How many times have you said, "Why does this always happen to me?!"
As my dear departed Mum used to say, "It's not all about you son". She was right.
Often things just happen for no particular reason. It is these adversities that make us who we are, not the adversity itself. In some ways, our response to these events is more important.
There is a saying that goes something like this, 'It's not how we fall, it's how we get back up again'. I prefer to say "It's not that we fell, it's that we got back up".
We can believe ourselves, or believe IN ourselves.
As we go through life and negative events happen, our brain places a marker in our memory as a point of reference for the future, mainly so we can avoid similar situations in the future. The problem, the marker doesn't clarify the cause or how we got through the event, it simply records the part of the event where our emotion was at its highest.
Generally, we repeat our behaviours because our brain prefers to stick to patterns of behaviour, known as habits which are based on neural pathways. These pathways are there to keep us safe.
Our brain is a dumb tool designed for simpler times and although our world has developed, our brain hasn't kept pace. Sure, the brain has developed from the basic stem to one now that is more complex, yet, the fundamentals remain since the earliest of times - fight, flight, or freeze.
We learn by doing and, until we have experienced something several times, we might not get things right on the first or second, or even third occasion.
Do we learn from our past, yes, but only if we go back and examine what took place to change it.
A simple technique is to start by looking for similarities:
👉 Write a list of the occasions where the same event has happened.
👉 Next, write down beside each event what was similar about each one and see if you can identify a common theme or single causal factor about them, apart from the fact that you are involved.
Was it a choice that you made, or were you drawn to the similarity for a reason, was your judgement clouded by emotional attraction, is there one common action that you can now learn from and change? This is how we learn; looking back, opening it up, and examining the events.
👉 To complete the process, and this is a very necessary part, look for the differences in each event. These are often more difficult to find because we are all consumed with the commonalities, the 'why me' factor.
It is in the differences with each event that we realise it was not necessarily us that was the cause, it was the situation, the emotion, or it just 'was'.
It is better to do this technique with someone else, to provide perspective. Coming together with others makes us feel safer knowing that we are all very similar, knowing others have faced similar events, and knowing we are not alone.
It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters - I have this tattooed on my chest as a reminder.
Let's talk!
