Changing Habits

I read somewhere that it takes just 21 days to change a habit, that's fantastic I thought. In just 3 weeks I can change a pattern of behaviour, learn a new habit, get rid of those horrible thoughts, and become a new person in no time at all.

Unfortunately whoever started this 'myth' was either being optimistic, encouraging you to at least try to start changing, misinterpreted the original information or was simply being disingenuous.

You cannot change a habit in 21 days, I am sorry, it doesn't quite work like that. There maybe a recent habit that you can change in 21 days, perhaps a word that you learned, a facial expression you started using, or maybe a physical 'tick' that just suddenly appeared. But not a lifetime habit, or one that is associated with evolution.

So how long does it take to change a habit? It depends. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the brain. You are fighting a lifetime of learning, sometimes even generations of habit. Generally, it takes between 60 to 80 days to change a habit of a lifetime.

There are some important rules to follow when changing a habit;

• Stick to it - A new habit has to become a habit but will only become a habit if you do it habitually!
• Don't change it - If you continually play around with your new habit by altering the pattern it won't become a pattern.
• Habits need hard work - Don't give up just because it hasn't worked as fast as you had hoped it would.
• Small steps - If your habit is a big one, break it into small bits. Change a little at a time.
• Share your habit - If you have a close friend who is also changing a habit, work together to support each other.

Don't be disappointed if you can't change your habit, after all you are only human. Maybe you were meant to have that habit.

Keep An Open Mind

I am often amazed and annoyed at new gadgets, at new ideas, and when meeting new people. Amazed at how wonderful the new 'thing' is and annoyed that my brain had told me to immediately ignore it.

I often dismiss new inventions because my brain tells me that 1) I don't need it, 2) Hasn't it been done before, 3) It won't work, and 4) Don't complicate your life more than you should. The same goes for new ideas, "There are no new ideas just new ways of going things" my brain says.

New people really scare my brain. "What do they want", "They don't care about you", "Keep away from them because they will just hurt you". If they have an accent, dress unusually, or look a bit different then my brain shouts, "Look out!"

A lot of that comes from my upbringing. A sheltered life, middle class, military family, living in small communities. Then I became a tradesman, the community was now even smaller. Being a cop didn't help, I met lots of people but they were always hurting someone.

Now that I am out in the wide world working across diverse organisations full of diverse ideas with diverse people, my brain is silent. I am unsure if it is overwhelmed, still catching up, or simply letting me do the thinking for myself. I hope it is the latter.

I now love looking at new gadgets, reading about new ideas, and meeting new people. I am more relaxed, I am full of intrigue, and I am in control of my brain. It's a wonderful world that we live in if we just open our mind and ignore what our brain tells us when we come across new things.

Not everything in the world is there to hurt us, we must ensure that if it does then we learn from the experience and move on. Life is too short to walk around with a closed mind.

What Can We Learn From The Very Young?

Watching very young children at play can be one of the most enlightening things that we can do to build our resilience if we follow their lead. As I grandpa, I get to do this. Here's what I learned;

• Prejudice - Young children do not pre-judge, they see only young people just like them.
• Talk - They talk, a lot. Only those of the same age know what they are saying, but they are fully engaged in their gibberish.
• Your turn, my turn - When they are speaking, the other sits and listens.
• Share - They will share their toys. If they don't want to share, they hold the toy tight and rather than cause a fuss the other will find another toy to play with. 
• Compassion - If one grabs a toy from the other and the other begins to cry, the first will also begin to cry and most likely hand over the toy.
• Laughter - Children laugh, more than any other age. 
• Sleep - The very young know that sleep is important. They get cranky, rub their eyes, and cry when it is time for bed. 
• Adventurous - Boys in particular know no fears, they like to explore and try different things.
• Playful - They will choose simple things to play with and play with them until they have exhausted every way of playing with it.
• Forgive - If they have a fight with another, it is over and forgotten in a short space of time.
• Eat well - The only reason children like sugary foods is because we give it to them. Young kids will eat good food if you use the right words - yum, yum.
• Emotion - They aren't afraid to show emotion. If they are unhappy or sad they will cry, if they are happy they will smile and laugh.
• Ask - If they are having trouble, they will ask for help.
• Never give up - If they refuse help they will keep trying until they have tried every way.

I could go on, there are many ways in which we can learn from the very young. Innocence is lost as we grow and begin to take on learnings from our main influencers, our family and peers. Our attitude and perception becomes somewhat distorted.

Become young again, look at your attitude and perception and mirror the innocent behaviour of the very young.

How To Get Through The Week

Oh no, Monday has arrived. And there are five long days to go until party time. So what is going to happen this week, probably what happens every week.

I can expect a flurry of excitement once I arrive at work on a Monday as people talk about their weekend, that will last about 15 minutes.  This will be followed by a busy time working out what I have to do today, that's another 10 minutes gone. 

Then I will have the obligatory Monday morning meeting because apparently all of the information given to me on Friday has somehow fallen out of our head over the weekend. That meeting will go for far too long, at least we are now at 10:00. Now what?

Oh that's right, morning tea. Now we can sit around and talk about what a great weekend we all had, just like we did 2 hours ago. Perhaps a bit more detail though and a bit more laughing.

Back to the desk, let's start work. First email, nope, I'll do that one later because it looks like too much effort. Next email, they want me to do what? I'll need clarification on that so let's send it back to delay it more and look at the next one.

Third time lucky, I can do this one. Wow, look at the time, it's 10:30. Time's just flying by. And so it goes for the next six hours, then the next day, and then hump day (the middle of the week), but Thursday is after hump-day so I will slump down again.

Friday is here at last, which means that the weekend is just one day away. Don't Friday's just fly by? Talk to someone on a Friday and they will tell you how busy they are, and they are busy trying to get the work done that they were supposed to be doing over the last four days.

I wonder what would happen if I treated every day like a Friday? If I got stuck in to my work and went flat out. Time would certainly fly by, I would get a lot of work done, I wouldn't be procrastinating over the work I hated doing, I could ask for more work and start to get noticed by my boss, and doing more work would mean more variety.

And throughout the week when I felt down I could look forward to the end of the day, to the weekend coming up, to something exciting I had to do in a few weeks’ time, maybe even start planning an overseas holiday. That would keep my brain distracted and happy when I felt a bit down. Mind you if I got stuck into my work I probably wouldn’t feel so down, I would be achieving something, feeling like I was part of a team, feeling a sense of satisfaction.

Or I could just wallow in 'Mondayitis'. 

Can You Learn To Be Resilient?

I read yesterday that you cannot teach nor can you learn resilience. I was floored by this statement. It frightened me for two reasons; the first being I have a business which focusses on building resilience in people, the second is because I once "fell over" and now worry that it will happen again if I cannot build resilience within myself.

So I have spent the last 24 hours searching, reading, reviewing, and finalising my findings. YES, you can teach resilience and YES you can learn to be resilient. Recent research is overwhelmingly positive on this. (You can stop reading now if you wish!).

I will come back to the word 'positive' shortly but let's look at the word 'recent'. The majority of detractors I have read discussing resilience are those from a different generation. That's a nice way of saying the older people. Not all of them, just a few who have come out strongly against having the ability to learn to be resilient.

'Positive' psychology, from what I can determine, has been around for a while. But it would appear that positive psychology has made enormous leaps in recent years by advocates such as Martin Seligman. In Australia and New Zealand we have a wave of younger psychologists who are doing fantastic work in this area. They are open to new ideas and keep abreast of new research. And they speak in plain language.

I have read many many (that's lots of) books on psychology in a selfish attempt to help myself. The books that resonate the most for me were those who spoke of positive psychology. You see, it is not about the form of psychology used to get my head right, it is about finding the form that works for me. And positive psychology for me works, it works very well.

The methods used in positive psychology make sense. If you focus on thinking about positive things surely your brain will become accustomed to only thinking positively? A simplistic view perhaps but one that again works for me. And it works for others as I have found over the last 8 years of teaching communication and resilience.

I was fortunate enough to present at a wellbeing retreat run by the Auckland University of Technology this weekend. The programme I that I run is based on positive psychology and what I have found worked for me. The attendees of the resilience workshop enjoyed the session and each took away something to help themselves. It resonated with them not because of the facilitator, because it felt right.

To those who say that you cannot teach or learn resilience I say, why not? What if we were all different and side-stepped in another direction to traditional methods? What if psychology was about to make another leap forward, what if we took a holistic view at looking after our brain in the same way that we take a holistic view at looking after our body.

The answer for me is simple, (because I am a simple man), if it works then use it. If you haven't tried it, do so. After all what do you have to lose except your sanity?