It's Not Necessarily Our Fault!

An Aunty recently sent a photo of me as a baby. My first thought was of my parents who had the same photo on our lounge wall which I was always uncomfortable with, more so as a teenager when my friends came to our home.

Looking at the photo a second time today, I now see only innocence and pondered - I wonder what you might be thinking when this photo was taken if you only knew what the future held for you? Innocence is what we are all born with. Innocence of what the future holds for us. Needing to be loved, wanting to be valued, hoping to be our best self, wishing that…. 'Life' then happens, and the innocence is gone.

I have never truly looked back on my life until very recently for fear of remembering the bad times, the failures, the disappointments, the regrets. There are many, but seldom do they come to mind these days. Why? Because we all must realise that life happens and much of it, I now realise that we had little or no control over. We certainly had little control over what life 'threw' at us, the bad things that happen to us. If we did have control, it tended to be reflecting only on why we made the choices we did either prior to or following the bad event.

The innocence of a child. No choice whatsoever from the very beginning as to how life will unfold. Being born was not our choice, the family we were born into another that was not ours to choose, nor was there choice in how we were raised, what school we went to, nor the food we consumed. Most choices were made for us, our future life almost preordained rather than from our own influence.

Genetics, the first 1000 days, our environment. Many factors influence what occurred to us as we grew and made us into who we have become. Choice only comes to us as we grow older and then those choices remain influenced from what happened in our early childhood. It’s not necessarily our fault how life unfolds for us when bad things happen. Not unless we made a rational decision unfettered from our past influences, and who can do that with any certainty.

Our work at WARN allows us to speak with many people, a majority of whom have ongoing regrets. Regrets are often self-destructive. They were designed as simple reminders of things past to enable us to avoid them in the future. 'Don’t go down by the river because you were nearly eaten by a crocodile last time you did so'. We then ruinate that we should have known better despite our forebears being able go down by the river safely! Regrets are merely designed to keep us safe, to avoid future risk. So often they don't!

A practical exercise you may find helpful if you think that you have made poor choices in your life which led to bad events occurring is to look back on your life and examine the choices that you made when bad things happened. What influenced you to make the choices that you made in each one? Was it freewill, what you had learned, misfortune, or perhaps it was something intuitive? Was it truly your fault that the choice you made was without any influence whatsoever?

I suspect seldom was it a choice that we made rationally at the time that led to a bad outcome. I'll wager that there was a lot of emotion involved when the decision was made, and the stronger the emotion the more regret we will be left with.

We continuously look to the future in these fast-paced times, intermittently we are in the present when required to focus, seldom do we look back and often only to regrets. Look back to good times, look back to make amends if you can, and always look back to regrets to see what influenced our choice at that time.

If we want to find answers as to why 'life' happened, we must always look back. We should examine the reason or reasons behind our decision which will help us to see that the choice we made may not have been ours alone. We were influenced by other factors, emotions being the biggest one.

It’s not necessarily our fault. Life happens. Often for no valid reason, it just happens. Mostly, it’s out of our total control. There are just so many influencing factors that we could not see clearly enough to fully consider. Not an excuse, simply a reason.

It’s not necessarily our fault.

Let's talk!

Reducing The Impact Of A Negative Event.

During our Level 3 workshops with frontline staff, I ask at the commencement "Do we learn from our past?" Some say yes, some say no, others just shrug. Like most things, it depends. Many of us have had things happen to us, have been in a situation we would rather forget, or may have done something we regret.

When negative things happen to us, we have an emotional reaction that produces cortisol. Cortisol affects almost every organ in our body, its purpose is to regulate our stress responses. It keeps us on high alert until the 'danger' has passed.

This evolutionary process places a marker on our memory. The greater the danger, the higher the emotion, the greater our stress response, the stronger the marker. The markers become a reference point in our memory to remind us of the danger that we faced to keep us safe from harm in the future.

Memories are formed because of the emotional reaction we have at the time of the event - the stronger the emotion, the stronger the memory. Chances are, after we faced a negative event, if we never spoke with anyone about what occurred our memory of the event will remain strong.

Additionally, we will not learn as much as we hoped when cortisol is released because we are in a heightened state. We learn more of how to deal with negative events when we are less 'stressed' from the positive hormone, dopamine. Sure, we will learn not to climb a ladder that was unsecured if we have fallen from it previously, but we may now be reluctant to ever climb a ladder again.

You may have read a previous post where we discussed the way to halt catastrophising, (ourselves talking to ourself about ourself by automatically searching our memory of markers), is to talk, write, and read. These three things ensure that we get our problems out of our head, we express how we feel (emotions must come out), and we compare experiences. This helps to reduce the negative impact on our memory, it disarms them.

The first step in reducing the impact of a negative event is to control our breathing when the incident occurs and immediately afterwards. Fully breathing out slows our heart rate which reduces the stress response.

Having a debrief after an incident is highly recommended to further reduce the negative impact. There are three forms of debrief - a hot debrief which is completed immediately after the incident, a formal debrief is held when we are in a less emotional state, and a psychological debrief is to assist in processing what has occurred.

All forms of debrief involve talking. When we talk, we further reduce the strength of the marker on our memory through the release of the positive hormone, oxytocin. Oxytocin is often termed the love hormone, yet it is more than that, it is about the human bonding process. Oxytocin is released when we talk with someone in a deep and meaningful conversation. Oxytocin helps to dissolve cortisol.

Following the talk, we should then write about the event. In a work setting this would equate to completing a safety report, for a personal event this involves journaling. As we write we go back into our memory, open it up, examine it, explain it, and continue to reduce the impact. As we write we learn about what occurred and will feel excited because of dopamine, our reward hormone.

Reading information about how to avoid incidents related to what occurred to us or reading about the experiences of others who have been in a similar situation, provides additional information and context to process or thoughts in a rational manner. It helps give our thoughts a rational perspective.

This is the part where we learn from events - going back and examining them in a controlled manner - to change our perception.

Another positive hormone we can use to negate the impact of an event is endorphins which are produced when we exercise. Endorphins numb pain. Additionally, as we exercise, we will burn off cortisol.

If you experience a negative event - talk about it, write about it, read about it, then exercise. If it is a past event, nothing changes, do the same things in this order. Emotions have to come out, they must come out, and they will come out, eventually. Manage them sooner rather than later.

Let's talk!

Thank You To Our Young

Our world is changing and so are we. The younger you are the more empathic you are which means you are more aware of others' emotions. You are not highly sensitive, you are hypersensitive - more aware, more inciteful, more caring - than previous generations.

Thank you to our young who are showing us the new way, the right way. Our young are more open to new ideas, are more understanding of differences, are more mindful of our future. Our young realise that we have to change along with our new world and not try to control it, to work with it.

Our young do not have to change to be like us, they do not have to do as we say, nor do they have to 'harden up'. It is us who need to change. Those who believe we have the experience and the ideas because we have lived longer need to change, who need to listen, who need to 'open up' rather than harden up.

We are now living in their world.

Imagine a world where the experienced amongst us come together with the ideas of our young, what a world that would be. We do not have to imagine it as it is happening in places right now.

Having worked with local and central government for over 30 years I am seeing the coming together of the experienced with the young. Real change is being made.

Presenting this week in Wanaka to an audience of senior executives from the 45 South branch of Taituarā, I witnessed it for myself. A group of local government professionals of all ages listening, sharing, and caring. Thank you for being so open, so welcoming, so enthusiastic to new ideas.

Those who criticise your work do not know the complexities in which you work. The information you have to decipher, the data you have to process, the many groups you have to satisfy. Yet, you do it so well and you do it with 'people' in mind. For you are also empathic.

Thank you to our young for being empathic, for being more aware, for being more caring. Please keep being so and do not let others try to change you, we need you in our new world.

Please continue to hold us to account, to tell us when we are wrong, to tell us how we can do better. Do listen to what we have to say. Although we might not say it in a way that you would say it, we have lived experiences that you have not and have a lot to offer.

Thank you to our local government for being so open, so aware, and so caring. While you may not satisfy everyone, just like our young are doing, you have a bigger picture in mind. Others.

Our new world is upon us and it is an exciting time for we are at a junction in history. We can choose to do the same thing and head into the unknown, or we can change and head into our new world of certainty. A world that is full of new surprises, of new ideas, of new ways to manage our new world. Together.

Before being critical of others, stop and think. Open your mind which opens your eyes which allows you to see the way forward.

Or learn more in our online courses:
Unconscious and Confirmation Bias

Keep Moving Forward

Our world of uncertainty continues and many are finding it difficult not to scream out loud "Go away!". Rather than waste it, we have used that energy and thrown ourselves into two things - our family and our work, in that order.

Those following us will know that we tend only to focus on the positives. True, yet it's more than that, to focus on the positive you must also examine the negative. As life throws us curve balls and wow have we had some recently, solely focussing on the positives may not be that helpful.

Focussing on the negative to look for the positives AND to find a solution to reduce the negative is a great way to direct our focus currently. That's your task for today, and for tomorrow, and the day after. What are the positives of what you are facing and how can you reduce the impact of the negative.

I am so very proud of Team WARN who have done just that, found a positive in a negative situation. We are about to launch our third method of delivering our programmes - The WARN Challenge - to accompany our In-Person and our Online Video services.

Adhering to the three pillars of our business - Advanced Communications, Personal Safety, and Adaptability (Resiliency) - the WARN Challenge can be used either to reinforce the topics covered during our In-Person session, or as a standalone product.

It was hoped that we would launch the WARN Challenge on the 1st February. Like many things recently, our evolving world presented us with new opportunities to help organisations who were in need of support so our focus was rightfully directed there.

We have worked hard to bring this new product to market, even working on my birthday (we still celebrated though), to ensure that we can push the GO button on February 14th. Why not on that date, right!

Together we’ve got this. So let's talk!

How Will 2022 Unfold For You?

2022 started with a roar. We are so lucky to have such wonderful clients who see us as part of their business, just as they are a part of ours.

The year kicked off last week with a 6am Safety Start Breakfast for Aratu Forestry in Gisborne then a Leaders & Managers workshop. On to Oceana Gold mine Macraes Operation in Waitaki District, Otago for three workshops each day over four days.

Whew, what an amazing week. To top if off, presented with a T-Shirt from Aratu with 'Be a Hero for Zero' branding and a ride in a CAT 789C dump truck. (No free samples of their product unfortunately).

In the new world in which we find ourselves, it's all about adaptability - using the skills that we have in our business and delivering them wherever and however they are required. Long days, lots of travel, and doing that little bit extra as part of the service is what works for us.

How are you going to tackle 2022? Might I recommend head on. What is your point of difference, what extra thing will you do, how will you adapt to our new world? I would love to hear from you if you have a thought on this and willing to help if I can.

We have survived our ever-changing world by working together, we will continue to survive in the same way, by doing things differently together. May 2022 be a wonderful year for you and for those around you.

"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." - Thomas Jefferson.

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