Will You Be My Friend?

Yesterday I had three meetings to further my business prospects.  Two meetings were with people I had planned to meet as I already had been in contact with them through previous contact, one meeting came out of nowhere.

I was reluctant to go to that particular meeting as I had not meet the young lady and it seemed to me that the meeting was probably a waste of time for us both.  However, I learned many years ago before I commenced my own business that you just never know where these meetings may take you.

The meeting yesterday originated from LinkedIn. After connecting, we exchanged a couple of messages and left it at that.  Because there was this connection, I was again contacted by Maria who thought I might like to work for one of her clients.  I was reluctant to meet, "I don't think she has any idea of what I do" I told myself.

On the day of our meeting I received a message from Maria saying that her client was reconsidering his position and did I want to delay the meeting until she had confirmation to proceed.  No, let's meet anyway.  This was my chance to tell her that she is way off track, I have no interest in what her client is offering, but thanks anyway.

We met.  Maria immediately said that she did not think I was the right person for her client and went off on a slight tangent to what the meeting was originally organised for.  What transpired was that there was synergy with my work and that of her client and there is a possible opportunity of working collaboratively in the future.

Will I meet with this client, you bet. You just never know where these things will lead you.  So, extend your network, go to that meeting, and talk to as many people as you can.  Plant the seed and you will grow. 

Are You In Control?

Regardless of the type of communication that you find difficult, you will be pleased to know that there is an easy way of controlling what you say and how you say it if you adhere to a few simple rules.  The most difficult communication is of course our response to someone who criticises us or our work.  For those who have followed my blog you will know how to do this already.   

Maintain your self-control, don’t get mad or frustrated, and trust your instinct more so than your head. Why? When someone says something that irks us, we have an automatic emotion alert mechanism that is linked to our fight or flight response.  Your neurons will race across to the right side of the brain therefore any logic thought stemming from your frontal lobe has vanished.  As your emotions are heightened your brain will be sending the wrong signals, albeit doing so in your defence. 

Rule one – don’t say the first thing that comes into your head because it is always wrong.  Go with your gut instinct, not your head.  Know that it is actually your head that gives you your gut instinct, it’s just a different part of your brain that isn’t affected by emotions. 

Rule two – Take a deep breath, make it a quiet breath though. Getting oxygen to your brain is important so that you can think clearly.  Oxygenated blood is thinner than blood containing cortisol which was released into your blood when you got angry.  The neurons (electrical signals) will work better in thin blood. Taking a breath will also allow you time to think about what to say.

Rule three – Maintain a clam external demeanour. 55% of communication is non-verbal so if you clench your fists or fold your arms you will look like you are ready to fight.

Rule four - Your tone of voice and volume must be controlled.  The way something is said is five times more important than what is actually said, even more so if the communication is over the phone.  If you raise your voice, the other person will raise there’s. Keep your tone and volume just under the other person’s level and they will come down to your level.  

Lastly, you are the most important person but it is important that they don’t see this.  Be humble and you will be respected for your ability to communicate effectively while under attack.

Are You Preparing to Fail?

There is a well-used saying that goes something like 'Failing to prepare is preparing to fail'.  A great saying when it comes to preparing for a presentation, a meeting, anywhere that your emotions are likely to get in the way of you making a great delivery.

So how do you prepare.  Research tells us that our brain can only adequately work on three things at any one time when we are under pressure.  This is why politicians are told to focus on three key themes during media interviews or when they are making a public statement.

The problem with doing this limited preparation is that you are no longer ready for what might eventuate such as when being asked questions from the audience.  If these questions are being asked by the media you can guarantee that they have conducted a lot of background checks on you and they will have a few curly questions ready.

When preparing for these types of meetings and presentations, write down your three key themes and then have five strands coming from each theme.  An explanation; for the first point you want to make write five additional points that are linked to this main point.  An easy way to do this is to ask yourself, "if they ask me this question about my main point then I will answer it this way". 

You will now have 15 things that you can say but remain with the original three key messages.  By doing this you are also preparing your brain for the unexpected.  It is very much like preparing for a job interview.  Remember how you prepared so hard for the interview yet they never asked you any of the questions that you had prepared for?  Nevertheless you could answer the questions because your brain was 'warmed up' and prepared to defend you from the unexpected. 

Can I Change?

At a two-day workshop I ran earlier this week, I had one person who made a comment "I can never change, I've been like this all of my life". What disappointed me was I had just spent 2 days telling him that he could change....

Maybe there are some people that just don't want to change, perhaps that's more to the point.  If you want to make a change in your life you have to be open to suggestions and then to work hard at making the change.  There is no quick fix to changing a life-time of habits, sorry. 

Let's start at the beginning - apart from genetic differences most of us are born the same.  By this I mean that we don't have habits, perceptions, fears, prejudices, or the myriad of other factors that get in the way of living life. To prove this fact, take a moment to watch very young children playing in a Kindergarten. They will play together, share toys, laugh at each other, help each other, and enjoy their own company regardless of how their friends look and behave.

As we grow and learn, our brain starts to take on the factors mentioned above, and with these we form our habits.  The good news is that just as a habit is learned, it can be unlearned by repetition. 

Take the example I started with, the man who said he could never change.  He said that as he had come from England and went straight into the military from High School, he had such a structured upbringing he could never change.  I asked him if during his military career “had the army ever changed the weapons they used in combat”.  “Of course they did” he replied.  And how did you learn to use that weapon, of course by repetition.  He stopped and pondered, oh I get it now.

Yes, it takes time.  And yes, it is damn hard work.  Don't believe those who tell you it takes 21 days to change a habit, it takes about 60 to 66 days.  However, you will notice a slight change after 21 days and it becomes easier from that point forward.

A leopard cannot change its spots because that is their genetic makeup.  What they can do is learn to hunt a different way.  You can too.

Are You Assertive or Aggressive

Do you often find that something that you have said in a conversation or written in an email has caused an adverse reaction in the other person and you don't know why? It could be that your communication style is too aggressive.

Aggressive communication makes you look like a bully and sends a message that you are right and everyone else is wrong. It provokes anger, resentment and sometimes a desire for revenge. Words in a sentence such as unforgivable, unacceptable, and idiotic are examples of aggressive words. Additionally, these words introduce the defence cycle in communication. The listener/reader becomes angry, wants revenge, goes on the defence and says something that inflames the situation. You then become angry, want revenge, well you get the picture. Incidentally the communication defence cycle is similar to the anger, violence, grief and sleep cycles as all have five parts to them.

Assertive communication on the other hand is based on mutual respect and is not just about what you say but also about the way that you say it. Assertiveness displays your message better, respects the view of others and shows confidence. Instead of using the word 'unacceptable', try the word 'unhelpful'. Replace 'breaching privacy is unforgiveable' with 'I'm sure that you will agree that we all value our privacy'. Rather than say 'to disregard policy is outrageous', use 'we must be cautious when disregarding policy'. You can temper your adjectives without necessarily changing the message.

Positive and assertive communications when used together are empowering. Positive communication focuses on moving forward, are solution based, and concentrate on the positive aspect of the message. If looking back on something that has gone wrong, examine the cause and not the issue. Always end a message by offering a way forward. If you structure your written and oral communications in this way people are sure to read them.

Finally, unless you are preparing a formal report for the Board of Directors, keep your communication short and sharp. Research tells us that very few formal reports are fully read, most people go straight to the executive summary because they aren’t interested in the detail. If the detail is shorter, you will encourage them to read the entire document.