Blinded by the light - often a challenge when presenting and a great metaphor for life.
Sometimes we stand in the spotlight, unable to see who we’re speaking to. We feel alone.
But connection isn’t about visibility. It’s about presence. It’s being in the moment, and being grounded.
A blinding spotlight and a sea of shadows. I couldn’t see a single face in the audience at the University of Auckland ASPIRE conference.
And I was nervous, I always am. I hope those nerves never leave me - for this is a sign that we are truly present.
You’d think after years of presenting, the nerves would fade. They don’t. But I’ve learned that nerves aren’t the enemy; disconnection is.
When you can’t see your audience, it’s hard to connect. But connection isn’t just visual. Connection is emotional, intentional, and authentic.
After the talk, many people came up to say how much they enjoyed it.
That reminded me of something important – we often judge our life by how we feel and not by how we are received.
If you’re someone who gets nervous, someone who feels that they aren’t connecting, someone who feels lost and alone, here are a few things that might help:
1. Breathe and move – slow your breathing and move by doing anything, it calms your body and mind.
2. Speak to one person, even if you can’t see them – talk with a friend who is not there with you, to someone who has passed, to a higher power.
3. Let your nerves remind you that you care – nerves let us know that we are feeling, that we are present, that we are alive.
4. Focus on presence, not perfection – being in the moment, being grounded, and awakening our senses brings us to reality.
To anyone who’s ever stood in the spotlight and felt alone, you are never alone. And chances are, you’re connecting more than you know.
We are better and stronger than we think we are, we just don’t know it.
Let’s talk!
What It Means To Be a Stale, Pale, Male Today
What It Means To Be a Stale, Pale, Male Today.
The phrase “stale, pale, male” has often been used critically or satirically, but unpacking what it means today can open up a deeper conversation about identity.
Once a label used to describe the old guard, the men who held power by default - “stale, pale, male” has become a mirror.
A mirror that asks: Who are you now? What do you stand for? Are you still listening?
To be a “stale, pale, male” today is to feel the shifting ground beneath our feet.
It’s watching the world evolve. A world that is moving faster, that is is more inclusive, and is leaving us wondering where we fit in.
It’s hearing the call for change and realising that silence is no longer neutral. It’s not about shame. It’s about awareness, and not about being ‘woke’.
It’s a chance to move from defensiveness to self-awareness, from silence to meaningful conversations, from power to purpose.
It’s about recognising that privilege isn’t a curse; it’s a responsibility. That experience isn’t outdated; it’s a foundation. That masculinity isn’t broken; it’s being redefined.
To be a “stale, pale, male” today is to choose relevance over resentment. It’s to lean into discomfort, to unlearn and to relearn.
It’s to show up not as the authority, but as the ally. Not as the voice, but as the listener.
So, if you’ve ever felt dismissed by the label, ask yourself: What story do I want to tell next?
Because the truth is:
- You aren't stale unless you stop growing.
- You aren't pale unless you stop seeing.
- You aren't just male; you are human.
And being human means you still have the power to change.
If you have ever felt boxed in by this label, know this: you are not alone, and you are not stuck. The path forward is real and it starts with a single decision - to show up differently.
Let’s talk.
My Traits!
For years, I carried traits that shaped how I showed up in the world - imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and OCD.
They influenced my decisions, my relationships, and importantly, how I saw myself. Someone who felt as though they didn’t fit in.
It wasn’t until I took the time to understand where these traits came from that I began to truly understand who I am.
These weren’t flaws, they were simply responses. Responses I had learned from past experiences, environments and expectations.
👉 Imposter Syndrome – often stems from early experiences of high expectations, comparison, or inconsistent validation. My success was tied to external approval rather than internal confidence.
👉 Perfectionism – can develop in environments where mistakes aren't safe, or where love and acceptance feel conditional on achievement. I was continuously scolded and punished for not being able to focus.
👉 OCD is more complex - it’s a mental health condition with both neurological and psychological components. For me, was also a way to create control in a world that felt unsafe.
Understanding how these traits developed supported me in making peace with who I am. I wasn’t broken, I was responding in the only way I knew how.
Understanding yourself isn’t always easy. It takes great courage to look inward, to critique oneself.
But it’s one of the most powerful things you can do; not just for your own growth, but for the people you care about.
If you have ever felt like you’re not enough, or like you must be perfect to be accepted, you are not alone.
You are not broken. You are human. Fragile, vulnerable, yet so important to others.
Let’s talk!
💭 “I didn’t know how to say it… so I didn’t."
💭 “I didn’t know how to say it… so I didn’t."
Ever felt that way?
When we’re going through something hard, silence can feel safer than talking. But that silence can also become a cage.
🧱 Here are some of the reasons we don’t talk when we are hurting:
We’re scared of being judged - “What if they think I’m weak?”
We feel ashamed - “I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
We’re overwhelmed - “I don’t even know where to start.”
We don’t want to be a burden - “They’ve got their own stuff.”
We’ve been hurt before - “Last time I opened up, it didn’t go well.”
We think we should be able to handle it alone - “I just need to toughen up.”
But here’s what neuroscience and research reveal about talking.
🧠 Talking helps more than you might think:
🗣️ Talking calms our brain – When we express what we are feeling, our brain shifts from overthinking to processing. It’s like turning on a light in a dark room.
🗣️ Connection heals – Safe conversations release oxytocin, the “bonding hormone,” which soothes our nervous system and helps us feel less alone.
🗣️ Words bring clarity – Talking helps us untangle the emotional knots inside of our heads.
🗣️ It breaks the anxiety loop - As I share in Anxiety is a Worry, silence can fuel anxiety. Talking interrupts the worry spiral and brings us back to the present.
🗣️ It rewires your brain for resilience – Each time we speak and feel heard, our brain learns that it is safe to feel, it is safe to share.
You don’t have to tell everyone everything, but telling someone something can change everything!
If this speaks to you, maybe it’s time to speak to someone.
And if someone you care about has gone quiet lately, maybe they just need you to ask twice – “Let’s talk!”
How to Ask Your Supervisor for Something You're Dreading to Ask For
Most of us put off hard conversations - not because we’re weak, but because we care how they’re received.
Keep these tips in mind the next time you’re nervous to speak up:
🔎 Start by preparing yourself. Get clear on why you're making the request - what’s driving it, and what outcome you’re hoping for. Keep it clear, specific, and easy to explain.
⏰ Pick your moment. Timing can make all the difference. Choose a time when your supervisor isn’t under pressure, and ideally when they’re more likely to be receptive and present.
💬 Be direct and honest, without being blunt. Clearly and respectfully state what you need, explaining why it matters both to you and to them. Clarity builds trust and makes it easier for them to understand your perspective.
🤝 Stay flexible and avoid coming on too strong. Pushing too hard can create resistance, and setting a rigid bottom line might close doors. Being open to compromise shows professionalism and increases your chances of a positive outcome.
💡 Offer solutions when you can. Suggest practical ways to address your request that make it easier for your supervisor to say yes. Showing you’ve thought things through demonstrates initiative and consideration.
🧘♂️ Remain calm and open to feedback. Listen carefully to their concerns without getting defensive. Showing you appreciate their input builds respect and keeps the conversation constructive.
🌟 Keep it positive and professional. Staying composed and confident helps set the tone and shows you’re serious and respectful throughout the conversation.
Remember: asking for what you need is a sign of confidence and professionalism.
Let's talk!