TW: Suicide
"Are you thinking about killing yourself?"
This has been promoted as what we should say to someone who we think is suicidal to establish if indeed they are. I have been against saying this sentence for a number of reasons.
Firstly, let's clarify that this sentence is indeed what you should ask someone if you think that they are considering suicide, but only if you are a trained crisis negotiator. It is something crisis negotiators use when intervening in a suicide attempt. Why, because it gets the person's attention.
Often when people are suicidal, they have no idea what they are doing at the time, hence the reason why some will take their life without considering the lives of others while doing so. They are lost in their negative thoughts as part of extreme fight-or-flight.
By asking this question, despite the person obviously considering doing so, crisis negotiators will literally snap the person out of their thoughts and bring them back to their position. However, it is only ever done so as a last resort to get the person's undivided attention. And, it works.
We are then told, that should the person answer "Yes" to 'that' question; we should go on to ask them if they have made a plan yet, what that plan is, and how much preparation have they made.
My concern is the impact on the person asking the question must also be considered.
Currently working in the rural sector where suicide is sadly still common, I know of many people who cannot bring themselves to ask 'that' question and worry about the consequences if they do or don't ask it. It worried one person so much that it partly contributed to going into depression himself.
Additionally, when 'that' question is asked preceded by an apology for needing to ask 'that' question, it may cause feelings of shame and isolation in the person you are trying to help.
So what should you ask? Here are some suggestions that may be helpful, organisations I have worked with are now using them;
💙 For loved ones - "I (we) am so concerned that you might hurt yourself or something even worse. Promise me you aren't thinking of that, I love you too much and will do whatever it takes to help you."
"I care about you, I can see that you are hurting, and I want to make sure that you will talk with me if ever you have thoughts about taking your own life/suicide."
💙 For colleagues - "Are you considering taking some drastic action like taking your own life/suicide."
"When we become overwhelmed, we sometimes have thoughts of suicide, are you having those thoughts, or perhaps had them in the past?"
💙 For both - "Professional counselling/support does help, please let me get some support for you, we can go together if that would help."
Getting expert attention is imperative if you have any concerns that someone is thinking of committing suicide, preferably from a registered psychotherapist/psychologist.
Look after yourself - be selfish to be selfless.
Reaching Out Is Courageous.
"What will people think?"
"Will I be judged?"
"Will they think I'm weak?"
"What will happen to me if I do?"
"What stigma is attached?"
"What... "
As someone who struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts, I found it so hard to reach out for help.
These fears were holding me back.
So many fears to consider when we aren't in a good state to consider them rationally. Everyone knows that we can and should reach out for help, yet so many don't.
Why? The reasons are many and different for each of us.
It does take courage to reach out, courage and determination to survive. Furthermore, we must also be in a lucid state of mind to know that we must reach out. Although they are far between and only momentary, clarity does come to us when we are struggling with dark thoughts. That is the time to act fast, yet we seldom know that it is a short point of clarity.
Instead, we hold on to that little glimmer of hope that we are getting better. We aren't. It's just our mind in respite, having a rest before it starts again in its fruitless attempt to help us. We have to help our mind in these situations, our mind won't help us, it's simply working on autopilot as it continues to remind us of our past.
Know that there is always someone willing to help . Know that you will work through this challenging time despite how hard it may seem right now. Know that you will no doubt go on to achieve wonderful things. You now know something that few get to know - that we are all stronger than we think we are.
Know also, you have been given a gift, a gift of survival. It is our duty, those of us who had that lucid moment and courageously reached out for support, to pass on that gift to others. A gift that we all have, if we just had that lucid moment. If you are struggling right now, reach out.
If you have lost someone who was unable to reach out, know that's most likely because they never had that lucid moment, that glimmer of clarity. They were also brave and courageous because they fought so hard.
Let's talk! It is important that we all do so.
You Need To Harden Up - Not At All!
"You need to harden up."
"Tough people last, tough times don't."
"Sometimes you just have to dig it in and things will get better."
"What doesn't kill you makes you...."
These sayings are no longer valid, more so for those under the age of 35. Our world has changed significantly in the last decade and we humans have also changed.
Forcing someone to do something in today's world no longer gets the best out of people. Quite the opposite in most cases. Yelling at people or forcing them to do something against their will produces a negative effect by making them feel demeaned and inferior.
So how do we get the best out of people, how do we encourage people to pick themselves up when they are struggling with their mind health? We can get people to connect with others so that we can encourage each other. And, more importantly, we can encourage people to connect with themselves.
We all have an inner strength, something that keeps us going when life gets on top of us. Encouraging those who are struggling to find their true inner strength, a strength that lies dormant in all of us, one that we can only find and know the real value of when we truly connect with it.
How do you encourage people to use their natural fear to do better? By showing them the value of their true inner strength, their true self. Not by yelling at them or forcing them, but by sharing knowledge. knowledge of the mind, knowledge of the positive aspects of psychology, and understanding of our emotions.
Forcing people to do something will only cause distress. You can tell someone who is behaving badly to leave, or you can ask them when is a good time for them to come back. Which do you think works best in today's world? If you are thinking the former, examine if it is truly working or is it because they fear, you.
The age of knowledge and understanding through connecting with others is upon us as it once was. Work with it, not against it if you want to survive.
How's Your Screen Time Looking?
Whenever we use our devices, we receive shots of dopamine that reward us. Dopamine is highly addictive because it makes us feel so great.
The dopamine reward is not only addictive, but it also severs the connection between the limbic system and the frontal lobes meaning we are no longer able to think things through fully before acting. Hence, we purchase things on the internet that we may not need, we post prolifically to get continual rewards, and we might make comments on social media that we wouldn't ordinarily say in person.
The good news is that we can rebuild that broken connection, it just takes time. Restricting the use of technology is one option, yet one that I least prefer.
👉 The most preferred method of adaptation is to exercise! Exercise need only be a 20 to 30-minute medium to fast-paced walk that lifts our heart rate to pump oxygenated blood through our veins, to burn off adrenaline & cortisol, and to reconnect us to our prefrontal cortex. That reconnection is why ideas tend to come to us whenever we exercise.
❤️ Plus, we get the bonus of pain-relieving endorphins to make us feel great.
Imposter Syndrome!
"I'm not good enough."
"I don't deserve this position."
"I made a mistake, I shouldn't be doing this role."
Sound familiar?
Many people experience imposter syndrome - not believing they have the necessary skills for their current role, telling themselves they don't deserve to be in the position that they are in, and feeling that they are a fraud.
If this is something you are struggling with, try focusing on these tips:
💙 Stop comparing yourself to others, each of us is unique and has something to offer.
💙 Accept that you are as good as others say you are and that you got to where you are because of your knowledge and experience.
💙 Know that if you make a mistake, it's not because you are an impostor, it's because you made a mistake. That's all, a simple mistake.
💙 Don't hold back and hesitate, prove to the world that you are as good as others say that you are.
💙 What advice would you give a friend if you heard them say they weren't good enough? What if you gave that same advice to yourself?