We often hear, "If you are struggling, please reach out to someone for help." This sentiment will work if the person is in a lucid period or in the early stages of the mire. However, it may fall on deaf ears if the person is deep in the mire, or completely overwhelmed with 'life'.
Why deaf ears?
When people are all consumed with life, the only voice they hear is their own, and that voice is telling them to ignore the world. That voice, the one that comforted us as a child whenever we were struggling or afraid, has now become our enemy.
So why don't we ask for help, and why does that voice try in vain to comfort us as it did when we were a child? Fear is the answer for most of us.
Fear of burdening you with our issues, fear of what you might say to us, fear that you may scold or scorn us, fear that what you suggest may make things worse, fear of the repercussions of our actions, fear that you may view us as a failure, fear that we will never be seen the same way again, fear that we will never recover, fear of what the future holds if any future at all, fear of the unknown, fear of... The list is endless.
Yes, these fears are irrational, illogical, and often unfounded. But we don't know that, because we aren't thinking rationally or logically.
When overwhelmed, we are unable to think like you, to rationalise like you, to bring clarity to what you are saying. We can't work out why you don't get it, why you can't see what we see, why you aren't listening to us, why you don't understand that we can't simply "snap out of it."
So what should you do to help us when we are overwhelmed?
Take us to get some help if we readily want to go, encourage us to get some help if we won't go for help, listen to us without judging us or trying to fix us, ask us what we are thinking and feeling, or just be there for us.
A warm smile, a kind word, a hug from a loved one can be enough to keep us going. Remind us that we are loved, that we won't be scorned or scolded, that you don't care what we've done. Just be there for us when we need you.
Let's talk!
Intrusive Thoughts!
Be honest with yourself - have you ever had an extreme thought pop into your head and wondered where it came from or why you had that thought? 🤔
Have you ever stood on the edge of a tall building, bridge, or cliff and thought - I wonder what it would be like to step off, or, perhaps you feel drawn to just falling? When this happens, you jump back with fright and can't trust yourself to go near the edge again.
Perhaps your thought might be more extreme - I wonder what it would be like to watch someone die?
Just a fleeting thought that comes and goes in an instant so you try to bury (excuse the pun) that thought deeply for fear you might be going crazy. There are other similar thoughts about; religion and wanting to shout out something inappropriate during a church service, opening the door of an aircraft, harming people close to you, hurting animals, and even about your own death.
These are termed 'intrusive thoughts', and they are normal, truly they are. You are not going crazy.
The majority of us have had or will have these thoughts at some point in our lives. Just here in our office after discussing this topic, we discover that two out of three of us have had them.
Where do these thoughts come from? For some, it might be genetics, biological, environmental, or a combination of these and many other things. Like everything with the brain, there is no single nor clear answer for each of us.
The best I can come up with, and this is just my opinion, the intrusive thought is a survival mechanism designed to remind us of what is right and what is wrong. Intrusive thoughts can remind us that we are in control of our thoughts, otherwise, we would have acted on them.
So, what should you do about it if you have an intrusive thought?
Acknowledge and recognise it for what it is - and then let go of it and know that you are "normal", whatever that means.
However, if the unwanted thoughts are starting to disrupt your daily life, particularly if they’re impairing your ability to work or to do things you enjoy - perhaps it is time to seek out professional support.
Let's talk!
Managing Pressure.
I'm often asked what to do if you are finding yourself under too much pressure at work with a demanding workload.
Pressure is good for us; it excites us, stimulates us, and keeps us focused. Many of us are at our best when under pressure. Pressure is usually lots of things to do and not enough time to do them. We can all handle a bit of pressure from time to time we need it to keep us motivated.
However, when the pressure becomes relentless, we may become overwhelmed. So what can we do about it?
Clarify the timeline - Does the task have to be completed immediately or is there an opportunity to extend the time frame?
Delay the decision - When someone asks you to do something, tell them you just need time overnight to sort out your other tasks and commitments. This will give you time and distance to make the decision plus the bonus of making you look like you are in control of your workload.
Can someone else complete the task? You may be the right person but there will be others who are just as good as you.
Talk! Chat to your boss - agree with them that you can take on more work, then show them a list of your current workload and ask, "How do you want me to prioritise this list?"
Communication is key. Not only will saying something help get it out of your head, others may not be aware of how much work you have on so this is a good way of showing them. If you don't want to tell them face-to-face, send your list of tasks in an email and ask your manager to number the tasks in the order that they would like them to be completed.
Remember that you need downtime to do things to relax. Saying "no" can be difficult, more so if you have got into the habit of saying "yes". Know that saying "no" can also be exhilarating. Your brain will eventually thank you for saying it.
It is important to have pressure in our lives, it keeps us motivated, enthused and vibrant. However, it becomes detrimental to our health when we are under relentless pressure and see no clear way forward.
Let's talk!
Managing Workplace Stressors!
We think about work when you first get up in the morning, when getting ready to go to work, when we travel to work, while at work, on the drive home from work, when we check our phone/messages at home and several times in the evening as we go back over the workday - the list goes on.
This means we can spend up to 11 hours thinking about work. With us sleeping an average of 7-8 hours each night, that doesn't leave much time for ‘you’. So, it is important (imperative) that you start to take some control of the stressors of work.
The leading causes of workplace stress are; insufficient breaks, illness, difficult people, a lack of control and, the environment.
Here's what you can do to start changing things for the better;
Breaks - You should take regular breaks every hour. Get up out of your chair and move around to get the blood flowing, and to refresh your brain. Importantly, have a break away from computers and mobile devices during this time – a screen break.
Illness - If you are sick, stay at home. Your colleagues don't want your germs and going to work when sick will only extend your illness. Plus, you will not be at your best therefore tasks will be more difficult for you than usual.
Difficult People - Most workplaces have at least one person who is either grumpy, annoying, loud, arrogant, overbearing or just downright rude. Apart from bringing the shortcoming to their attention, which may be an option if done correctly, don't let their actions impact you. Ignore them, or better still, become their friend. Find out more about that person who annoys you and you may well realise why they are the way they are, helping you change your opinion of them.
Lack of Control - "You can only control what you can control". Suggest how to change things in your workplace; offer to assist in some way to make things better, or even change the way that you do things as long as it is within policy.
Environment - We all need natural light. If you work in a place where there is no natural light, then you need to get outside during your scheduled breaks to get sunlight. We need at least 20 minutes of sunlight each day to produce melatonin and serotonin, the stuff that aids sleep.
Changing just one of these five workplace stressors could just change your life, so what change are you going to make first?
Let's talk!
Managing Grief.
The loss of a loved one is hard to get over, no matter the circumstances.
You may find some of these tips helpful in coming to terms with your grief;
Self-validate your emotions. You may feel an enormous sense of loss, you may believe that you are in a nightmare from which you will soon awake. Know that what you are going through is how the majority of us are impacted by such a tragedy, it is abnormally normal.
Show your emotions, proudly - fighting off emotions may only make them worse and delay things further. Cry, cry, and cry some more. Shout, scream, stamp, and get angry.
Guilt is normal too - Feelings of guilt and remorse are normal to feel, but they are like no other. Guilt is possibly the only feeling that I suggest you dismiss and not feel because it can be destructive. The tragedy happened, it was not your fault, it just happened.
Don't rush - Allow your brain to absorb the tragic event before you even think about starting the rationalisation process. Time is what you need right now, time is very important, take your time and use it to your advantage.
Initially, you may need to seek medical assistance to get through the pain and suffering. There is no shame in seeking medical help. In fact, the opposite is true, it is a sign that you want to get through this event to honour the person lost.
Then, when you feel up to it, seeking psychological counselling can be very beneficial. Counselling from a qualified person who is skilled in the area of loss from tragedy. Socialisation helps, talking with real people about real events and real emotions.
During times of remembrance such as anniversaries, birthdays, and regular celebrations you will be reminded of the one that you have lost. Take time to reflect on why this is happening, may I suggest that it is because the person lost meant so much to you.
No matter how you feel, what happens, or how low you get, just keep going - breath by breath, second by second, minute by minute - keep going.
Let’s talk!