What Would A True Friend Do?

Sorry ladies, this post is for men. You are welcome to read it however you already know this stuff so I don’t want to bore you.

We know that men die on average 4 years sooner than women, are over-represented in depression (2 to 1), and are over-represented in suicide (3.5 to 1).  

So why is it that the stats are skewed against men? In my humble opinion, men;

·        don't look after themselves in the same way that women do.

·        go into denial when they are under pressure or unwell.

·        ignore the early tell-tale signs of ill-health.

·        don't like to share how they are 'feeling' inside.

·        don't like to burden others with their problems.

·        believe that they can cope with whatever life throws their way.

Again in my opinion, it all comes down to our wiring. Men's evolutionary brain was wired so that we had to go to work each day regardless of our health, physical and/or mental.

In early times we would hunt, eat, and sleep. Hunting was our main preoccupation which we had to do to provide the essentials for our family. Nothing has changed these days, at least that is what our brain still tells us.

Men need to know that;

·        women are just as capable as men are at providing for their family. 

·        women are surviving longer because they go to the doctor when they are unwell.

·        women talk to their friends when they have a problem without fear of reprisal or of being judged.

·        women listen to their friends, don't try to solve, and offer advice only if it is asked of them.

I would like to think that if a friend came to me with a problem, I would be like a woman about it. I would let him vent, I would listen as he told me how he felt, I would not be afraid or think less of him if he cried, I would listen in silence without judgement, and I would simply be there for him if he needed a confidante.

Importantly, I would share something personal with him. Not to burden him with my troubles, but to have a mutual bond. A 'man bond'. 

We Are Only Human - Forgive Yourself

Experience (age) brings with it wisdom, hindsight, and often guilt and regret about our life. Here are my thoughts on mistakes that I have made over the first part of my life;

·        Have I made mistakes in my life - plenty.

·        Do I regret making those mistakes - yes.

·        Have I hurt people along the way - yes.

·        Does this eat me up inside - yes.

·        Would I change these if I could - in a heartbeat.

·        Have I learnt from these mistakes - I would like to think so.

·        Would I make the same mistakes again - I hope not.

·        Why aren't I so certain - because I am human.

·        Is being human just an excuse or a cop-out - no.

·          Then why hide behind it - because it is what it is.

·        What is that supposed to mean – our emotional brain is difficult to control.

·        Ha? – as humans we react on instinct rather than logic when we are emotional.

Having been on the 'worry wheel' for a period of time, I know that my brain keeps reminding me of the stupid things that I have said and done in my life. I have hurt people, lost friends, and alienated others because of the dumb things that I have said and done.

I also know that I could have been better, much better. I could have been whoever I wanted to be if I had set my mind to it early enough.

Understanding that we all make mistakes and knowing as I do now that all of these things that I have said and done is because of my brain doesn't help me much. I still reflect on the stupid things that I have said and done that has hurt others.

But we need a reason to lessen the guilt and regret that lingers long after our mistakes are made. And being human, while not a valid reason, is all that we have. Our emotional brain has evolved over time and it takes a lot of work to overcome it.

I still say and do things that I later say to myself, "Why did you say or do that?" What I try to do now is accept it, try and make amends if I can, and move on quickly. Mindfulness, a human way of dealing with human mistakes.

Learn from your mistakes, be totally in the moment, and keep moving forward doing your best not to say or do stupid things. 

Guilt and regret, while normal responses for humans, is simply wasted energy. Let them go and focus on being the best that you can be in every part of your life. That will keep you busy enough.

Accept Help When It Is Offered

I am in the process of writing a book about my journey with NZ Police, in particular around my time as a crisis negotiator. I started writing and quickly got to 40,000 words. After the first review, my publisher wanted more detail drawn from the events that I attended. I was unable to do so.

After four attempts at focusing on the minute detail that readers would require of my story, I gave in to having someone assist me. It was my story and I wanted to tell it my way. It is a very personal story about the emotional journey that most emergency service workers ride on every day.

It is the story of falling down time and again and getting up each time, often bruised and battered - emotionally. Of dealing with events that few have the misfortune of being involved in. How do you write about things that one could never imagine doing?

My publisher kept hinting that she could help me tell my story. Eventually, after her persistence, I gave in. It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off me. I could relax and focus on my business without the worry of how to tell my story which was consuming my mind.

And that's when I realised the importance of accepting help. For the last few weeks I have had someone come and interview me about my time in the police. And here's the kicker, I am recalling events in my police career that were long forgotten. 

I am recalling important things that need to be told so that you can know what it is truly like to stand on the edge of a cliff with another person beside you, knowing that if you said the wrong thing the other person might step off the cliff and take their own life.

I am now on a journey of discovery, discovering parts of my memory that I never realised I had. Perhaps more accurately, recalling buried memories.

While I still struggle to recall the emotional challenges I faced, I have even more difficulty in recalling happier times. I know that there were many, I know that we all used to laugh a lot, I remember the camaraderie that was and is so strong, and I remember that we did help other people. But those moments are now so insignificant that I feared the book will be filled with negative stories.

The moral of this post, if I had not accepted help I would not have been able to recall lost (buried) memories. I would not have been able to tell my story the way it needs to be told. And I would not have done justice to the people who still work in emergency services.

If someone offers you help, accept it without hesitation. Similarly, if you see someone struggling, offer them a helping hand. That’s what good people do.

Managers or Employees - Who Is Under More Pressure?

Opinion time. Here are my observations on the question, "Who is under more pressure these days, managers or employees?"

Employees - There is no doubt that employees are under tremendous pressure at work compared to earlier times. Employees are expected to undertake more work and have a higher productivity index than their predecessors.

Technological advances have both helped and hindered the demands placed on employees. Yes, technology is a good thing and enables greater productivity, but technology itself is an issue when we have to learn the new program alongside current programs and when technology fails the implications can be enormous. 

Additionally, no longer is it acceptable for employees in the customer service industry for example to expel those that behave inappropriately or hang-up on a customer who becomes angry. We now must learn new ways of continued engagement with difficult customers.

No longer is it okay to say "That's good enough" when we are providing a service to clients. We need to know every policy and procedure no matter how insignificant to ensure that we do not stray from what is deemed to be acceptable. Employees are under extreme scrutiny like never before and there is a myriad of ways that complaints can be made against an employee by a disaffected client.

Worse still is the intense monitoring and oversight placed on employees by managers. Often, the monitoring is down to the last second of each day.

Managers - Often unknown or sometimes ignored by employees, managers are under similar pressures, if not more so than employees. Managers are the proverbial 'meat in the sandwich' tasked with implementing changes thrust upon them from above while maintaining (or increasing) productivity.  

Managers work longer hours, must make immediate critical determinations on the run, are involved in decisions that could alter the long term outcome of the organisation and do not have the opportunity to relax in the evenings.

Managers must attend numerous meetings across the day and are then expected to be on top of their existing workload while keeping abreast of technological advances themselves.

Decisions that managers make have an immediate impact on an organisation, good or bad. That is an unspoken burden they face every day.

So who is under more pressure, employees or managers? In my opinion both are under pressure, the pressure is just different.

Pressure will always be on us, it how we respond that matters the most. Yes, we can start pushing back if we truly wanted to avoid pressure however that will only cause more pressure arising from conflict.

Regardless of what your role is in an organisation, know that you can only do the best that you can and that how you handle the pressure is determined by your attitude and perception. Change one of these, and pressure becomes a challenge, change becomes a curiosity, and new technology becomes an assistance.    

Warning - Here Comes Some Science Stuff

I was intrigued to know if the chemicals adrenalin and cortisol, which are produced in our body when we are stressed, were good or bad for us. If they are good then let’s get more of them in there, if they are bad (and we all know that they are bad) then what can I do to stop them from causing me harm.

When you are faced with danger or feel stressed, your sympathetic nervous system ignites your body's fight or flight response. Every organ, blood vessel, sweat gland, and other important functions are affected.

The release of adrenalin speeds up your heart rate, helps divert blood from non-essential organs and redirects the blood to the brain for thinking and into muscles for movement.

Your breathing rate increases to keep up with oxygen demand. You become alert and have a heightened sense of purpose. Essentially, adrenalin is produced so that you can stay and fight or run. If it is danger that you are facing, then adrenalin is a good thing. If it is stress (worry and anxiety) that causes adrenalin to be produced, then that is a bad thing because it will continue to be produced while you worry.

How do you get rid of adrenalin - exercise. A 30-minute medium to fast paced walk each day should be enough to burn up adrenalin that has been produced during the working day. If you don’t burn it off, you may have a runny bowel movement first thing in the morning.

Cortisol is a little different, cortisol is a poison to your body and is directly related to stress. When facing an 'emergency', cortisol performs a controlled shutdown of non-essential body systems that would otherwise drain our needed resources.  

For each minute that a stressor such as anxiety persists past when it is needed, cortisol keeps suppressing the body systems that digests food, stores energy, and helps cells in major organs to grow, repair and replenish. 

Cortisol promotes the release of glucose, fats and amino acids into the bloodstream thus making our blood thicker. In sum, Cortisol is a primary stress hormone.

Know that cortisol can cause obesity, heart disease, depression and anxiety, diabetes, osteoporosis and chronic fatigue syndrome amongst many other things.

So how do you get rid of cortisol - the same way that you should always strive to do each day regardless of your situation;

·       Sleep – 7 to 8 hours.

·       Exercise – 30-minutes of medium to fast paced walking every day.

·       Socialisation – Talking with people as much as you can, talk about anything and everything.

·       Diet – Eat a slow release carbo at the beginning of the day and protein at every meal.

Listening to music, meditation and laughter are also helpful ways to rid your body of cortisol.