I received an email recently from someone who had just finished reading my book Behind the Tape.
She told me about her traumatic experiences with police back in 1988 and 1989.
Apparently, she and her friends used to park up at Milford Beach on the North Shore, doing what generations of Kiwi teenagers have done for decades: nothing.
She recalled being pulled out of cars by police on several occasions while asleep in the back seat.
Her conclusion, the police were bored. According to my book, apparently that was all my fault.
There was only one small problem - I didn't join the police until 1992.
A bit like blaming Richie McCaw for losing the 1987 World Cup.
I replied politely and pointed out that during the period she was referring to, I wasn't a police officer at all.
In fact, I was in the same age group being regularly stopped myself.
I reminded her that the New Zealand Bill of Rights didn't arrive until 1990 and policing in the 1980s looked very different from policing today.
A reply arrived - "Thanks, Lance. I know it wasn't you..." Followed by several colourful observations about police.
Then she finished with: "Great book BTW."
That's when I laughed.
If I'm honest, twenty years ago I might have read that first email and immediately gone into defence mode.
I would have felt misunderstood, I might have rushed to explain, I might even have become a little (lot) grumpy.
These days I'm learning that people often aren't looking for a fight; they're just looking for somewhere to put a feeling.
Sometimes they're carrying around a story that's been sitting with them for forty years. Sometimes they just need to vent.
The lesson for me, before responding, is to take a moment to breathe out!
Make sure you're actually being accused before launching into your defence.
Sometimes the person having the argument is you, and the other person doesn't even know they're in it yet.
Let’s talk!
Take A Moment.