Be kind we are advised; people just need to be kind to each other. We most certainly should be kind to everyone, more so in these shifting times. However, how can we be kind when our evolutionary automatic default setting is anger (fight)? And, what about if we have always used anger to get our own way, or that anger is what our parents used against us to get us to do what they wanted from us therefore we learned from them, or perhaps our bucket of negative 'stuff'' is completely full and this latest event is the last straw, or perhaps if we are suddenly surprised or threatened, or....
The reasons for becoming angry are many and they vary according to each one of us. Hence, treating people the way that we would want to be treated is not helpful, our benchmark differs to that of others. Treat people with humanity might be the new measure.
Like most things in life, understanding where our behaviour emanates can be helpful. We each learn from many influencers - from genetics, from the very first thing we tried, from the very first thing that we are told, from those immediately around us, from reading books or watching movies - everything that we have done in our lives forms our behaviour. And for each of us, that is very different.
What makes angry behaviour such a challenge to change, apart from the fact it is closely linked to our strongest emotion of fear, is that we are creatures who like to operate in patterns. If a pattern worked when we first tried it and we continued to use it with success then it will be very difficult to change that pattern. We form a neural pathway.
The most obvious way to change our behaviour when we get angry is to practice, practice, and practice the new pattern. It is said that we have to do something 90 times before our pattern, or neural pathway, is modified.
There are however other ways. For me, I have always been an angry person. It may sound strange to those who know what I do for a job, coaching on de-escalation of tense situations, but honesty is important to me. At my age, changing my pattern is a real challenge, but I am working on it.
Be humble, count to 10, take a deep breathe, show the other cheek, rely on karma, walk away, and a myriad of other methods are things that we can try in order to reduce our anger. Admittedly, I am not as angry as I once was, but the anger often comes out when I am in a rush. Slowing down is another trait that I am working hard on!
Therefore, I am trying a new method to change my pattern of angry outbursts which is working incredibly well to modify my pattern, far greater than any other method I have tried. That method is to stop and thank one person a day who I might not otherwise thank.
It is much more than just being polite or automatically saying thank you, it is deliberately going out of my way to thank someone for doing something that they might not otherwise get thanked for.
While out for a jog last evening, I noticed a young lady about to sit down on a park bench beside an estuary, to have her break. She was wearing an oversized city council raincoat and had just finished cleaning the public toilets where I jog. As I ran past I realised that it was 5 pm on a Saturday when most people were relaxing. She was at work.
Returning to her, I thanked her for what she does. She looked a little surprised at this strange person all covered in sweat and asked "When was this?" "Now and every day you make this place clean for us" was my reply. With an embarrassed smile she said "Oh, thank you so much". "Meri Kirihimete" I replied and jogged off.
I have no idea what she thought nor whether it had an impact on her, her smile said everything. I just hope it made her know that what she was doing was making a difference. Making her feel good is what I wanted. Since then, I have not stopped thinking about how good it felt to make her feel good. There's something in this altruism thing, of that there is no doubt.
Being kind to another does take a little bit of effort when it is outside of our usual pattern and the more we practice it the easier it becomes to the point where it could eventually replace our anger. Eventually. And until it does, think of all the kindness that you have shared to that point.
It is said it takes nothing to be kind, well it does, it takes a little piece of our time. And haven't we all got just a little bit of time to say 'thank you' at the moment?
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Or learn more in our online courses:
The Brain: Emotions and Breathing
Dealing with Emotional People
Unconscious and Confirmation Bias