I have received - from past, current and prospective police colleagues, from complete strangers who either were or knew someone who were struggling, from those who are in the same dark place that I have been, from those have battled for so long to find the light, and more importantly, from those who are still in the mire. 

Thank you to all of you. I will get to your messages of support eventually to personally thank you, until then please accept this open message as my way of appreciating your kindness. Know that I have left the longer messages or those that require my utmost attention until I can truly respond to you from my heart. Please know that I have read your message and you have lifted my spirits beyond belief.

Humanity is alive and well, I am so pleased that of the many messages I have received - FaceBook, LinkedIn and to my email address - not a single one has been negative of critical. I am so humbled and blessed.

Me te aroha nui ki a koutou katoa - Lots of love to you all.

For Those Who Have Been There.

My apologies for the self-promotion; an hour-long documentary will screen this Sunday (31 July) on the TVNZ program, SUNDAY, about my journey into the darkness and back out again. 

Yes, this is about me, but it also about you - those of you who have been down in the depths or may still be there.

My desire is that you will see this documentary as one of hope, which is the intention of putting myself out there. I was lucky, I climbed back out of my deep dark hole, I honestly wish and pray that you can do the same.

The following day, Monday the 1st August, my book will be published – 'Behind the Tape'. It is an insight into policing, into crisis negotiating, and how quickly my life spiralled out of control because I let it. As I now know it was within my control to avoid it, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The appendices in the book are filled with information on what I learned on my journey and ways to avoid the mistakes that I made. If nothing else, please read these.

Thanks you for taking the time to view this post, I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in all that you do. Kia kaha - be strong, keep going.