Loss of life, loss of control, loss of dignity, loss of... We fear just one thing in life - loss.
The stronger the emotional connection to that loss, the stronger the pain we feel.
Losing anything dear to us will often leave us feeling lost. When we are lost we feel alone, in a void of nothingness. The void will be quickly filled with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, the list is endless.
There is another way to fill that void, rejuvenate positive AND negative memories of the loss to reignite the full memory and strengthen it. A big part of losing a loved one is the fear of losing the memory of them.
Whilst well-meaning, we are told that we should remember the good times we had with that person. This can be difficult to do in the immediacy after the loss, and probably more so once we've worked our way through the grief - if we ever in fact are able to do so.
It's like saying when you are having dark thoughts simply think of something happy or when your mood is low think of something joyful to lift your spirits.
Why should we remember the bad times as well as the good?
A study in April 2023 examined a technique known as Processing of Positive Memories Technique. The study was developed for those with PTSD who often have trouble processing positive memories. The controlled interventions focused on enhancing the retrieval of both traumatic and positive memories to benefit their overall well-being.
Participants reported they felt that discussing past memories promoted gratitude, hope, and positivity about current life-circumstances. Furthermore, they noticed immediate and tangible benefits such as improved mood that lasted even after the session ended.
Recalling past memories provided a helpful perspective on past events by balancing out the positive memories with the negative ones, and how the good and bad interrelated. Participants felt this made their treatment more personal.
Importantly, it helped promote their confidence, their positive emotions, and their safety to allow them to be comfortable in reliving the memories. This made it much easier for PTSD sufferers to transition the techniques into their daily lives.
Simple examples of what you and I can do to refresh memories when suffering a loss include:
* Looking through photographs and videos.
* Going to places that our loved one would visit with us.
* Eating food that you both enjoyed.
* Doing activities that you loved doing together.
* Most importantly - talk with others more openly and honestly about who you have lost.
Anything that uses our five senses to invoke memories - sight, sound, touch, hearing, or smelling. The olfactory system (smell) is very powerful.
It is okay to remember the bad memories, for these will be balanced out with the positive ones leaving you with a much stronger emotional connection with the loss.
It is not just about the good times after all, it is also about the bad times. For memories are made of them both!
Let's Talk!
The Power of Silence!
As humans, we thrive on communication - we love to talk and we love to be heard. We can use silence to get more out of our conversations, say less to learn more.
How can we do this effectively?
👉 The effective pause - An effective pause is a brief moment of silence, strategically placed at the beginning or end of an important statement to emphasize what you're saying. It's like adding verbal bold or underlining to reinforce your message.
This short pause grabs the listener’s attention, making them focus intently on your next words. Just be careful not to pause too long, or the other person may interrupt with a question, and your key point could be lost.
Silence—complete stillness without speaking—is a longer pause.
👉 When someone is speaking rapidly, staying silent allows you to better identify their problem. Letting them continue without interruption helps them maintain their flow of thoughts. Interrupting mid-sentence is like stopping someone in the middle of a sprint; they’ll need to start again slowly, rebuilding momentum.
👉 Silence is also powerful when dealing with dishonesty. After a questionable statement, resist the urge to respond immediately. Your silence signals doubt, often prompting the other person to reveal more or reconsider their position.
If the person is lying and asks if you are listening, respond with “Yes, and I want to ensure I record what you have said accurately”. This is a way of signalling that you disbelieve their last sentence and recording it for future reference.
👉 A further use of silence is when someone is reluctant to talk.
Generally, the less that someone is talking the more we have to talk as this will encourage dialogue. If this doesn’t work however then resort to saying nothing and wait for a response. They will eventually ask if you are still there and you respond with “Yes, and I want to hear what you have to say”.
Let's talk!
Learning To Learn!
Having never been shown how to learn or study, I found school very difficult. I could have asked for help, but that did not come naturally to me.
We are all born with curiosity and if we feed our curiosity with information that we want to learn then learning becomes enjoyable and we learn more.
When I was shown how to learn, how to remember, and how to put words into a logical order - I was hooked on learning, studying, and writing.
In his book How the Brain Learns, David Sousa describes that we get excited when we learn if learning is fun - we enjoy it, we learn faster, we learn more, and our learning lasts much longer.
The alternative to enjoying what we learn is to have a motivator to work towards. My first diploma was in policing, and my motivation when studying was to qualify as a detective and for promotion.
The detective qualifying course is the most difficult academic course undertaken at the Police College. I did not think it was possible to cram so much information into my brain, yet it happened.
Next on my list was a diploma in business studies. When trawling through the many courses on offer at University I was drawn to study about learning, in particular adult learning.
It feels selfish looking back now as it was for me to understand how I learned. Little did I know that would be using this when I started my business to develop programmes for our clients. It was at that point that I became intrigued by the human brain!
Again, being selfish, I chose to undertake a master’s degree in Terrorism, Safety and Security. It was purely to gain promotion within the police and to be an asset. I chose radicalisation as my major, intrigued at how a human brain could be so modified is to want to kill others.
Once more I was able to use that academic achievement in my work today. Despite this qualification being the most challenging of all three I cannot recall a moment where I wished I'd never started.
All the topics within this qualification – how do people communicate in secret, can a radicalised individual make an atomic weapon, do CCTV and body cameras prevent crime – are just a few of the papers undertaken.
The study for this qualification was enthralling, it was like reading a novel, completely captivating. I couldn't tell you how long it took for me to complete each paper, time just flew by.
Interestingly, I can still remember minute detail in every one of the papers written for the masters. If you are considering doing any study, study topics that you become lost in.
Only after completing the qualification might you attempt to work out how you can use the qualification in your current work or business. It may not seem applicable currently, but life has a way of bringing things together at some point.
Now contemplating undertaking another diploma, three sounds like a good number, this one would be positive psychology and wellbeing.
Let's see if that works out and see where it might lead.
Quick Communication Tips
When you think about it, a lot of the stress that we face at work involves difficult communication in some form or another.
We aren’t so worried about how we do things because we all try to be the best we can be in our work. We tend to worry more about how we communicate what we are doing, and what others might think of us if we communicate it poorly.
Whether it is communicating with challenging customers, handling difficult colleagues, running meetings, or presenting to a large audience, these things all involve communicating.
To have good communication skills you not only need reasonable grammatical knowledge and confidence, but you you also need to control your emotions during these conversations.
To control your emotions you need to control your thoughts. That is what I learned to do effectively and efficiently as a crisis negotiator. To control my thoughts, which controlled my emotions, so that I could quickly and successfully engage with a person in crisis.
Here are a few quick communication tips that may work for you:
👉 Don't say the first thing that comes into your head when emotional because it will always be wrong.
👉 Take a long, slow, deep, quiet breath to control your adrenaline before meetings and during difficult encounters. Breathing out slowly will also reduce your heart rate.
👉 Slow is smooth, smooth is fast. Slow things down so that you remain calm and in control.
👉 Address difficult messages early in conversations. Avoid using the 'praise sandwich' approach, as it can lead to confusion and dilute the impact of important feedback.
👉 Refrain from sending emails when you are emotional. Walk away, grab a glass of water or go for a walk and come back to it when you are feeling calm.
👉 Be quick to apologise if you made an error of judgment in something that you have said or sent.
Let's talk!
Should I Retire?
I often wonder why I keep going, when many people of my age have long since retired.
Am I doing someone out of a job?
What about the younger generation coming through who need a chance?
Why don't I just let someone else have go?
Perhaps more personal...
Am I too old?
Am I too tired?
Am I too slow?
Am I too...?
It would be easy to step back given the many challenges that running a business entails. So many reasons to stop - what if I don't meet the clients’ needs, what if I say the wrong thing, what if what I say is misinterpreted, what if people don't find what I say helpful, what if…
Why should I push myself into uncomfortable situations, is it causing harm by being nervous on a daily basis, is it not better to slip back into a comfortable role or to retire completely?
We can always find reasons to stop what we are doing, but that is the easy option. However, it is the very reasons that we find excuses to stop that actually keep us going.
If we do not stretch our self, certain parts of our brain shrink, the important areas that maintain our cognitive skills.
A study found that when people retired at the age of 66 instead of 65, their mortality rates dropped by 11%. Even when accounting for all of the variables possible, many other studies confirm the same.
Working into our later years has many benefits:
- It provides mental stimulation and problem-solving abilities
- Social engagement is associated with delaying chronic disease
- Physical activity leads to better health and sharper thinking
- Multi-generational teams are better than single-generation teams
So, let's look at my list of reasons to give up.
Am I doing someone out of a job? No.
Should the younger generation have an opportunity to do what I do?Absolutely, and there's nothing stopping them.
I can find new clients through numerous methods with word-of-mouth being the biggest opportunity, I am completing yet another diploma after recently published a third book, and I am highly motivated by the challenge that running a business provides.
Am I too old? That depends on the context, age brings more experiences.
Am I too tired? Sometimes, but that's only because I push myself to the maximum.
Am I too slow? Those who know me know the opposite is true.
Pushing ourselves outside of our perceived limit is where we get the best from ourselves. There is no growth in the comfortable, only stagnancy.
It is so easy to find an excuse not to stretch ourselves beyond our perceived limits. It is so easy to dismiss those things we find hard. It is so easy to put things off until tomorrow for we know that tomorrow never comes!
Find comfort in the uncomfortable, find joy in the nervousness, find solace in the fear. For it is these challenges that keep us going, that make us who we are, that bring out the best in us.
The only way to find that control is within us. We are all better and stronger than we think we are, we just don't know how much until we try.
Let's talk!