Offer A Kind Word.

As a former crisis negotiator, I know too well the value of saying the right thing at the right time. It can mean a successful conclusion to a tense situation or a bad end if the wrong thing is said. But is a kind word actually effective in helping others or does it just make you feel good by saying it?

Intuitively, and probably obviously, using harsh words won't win you friends but using nice words and compliments will. Here are some lesser known facts about the words that we use.

Science tells us that words are processed in the left side of the brain, the logic side. When we hear a song for example, the words are processed on the left and the music is processed on the right side of the brain, the creative side. Logic equals listening intently without emotion therefore we need to take care in what we say.

Psychology tells us that the words we use when talking to others indicates our own personality, emotional state, social connection and thinking style. Offering kind words increases connections in the brain and with the other person. Kind words are contagious, if someone says a nice word about you there is a tendency for you to do the same for someone else.

Research conducted on words revealed that calling a female partner 'baby' releases oxytocin in her brain therefore makes her feel good. Hence the wide use of the term 'babe'. If we hold positive words in our brain and repeat them over and over it motivates us into action. Conversely, using words such as 'can't, 'won't', and 'no' have a negative effect on us. The word 'because' has been found to be persuasive when used in sentences. People hear up to the word ‘because’ and become satisfied at that point with what you have just said. "You need to do this because...." and they don't care why.

Studies are continuing into the longer term benefits of offering someone a kind word, overwhelming evidence is that the short term benefits are enormous. As with smiling and hugging, saying a kind word not only helps the other person it also helps you. 

In the words of Thumper from the movie Bambi; "If you can't say something nice, don't nothin at all".

The Value of a Hug

Why is it that we feel so good when someone has given us a hug and will hugging someone help our wellbeing?

 Science tells us that the positive effects of a hug are similar to that of smiling including the release of dopamine and serotonin, it enhances our immune system and balances our nervous system, as well as reducing our heart rate. Oxytocin is also produced which is our social bonding chemical and gives us that ‘wow’ feeling.

Psychology indicates that hugging reduces the worry around mortality, provides us with feelings of safety and security, improves honest communications, lifts self-esteem, teaches us how to give and to receive, and encourages empathy and understanding.

Research reveals that a hug may improve our immune system, a well-hugged baby will have less stress levels as an adult, it decreases feelings of loneliness, and provides similar effects to that of meditation.

A note of caution, both science and research indicates that there are far greater benefits from hugging someone you love than from hugging a stranger. By all means hug a stranger, just know that the benefits may only be in a one-way direction.

Does A Forced Smile Actually Work?

I thought that I might spend the week talking about those little things we can do that supposedly benefit ourselves and others for many reasons - a smile, a hug, a kind word, giving to another, and of having faith.

A Smile

What really happens when we smile and does it have benefit for ourselves and others? There are two types of smiles - the genuine, or Duchenne, smile (Google it!) and the forced smile.

Science tells us that the immediate benefits of smiling include the release of 'feel good' chemicals in our brain such as neuropeptides to reduce stress, endorphins which relieve pain, serotonin to help you feel and sleep better, and dopamine which makes you feel REALLY good. Early indications are that smiling may also change the temperature of blood to the brain, although work is still needed on this hypothesis.

Psychology tells us that your facial expression can alter your mood. Smiling can bring back happy memories, can reduce pain, increase memory, make you view things in a positive way, and reduces stress levels through a decreased heart rate.

Research shows us that smiling makes you look better, appear more friendly and approachable, makes those around you feel better and is infectious to others. It is also shown to be a great way to de-escalate tense situations if used appropriately.

There are far more benefits from a genuine smile than there are from a forced smile however the mantra of 'fake it until you make it' is one which has strong ties to a forced smile. If you force a smile long enough, you WILL feel better.

There it is, you cannot argue with science, psychology and research. If you do want to argue with it, smile and see if you still want to after an hour or so.

What Should We Expect in Return?

I was asked a question recently about what to do or say to a person who you have taken the time to listen to and help, and in return they dismiss you when you want to talk with them about your problem.

When we offer help to another we do so without expectations, at least that's what we should be doing it for. We want to help so we do and we receive the benefit of knowing that we helped someone through altruism, we have grown ourselves, and we have socialised a problem.

It is only natural for us to need help ourselves from time to time. Asking for help is usually a last resort for most of us, more so if it is something personal and/or emotional. The secret (if there is one) is to find the right person to ask for help.

If you are asking the same person for help that you helped and they reject your approach, then that person is not the right one to ask. We may think that this person is being selfish, possibly the case. Most often though it is because that person is still struggling with their own issues and can't take any additional problems to ponder. They are already overwhelmed.

If you feel that this is the right person to help you then you could ask them directly, "Is there a reason that you can’t help me, I came to you because I thought that you could." Or perhaps “I’d be interested in your thoughts about a problem I have”. Your brain will tell you to remind them that they owe you for helping them, resist that temptation. In their heart they will know that already and reminding them we make them feel worse still.

Altruism and humility are things that I am learning more about as I research the benefits of socialisation. Those who have faith already know this message, Matthew 23:12. Look around at great people in history – Martin Luther King Jr, Frederick Douglass, Thomas Edison, Mother Teresa, and Abraham Lincoln to name a few. All were humble people in their own way, they gave of themselves to help others and needed nothing in return. They did not expect recognition or reward.

In short, if you help someone who is struggling with an issue and they reject you when you need help, go to someone else. Going back to the same person and have them ignore of reject you will only add to your own problems.

It’s about learning from the past, being in the moment, and always moving forward. In my humble opinion of course.

The Benefit of Eye Contact, a Smile and a Knowing Nod - For men Only

Sometimes men have difficulty in sharing how we feel with other men, and this can be harmful to our well-being if we keep something held inside for too long. Here's a technique that I used to great success when conducting suicide interventions to connect with the person.

If you know (or have a feeling that) the man you are speaking with has something to share but is reluctant to; smile slightly, look at them directly in the eye, and nod your head twice in a knowing way then look away. You can do the same if the man has told you something personal that they were holding inside.

This indicates without words “I’ve got your back”, “It’s okay if you want to say it”, or “Thanks for telling me this”.  

The technique stems from one of our socialisation protocols, direct eye contact. Men do not use direct eye contact (looking directly into the eye) unless the person is special to them, or they want to fight. Mostly, men simply look at the eyebrows or base of the nose of the person they are talking with.  

When speaking with a man, notice where they are looking. You may think that we are looking at your eyes, often we aren’t. Mostly, our gaze is fixed on one spot or we move our eyes in and out of the conversation. If we look at your eyes, it is actually only one eye. Women look into the both eyes during a conversation, watch as they look from eye to eye.

Men also tend to look at the mouth of the other person so that we can see and hear what the other person is saying. We are reading their facial expressions looking for signs of emotion – happy, sad, or anger.

Ladies, you cannot use the aforementioned technique on a man. When you smile at a man, look them directly in the eyes and nod your head, we misread the message completely.