Why am I So Hard On Myself?

Most of us do it - over-think, over-react, over-worry, and over-analyse - and I for one am over it. But I can't seem to stop myself from doing it. I teach this stuff and even I can't think positively all of the time. Why is that, what hope do others have if I can't stop myself from doing it?

The truth is we can't stop the negative bias that is hardwired into our brain. I have met many positive people and when asked if they are positive all of the time the answer is always the same, no.

We need that negative bias to keep us safe, to keep us from making the same mistake that got us into trouble last time, to keep us from doing dumb things, to keep us on alert and to keep us at our best.

I challenge anyone to tell me that they have never had a negative thought, never sit and ponder over their mistakes, never have a thought of guilt or regret, and never wondered "What if" or "If only". History (evolution) ensures that we have these thoughts so that we can survive and thrive.

What positive people do is to manage the negative thinking by; making amends, dealing with it in some practical way, looking for the positives, or dismissing it altogether and moving on if none of the first three options are available.

That's the secret in all of this, if you can't fix it then forget it. As the over-thought comes into your head - acknowledge it, apologise or make amends for what occurred, work hard to make it right, look at what you learnt from it, - and then move on as quickly as possible.

Remember that we cannot change 50% of worry, it is hereditary. The other 50% we can change because it has become a habit. And a bad one at that.

Worry, guilt, and regret - these are the things that will take you down if you continue to let them get the better of you. (And that’s all they are, thoughts). The next thing that will happen if you keep thinking this way will be feelings of failure, that you aren't good enough, that you aren't worthy. And then will come the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Stop being so hard on yourself, stop all of those dangerous over-thinking practices that you have become accustomed to, and stop those negative thoughts as much as you can. The more that you practice this the easier it will become.

Break the habit, right now. You are the only you that we have, and the world needs you.

Use Your Brain To Manage STRESS.

As promised, here are some 'brain' (mind) techniques for you to try over the next few weeks and see which one works best for you after you have tried them all.

There are a couple of caveats - if you are very unwell you must seek professional help, not every one of these techniques will work for every person, and you have to work hard at them.

These techniques are not as simple to do as just putting on a pair of running shoes and going for a jog - which of course is very good for you - you have to use your brain to control your mind, or is it your mind to control your brain? Anyway, here they are;

• Stop thinking negatively - the hardest of all techniques to master but one that will give you the maximum benefit if you get it right. Negative self-talk will quickly have you believing that what you are saying inside your head is the truth. It isn't, it's your brain trying to look after you in a weird (wired) way. Rather than doing that, which most of us do by the way, replace negatives with positives to fill the void. Concentrate on what you got right when you made a mistake, always look for one positive when things go wrong, and think about the next step forward rather than dwelling on the negative past.

• Be thankful - similar to the above technique, thinking about what you have and being thankful for these things rather than thinking about what we desire is a great way to make you happier. Studies show that people who practice gratitude, both being thankful for what they have and also offering help to others, are far more relaxed and sleep better than those who do not practice gratitude. Thank someone, offer to help, tell a loved one that you care about them, and only seeing the good in everything are other gratitude techniques for you to try.

• Maintain a positive attitude - if you think it is going to be hard it will be, if you think it is going to be easy the same will occur. Always have a positive attitude by thinking that you can do it, tell yourself that you've got this and it will go smoothly. Smiling and a tall posture will help your positive mental attitude, a lack of facial expression and hunched shoulders will add to your negative attitude. Stand tall, smile, tell yourself that "I've got this!"

• Face your fears - At work, if you do not like doing something or have difficulty doing something or are afraid of actually doing it, you need to do more of it. Elite soldiers and emergency service workers face a lot of fear in their work, and they run towards their fear. This is how they overcome their natural predisposition to fear, they run towards it with a positive mental attitude and put the energy that fear provides to good use. Do not overthink your fear/s; make a plan, practice it, and put it into action. The more you face your fears the easier it becomes and you will start to look for more things to do that make you afraid.

• Let it go - there is little that you can do to change the past other than to fix what you can as much as possible and apologise to those you have hurt if you can't undo what is done. There is not one person who has never made a mistake. Deal with your past demons as much as possible, without adding to the damage already caused (i.e. by hurting others), and move forward. Dwelling on the past will hold you there, as time moves forward you will be stuck back in time. Put your mistakes into a box and bury them deeply by making new positive memories. "Turn your wounds into wisdom" - Oprah Winfrey.

Next week's posts will be filled with random topics as I take a short break to enhance my coaching programs and update the resiliency techniques on the latest research. See you then.

STRESS Buster For The Emotional Brain - Brain Fitness

The 'emotional brain' is where we feel things such as fear, sadness, disgust (hate), anger, and joy. It is part of the limbic system that also includes memory and few other bits and bobs (a technical term for lots of stuff). This is the part of the brain that we should work on more often if we want to stay well in our head.

So often we focus on our physical body - how fit we are, how much we weigh, how good we look, what fuel we put into our bodies - and we forget that we also have a brain to look after. It is true that if we look after our body there are many benefits for the brain such as the release of feel-good chemicals, growth of neurons, and higher self-esteem. However, our brain controls our body so this should in fact be the first place that we start.

Personally, I didn't do any of this and I became unwell in my head. I got brain sickness. To become well again, I worked on my brain more than on my body. (Some might say I am still a bit crazy!)

Brain fitness, controlling our thoughts, can often be difficult hence we either put it off or we try a little bit of it and it soon becomes too hard so we fall back to our previous negative-thought patterns.

Controlling your thoughts is one of the best things that you can do for your brain. The problem is that we don't start thinking about our thoughts until we become unwell. Your brain has a negative bias, it will try to focus only on the things that it thinks will help you - danger - to keep you safe from harm. If we let it take control, our brain will continue to focus solely on the negative aspects of life, your brain becomes a doom & gloom merchant.

The bad news is that fifty percent of this pattern is hereditary, you can't change it. The good news is that the other fifty percent can be changed, and that is more than enough to keep you well (sane). You can stop thoughts of worry, fear, fretting, anxiousness, and you can learn how to be resilient. Why, because they are just thoughts. You just have to do the hard work to control them.

I am still learning all about this brain stuff myself, and I often forget to do what I teach until I start to feel myself worry and fret more than usual. When I recognise my signs (worrying about everything and expressing these worries like a drama king) I work on changing my thoughts by ignoring the negative ones, looking for positives in what I am ding and focussing completely on what I can control.

That's the first thing that I want you to do until my next post, focus on what you can do not what you can't do or what hasn't yet happened. Our brains are wired to exaggerate negative thoughts, you can control this by being in the moment, in the here-and-now, concentrating on what you can do, and focussing on what you have control over.

If you catch yourself having negative thoughts, say to yourself "No" or "Stop". Keep repeating that mantra to yourself inside your head, not out aloud for obvious reasons.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool to control your emotional brain, and the good news is that you can't overuse it.  

How Much Time Do You Have In A Day?

Actively posting nearly every day over the last two weeks, I began to think about how overwhelming all this information might be. Particularly so for someone who is struggling for time or maybe a little unwell or can't slow their brain down long enough to consider many the options.

From the numerous readings that I have undertaken over the last few months, every book on resilience, well-being, wellness, and the myriad of other topics on self-development espouse the benefits of taking 30-minutes each day to do what they suggest is the best thing that you can do for your health and wellness.

Depending on which book, article, research paper, journal or dare I say it LinkedIn Post, I should be spending 30-minutes on; reading, quiet time, meditation, training my brain, meditation, visualisation, exercise, prayer, listening to music, doing something that I enjoy, meeting new people, doing something to excite me, doing something to relax me, etc., etc.

There is only so many hours in a day and to do all of these suggestions would fill the entire day. So what is best single thing that is the very best for your mental and physical health?

Exercise. A 30-minute medium-to-fast pace walk at the end of the work day.

This form of exercise has to be undertaken at the end of each work day to burn off any remaining adrenaline and cortisol in your blood from the day's stressors. If you still want to go to the gym at the beginning of the day, fantastic, go for it. But why not do a little bit of cardio at the end of each day as well?

If exercise is not for you, or perhaps for some reason you are unable to do this activity, then simply choose one of the other activities from the list I have provided over the last few weeks. Pick one activity that resonates with you as most are of equal benefit. Better still, why not do a different activity each day to spice things up a bit.

It only takes 30 minutes each day to keep yourself well, surely you can find that much time in your busy schedule? If you just said "no" to that question, then you need to change what you do because you are far too busy and won't last for much longer at that hectic pace.

Slow down, you move too fast, you've got to make the morning last..... and feeling groovy - Simon & Garfunkel.

Even More STRESS Buster Techniques!

How about a few more stress buster techniques you ask? Well here you go, some very short easy things to do to manage stress;

• Eat right - the better you eat, the better you feel, the better you perform. I am no dietitian but what I do know is that you need to cut as much sugar out of your diet as possible. It's that simple.
• Pray - praying has been found to have the same benefit as meditation.
• Love - not that kind of love, (although that is also very good for you), do more of what you love doing. Choose one thing each day that excites you or makes you happy. Furthermore, be around those who you want to be around, particularity those who make you laugh.

In case you didn't notice the first three techniques - Eat, Pray, Love!

• Reading - reading, particularly action fiction novels, has been found to have great benefit for your 'emotional' brain in the same way that prayer and meditation has.
• Take regular breaks - when under the pump we tend to try and work harder to catch up or to get ahead. Take it from me, no matter how hard you work you will never catch up. Take a break every 50 minutes to stretch, get a drink, go for a quick walk, or maybe just to go to the toilet. Research shows that the more breaks you take the more efficient you become.
• Exercise - 30 minutes of exercise at the end of each workday is enough to burn off any adrenaline and cortisol that has built up over the day.
• Be a learner - your brain likes to be active, interested and excited about new things. It has a thirst for information because each night it dumps out what hasn't been used in the last 30 days. (I doubt that you would end up with nothing in your head if you didn't learn new things but let's not risk it!) Learn as much as you can to keep your brain active, you will never ever be able to fill it up.
• Reward yourself - Treat yourself to one pleasurable thing each day which will stimulate the good chemicals in your brain.
• Play - there is a child in all of us, satisfy that child by playing as much as you can. Do whatever it was that you enjoyed doing as a child.
• Break routines - three letters in the word RoUTine = RUT. If you end up in a rut it is actually worse for your brain than being too busy.

Next week I will provide more quick fix things to do to manage stress, these will be for the most important part of your brain, the emotional part that keeps us thinking about what could go wrong.

Don't be frightened by them, be excited.