Overcoming Our Biases.

Each of us has a bias, a leaning towards one direction over another. In recent times there has been an awakening in the world as we are seemingly confronted with differing perspectives to our own. This is an important advancement in society for us as a species to continue to thrive. Some though, are resisting this awakening, using the term 'woke' in a derogatory way.

I came across a photo last week that was taken by someone who is in the midst of the turmoil of bringing people together by advancing our understanding of each other. The photo was taken on a marae, a meeting place where bias will still be present yet is put to one side and honest conversations are held in a safe environment, often with humour.

For me, the marae epitomises one way forward in our dynamic world if we are to improve as a society. Respecting each other's differences while working towards a common goal of progression and survival.

We can indeed learn a lot from each other if we are able to overcome our learned bias. For a bias is much more than a leaning towards one way or another, it inhibits our ability to see a situation from another's perspective and reduces the possibility of us developing. Our biases hold us back from learning, from understanding, from progressing. Dare I say it, we remain ignorant, lacking awareness.

So how are biases formed? Most biases are implicit, unconscious, and are formed in our formative years when our brain is neuroplastic and easily influenced by the environment in which we grow up.

Our brain prefers to run with a bias by grouping things together, forming associations, stereotyping. We take shortcuts to simplify how we see things, we seek patterns to stay within our (safe) comfort zone, and we are conditioned by those around us to 'fit in' thus feel connected. Overcoming our bias is difficult because we first have to be aware that we have one.

It is said that if we have an open mind then we will have a greater ability to overcome our learned bias. Often this is difficult to do. My preference is to take the longer route, to question everything, including questioning myself. Don't believe anything and question everything. Do so from as many sources as possible. Only then do we have a greater ability to identify our own bias when we compare our thoughts and understandings with that of others.

Is there any better way to do this than by following the rules of whaikōrero (speeches) on a marae? Each speaker taking their turn without interruption. Opposing views coming together to listen to each other, to challenge each other, to question each other, even to argue with each other, respectfully.

The next time that you feel strongly about something with an opposing view, take the time to question why that might be. Is it your upbringing, is it your known and safe pattern, or is it your ease of association that has caused you to think this way? Then challenge that view by questioning yourself in a respectful way.

Question everything, including your own thoughts. You might be right, then again you may not be. We each learn from the other, we are never an expert, for things change. We must always learn if we are to progress and survive.

Let's korero!

Vagus Nerve, Not Vegas Nerve!

It is said that you need to remain calm and have a strong nerve when gambling in Las Vegas. Calmness can easily be found if you focus on the strength of your very own vagus, your vagus nerve.

We all know about fight-or-flight, our sympathetic autonomic nervous system (ANS) that springs into action when we are faced with anything that our brain perceives to be a danger to us. Freeze is the third, lesser referred to response.

Freeze is our parasympathetic nervous system response; it opposes the more natural sympathy for our situation of extreme risk of death occurring when we are faced with an unknown danger. Freeze is our evolutionary response that allows us time to think before acting, the roots of this response believed to be a response to keep us alive by 'playing dead' to predators.

Our heart rate and breathing slow down as we try to figure out the correct response, time seems to slow, and a sense of calmness washes over us. On extreme occasions, our freeze will protect us from what we are seeing as fortunately happened to me once in my police career. I have no recollection of 'seeing' the dismembered body of a women as I entered a blood-splattered room.

It's the vagus nerve that is at play with all three of our ANS responses. The vagus nerve is our tenth cranial nerve, we have twelve of them, running from our brain stem through our spine and going to every major organ in our body. If the vagus nerve senses something is wrong in a particular organ it will engage a physiological action to keep us alive.

When we cough, sneeze, splutter, sigh, vomit, faint, and the many other automatic physiological actions we do to stay alive, you can thank the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is described as the body's main regulator so it is a vital nerve.

Want to know what gut instinct is? It is our vagus nerve sending signals from the change in the microbiomes in our gut to our brain that gives us the feeling that 'something's not right'.

We can stimulate our vagus nerve at any time to engage our parasympathetic nervous system and provide a sense of calm. This can simply be done by sighing.

Here's how it works. Sit up straight, take a very deep diaphragmatic breath through your nose, pushing out your stomach as you fully breathe in, then sigh as hard as you can. Now try and think of something, it's nearly impossible to think of anything. Do it again, how do you feel?

This is a simple technique to employ when you are having continued negative thoughts, when you feel that life is getting on top of you, or when you are simply flat out busy. Take a moment to sigh, to reset your mind.

Other ways of stimulating our vagus nerve are; deep breathing, yoga, taking a cold shower or splashing cold water on our face, eating foods high in tryptophan, intermittent fasting, consuming a probiotic, massaging the side of our neck, laughing aloud, gargling water, and even from chewing gum.

Bioelectronics is a new field of medical study showing great results in reducing stress and inflammation as well as relieving other medical conditions by electronically stimulating the vagus nerve.

Remember to sigh whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, despondent, or just feeling down. Just don't sigh when in front of someone you are talking with, life might suddenly get a whole lot worse for you.

Let's talk!

Fearless, Is There Truly Such A Thing?

According to most dictionary definitions, the word fearless means 'showing a lack of fear'. That for me is the key, 'showing' a lack of fear. The word itself when you break it down is fear less.

Fear is mostly learned, hence the reason each of fear different things, our levels of fear vary, and we react differently to our fears. An indicator that fear is learned, if a toddler is alone beside a swimming pool then what are the chances of the child going into the water? Very high. Similarly, if a toddler is near a fireplace or stove they must be watched carefully otherwise they will drawn to touch the heat.

Children, for the most part, are born fearless. How many times have you had to warn your child to take care as they approached a dangerous situation?

We are also born with is a desire to be inquisitive which is tempered by a natural desire to survive. If the toddler goes into the water they will naturally want to float, if they touch the heat they will run for help.

Therefore, if fear is learned then it can be unlearned. Or certainly minimised which is where treatments such as immersion therapy, desensitisation, and similar methods come into play. The length of the treatment directly correlates with the strength of the fear.

It takes courage to overcome fear because it is our strongest emotion, fear keeps us safe from harm. I have been fortunate enough to meet many heroes in my line of work. Not one of them did not feel fear when they completed their heroic action. However, what they all had was the ability to push through the fear and use the energy from the adrenaline that came with their fear.

Additionally, our brains are wired to run in neural pathways, patterns of behaviour, a known structure. When events occur that take us out of our comfort zone then fear is introduced to encourage us to get back to the known. We must resist that urge if we want to survive.

Fear is what holds us all back from advancing - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of harm, fear of what others might say, fear of being labelled, fear of.... Worry is nothing more than a fear of the future.

To adapt to our ever-changing world, it is imperative that we face our fears, that we embrace them, that we use fear for what it was designed to do, to manage our risk. For that is what fear truly is, a risk management tool designed to keep us safe from harm.

We will always have fear and we need fear to survive. Yet, you can indeed fear less. And, the more that you fear less, the greater the ability to become fearless.

Today, do that one thing that you feared. Whether it is reaching out to someone who you think might be struggling, whether it is seeking help for yourself, or perhaps it is just getting out of bed. You are a hero for you are still here.

Become a real-life hero and take on your fear, because we are all born to survive. Feel the fear, embrace it, and become fearless. The rewards are incredible.

Let's talk!

Reflection As A Crisis Negotiator On Managing Adversity.

Six years have flown by since resigning from the NZ Police and started my own business. I regularly get asked by attendees at our presentations and workshops, apart from the most common "Can you tell us a few war stories" - "What was it really like as a crisis negotiator?" I am always honest in my reply - "It is much easier than it seems when looking from the outside but the stakes are the highest possible."

It got me thinking, crisis negotiating is much like starting and running a business, and probably just like life itself;

  1. None of us truly know what is ahead of us - We can plan, we can strategise, we can think about exit points, but unexpected things always come along and throw us off course. Both good and bad events happen on our journeys therefore understanding that most things never go exactly as planned provides us with comfort. It happens to us all, not just me.

  2. The single best thing that we can do in life is to connect with others - There are three ways to get things out of our head when we have difficulty resolving our challenges - talk, write, and read - with talking being by far the best option. Why? Because each of us is restricted to what we have done in our own life and talking with others allows us to extend life experiences beyond our own and better resolve our problem.

  3. You are not alone - We often think that no one else has the same problem as us, that others won't understand what we are going through, that we are unique. You are indeed unique but you aren't the only one who has faced seemingly insurmountable challenges in life, all of us have. There is not one person on this planet who has not faced what seemed to them like a mountainous problem which they got through, and so can you too.

  4. We are restricted by ourselves - Richard Branson once famously said “If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!” Our brain is designed to keep us safe, to keep us within our neural pathways, to make us run in known patterns. Hence, we feel overwhelmed when uncertainty or adversity hits. That's normal, whatever normal is for you. Stepping outside of our comfort zone is how we get over life's challenges, running to the fire armed with the necessary tools to put out the flames. Learning how to do it later.

  5. You've got this - Each of us possess strengths that we do not know that we possess until we truly need them. All of us are better and stronger than we think we are. Often, we wait and struggle alone until we are at our lowest until we finally realise this. And, it is in our lowest point that we find how good and how strong that we actually are. It is in the depths of despair that we learn about our self. That is where the magic can happen if we are open to taking on our challenge and move forward. We don't however have to wait until that low point.

  6. Our mind is not set - It does take effort to make changes in our life but not as much effort as you think it might. All it takes is to change our mindset because our mind is not actually set. What a ridiculous term, mindset. It is simply that we to like to run in known patterns and we incorrectly think that things will get better if we stick to our known pattern. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is not insanity, it's how we are programmed, to keep us in the known where it is supposedly safe.

  7. Take care when making comparisons - We are a species who spend all of our day comparing the future with our past, this is an unconscious action designed to spot any changes that might bring about risk. If our unconscious mind thinks that we should know about the danger ahead then the comparison becomes a conscious one. And, unless we find a solution to the negative thought, we worry. Then we catastrophise - expand the negative aspect to make it easier to fix - then we think about other negative events - because our only reference is our past - then we find ourselves in the worry spiral. Bringing our unconscious to our conscious allows us to readily identify the problem and to rectify it. However, It is simply ourselves taking to ourselves about our self.

  8. Don't make excuses, make changes - When it is time to make changes, the excuses, or rather the reassurance, come to mind. "You've got through worse before", "Let's wait and see what happens", "It's never as bad as you think". We wait, ponder, ruminate, and regurgitate in the hope that things will resolve themselves. They probably won't. For they would have by now if they were ever going to! So, we make excuses. I can't because... and the list is endless. Don't make excuses, make changes. Do the opposite of your thoughts when they try to comfort and reassure you.

  9. We are same but different - As a human species we are very similar in the way that we function. However, it is the environment in which we grow up in, the experiences that we have had, and the people who we have interacted with that provides each of us with differing abilities. And, we are each limited in that regard when it comes to fixing our seemingly unique problems. If we haven't been through the same situation before then we have no reference on our timeline. By talking with others we are extending the experiences, the differences, the solutions. There is a reason that talk therapy has lived as long as breathing itself, because it works to sustain us.

  10. Now, is the right time to take action - Don't wait until a crisis negotiator answers your call for help, reach out now. Take on that challenge as soon as it arrives by talking, reading, then writing. Talk. Speak with others, not the ones who say "Stop worrying", "It's nothing to worry about", "Worry is simply a wasted energy", or the very worst thing they can say "What's the worst that can happen, it can't kill you?". Find someone else, someone who will sit, listen, and support. Read. Go to reputable sites and read about how others overcame their challenges. Write. Make a plan in writing with a pen on paper. It starts today, not tomorrow, for tomorrow is in the future and you are only ever in the present.

Let's talk!

Why Talking With Others Is Imperative.

There has been a lot of research undertaken as to why socialisation, including talking with other people, is so important for our wellbeing. The answers are many - it releases stress, builds relationships, provides support, helps us to grow, provides new pathways in our brain, brings a different perspective - and much more. The overall theme of the research is that talking with other people is very beneficial for us.

Each of us is unique because of what we have done in our lives, our knowledge and experiences, but this uniqueness can also limit our ability to help ourselves when problems are on our mind that we have trouble working through alone.

It is famously said that most often when we have something on our mind that we have difficulty resolving, "It's ourselves, talking to ourselves, about our self".

When we struggle with a negative thought that we cannot find an immediate solution to, we have to get it out of our head to avoid catastrophising and heading down the worry spiral. There are three ways in which to get something out of our head - read, write, and talk. Then, we must take some action to resolve the issue itself.

Reading does not get things out of our head; it simply extends our knowledge base which gives us an opportunity to find a solution. But this can be limiting if we read inappropriate or misleading information. Information to resolve our problem must be from a reputable source because the first piece of information that we read builds a neural pathway that is difficult to modify later.

Writing our thoughts down in a confidential journal or writing a letter and destroying it can be helpful in some situations, however the issue may return if we haven't processed it fully when writing it down. Writing tends to reduce the problem by getting it outside of our head but the problem may come back to our mind from time to time.

Talking is the best option to resolve those problems that we haven't been able to resolve ourselves. Talking with others extends the knowledge and experience needed to find the appropriate resolution strategy. Talking also helps to bring a new perspective to our issue, we can see things through a different lens.

I was once asked "Do we have to go through tough times to become a better person". My answer, "Yes, if it helps to improve ourselves in areas where we are most vulnerable." What I should have clarified further is that we shouldn't have to go through those times alone, we all need support in our tough times.

The person whom you speak with must be the right person. They must be non-judgmental, honest, and trustworthy. The last thing that we want when reaching out to another is for our confidant to make inappropriate comments, to be afraid to tell us what we need to hear, or for them to gossip with others. Moreover, it is extremely unhelpful if our confidant simply tells us "Not to worry!" Good luck with that one.

It is not the number of people that we have in our lives that matters most, it is the depth of those friendships that is of the greatest importance. Having one person whom we can trust to share our problems with is far better than having many people around us who we aren't genuinely connected with.

One person is all that we need to share with, or rather we might just want to share our issue the once. 'Shopping around' to find the answer you want to hear is not going to resolve your problem, nor is it helpful to share your problem more than once because you may be reinforcing the problem by building a neural pathway each time you talk about it.

Just the fact of talking with another will be enough to reduce the burden, a problem shared is often a problem reduced, rather than halved. If you feel comfortable, then ask a couple of people to be there when you talk about your problem. By doing so you are extending the knowledge and experience available to help therefore are more likely to find a relatable solution.

Once you have chatted and found a way through your problem then set about fixing it with a practical action. We can 'work at worrying or work on what is worrying us', our brain is going to work regardless of which one we choose to do. Working on our problem gives us something positive to focus on rather than the negative problem.

Sometimes we do have to take some time to process our problem before moving forward because pushing it aside means it will only return later. It might be best to feel the emotional reaction before setting about resolving it. Feeling the negative emotion will remind us about the problem and to avoid it again, plus we will remember that we can get through negative events in our lives if we have felt the emotion. Just don't dwell for too long on any negative emotion, less is best I believe.

So when is the right time to move on for you? Perhaps now is the right time to resolve your problem, before we enter the the Christmas holiday period. What better Christmas present could you receive than to deal with our problem, right now?

Let's talk!

Our Valued Clients

To see a full list of our clients please click on the images above