How many times have you said, "Why does this always happen to me?!"
As my dear departed Mum used to say, "It's not all about you son". She was right.
Often things just happen for no particular reason. It is these adversities that make us who we are, not the adversity itself. In some ways, our response to these events is more important.
There is a saying that goes something like this, 'It's not how we fall, it's how we get back up again'. I prefer to say "It's not that we fell, it's that we got back up".
We can believe ourselves, or believe IN ourselves.
As we go through life and negative events happen, our brain places a marker in our memory as a point of reference for the future, mainly so we can avoid similar situations in the future. The problem, the marker doesn't clarify the cause or how we got through the event, it simply records the part of the event where our emotion was at its highest.
Generally, we repeat our behaviours because our brain prefers to stick to patterns of behaviour, known as habits which are based on neural pathways. These pathways are there to keep us safe.
Our brain is a dumb tool designed for simpler times and although our world has developed, our brain hasn't kept pace. Sure, the brain has developed from the basic stem to one now that is more complex, yet, the fundamentals remain since the earliest of times - fight, flight, or freeze.
We learn by doing and, until we have experienced something several times, we might not get things right on the first or second, or even third occasion.
Do we learn from our past, yes, but only if we go back and examine what took place to change it.
A simple technique is to start by looking for similarities:
👉 Write a list of the occasions where the same event has happened.
👉 Next, write down beside each event what was similar about each one and see if you can identify a common theme or single causal factor about them, apart from the fact that you are involved.
Was it a choice that you made, or were you drawn to the similarity for a reason, was your judgement clouded by emotional attraction, is there one common action that you can now learn from and change? This is how we learn; looking back, opening it up, and examining the events.
👉 To complete the process, and this is a very necessary part, look for the differences in each event. These are often more difficult to find because we are all consumed with the commonalities, the 'why me' factor.
It is in the differences with each event that we realise it was not necessarily us that was the cause, it was the situation, the emotion, or it just 'was'.
It is better to do this technique with someone else, to provide perspective. Coming together with others makes us feel safer knowing that we are all very similar, knowing others have faced similar events, and knowing we are not alone.
It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters - I have this tattooed on my chest as a reminder.
Let's talk!
Imposter Syndrome!
You dismiss your successes as pure luck and not from your hard work. Or, maybe you attribute your successes to those around you. I once thought it was self-doubt, and to an extent it is.
Impostor syndrome.
I knew what it was but didn't know it had a name. Like me, many people experience this - not believing they have the necessary skills for their current role, telling themselves they don't deserve to be in the position they are in, perhaps feeling that they are a fraud
Try focusing on these simple things;
💡 Accept that you are as good as others say you are and that you got to where you are because of you.
💡 Stop comparing yourself to others, each of us is unique and have something to offer.
💡 If you make a mistake, it's not because you are an impostor, it's because you made a mistake. That's all, a simple mistake.
💡 Don't hold back, prove to the world that you are as good as others say that you are.
Have confidence that you are better than you think you are, that you are where you are today because of your skills, and that you deserve everything you have worked for.
Let's talk!
Exercise Can Be Helpful!
We actively post tips and tricks each week, and we're aware of how overwhelming all this information might be. Particularly so for someone who is struggling for time or maybe a little unwell or can't slow their brain down long enough to consider many options.
From the numerous readings that I have undertaken, every book on resilience, well-being, wellness, and the myriad of other topics on self-development espouses the benefits of taking 30 minutes each day to do what they suggest is the best thing that you can do for your health and wellness
Depending on which book, article, research paper, journal or dare I say it LinkedIn Post, I should be spending 30 minutes on; reading, quiet time, meditation, training my brain, meditation, visualisation, exercise, prayer, listening to music, doing something that I enjoy, meeting new people, doing something to excite me, doing something to relax me, etc., etc.
There is only so many hours in a day and to do all of these suggestions would fill the entire day. So what is best single thing that is the very best for your mental and physical health?
Exercise. A 30-minute medium-to-fast pace walk at the end of the workday, or a form of exercise that you enjoy.
This form of exercise has to be undertaken at the end of each workday to burn off any remaining adrenaline and cortisol in your blood from the day's stressors. If you still want to go to the gym at the beginning of the day, fantastic, go for it. But why not do a little bit of cardio at the end of each day as well?
If exercise is not for you, or perhaps for some reason you are unable to do this activity, then simply choose one of the other activities from the list I have provided over the last few weeks. Pick one activity that resonates with you as most are of equal benefit
Better still, why not do a different activity each day to spice things up a bit?
Let's talk!
Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes!
I am convinced that the most sustainable way to help others is to help them to help themselves, with a little guidance if needed. Furthermore, not accepting the first or single solution may not be enough, we should keep looking for more options.
When we have a challenge/problem/issue/behaviour that won't go away or we want to change and is always on our mind, the longer that we delay fixing it the more it plays on our mind. The more it plays on our mind the higher the likelihood our brain will exaggerate the negative, the greater the exaggeration the harder it becomes to find a solution, the harder it is to find a solution, the cycle goes on.
The importance of doing something practical as early as possible cannot be emphasised enough, when we have a problem that is continually playing on our mind it becomes all-consuming. Additionally, the more we focus on the problem the greater the likelihood of tunnel vision which closes our mind.
There are many reasons why it might be best to take personal ownership of our challenges;
💡 We have personal involvement in the solution therefore become more determined.
💡 We have control of the solution, the journey, and the outcome.
💡 It gives us something practical to do thus keeps our mind active and focussed on the positive outcome.
💡 We learn about ourselves, what works best for us or what may not work as well, and we can adjust the solution as required.
💡 The more occasions that we take practical action, the easier it becomes, the greater the reduction in stress and the easier it is to find solutions.
So, how does it work?
👉 Find a person who you can trust, it need not be a family member nor a close friend as these people may also have a closed mind from knowing you too well.
👉 Write down your problem at the top of the page and then start writing down as many solutions as you can think of, no matter how silly they might seem. There are many resources that you can use to find solutions, the internet is the go-to these days but ensure that you are using a credible source.
Eliminate the ridiculous solutions, and then order the remaining solutions from the simplest to the hardest.
👉 Start working on the easiest solution for a minimum of 60 days, it takes at least that time to form a neural pathway and change patterns of behaviour.
👉 Evaluate how the solution went for you at the end of each day to see what positive changes you have made. If you find it helpful, also write down the challenges but only so that you can eliminate these from the following day.
When we want to change something, doing the same thing or doing nothing are not options. After all, nothing changes if nothing changes.
Let's talk!
What To Do When Feeling Overwhelmed.
We often hear, "If you are struggling, please reach out to someone for help." This sentiment will work if the person is in a lucid period or in the early stages of the mire. However, it may fall on deaf ears if the person is deep in the mire, or completely overwhelmed with 'life'.
Why deaf ears?
When people are all consumed with life, the only voice they hear is their own, and that voice is telling them to ignore the world. That voice, the one that comforted us as a child whenever we were struggling or afraid, has now become our enemy.
So why don't we ask for help, and why does that voice try in vain to comfort us as it did when we were a child? Fear is the answer for most of us.
Fear of burdening you with our issues, fear of what you might say to us, fear that you may scold or scorn us, fear that what you suggest may make things worse, fear of the repercussions of our actions, fear that you may view us as a failure, fear that we will never be seen the same way again, fear that we will never recover, fear of what the future holds if any future at all, fear of the unknown, fear of... The list is endless.
Yes, these fears are irrational, illogical, and often unfounded. But we don't know that, because we aren't thinking rationally or logically.
When overwhelmed, we are unable to think like you, to rationalise like you, to bring clarity to what you are saying. We can't work out why you don't get it, why you can't see what we see, why you aren't listening to us, why you don't understand that we can't simply "snap out of it."
So what should you do to help us when we are overwhelmed?
Take us to get some help if we readily want to go, encourage us to get some help if we won't go for help, listen to us without judging us or trying to fix us, ask us what we are thinking and feeling, or just be there for us.
A warm smile, a kind word, a hug from a loved one can be enough to keep us going. Remind us that we are loved, that we won't be scorned or scolded, that you don't care what we've done. Just be there for us when we need you.
Let's talk!