How Can You Tell If They Are Unwell?

I am so fortunate to have had burnout, I am so lucky to have gone into depression, I am so blessed to have had thoughts of killing myself. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?

When asked about what it was like going into the deep, dark, lonely, frightening depths of despair, my answer is always the same - "I hated it beyond belief and now glad that it happened to me." I no longer take life for granted, things don't just happen to other people, they can happen to any of us.

A common question I hear from parents during my presentations is "How can I tell if my son or daughter is suffering from depression?"

Psychology tells us that the person will become tired, listless, have trouble sleeping, no longer interested in what they previously enjoyed, increased use of alcohol or drugs, won't care about their appearance, won't smile, express feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, lose confidence, become irritable, and avoid conversations.

That is an accurate list. There are a couple of other signs that you might also look for;

• They get busy - trying to run away from their thoughts, they won't be able to sit still for too long, they keep moving in an attempt to consume and control their negative thoughts.
• They become isolated - shutting themselves off from their friends, no longer wishing to leave the sanctuary of their bedroom, wanting to shut out the world.
• They won't look at you - they avoid eye contact at all costs.
• They begin to look pale - when in the depths of despair, blood goes to the centre core to protect the vital organs.

For me, the greatest sign that someone is in the depths of darkness is the lack of socialisation - no longer will they talk to anyone nor will they look at your face when you talk with them. Their brain is telling them to do things to protect themselves - "Go and hide, go and sleep, don't talk to anyone."

Their brain tells them to do the opposite of what they should do.

So, what should you do to help your loved one;

• Look after yourself first - you must be in a good place before helping others.
• Don't try and fix it - you can't force someone to get better, they must want to get better.
• Reassure them - let them know that you are there, that you love them, that you will do everything for them, in their time.
• Be gentle - on yourself and on them. Guide them to seek professional help and offer to go with them if they want you to.

Fear the worst? - if you fear they might be suicidal, you don't have to ask them directly “Are you thinking of killing yourself” if you don’t want to or can’t. Tell them you have been reading about suicide, the terrible stats, and that you read this post. Ask them if they have ever thought about suicide.

Bottom line, when in the depths of despair, we do not know what we are doing nor do we think about the consequences of our actions. Our rational brain has long gone, we are now in survival mode, we do not understand logic.

If in doubt, get them help. Let's talk!

Stop Thinking!

How much do you talk to yourself? Have you stopped to think about it? I bet you are doing it right now, am I right? You might be saying to yourself "I never do it", or maybe "I talk to myself lots". Either way, we do talk to ourselves continuously, it's just that often we don't know that we are doing it.

Science tells us that if your born prior to the 80's you have around 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. After the 80's, you may have upwards of 90,000 thoughts each day. That's quite a bit going on inside our heads.

Science also tells us that if we continually talk to ourselves, chances are the self-talk will become negative. And negative self talk may lead to worry, worry may lead to anxiety, anxiety may lead to being depressed, and so it goes on down the spiral.

So how do you stop talking to yourself and thinking so much? There are a couple of simple techniques to use, however it requires you to know that you are talking/thinking too much. If you don't know or aren't aware that you are doing it, take it that you are and utilise one of these techniques;

• Examine things - look carefully at an item and study it in great detail. Look at every part of the item and focus all of your attention on what you are looking at.
• Feel the vibe - if you are driving, feel the vibration from the road coming up through the steering wheel or listen intently to the words/song on the radio.
• Look forward to good things coming up - worry is always about something that hasn't happened or has happened and we are worried about the consequences of it.
• Flick that thought - wear a rubber band or hair tie on your wrist and flick it every so often to disrupt your thoughts and bring you back to reality.
• Blink your eyes - forcefully blink your eyelids once and as you do so, say to yourself (inside your head) "Stop" or "No".

All of these techniques are designed to disrupt our patterns of thought, to interrupt the neural pathways that have strengthened as we have focussed on what is troubling us for too long.

It takes 60 to 80 days to break a pattern (habit) so keep working at it. There is no quick method for this stuff, you are trying to overcome something that has become ingrained in your behaviour.

Stop thinking so much, stop talking to yourself, stop worrying so much. You will thank yourself for doing so.

Let's talk!

Was It Ever Meant For Me?

Pondering over a recent holiday, I wondered why it was that things weren't going right. A planned family trip began to unravel when some of the family could not travel due to illness. This set of a chain reaction that included;

• Reallocation of airline seats; Sitting in the heat on a bus for 30 minutes waiting for all passengers to deplane just in case one person decided to travel on the bus despite requiring a booking to travel; Directed to the wrong hotel room necessitating us dragging suitcases around the complex late at night; Allocated lodgings located on the side of the main road and directly opposite a pub which holds karaoke every night until past midnight; The venue not quite being up to the standards we anticipated from the photos on their website; Internet access costing $50.00 per day.

The list goes on. I found myself feeling disappointed at how the last 24 hours had unfolded that I began to get a little annoyed. The next day I set about making things right, and then I stopped myself before changing things.

What if this was meant to be? What if these things were occurring for a reason? What if I made the most of what we had?

I began to look at things through a different lens. The person who couldn't travel ended up in hospital, had they come on holiday they might have ended up in a hospital that wasn't quite up to the same standards. The children that were travelling may not have liked the rocky shores of the beach. Sleeping in a different part of the complex might have introduced different problems.

As the days went by, things began to turn around. Positive things began to happen - the accommodation was not so bad after all, we fell asleep laughing at how bad the karaoke sounded without hearing the accompanying music (and by the way, singing louder does not make your voice sound any better), we made our own arrangements rather than stay at the venue. We made the most of what was presented to us.

Things began to change for the better. Or did they? Was it simply that looking for the good in everything changed my perception? If things had started differently would they still be the same? Had we caught a different flight on a different day, had we gone to a different location, had we.....

What is for us, is for us. What is meant to be, just is. We can't answer what might happen if we made a different decision at a different time. Guilt and regret is a terrible thing and will eat away at us.

Make the most of whatever situation you find yourself in, start looking for the good in every situation, change the lens in which you see things. Who knows, doing this might just change your life.

Let's talk!

To Those Left Behind

I have no idea what it must be like to lose a child, nor would I ever want to. It is said, quite rightly so, that parents should never have to bury their child. We can only imagine the devastation, loss, soul-searching, and questioning that a parent would journey on the way to find answers.

In New Zealand, we currently have an epidemic of young people taking their own lives. I don't think that this is overstating the situation, international comparisons show us we are at the top of this sad statistic.

There has been a lot said about the suicidal victim, the person who took their own life, and not a lot about the primary victim, the parents and loved ones left behind to often wonder - what went wrong.

Nothing went wrong, except that a young person who struggled with coming to terms with events in their own life was eventually overwhelmed with their negative thoughts to the point where they could see only one option to stop the pain and hurt.

Having assisted the Coroner with many inquests into the successful suicides of young people, having intervened while young people intended to take their lives, and having been swamped with negative thoughts myself, I can tell you that there is no single reason nor single answer as to the cause of suicide.

It wasn't your fault, you did what you knew was right, you did everything that you could.

Having interviewed families of those who died from suicide, there were always so many questions left unanswered. Why didn't they ask for help, why didn't they tell someone, why didn't they come to me. If only...

Guilt, regret, blame, the list of emotions and thoughts is endless. Should I have taken them for another opinion, should I have forced them to get help, should I have had them committed, again the list is endless.

By all means grieve, grieve as much as you can, grieve for the loss of your baby. Please don't blame the system, please don't blame their friends, and most importantly, please don't blame yourself,

When we feel overwhelmed with negative thoughts, there is no clarity of thought. There is no simple way out, there is no obvious quick fix. The brain is not working as it normally would.

If I had one single suggestion for those who find themselves in this terrible and tragic situation of fare-welling a loved one to suicide - be kind to yourself. Be as gentle to yourself as you would have wanted to be gentle to your loved one.

Let's talk!

Are They Okay?

For such a small country, NZ is famous for over-achieving - rugby, sailing, mountaineering, engineering, farming, science, entrepreneurship - we can hold our heads high and be proud as a nation. There is one recent achievement that we should not be so proud of, our youth suicide rate.

Youth suicide is a world-wide phenomenon, NZ unfortunately leads the way.

The reasons for considering suicide are many; for the most part, it is due to a loss; a loss of status, loss of job, loss of relationship, a loss of something close to the heart of the person concerned. Often it is a combination of losses.

Fixing it requires a multifaceted approach, beginning in the home and with education. And I know there are better people than I who are working on how to reduce our rate of successful suicides.

What I would like to do is to offer a couple of tips on how to identify if someone is unwell and what you can do to offer immediate help. If you are wondering how I know this stuff, I have been on both sides of suicide - helping those in need and once considering it myself as an option.

Encouraging those who are struggling to reach out and speak about their troubles often won't work by itself, the person struggling is so unwell they don't know who to ask or how to ask. They are completely consumed by their negative thoughts and the emotional response this brings.

We know that exaggerated negative behaviour is an indicator - poor grooming, humourless, sullen, increased alcohol or drug consumption, express feelings of hopelessness & helplessness - the list is endless. It is negative thoughts leading to negative behaviour. There is a noticeable change in their posture and mood.

For the most part, those who are unwell won't look at your face when you talk to them. The brain is telling the person to hide from others. However, it can be difficult to judge this single indicator in young people because a lot of our young won't look at you when you talk with them anyway. They may also hide away in their room, won't go outside, won't be engaged in anything involving the family. Again, often this is just young people in general.

What young people stop doing the most when they are unwell is being with their mates. They reject all forms of human connection.

So what can you do to help them, apart from seeking expert help? Ask them how they are doing, it's that simple. "How are you, I am concerned about you, I care about you." Ask questions about what they are thinking about or what they are feeling. A light touch on the arm or shoulder may work as you ask questions - oxytocin is a powerful influencer.

If they don't want to talk then don't push them too hard or you might push them further away. Give them options, give them tips, give them hope.

End the communication by saying "I am here when you need me, will go with you when you want to see someone, and here if you ever want to just talk." Don't try to fix it unless they are really unwell - if they look extremely pale then you must get them immediate help.

Each day ask a simple question "How are you today", "How's it going", "I'm here if you want to chat" or the best sentence of all "I love you."

Encouraging those who are unwell to talk about their thoughts and feelings is how you as an individual can reduce the risk of suicide. 'An emotion expressed and acknowledged is disarmed'.

Go and visit your GP, see a psychologist, or speak with a Counselor to get more information and advice. And most importantly, look after yourself. You can't help anyone if you aren't on a solid foundation.

Let's talk!