Job Interviews - Finding the Truth.

You are sitting opposite someone you are interviewing to fill a vacancy and you want to dig a bit deeper to find the truth. There are many ways of doing this, here are a few quick and easy techniques which start low-key and end with a direct challenge;

• Body language - they shift in their seat as they speak, have a forced smile, won't look you in the eye or hold your gaze for too long, they stutter or falter, a facial micro-expression, have a hand over their mouth, a rub of the nose, or perhaps you just have a 'feeling' that what has been said is not quite right. (Words come from the left side of the brain, body language from the right. Hence, there are indicators if the two don't match).
• Focus on the lie - leave a slight pause before saying "If I have heard you correctly....", then paraphrase their lie. (We don't like our lie told back to us.) If they lie again - leave a longer pause this time (silence is golden as they say) then say "This is important, can you go back over that and this time I will take some notes". This will trap most liars.
• Drill down on the lie using their ego - ask them lots of questions around the finer details of what they have told you. All the time you are playing to their ego by saying things like "Wow, that's amazing" or "That's fantastic" or "I could never have done that". Keep asking open-ended questions to encourage them to talk, the more they do the braver they get and the bigger the lie until eventually it will become obvious that what they have told you is untrue.
• Probing questions - similar to the last technique, this time you drill down into the minutia by asking for the smallest of detail starting with an open question and ending with a closed one. "You said before that you were responsible for...., tell me more about the steps that you took". Keep drilling down like this and ask for as much detail as possible. Then ask your closed questions. Eventually you will know if it is truthful.
• Challenging questions - this technique is used when it is evident that the person has lied. Start by asking questions in a non-confrontational way and end with a direct question. "That sounds almost too good to be true", "I can't believe something like that could happen", "Did you actually do that?", "That seems a bit far-fetched doesn't it", and end with "Are you being honest?"
• Supporting their lie - Now it is time to ask them for supporting evidence. Is there someone else who can verify what they have told you, is there a document trail, perhaps some media. You might even say "Can I confirm this with your ex-employer, your referee or someone who worked with you?"

By far, the majority of us are honest during an interview because we value our honesty and may have a fear of being caught out. However, most people exaggerate and that is not a lie, it's an embellishment! 

Bullying, Harassment, Threats - It's Not Okay.

Before going into an organisation with my coaching programs, I run a survey question - "What it is that people say or do that annoys or frustrates you in your work." The majority of responses return with examples of internal conflict, bullying being the main one.

The evidence is out there, we are angrier and sadder than we ever have been before and it is often reflected in the way we talk to other people when we are annoyed, confused, or frustrated.

For the most part, our communication style has changed across the generations. What Baby Boomers would to say to each other thirty years ago was often viewed as the norm, today it is quite rightly viewed as bullying. "Get on with it you lazy so-and-so" was how I was motivated at work. Crazy when I think back on it.

Anecdotally, the majority of bullies are Baby Boomers who were 'motivated' in the same way that I was. We need to change.

Bullying has many underlying reasons - low self-esteem, incorrect upbringing, peer pressure, modelled behaviour, poor health, etc., etc. These are not excuses; they just help to explain the reason why which may help us to identify a solution.

Bullying was rife in the military under the guise of 'orders', they have subsequently changed because they know it doesn't work to get the best out of people.

What should you do if you are being bullied at work;

1. Give them one chance - Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret. I am a big believer in giving everyone one chance, let it slide this time but record the details of the interaction.
2. Hold that thought - Never confront the person at the time of the bullying, allow at least two hours until you speak with the person to enable your adrenaline to dissipate. I prefer to wait overnight. If you don't do this, you might end up saying the wrong thing as emotions run hot.
3. Write it down - Record in writing what was said and how you felt about it. This is an important step, not for the purpose of using it as ammunition in a court case but to allow you to start thinking from your left brain - your rational brain - rather than from your right brain - your emotional/defensive brain.
4. Think about what you want to say - Have a plan, not a plan of attack but of conciliation. This is what the person said, this is how I felt about what they said, and this is what I would like to see happen from here forward.
5. Arrange a time to meet - Ask to speak with them at a time that suits them so that they can give you their full attention.
6. Confront the behaviour, but be nice - Remind them of what was said and how you felt about it. Ask if there was a reason as often there is one. Give them a chance to respond while you control your breathing...
7. Put them on notice - Ask the person what they would like you to do if it happens again. "Should I speak with you immediately if this happens again or would you prefer me to wait until the next day like I have done this time?"
8. If it happens again - Now it's time to get serious as this is now a third occasion. Report the repeated behaviour to a superior or to a union representative.

You will note that all the way through this process you make it about them. That's the key, make it about the other person. If you confront bullying in a confrontational manner, then you become the bully.

It's Time To Get Real, Let's Talk.

I have just read an article on an amazing suicide prevention program in NZ for Maori that is having great results. I am passionate about preventing suicide as it has impacted on me and on my family.

I was a police officer, and proud of it. The police are resourced to, amongst other things, police our roads. they spend an enormous amount of time, energy and money to further reduce the 150 road deaths each year. And rightfully so.

I wonder how many people we have preventing the 569 suicides each year? Three times the number of deaths each year from suicide as there are killed on the roads! We know that there are many more people injured than there are killed, and that this also has an impact on the families. But so does suicide. The impact of suicide on family and friends is probably under-estimated.

Ignorance is dangerous. Ignorance on suicide and the causes even more so. Suicide can happen to anyone, trust me. If the right set of factors are at play it could well happen to you.

It's time to get real on suicide. Our loved ones, our heroes, our celebrities, our friends, and our neighbours are needlessly killing themselves. I say needlessly because there aren’t enough suicide prevention initiatives, enough discussion, or enough resources put into suicide as there is into policing our roads.

There are people are out there trying their very best to help to educate on suicide. People who have been there, people who have stood on the edge and by good grace or by good luck have survived. Yes, there are those people who have studied, researched and learned about suicide and suicide prevention who are also helping. But they have not been there.

Something has to be done, and done soon.

I am no expert on this stuff. Yet having stood on the bridge on both sides of the handrail, I can tell you that having someone come to me and tell me what is going to happen if I didn't look after myself, or if I was to face an unplanned tragedy or disappointment, or if I started having dark thoughts, that I could end up thinking about suicide then I may have listened.

Let’s get real about suicide, let’s work together and talk about prevention strategies that are making a real difference.

How Can I Help, Please Tell Me.

For the last two years I have been posting on what matters to me. Many of you have enjoyed them and have taken the time to say so, and for that I am very grateful. If you have been following my posts you will also know that recently I said that I would no longer focus on myself, (very hard for me not to do), I want to focus on you.

To that end, I would like you to provide me with suggestions on topics that I can post on that could be of help to you or someone that you know, (I know it will actually be for you but that'll be our little secret).

I have been having great success lately in my workshops when I ask the audience for role-play topics. I will then play that person with the entire audience against me asking relevant questions. It's not only fun - for the audience that is - it helps everyone to understand how to communicate easier in challenging situations.

I would like you to send me some suggestions on what it is that you would like me to discuss in my posts. Topics could include;

• Bullying - workplace, school, home, or in social media.
• Bosses - how to put your boss on notice in a nice way to stop whatever behaviour you want them to stop.
• Presentations - standing comfortably in front of an audience in meetings, providing training. keynote speaking, etc.
• Generations - communicating across the five generations, how young people can communicate with the old (that's anyone 10 years older than the 20-year-old is considered old), how old people (50 years plus) can communicate better with the young (under 21).
• Emotional people - how to deescalate the angry, control the sad, stop the swearers, etc.
• Difficult employees – managing those who annoy you, are boisterous, or say/do inappropriate things.
• Interviewing - how to get information out of someone quickly and thoroughly without pressure.
• Suicide - what is happening to the person, what are they thinking, how to recognise signs, what to say and do, how to keep yourself safe, or how to keep them safe as much as possible.

Anything at all that I might help you with to make your life that little bit easier.

With your suggestions, you can either;

• Reply/comment to this post.
• Send a personal message through this medium.
• Go to my website and hit the 'Contact Us' tab - www.warninternational.com

Please note that all submissions will be considered and you will remain anonymous. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Trolling - What Can You Do?

Trolling used to be something people we did when fishing, today it has quite a different meaning and one that has been known to destroy lives. According to Wikipedia, where trolling became a real issue for them when they first started, trolling is internet slang for someone who posts inflammatory comments on another person’s post.

For the majority, trolls are small minded people who get a real buzz from posting negative, defamatory, or threatening comments. Essentially, they are bullies. And most bullies need to boost their self-esteem by picking on weaker people. In my opinion, Trolls are worse than bullies, they do it anonymously without fear of retribution. Trolls go to extraordinary lengths to hide themselves to remain anonymous therefore have no fear of being confronted.

I liken trolls to the latest phenomena of 'king hitters', the aptly named ‘cowardly punchers’ because they strike people from behind or without warning to feel good about themselves. However, they have no idea of the personal consequences of their actions.

Of those who I have spoken to who have suffered from the actions of trolls, and believe me people do suffer personally as a consequence of trolling, when they have located the troll that person has been an insignificant person who did what they did out of ignorance, jealousy, revenge, or just to be the centre of attention.

Replying to the troll is the worst thing that you can do as it justifies their existence, they have won in their own eyes if you respond negatively.  

I've had them, and still do on occasion. I just post back telling them to Google my name and look at my previous career and to keep doing what they are doing if they want me to take it to the next step. 

So what is the next step? 

Ignore the post it is the first option, let people see what an idiot that person is. Their post is a reflection of them, not of you. Nonetheless it is still hurtful. Deleting the post if you can do so is your second option, or block the person altogether is the third. That's the easy steps. Another option is to respond pleasantly and thank them for posting their opinion, it is often hard to come back at someone when they are nice to you.

There are laws around using the internet as a medium to spread gossip, rumour, fear, defamation, slander, not to mention threatening harm. And new laws are being constructed as Government comes to grip with the explosion of social media and the subsequent cyber-bullying.

Reporting trolls to the police is a good option if the posts are of a hostile nature. Why? Because trolls may take it to the next level and become disaffected, that's how radicalisation works. When I studied radicalisation 10 years ago there had to be human contact for a person to become fully radicalised and it was a lengthy process, this is no longer the case. People can swiftly become disaffected through the internet and social media. 

For the most part, ignore the troll. Don’t let them win.

To the trolls out there, why not post your opinion in an intelligent and respectful way. You will gain much more respect and you might just win your argument.