Most of us put off hard conversations - we care how they’re received and how we’re perceived.
Keep these tips in mind the next time you’re nervous to speak up:
🔎 Start by preparing yourself. Get clear on why you're making the request - what’s driving it, and what outcome you’re hoping for. Keep it clear, specific, and easy to explain.
⏰ Pick your moment. Timing can make all the difference. Choose a time when your supervisor isn’t under pressure, and ideally when they’re more likely to be receptive and present.
💬 Be direct and honest, without being blunt. Clearly and respectfully state what you need, explaining why it matters both to you and to them. Clarity builds trust and makes it easier for them to understand your perspective.
🤝 Stay flexible and avoid coming on too strong. Pushing too hard can create resistance, and setting a rigid bottom line might close doors. Being open to compromise shows professionalism and increases your chances of a positive outcome.
💡 Offer solutions when you can. Suggest practical ways to address your request that make it easier for your supervisor to say yes. Showing you’ve thought things through demonstrates initiative and consideration.
🧘♂️ Remain calm and open to feedback. Listen carefully to their concerns without getting defensive. Showing you appreciate their input builds respect and keeps the conversation constructive.
🌟 Keep it positive and professional. Staying composed and confident helps set the tone and shows you’re serious and respectful throughout the conversation.
Remember: asking for what you need is a sign of confidence and professionalism.
Let's talk!
Second Edition!
Ten years ago, I wrote my first book, Behind the Tape: Life on the Police Front Line.
I had no idea whether anyone would read it.
It was simply my story. Twenty-two years in the New Zealand Police, much of it spent as a crisis negotiator. The lessons, challenges, triumphs and internal scars that came with the job.
A decade later, I am humbled to say the book has been reprinted four times.
Today, I'm excited to announce the release of the Second Edition of Behind the Tape, now published entirely by us and proudly printed here in New Zealand.
The words inside haven't changed, because the stories and the people who shaped them remain just as important today as they were when I first wrote them.
What has changed is the cover, the publisher, and the fact that copies are now available directly through our website.
I want to sincerely thank everyone who has bought a copy, shared it with friends, left a review, or taken the time to send me a message about how the book resonated with them. You are the reason this book is still alive ten years on.
There's another milestone on the horizon.
My fourth and final book is due for release next year and has been picked up by HarperCollins New Zealand. If someone had told the inexperienced constable I once was that this would happen, I wouldn't have believed them.
For now, though, I'm simply grateful.
Grateful for the journey, grateful for the support, and very grateful that Behind the Tape continues to find its way into the hands of new readers.
The Second Edition is available now through our website.
Focus On Them.
How can we diffuse emotions in difficult conversations? 🧐The secret is to never let an emotion pass without acknowledging it in some way.
Here’s how we acknowledge emotions in crisis communications, and how you can start implementing it in your conversations.
In crisis intervention, we say "You sound..." and then describe the emotion. For example, you would say "You sound angry" to a person who is yelling.
While this works in crisis situations, it is too extreme for everyday communications.
👉 Phrases such as “This sounds important to you, I can hear that”, or “I can hear that you are frustrated” are good emotion labels for angry people.
If someone tells us about a tragic event, many of us say “I’m sorry for your loss”. This works, but when we use the word sorry, it can have an impact on us personally - sorry is very much a personal word.
💡 It might be better to say “I can’t imagine what that is like” or “Would you like to take a minute?” or perhaps “How can I make this easier for you?” You are still acknowledging the emotion (sadness) but keeping it at arm's length.
Don’t worry if you don’t get the emotion correct; the person will soon tell you 🫢. They might say "Angry, you have no idea!" or "I'm not angry, I am just damn well frustrated".
You might reply, "Tell me more about what happened," to angry people, or "Let's get this sorted quickly for you" to those who are sad.
Remember that it is all about them, not you. Focus on their needs first, and your reward will follow.
Let's talk!
Tears Bond Us!
Last week I was interviewed by a journalist; we've spoken several times over the years, and I value his professionalism.
Eighteen months ago, one conversation we had took an unexpected turn.
We stopped talking about the story and began talking about life and the trials many of us have had.
The journalist shared that he had lost a sibling to suicide.
I spoke about my own battle with depression during my police years. Before long, two people were sitting opposite each other with tears running down their cheeks.
No cameras, no interview, no professional roles.
Just two human beings sharing the pain of love and loss.
More recently, at the end of every conversation, this journalist always thanks me for taking the time to talk.
Yesterday, without thinking, I said something that surprised even me.
"No need to thank me; we are brothers now."
He looked puzzled.
I said, "Because we've shed tears together, and tears are closer than blood."
It stopped the conversation.
The older I get, the more I realise that some of the strongest bonds in life are not formed through genetics, titles, rank, wealth, or status.
They are formed in moments of vulnerability.
When someone trusts you enough to let you see their pain, when masks come off, when human beings stop performing and start connecting.
That moment of sharing and caring builds and strengthens bonds.
Maybe that's why so many people feel lonely today. We're surrounded by people but starving for connection.
Perhaps what we need isn't more followers, friends, or contacts. Perhaps we simply need more courage to let someone see our tears.
Sometimes tears don't make us weaker; sometimes they make us family.
Let’s talk!
The Great Dilemma!
A dilemma.
In business we constantly make difficult decisions, this one has me perplexed.
When demolishing our old kitchen we uncovered a solid floor safe.
The decision I have to make is: should we use an expert to try and open it; try to unlock it ourselves as we've often watched on TV; or should we dig it out and use an angle grinder and hope for the best.
Our HSW manager says that I am not allowed to use explosives, such a killjoy.
The dilemma, if we get an expert or try to open it ourselves in the conventional manner, there are only three opportunities to open it before the failsafe activates meaning it can never be opened using the tumbler!
Perhaps we should just cover it back over and let somebody else make the decision. It wouldn't be the first time decisions are left for someone else to make.
However, if we leave it for someone else we might always wonder what, if anything, was inside the safe.
The newest member of the WARN team wants to have a go before any decision is made. To be honest, he's probably more qualified than we are given digging up treasure is in his DNA.
UPDATE - after four brokenn drill bits, managed to view the contents = Newspaper!