Get Curious, Not Defensive

There are many methods for overcoming adversity - meditation, hypnosis, cognitive behavioural therapy, neuro-linguistic programming, aversion therapy, desensitisation, or distraction - all of which have their merits.

No single method is better than the other, each technique has pros and cons, it depends on the person on which the technique is being used. It is finding the right one for our self that is important, perhaps more important though is to keep trying if one method does not work.

Just as we need to find the right therapist, the important point here is to find a therapist that you truly connect with, we also need to find the right technique that we truly connect with. The technique that I have been having great success with is something stemming from RAIN therapy. Nothing to do with the weather if that is what you are thinking.

RAIN is an acronym for: Recognise - the feeling you are having; Allow - the wave of emotion as it hits; Investigate - your sensations, thoughts, emotions; and Note - what is happening moment to moment.

Dr Judson Brewer has worked for over 20 years with people suffering from anxiety. And they do suffer from anxiety as it is debilitating for people who have it. He has been successfully using this technique with his clients over recent times with wonderful results and published the results in his latest book Unwinding Anxiety.

The premise is that we as a species are naturally born without fear, we learn most of our fears. Let me ask you this if you are doubtful about the premise. If you place a young child next to a swimming pool, what are the chances of the child going into the water? Very high, right. Next to an open fire, how high is the likelihood that the child will want to touch the flickering flame?

What we are, as a species, is curious. We are curious to know, curious to learn, curious to find our boundaries. Hence, we will go into the pool or touch the flame. Here's how simple our brain works - we want to know what is down by the river so we go down there a crocodile lunged at us. Don't go down to the river from now on because last time that you went down there a crocodile lunged at you is what we remember.

We learn not to go down to the river again because we now have a marker in our memory about that event, the crocodile lunging at us. What we seldom stop to think about though is that we got away, we managed to outrun the crocodile. Nor do we stop and think after the event that the crocodile may have moved on to another part of the river. We simply avoid the river entirely to stay safe.

Our curiosity has been satisfied - don't go near the river ever again! In fact, we may have lost our curiosity about all other unknown rivers. What might happen if we kept that curiosity going and used it to overcome our fear of visiting rivers again? Just like getting back onto the horse that threw us off to overcome that fear.

If you are having trouble moving on from something in your past, particularly if it is accompanied with a nervous feeling, try this technique.

As that nervous, sickly feeling arrives, get curious with it. Think to yourself - "Hmmm, I wonder why you are back, what are you doing here, what are you trying to tell me?" Why not go further by welcoming it back and focus completely on the feeling. How does it feel, what part of your stomach are you feeling it in, is it moving around or is it static, is it increasing or diminishing, how long is it here for?

Just as the brain holds on to memories of negative events, designed to do so to keep us safe from harm, it also holds on to the feelings and emotions which are attached to that memory. As shown in my last book - Dark Side of the Brain - thoughts, feelings and emotions are interconnected.

If we push a negative thought, feeling, or emotion away, our brain can tend to hold onto it more because that is what our subconscious is designed to do. By getting curious and welcoming the thought, feeling, or emotion, our subconscious simply lets it go. We remove the negative attachment, we embrace the fear, and our brain says, "Nothing to see here, let's move on to something else".

Get curious with it, not scared of it. Don't push it away, bring it closer. Embrace it, not step back from it.

Let's talk!

What Are Dreams?

There are two kinds of dreams, the ones at night while the brain goes through its natural defrag process, and the ones in which we look ahead to a future event that seems beyond our reach.

The latter type of dream is really helpful in many ways. They excite us, they motivate us, they inspire us, and they give us direction or purpose. Dreams are more than just goals, they are beyond what we might otherwise think that we can achieve.

Goals are great, I am a very big proponent of setting goals, but not letting them restrict us. It is said goals should be SMART and that's okay for work, personal goals work far better if they stretch us and we dare to dream what we could truly achieve.

Sometimes, we achieve dreams without even realising that we had ever dreamed them. They come in moments of reflection. It happened to me last week when just about to go on stage.

I left school aged 15 without any qualifications, that's the earliest you were permitted to leave. I rose in my chosen career to become a construction manager with a bright future, then decided to join the police at the age of 35. Following a bout of depression mid-career, I rose to a very senior rank with another bright future only to leave at the age of 56 to start a business from scratch.

Last week, in front of the largest audience I had ever presented to, I had a moment of reflection. I was untrained as a keynote speaker yet here I was about to go on stage as the opening keynote to the largest conference of its kind in the country for the horticulture industry.

Dreams are not foolish, dreams are not for the dreamers, and dreams certainly are not a waste of energy. And, sometimes dreams come true without you even knowing that they we were ever a dream of yours.

How did I ever get here? In the same way that you can, keep moving forward. So, what is your dream, for they can indeed come true!

Disconnection Causes Anxiety.

For years we have known that people are becoming more and more reliant on our modern way of communicating. In many instances, it is far simpler to send a message than it is to talk. Talking is hardwired into our brain, and when we send a message electronically our brain does not register that we have 'talked' to someone. Thus, we don't feel the same satisfaction as if we had held an actual conversation.

For years we have also known the many adverse effects of using technology. The blue light used in our devices disrupt the melatonin sequencing breaking our sleep patterns and also increasing the risk of macular degeneration.

What is not so well known is that recent research indicates that our devices are severing the connection between the limbic and frontal lobes of our brain. The limbic system is where our emotions, memory, body temperature, sleep rhythms, and many of the essential 'alert' systems sit. Our frontal cortex is responsible for planning, reasoning, problem solving, and similar responsibilities.

In their book, Brain Wash, Doctors David and Austin Perlmutter explore the disconnection between the limbic and frontal lobes caused by our modern life. In summary, whenever we use our devices we receive shots of dopamine that reward us. Dopamine is highly addictive because it makes us feel so great.

Try sitting next to your device for two hours without looking at it!

The dopamine reward is not only addictive, but also severing the connection between the limbic system and the frontal lobes meaning we are no longer able to think things through fully before acting. Hence, we purchase things on the internet that we may not need, we post prolifically to get continual rewards, and we might make comments on social media that we wouldn't ordinarily say in person.

Furthermore, the more time that we spend on our devices the stronger the connection is to the pathways associated with impulse, anxiousness, and fear. Do you absolutely have to buy that item or make that comment right now, is it due to the fear that you will miss out or otherwise become anxious for not doing so, or is it the dopamine hit you crave? It's usually a double whammy - you don't want to miss out and you crave the dopamine hit.

That's not all. Dopamine is closely associated with addictive foods. Once you have brought that item or made a comment on social media, do you then celebrate with sweet foods?

With this disconnection, our impulses which are located in the limbic system, aren't being kept in check by the prefrontal lobe which is why we end in the spiral of anxiousness, worry, and anxiety.

The good news is that we can rebuild that broken connection, it just takes time. Restricting the use of technology is one option yet one that I least prefer. Technology has enhanced our lives and will continue to do so. Therefore, adaption is the key.

Learning how to use our smart devices more efficiently is a great start, limiting the time that we spend using them until we adapt properly. The most preferred method of adaptation is to exercise! Old fashioned, I know, but neuroscience confirms why exercise helps us reconnect between the two parts of our brain.

Have you ever gone for a short walk when you've had something playing on your mind and you felt much better when you got back? Ever suddenly had an epiphany while out walking, an idea suddenly spring into your head?

When we exercise for just 15 to 20 minutes, a few things happen. We burn off adrenaline and cortisol which means we will sleep much better as both of those 'chemicals' heighten our state or alertness . Endorphins are also produced as we exercise. Endorphins reduce pain making us feel calmer, and also reconnect the limbic with the prefrontal thus giving us our aha moment.

Let's talk!

Faith, Trust, and Love.

Having still not come down two days later following a week on the road with people unknown to me, apart from my youngest daughter, it is time to reflect on how we need three things to align if we want to move forward from past trials.

The first time that Shelly Davies and I met was at a conference we were both presenters at. I knew of her work from following her on social media and was a little star-struck when she approached me. Why would this amazing person want to talk with me? A builder, who became a cop, who became a speaker.

We chatted only for only a few minutes ahead of my second presentation at the event. Then, seemingly from nowhere, I get a message asking if I wanted to go on a tour with herself and another person who I had never met, Alicia McKay. "Yes, of course", I said without hesitating for a second.

Crazy. Why crazy, because I am not someone who collaborates much these days as it never seems to work out for either party. I've had my intellectual property used without permission, had clients taken from behind my back using my relationship as the introduction, and I am sure they may feel that I have done the same to them.

So, why now? Because of faith, trust, and love. Faith that this time it was going to be great, trust that I can collaborate with others, love for the work that I do. That was my initial thought. It cannot be that surely, that's too superficial.

I had not seen either person perform on stage before or knew what either one of them were going to speak about. Extraordinarily, neither of them had seen me on stage either. They must have had faith in their judgement, trust that I would deliver, and a love for their work.

The first night was full of nerves but went so well that, for me, it was like the very first time that I was ever on stage. Unbelievably exciting. It was also like the first time I had jumped out of an airplane, the first time that I drove a car all by myself, the first time that I saw my wife. The excitement was like the first time of everything I had ever done in my life, rolled into one.

I never slept much that night, nor much for the preceding four nights. Each event for the next three nights felt just like the first night, but better. Each of us on stage having faith in the other, gaining trust in each other, loving what each of us do.

It wasn't until our flight was cancelled and we had to drive for five hours that I really knew the meaning of how having faith, trust, and love works when all three come together. I was asked if I was open to a suggestion about enhancing my presentation. At the age of 63 and set in my ways, I've never been one to readily accept help nor immediately take suggestions that well.

I said, "Yes" without hesitation. After being together in a pressure-cooker environment, I knew that the people who I have been working, eating, and sharing accommodation with for the last three days had something to offer. I had faith in their observations, trust in what they were about to tell me would be of real value and was given with all of their love.

Minutes before going on stage on our last night, I changed my presentation slides. No pictures, no bullet points, no colours. A black slide with a couple of words. Who does that when things have been going really well? A person who has faith, trust, and love in those around them and in themselves.

It is hard to tell when on stage as to how well one does, and I am not one to pass judgement on myself, but it felt unbelievably rewarding to have placed faith, trust, and love in others. I am told it was fantastic, the best yet.

I am humbled. Humbled that people who didn't know me had the faith to ask me if I was open to suggestions, humbled that they trusted I would accept their suggestions, and humbled that they showed me love so I could grow.

There are often people in our world who would like to help us. Often we don't take their advice because we have been hurt before or perhaps reject their help because we think we know better. Maybe it's because it doesn't feel right, the timing isn't great, or you are just hesitant.

If the help offered to you is given in good faith, if it is given in such a way that you trust them, and if done so with love, accept it. If you are someone wanting to help others: build their faith in you, gain their trust, and help them with all of your heart, with love.

Faith, trust, and love. When these three things come together, great things will happen. Have faith in what you can do, learn to trust others, and love yourself as much as you love others.

Let's talk!

Is Your Brain Working Overtime?

The world has changed substantially in the last 18 months and will remain so for the foreseeable future. The arrival of Covid-19 into the world has tipped normality upside down and our lives suddenly became more complicated. Yet, for most of us, we may not realise how much so.

If you have any of the following indicators then you have been affected;

  • Thirsty for most of the day regardless of how much water you drink.

  • Eating more than usual, often craving sweet treats or fatty foods.

  • Feeling more tired than ever, even after a seemingly great night sleep. Perhaps you are feeling tired around midday rather than the usual 3pm.

  • Having mood swings, inwardly or outwardly, with all of your emotions heightened so that you seem to have no control over them. Anger and sadness washing over you in waves. Many of us are having angry outbursts that is not our normal response to what we would previously have simply shrugged off.

  • Wanting (needing) to go to bed an hour or so earlier than your usual bedtime because you can no longer stay awake. Or, you fall asleep in that comfortable chair when relaxing before bedtime.

  • When you do go to sleep, you have unusual dreams, mostly a mashup of events from your past. Now, you wake up three to four times a night whereas you once slept through the night.

  • Maybe you go into such a deep sleep that you didn't think that you dreamed at all and woke up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed.

If you have one or more of these things going on that you never had before, this is the post-covid era. Many of us are making excuses for this 'less than normal' behaviour - it's a busy time at the moment, I have a large project due, I am juggling many balls at the moment. That might be so, but our pre-conscious brain (subconscious mind) is also at play as we are unknowingly worrying about the future as our brain tries to find a safe way forward to what is happening. 

Our brain will always take the known pathway when we struggle with anything in life therefore we find the obvious excuse to what is happening. We will find the immediate solution rather than look for the actual cause, that's the unknown so it has no reference. Neural pathways, our regular patterns of behaviour, will always be the easier option.

As a species, we are subconsciously continuously looking for future risk which is always based on our past experiences, out timeline of events. Whenever we face what our brain perceives as danger and we go into fight-or-flight mode, our brain puts a marker in our long-term memory as a reference point for the future should something similar happen again. None of us have been through anything quite like this pandemic before so our brain is still trying to work out a response to this new danger.

Our brain does not enjoy this uncertainty, it views it as adversity, a dangerous situation that it needs to find an answer for. Hence, although not realising it, we are in continual fight-or-flight to a greater or lesser degree which results in the indicators listed above. As a result, it has caused a rise in anger and violence, globally. Fight (attack) or flight (run), fight is our first option because that's how we have survived.

So, what can we do about our current situation that would help satisfy and calm our pre-conscious brain?

Maslow nailed it in the 1930s. Back then there wasn't such a thing as brain imaging to find out what was going on inside of our heads, Maslow studied people instead. He noticed that for us to thrive, we had to get our base layer right first - food, shelter, sleep, water, air, and sex - the later for the survival of our species.

When you face challenges in your life, do you head for sweet and/or fatty foods? Or wine! How many of you cleaned your homes during lockdown like you have never cleaned them before and put it down to the fact that you had time, despite working from home? Maybe you just head off to bed in the hope that a good night's sleep will make it better?

The reason people lined up outside of stores ahead of the lockdown was to ensure that they had food for their family, just like our ancestors did, except we don't have to hunt and gather in the wilderness. How many of you cleaned your home, had a huge dinner, a couple of drinks and off to bed to help increase the population before going to sleep!

When I speak with people who survived an attempt to take their own life, often they would say that they just wanted to restart their lives. If we look at the Maslow model, I suggest that if they want to restart their life then they should focus on:

  1. Food - changing their diet to whole foods.

  2. Shelter - changing or improving where they live.

  3. Sleep - regain a consistent sleep pattern.

That might also be something that you want to try if you have been affected by your pre-conscious brain working overtime. Or might I suggest that you focus on the other two physiological needs, water and air. Drink more water to hydrate your brain and reduce the fight-or-flight response. Also, regulate your breathing to 6-second intervals ensuring that your breathing is always through your nose and is diaphragmatic.

As to the sixth physiological need, I'll let you decide.

Let's talk!

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