Men Can't Talk - Apparently

I read an article recently that said the men can't talk. Thinking it was something to do with the way that we behave, I read on. Instead it was about the fact that men aren't all that great at holding a conversation. Really!

I read on with interest. As we know, girls start talking earlier than boys. By the age of 3 girls have twice the vocabulary as boys. I just thought it was that boys didn't talk unless they had something important to say. Rather, it has to do with the fact that speech and language are not critical brain skills for us males. (We’ve got better things to do such as hunting, eating and sleeping).

Scientifically you would think that men had access to lots of words, MRI scans reveal that a male accesses the entire left hemisphere of their brain as they search for words. Turns out that there aren’t so many words rattling around inside our brain for us to use.

Another related yet useless fact is that men will pick out a Valentine’s Day card that has lots of words on it so that we have limited room in which to write. I think it is more that we like someone else to say in writing what we can’t say in person, maybe I am just a romantic at heart.

Back to words. When a women talks, she uses the front left hemisphere of her brain and another smaller area in the right hemisphere. By using both sides of their brain, women make great conversationalists. Observe conversations at your next social event, women do most of the talking and men just nod their heads a lot.

Men are comfortable talking quietly to themselves. We like to ponder over things without talking so that we can come to the right conclusion. Why speak when you have nothing important to say is our mantra. When we say that we are going for a quiet beer, that’s what it is, quiet. We can stand at a bar table for long periods without talking. By the way ladies, if we are thinking please leave us alone to ponder, we hate interruptions. Just know that we are working on something.

Women on the other had like to think aloud, that's how they work out their problems. They will talk amongst their friends, (often at the same time), without wanting to necessarily reach a conclusion. This frustrates us men, we want to go straight to problem solving. We fix things fast.

So what is today's lesson? Women are better conversationalists and love to talk, they think aloud, and they just want to talk. Men don't often say too much unless we have something important to say and we just want to be left alone to work it out in our heads. 

And as we know, marriages have been ruined because men don't want to talk. Sorry guys, this has to change. If you want to save your marriage, and your sanity in some situations, we have to learn to talk more.

Men, Women and Maps

For the next couple of days I am going to talk about the difference between men and women. The differences in our brains that is. The way in which the genders view and perceive things are very different which can often lead to great discourse when we don't understand the differences.

Let's start with map reading. Often the start of many arguments when couples of different genders are driving together. It's all related to our spatial ability. Spatial ability is being able to picture in your mind the shape and size of something and to rotate the object and view it from three dimensions.

Brain scans show us that spatial ability in men is mostly on the right side of the brain. It is one of male's strongest abilities. (We do have a few I am told). Like most things that are intuitive, a man's ability to read maps the right way up stems from evolution. When hunting, men had to calculate speed, distance, and movement of their prey. Most men can always point to north no matter where in the world they are, they had to find their way home after hunting.

Unlike men, the spatial ability in women is located in both brain hemispheres. Women didn't need to be as specific about dimensions as men did. Women navigate from images, what they see along the way. Most maps these days will have upright images to provide women with a three dimensional view. That is also why GPS systems have both a 2D & 3D image, the first for men and the second for women.

If a woman is reading a map, she will often turn it around so that she is viewing the map in the direction of travel. Men don't like handing over the navigation to women so the man will tell her to leave the map facing north because he is looking over her shoulder while driving. When she doesn't do so he becomes annoyed.

What is often the failing of men is when they get lost. It is not in our psyche to comprehend that we are lost and when we do we are not going to ask for directions. Doing so would reveal a flaw in our ability to protect our family and men don't have any of those. Women will always ask for help when lost. So the woman will say to the man "Why don't you stop and ask someone." He says "NO" and she becomes annoyed.

The moral of the story - man should let woman turn the map in whichever direction she wants to if he has asked her to navigate. Man should also stop and ask for directions as soon as they are lost. A woman likes a man to take charge but not when they are supposed to be working together.

I Hate Computers

More importantly, I hate computer programs. Here's why.

This morning I had to send an urgent email for my business, after logging into the 'system' I received an error message saying that I was now running an illegal program. I knew that this was not the case, I paid big money for this 'system' 12 months ago. (You can tell already that I know nothing about technology can't you). 

I panicked, I had to get this email away. I searched the ‘system’ and found that my helpdesk in this part of the world is closed. No problem, let's get onto that 24/7 online helpdesk. After a series of questions and answers (2.5 hours) I found out that I am operating on Windows 8.1 platform using Office Professional 2013. (Now I know something about the ‘system’.)

After my 2.5 hours of hair pulling, eye gouging, teeth extracting, fingernail bleeding question and answer session I was told that I would have to purchase an additional support program to continue using my computer. Apparently it is in the small print when you purchase the program, which of course I never read. Who does? 

I am a Baby Boomer. I was born in a simpler time when computers were still being invented. Our education system was simple, learn the 3Rs - reading, writing, and arithmetic. (I'm not quite sure how they became known as the 3Rs, I'll Google that later). If you had these three things nailed you were set for life. And you got most of this stuff from books, you remember, those things that adorn shelves gathering dust.

After paying for and downloading the new Office 365 program my computer still wouldn't work. It kept sending an error messages that made no sense. Back on the phone again. Luckily my son is brilliant with this stuff. He jumped on the computer, (Not literally of course, I had tried that earlier and it didn't work), and within minutes I was able to send the aforementioned important document.

I was delighted, although I had lost at least 2 years off my life expectancy I had sent the important email. A message came straight back "Hello, I am out of the office and back on Monday". What the... 

I then decided that I hate computers, I hate technology, I hate progress. Then I realised of course that I needed my computer, I needed new technology, and I needed progress. We all do. Sometimes we just have to pay for it, both in money and in time learning how to use it.

Become an Optimist

So you want to be happy? To do so you are going to have to fight evolution, your brain, and everything you have ever learned if life. Well, it's not quite that bad but you do have to work at this stuff.

Because our brain is wired negatively - to worry about everything so that you are alert to danger - you have to re-wire it with positive thoughts. And it can be done. 50% of worry is hereditary, the other 50% is from life's learnings so these can be ‘unlearned’.

Positive psychology has been around for a while now, although it has only recently sprung forward as the new way to fix broken brains. Norman Vincent Peale was a Protestant minister who wrote a book called the Power of Positive Thinking in 1952 which for me was the start of my journey to becoming an optimist.

Here are some of the things that he encourages you to employ to change your brain's negative pattern of thoughts, followed by my take on what he meant;

·        Estimate your abilities and raise it be 10% - if you raise your goals too high you will be disappointed when you don't reach your target but do aim a bit higher than what your brain tells you.

·        Make a list of positive and peaceful thoughts and pass them through your mind throughout the day - keeping 'happy' thoughts in our brain form a pattern of behaviour.

·        Audibly repeat positive words throughout the day - use positive words in your conversations rather than negative ones.

·        Adopt an "I don't believe in defeat" attitude - never give up and keep telling yourself that you can.

·        Do not build obstacles in your mind - your brain will want to place barriers to protect you, ignore your brain and go with your gut instinct instead. (Which is actually your brain by the way).

·        Stamp indelibly in your mind a mental picture of you succeeding - visualisation is a powerful tool, go through whatever you want to succeed at in your mind and you will ignite your subconscious to work for you.

·        Start each day by affirming positive, successful, peaceful and happy attitudes and your day will tend to be happy - ignore the negative thoughts that come into your brain first thing in the morning, change them to positive ones.

Norman Vincent Peale knew about positive psychology long before it had a name. He knew that you could change your brain's pattern of behaviour because that is all it is, a pattern of behaviour.

How Do I Stand?

Body language says a lot about you. Your mannerisms indicate your many things including bad habits and undesirable personality traits. So how should you stand or sit to win someone over?

When presenting to an audience keep your feet firmly planted on the ground unless you are walk around the room or across a stage. Keep your movements slow and do not get into a continual pattern of walk as this is distracting.

When sitting it is important to show an open posture with your arms. Sit on the edge of the chair and lean slightly forward. Do not lean too far forward otherwise you will look threatening and don't lean back otherwise you will look defensive. 

Don't sit with your legs apart. In some cultures this is insulting and in most cultures you will look like a ‘player’. Men like to sit back in the chair and fold their arms behind their head, this is comfortable for us. Unfortunately it makes us look like an arrogant pig.

Regardless of whether you are sitting or standing, always remain square-on to your audience. Even if the person is a physical threat to you, you should remain facing them. If you turn sideways you will look defensive and if it is an angry person it will look to them like you want to fight.

Always keep your head up and still. This shows an interest and also keeps the carotid artery open so that you can get that much needed blood into your brain. Slow nods of the head are good when talking to an angry person.

Lastly, maintain about 60 to 80% eye contact in general conversations. Any less than that makes you look shifty and any more than that a bit creepy. For angry people use about 30 to 60% of eye contact. To control a conversation, look at the person when you are talking and look away when it is their turn to talk.