Managing A Loss.

We fear just one thing in life - loss.

Loss of life, loss of control, loss of dignity, loss of... And when we lose something it can be very painful. The stronger the emotional connection to that loss the stronger the pain we feel.

Additionally, each of us feels loss differently. Some will compartmentalise, some will show their emotion outwardly, some will catastrophise, some will want others to feel the pain that they are feeling by being hurtful, some will look for blame, some will...

Losing anything that is dear to us will leave us feeling lost, hence the two words are related. When we are lost we feel alone, in a void of nothingness. The void will be quickly filled with guilt, regret, remorse, anger, the list is endless.

There is another way to fill that void, rejuvenate positive AND negative memories of the loss to reignite the full memory and strengthen it. A big part of losing a loved one is the fear of losing the memory of them.

Whilst well-meaning, we are told that we should remember the good times we had with that person. This is extremely difficult to do in the immediacy after the loss, and probably more so once we've worked our way through the grief - if we ever in fact are able to do so.

It's like saying when you are having dark thoughts simply think of something happy or when your mood is low think of something joyful to lift your spirits. Some of us might have the capability to do this, but seldom without also changing our breathing.

Sit where you are right now and breathe out very, very slowly. There is no need to breathe in first, just breathe out as slow as you can. By the time you have fully exhaled you will most likely find yourself calmer.

Why should we remember the bad times as well as the good?

A study in April 2023 examined a technique known as Processing of Positive Memories Technique. The study was developed for those with PTSD who often have trouble processing positive memories.

The controlled interventions focused on enhancing the retrieval of both traumatic and positive memories to benefit their overall well-being. The interventions include a range of individual and group discussions as well as practical activities.

Participants reported they felt that discussing past memories promoted gratitude, hope, and positivity about current life-circumstances. Furthermore, they noticed immediate and tangible benefits such as improved mood that lasted even after the session ended.

Recalling past memories provided a helpful perspective on past events by balancing out the positive memories with the negative ones, and how the good and bad interrelated. Participants felt this made their treatment more personal.

Importantly, it helped promote their confidence, their positive emotions, and their safety to allow them to be comfortable in reliving the memories. This made it much easier for PTSD sufferers to transition the techniques into their daily lives.

Simple examples of what you and I can do to refresh memories when suffering a loss include:

• Looking through photographs and videos.

• Going to places that our loved one would visit with us.

• Eating food that you both enjoyed.

• Doing activities that you loved doing together.

• Most importantly - talk with others more openly and honestly about who you have lost.

Anything that uses our five senses to invoke memories - sight, sound, touch, hearing, or smelling. The olfactory system (smell) is very powerful.

It is okay to remember the bad memories, for these will be balanced out with the positive ones leaving you with a much stronger emotional connection with the loss.

Always remember one thing about our brain - the emotion holds the memory. The stronger the emotion at the time of the experience directly equates to the stronger our memory. Emotion builds synapse connections which are hard to break once in place.

It is not just about the good times after all, it is also about the bad times. For memories are made of them both!

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Have you tried the Pomodoro Technique?

Have you tried the Pomodoro Technique?

In today's fast-paced world filled with distractions, it can be a challenge to stay as focused and productive as we once could. The Pomodoro Technique is a time-management method that has grown in popularity due to its potential to help us focus and manage our time better.

The technique, created by Francesco Cirillo in the late 1980s, includes breaking work into intervals, with brief breaks between - typically 25 minutes "on" and 5 minutes "off". These time blocks are referred to as "Pomodoros" - oddly named after a tomato-shaped kitchen timer. After 4 Pomodoros, you take a longer break; around 15 to 30 minutes long.

The idea behind the Pomodoro Technique is that by working in short, concentrated bursts, you can enhance productivity, prevent burnout, and maintain better focus. But does this method actually work?

Here are the facts:
Increased Efficiency: A 2013 study in the Journal of Psychological Studies found that the Pomodoro Technique improves productivity, time management, focus, and task completion.
Reduced Mental Fatigue: Research tells us that having regular breaks decreases mental fatigue during work, a fundamental aspect of the Pomodoro Technique.
Reduced Stress: Anecdotally, it is suggested that the technique reduces stress and anxiety, providing a structured and controlled way of working.

Ultimately, the Pomodoro Technique isn't backed by large amounts of research to confirm its effectiveness. Additionally, it isn't a technique that will work for everyone. In saying that, many still find the Pomodoro Technique effective - helping them accomplish more in less time while reducing the stress of continuous work.

If you're searching for an easy method to maximize productivity, reduce mental fatigue, and improve time management, why not give it a go and see if it works for you?

The 'True Secerets' Of Negotiaton & Mediation!

Want to know the true secret to negotiation and mediation? Stop trying to find a swift resolution.

So often when we are in emotional situations we go straight to problem-solving. Research shows that men are the worst at this, we just want to help you to get on with things and move forward.

Just like a book has a beginning, middle and end to complete the story, so too do negotiations/mediations. However, the order is different.

Start in the middle, what are you facing you right now? Ask the other person, "So what is important to you right now?" Or perhaps, "Let's look at where we are at this moment." This brings everyone to the same state and focuses on the topic.

The next step is to go back in time to examine how you got to the present point. While it is sometimes good to be in the here and now then move forward, in emotional situations you need to find out the underlying issues. Say "I would like to know more about how we came to this point" or "Tell me what happened prior to this point so that I can get a better understanding of your situation."

By doing this, you allow the other person to explain their situation, they will tell you how they 'feel' about things as the story unfolds, and you allow them to vent. Because they vent as they talk to you, their logic brain will engage.

An acknowledged emotion is disarmed. Therefore, use words such as frustrating, confusing, complicated, annoying, etc. Why, because this is the underlying reason (the cause) of anger and rage.

The third step is to move on with a mutual agreement. So often we suggest something first and wait for the response. Try asking the other person "So what would you like to see as an outcome?" If you have allowed the other person to vent adequately and have listened through active listening skills, you would by now have gained a rapport.

Furthermore, by asking them to go first you have made it about them and they will feel obliged to allow you to suggest a resolution.

Stop problem-solving, allow an open discussion, and go back over the past before moving forward. Your negotiation/mediation will be much easier.

Let's talk!

N/Ever Made A Mistake?

Have I made mistakes in my life? Plenty.
Do I regret making those mistakes? Yes.
Have I hurt people along the way? Yes.
Does this eat me up inside? Yes.
Would I change these if I could? In a heartbeat.
Have I learnt from these mistakes? I would like to think so.
Would I make the same mistakes again? I hope not.

Why aren't I so certain? Because I am human.

With experience (age) brings wisdom, hindsight, and often guilt and regret about our lives. Having been on the 'worry wheel', I know that my brain keeps reminding me of the stupid things that I have said and done in my life.

I know that I could have been better, much better. I could have been whoever I wanted to be if I had set my mind to it early enough.

We learn and grow from things that we have done wrong, or at the very least we try to learn from them.

It is not so much about the size or number of mistakes that we make, it is about how we recover from them, how we learn from them, and how we move forward.

I still say and do things that I later say to myself, "Why did you say or do that?" What I try to do now is accept it, try and make amends if I can, and move on quickly.

It is said that those who have not made mistakes have not made anything at all. I don't believe this is the case. After all, not making anything is a mistake in itself, isn't it?

If you make a mistake, fix it as soon as you can. If you can't fix it, learn from it. If you can't learn from it, move on regardless. Easy to say but hard to do, nonetheless, it is at least worth trying.

If we don't move on from our mistakes, we harbour guilt and regret; and we know that this will often lead us into dark places.

Let's talk!

Why Does This Always Happen To Me?

How many times have you said, "Why does this always happen to me?!"

It might be the case that it does, it might be our negativity bias, it might be the emotional attraction, or possibly the way we recall similar events from our past.

As we go through life and negative events happen, our brain places a marker in our memory as a point of reference for the future, mainly so we can avoid similar situations in the future. The problem, the marker doesn't clarify the cause or how we got through the event, it simply records the part of the event where our emotion was at its highest.

Generally, we repeat our behaviours because our brain prefers to stick to patterns of behaviour, known as habits which are based on neural pathways. These pathways are there to keep us safe.

Our brain is a dumb tool designed for simpler times and although our world has developed, our brain hasn't kept pace. Sure, the brain has developed from the basic stem to one now that is more complex, yet, the fundamentals remain since the earliest of times - fight, flight, or freeze.

We learn by doing and, until we have experienced something several times, we might not get things right on the first or second, or even third occasion.

Do we learn from our past, yes, but only if we go back and examine what took place to change it.

A simple technique is to start by looking for similarities:

Write a list of the occasions where the same event has happened.

Next, write down beside each event what was similar about each one and see if you can identify a common theme or single causal factor about them, apart from the fact that you are involved.

Was it a choice that you made, or were you drawn to the similarity for a reason, was your judgement clouded by emotional attraction, is there one common action that you can now learn from and change? This is how we learn; looking back, opening it up, and examining the events.

To complete the process, and this is a very necessary part, look for the differences in each event. These are often more difficult to find because we are all consumed with the commonalities, the 'why me' factor.

It is in the differences with each event that we realise it was not necessarily us that was the cause, it was the situation, the emotion, or it just 'was'.

This is the part of the process that is empowering. You realise that not all events are the same, it's just how our brain recalls them, in clusters.

It is far better to do this technique with someone else, to provide a different perspective.

Coming together with others makes us feel safer knowing that we are all very similar, knowing others have faced similar events, and knowing we are not alone.

It is what it is because it was what it was, it's what you do now that matters - I have this tattooed on my chest as a reminder.

Let's talk!