Faith, Trust, and Love.

Having still not come down two days later following a week on the road with people unknown to me, apart from my youngest daughter, it is time to reflect on how we need three things to align if we want to move forward from past trials.

The first time that Shelly Davies and I met was at a conference we were both presenters at. I knew of her work from following her on social media and was a little star-struck when she approached me. Why would this amazing person want to talk with me? A builder, who became a cop, who became a speaker.

We chatted only for only a few minutes ahead of my second presentation at the event. Then, seemingly from nowhere, I get a message asking if I wanted to go on a tour with herself and another person who I had never met, Alicia McKay. "Yes, of course", I said without hesitating for a second.

Crazy. Why crazy, because I am not someone who collaborates much these days as it never seems to work out for either party. I've had my intellectual property used without permission, had clients taken from behind my back using my relationship as the introduction, and I am sure they may feel that I have done the same to them.

So, why now? Because of faith, trust, and love. Faith that this time it was going to be great, trust that I can collaborate with others, love for the work that I do. That was my initial thought. It cannot be that surely, that's too superficial.

I had not seen either person perform on stage before or knew what either one of them were going to speak about. Extraordinarily, neither of them had seen me on stage either. They must have had faith in their judgement, trust that I would deliver, and a love for their work.

The first night was full of nerves but went so well that, for me, it was like the very first time that I was ever on stage. Unbelievably exciting. It was also like the first time I had jumped out of an airplane, the first time that I drove a car all by myself, the first time that I saw my wife. The excitement was like the first time of everything I had ever done in my life, rolled into one.

I never slept much that night, nor much for the preceding four nights. Each event for the next three nights felt just like the first night, but better. Each of us on stage having faith in the other, gaining trust in each other, loving what each of us do.

It wasn't until our flight was cancelled and we had to drive for five hours that I really knew the meaning of how having faith, trust, and love works when all three come together. I was asked if I was open to a suggestion about enhancing my presentation. At the age of 63 and set in my ways, I've never been one to readily accept help nor immediately take suggestions that well.

I said, "Yes" without hesitation. After being together in a pressure-cooker environment, I knew that the people who I have been working, eating, and sharing accommodation with for the last three days had something to offer. I had faith in their observations, trust in what they were about to tell me would be of real value and was given with all of their love.

Minutes before going on stage on our last night, I changed my presentation slides. No pictures, no bullet points, no colours. A black slide with a couple of words. Who does that when things have been going really well? A person who has faith, trust, and love in those around them and in themselves.

It is hard to tell when on stage as to how well one does, and I am not one to pass judgement on myself, but it felt unbelievably rewarding to have placed faith, trust, and love in others. I am told it was fantastic, the best yet.

I am humbled. Humbled that people who didn't know me had the faith to ask me if I was open to suggestions, humbled that they trusted I would accept their suggestions, and humbled that they showed me love so I could grow.

There are often people in our world who would like to help us. Often we don't take their advice because we have been hurt before or perhaps reject their help because we think we know better. Maybe it's because it doesn't feel right, the timing isn't great, or you are just hesitant.

If the help offered to you is given in good faith, if it is given in such a way that you trust them, and if done so with love, accept it. If you are someone wanting to help others: build their faith in you, gain their trust, and help them with all of your heart, with love.

Faith, trust, and love. When these three things come together, great things will happen. Have faith in what you can do, learn to trust others, and love yourself as much as you love others.

Let's talk!

Is Your Brain Working Overtime?

The world has changed substantially in the last 18 months and will remain so for the foreseeable future. The arrival of Covid-19 into the world has tipped normality upside down and our lives suddenly became more complicated. Yet, for most of us, we may not realise how much so.

If you have any of the following indicators then you have been affected;

  • Thirsty for most of the day regardless of how much water you drink.

  • Eating more than usual, often craving sweet treats or fatty foods.

  • Feeling more tired than ever, even after a seemingly great night sleep. Perhaps you are feeling tired around midday rather than the usual 3pm.

  • Having mood swings, inwardly or outwardly, with all of your emotions heightened so that you seem to have no control over them. Anger and sadness washing over you in waves. Many of us are having angry outbursts that is not our normal response to what we would previously have simply shrugged off.

  • Wanting (needing) to go to bed an hour or so earlier than your usual bedtime because you can no longer stay awake. Or, you fall asleep in that comfortable chair when relaxing before bedtime.

  • When you do go to sleep, you have unusual dreams, mostly a mashup of events from your past. Now, you wake up three to four times a night whereas you once slept through the night.

  • Maybe you go into such a deep sleep that you didn't think that you dreamed at all and woke up feeling just as tired as when you went to bed.

If you have one or more of these things going on that you never had before, this is the post-covid era. Many of us are making excuses for this 'less than normal' behaviour - it's a busy time at the moment, I have a large project due, I am juggling many balls at the moment. That might be so, but our pre-conscious brain (subconscious mind) is also at play as we are unknowingly worrying about the future as our brain tries to find a safe way forward to what is happening. 

Our brain will always take the known pathway when we struggle with anything in life therefore we find the obvious excuse to what is happening. We will find the immediate solution rather than look for the actual cause, that's the unknown so it has no reference. Neural pathways, our regular patterns of behaviour, will always be the easier option.

As a species, we are subconsciously continuously looking for future risk which is always based on our past experiences, out timeline of events. Whenever we face what our brain perceives as danger and we go into fight-or-flight mode, our brain puts a marker in our long-term memory as a reference point for the future should something similar happen again. None of us have been through anything quite like this pandemic before so our brain is still trying to work out a response to this new danger.

Our brain does not enjoy this uncertainty, it views it as adversity, a dangerous situation that it needs to find an answer for. Hence, although not realising it, we are in continual fight-or-flight to a greater or lesser degree which results in the indicators listed above. As a result, it has caused a rise in anger and violence, globally. Fight (attack) or flight (run), fight is our first option because that's how we have survived.

So, what can we do about our current situation that would help satisfy and calm our pre-conscious brain?

Maslow nailed it in the 1930s. Back then there wasn't such a thing as brain imaging to find out what was going on inside of our heads, Maslow studied people instead. He noticed that for us to thrive, we had to get our base layer right first - food, shelter, sleep, water, air, and sex - the later for the survival of our species.

When you face challenges in your life, do you head for sweet and/or fatty foods? Or wine! How many of you cleaned your homes during lockdown like you have never cleaned them before and put it down to the fact that you had time, despite working from home? Maybe you just head off to bed in the hope that a good night's sleep will make it better?

The reason people lined up outside of stores ahead of the lockdown was to ensure that they had food for their family, just like our ancestors did, except we don't have to hunt and gather in the wilderness. How many of you cleaned your home, had a huge dinner, a couple of drinks and off to bed to help increase the population before going to sleep!

When I speak with people who survived an attempt to take their own life, often they would say that they just wanted to restart their lives. If we look at the Maslow model, I suggest that if they want to restart their life then they should focus on:

  1. Food - changing their diet to whole foods.

  2. Shelter - changing or improving where they live.

  3. Sleep - regain a consistent sleep pattern.

That might also be something that you want to try if you have been affected by your pre-conscious brain working overtime. Or might I suggest that you focus on the other two physiological needs, water and air. Drink more water to hydrate your brain and reduce the fight-or-flight response. Also, regulate your breathing to 6-second intervals ensuring that your breathing is always through your nose and is diaphragmatic.

As to the sixth physiological need, I'll let you decide.

Let's talk!

Overcoming Our Biases.

Each of us has a bias, a leaning towards one direction over another. In recent times there has been an awakening in the world as we are seemingly confronted with differing perspectives to our own. This is an important advancement in society for us as a species to continue to thrive. Some though, are resisting this awakening, using the term 'woke' in a derogatory way.

I came across a photo last week that was taken by someone who is in the midst of the turmoil of bringing people together by advancing our understanding of each other. The photo was taken on a marae, a meeting place where bias will still be present yet is put to one side and honest conversations are held in a safe environment, often with humour.

For me, the marae epitomises one way forward in our dynamic world if we are to improve as a society. Respecting each other's differences while working towards a common goal of progression and survival.

We can indeed learn a lot from each other if we are able to overcome our learned bias. For a bias is much more than a leaning towards one way or another, it inhibits our ability to see a situation from another's perspective and reduces the possibility of us developing. Our biases hold us back from learning, from understanding, from progressing. Dare I say it, we remain ignorant, lacking awareness.

So how are biases formed? Most biases are implicit, unconscious, and are formed in our formative years when our brain is neuroplastic and easily influenced by the environment in which we grow up.

Our brain prefers to run with a bias by grouping things together, forming associations, stereotyping. We take shortcuts to simplify how we see things, we seek patterns to stay within our (safe) comfort zone, and we are conditioned by those around us to 'fit in' thus feel connected. Overcoming our bias is difficult because we first have to be aware that we have one.

It is said that if we have an open mind then we will have a greater ability to overcome our learned bias. Often this is difficult to do. My preference is to take the longer route, to question everything, including questioning myself. Don't believe anything and question everything. Do so from as many sources as possible. Only then do we have a greater ability to identify our own bias when we compare our thoughts and understandings with that of others.

Is there any better way to do this than by following the rules of whaikōrero (speeches) on a marae? Each speaker taking their turn without interruption. Opposing views coming together to listen to each other, to challenge each other, to question each other, even to argue with each other, respectfully.

The next time that you feel strongly about something with an opposing view, take the time to question why that might be. Is it your upbringing, is it your known and safe pattern, or is it your ease of association that has caused you to think this way? Then challenge that view by questioning yourself in a respectful way.

Question everything, including your own thoughts. You might be right, then again you may not be. We each learn from the other, we are never an expert, for things change. We must always learn if we are to progress and survive.

Let's korero!

Vagus Nerve, Not Vegas Nerve!

It is said that you need to remain calm and have a strong nerve when gambling in Las Vegas. Calmness can easily be found if you focus on the strength of your very own vagus, your vagus nerve.

We all know about fight-or-flight, our sympathetic autonomic nervous system (ANS) that springs into action when we are faced with anything that our brain perceives to be a danger to us. Freeze is the third, lesser referred to response.

Freeze is our parasympathetic nervous system response; it opposes the more natural sympathy for our situation of extreme risk of death occurring when we are faced with an unknown danger. Freeze is our evolutionary response that allows us time to think before acting, the roots of this response believed to be a response to keep us alive by 'playing dead' to predators.

Our heart rate and breathing slow down as we try to figure out the correct response, time seems to slow, and a sense of calmness washes over us. On extreme occasions, our freeze will protect us from what we are seeing as fortunately happened to me once in my police career. I have no recollection of 'seeing' the dismembered body of a women as I entered a blood-splattered room.

It's the vagus nerve that is at play with all three of our ANS responses. The vagus nerve is our tenth cranial nerve, we have twelve of them, running from our brain stem through our spine and going to every major organ in our body. If the vagus nerve senses something is wrong in a particular organ it will engage a physiological action to keep us alive.

When we cough, sneeze, splutter, sigh, vomit, faint, and the many other automatic physiological actions we do to stay alive, you can thank the vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is described as the body's main regulator so it is a vital nerve.

Want to know what gut instinct is? It is our vagus nerve sending signals from the change in the microbiomes in our gut to our brain that gives us the feeling that 'something's not right'.

We can stimulate our vagus nerve at any time to engage our parasympathetic nervous system and provide a sense of calm. This can simply be done by sighing.

Here's how it works. Sit up straight, take a very deep diaphragmatic breath through your nose, pushing out your stomach as you fully breathe in, then sigh as hard as you can. Now try and think of something, it's nearly impossible to think of anything. Do it again, how do you feel?

This is a simple technique to employ when you are having continued negative thoughts, when you feel that life is getting on top of you, or when you are simply flat out busy. Take a moment to sigh, to reset your mind.

Other ways of stimulating our vagus nerve are; deep breathing, yoga, taking a cold shower or splashing cold water on our face, eating foods high in tryptophan, intermittent fasting, consuming a probiotic, massaging the side of our neck, laughing aloud, gargling water, and even from chewing gum.

Bioelectronics is a new field of medical study showing great results in reducing stress and inflammation as well as relieving other medical conditions by electronically stimulating the vagus nerve.

Remember to sigh whenever you are feeling overwhelmed, despondent, or just feeling down. Just don't sigh when in front of someone you are talking with, life might suddenly get a whole lot worse for you.

Let's talk!

Fearless, Is There Truly Such A Thing?

According to most dictionary definitions, the word fearless means 'showing a lack of fear'. That for me is the key, 'showing' a lack of fear. The word itself when you break it down is fear less.

Fear is mostly learned, hence the reason each of fear different things, our levels of fear vary, and we react differently to our fears. An indicator that fear is learned, if a toddler is alone beside a swimming pool then what are the chances of the child going into the water? Very high. Similarly, if a toddler is near a fireplace or stove they must be watched carefully otherwise they will drawn to touch the heat.

Children, for the most part, are born fearless. How many times have you had to warn your child to take care as they approached a dangerous situation?

We are also born with is a desire to be inquisitive which is tempered by a natural desire to survive. If the toddler goes into the water they will naturally want to float, if they touch the heat they will run for help.

Therefore, if fear is learned then it can be unlearned. Or certainly minimised which is where treatments such as immersion therapy, desensitisation, and similar methods come into play. The length of the treatment directly correlates with the strength of the fear.

It takes courage to overcome fear because it is our strongest emotion, fear keeps us safe from harm. I have been fortunate enough to meet many heroes in my line of work. Not one of them did not feel fear when they completed their heroic action. However, what they all had was the ability to push through the fear and use the energy from the adrenaline that came with their fear.

Additionally, our brains are wired to run in neural pathways, patterns of behaviour, a known structure. When events occur that take us out of our comfort zone then fear is introduced to encourage us to get back to the known. We must resist that urge if we want to survive.

Fear is what holds us all back from advancing - fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of harm, fear of what others might say, fear of being labelled, fear of.... Worry is nothing more than a fear of the future.

To adapt to our ever-changing world, it is imperative that we face our fears, that we embrace them, that we use fear for what it was designed to do, to manage our risk. For that is what fear truly is, a risk management tool designed to keep us safe from harm.

We will always have fear and we need fear to survive. Yet, you can indeed fear less. And, the more that you fear less, the greater the ability to become fearless.

Today, do that one thing that you feared. Whether it is reaching out to someone who you think might be struggling, whether it is seeking help for yourself, or perhaps it is just getting out of bed. You are a hero for you are still here.

Become a real-life hero and take on your fear, because we are all born to survive. Feel the fear, embrace it, and become fearless. The rewards are incredible.

Let's talk!

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