Body Language to De-escalate Angry People

It is often said that the words we use are the most important thing. This is not that case when we are involved in a conversation with an angry person. A basic guide is that over 50% of communication in emotional situations is visual, body language.

So how should you stand, what should you say and how can you show a person that you interested in what they have to say while they are yelling at you? Know that these quick tips will work in most situations;

1. Always stand tall with your head up, shoulders back, and hands by your side. This shows that you are ready to listen and also indicates that you are not going to be submissive.
2. While the person is yelling at you, say nothing. Do not use verbal minimal encourages (umms and ahhs), large slow nods indicate that you are listening.
3. Listen to what they are saying. When they have finished their 'vent', paraphrase back to them what they said related to the facts of what they are yelling about. (i.e., you are here to talk about .....).
4. Reduce your eye contact to half of what you would usually do, 30% instead of 60%.
5. The person will come at you again, repeat the process. Keep your hand movements to a minimum.
6. If you can, hold something in your hand such as a notebook or pen. This will help relax your facial muscles and give you the feeling of support. (Try it now, stand up with your hands by your side without anything in your hands and then pick something up. Note how you feel more relaxed yet confident).
7. If you can, invite the person to sit down. This will reduce their anger as they wont have a strong foundation on which to rage.
8. Go through their issue without taking any notes, this is called free recall. Ask them to go through it again and tell them that this time you will be taking notes. Going through it twice reduces the tension, clarifies the situation, and allows them to tell their story at least twice to reduce built up tension.
9. If you can, get them to make notes also. When we write words by forming letters we go to our logic brain rather than remain in our emotional brain. Use the word important throughout the conversation, because it is important to them.
10. Mirror their body language when they are calm. If their arms are folded tightly across their chest, sit with your hands in front of you in an open pose. They will soon drop their arms as they calm and then mirror their pose - if their left hand is forward, your right hand is forward - hence the term 'mirror'.

Make Your Brain Happy

There are many ways to help keep yourself physically and mentally well. The problem often is that we overdo it in one area hoping that it will help us in the other. In life, it is all about finding the right balance.

The Chinese talk of Yin and Yang, (sometimes said as Ying and Yang), two principles of which one is dark and negative while the other one is bright and positive. The two work together to complement each other. The mind and body is much the same, the brain focuses on the dark and negative while the body can be kept looking great through exercise which is bright and positive. The mind and body must work together to keep you well.

Because helping our brain requires concentration, we often turn to exercise as an easy option to help us. Exercise will indeed make you ‘feel’ better because endorphins are produced during physical exercise. Unfortunately, it won’t help your brain long-term.

If you have a mentally demanding day you must complete at least 30 minutes of exercise at the end of each workday. If you have a physically demanding day you must then exercise your mind once work is over to balance everything out. Sudoku has been found to give the greatest benefit to your brain, unfortunately for me I have a problem with mathematics so I undertake research for my work instead. I read, a lot.

What are some other things that you can do for your brain? Given that we have five deep emotions, four of which are negative, concentrating on joy (happiness) will provide the greatest benefit for your brain. (The others are anger, worry, fear, and grief). Guilt and jealousy are also emotions but they stem from anger, fear, and worry.

Here are five quick-fix things to do for your brain that are easy to do and take no effort whatsoever;

1.     Smile – when we smile there is a unique muscle in our face that sends a signal to our brain that we are happy.

2.     Think only happy thoughts – easy to say but harder to do. Try thinking about something good coming up in the future, a place you like to visit, a place you would like to go to, anything that makes you feel good inside.

3.     Help someone – I’ll bet you feel good when you have helped someone, we all do. This feeling is linked to altruism which is part of your emotional brain.

4.     Read fiction novels – for some reason this is most helpful for men, possibly because men often find it difficult to meditate. Reading fiction adventure novels lights up the same part of the brain as does meditation.

5.     Socialise – talk more, meet more, get out more. The benefits of talking are found to be as good as, or better than, physical exercise. It doesn’t matter what you talk about, just talk.

A Suggested Change to our Hierarchy of Needs.

I am going to go out on a limb here to see what the reaction is to my assertion that the hierarchy of needs described by Maslow is still relevant but with a few modifications.

Maslow suggests that at the bottom of the pyramid is our physiological needs - food, water, shelter, etc. This has not changed. What has changed in my humble opinion is that the lack of these things does not necessarily motivate people when they are unmet as Maslow suggested.

Additionally, money is now important if we are to meet our physiological needs. Why, because without money it is often hard to achieve our basic needs, particularly with housing. In my work within the customer service industry, the 'angriest' encounters are in those industries associated with money - banks, insurance, accountants, and the like.

The second of Maslow's hierarchy on the pyramid is safety. To a degree that level is also now in the bottom level, if we have the basics right we feel safer, more secure, and we are more stable.

It's the third layer on his pyramid that I am most interested in, our social needs. For me this is the missing link with a lot of issues that we have today, particularly around suicide. Through the introduction of technology, we have lost the art of socialisation, of community spirit, of assisting others, of building relationships and for expressing our feelings.

For thousands of years we talked with each other. We aired, shared, and cared with those around us. If we wanted to know something, we asked. If we wanted to talk with someone we had to do it face to face. If we needed help with anything we would invite people over to assist us.

Instead, what do we do today, we use a so called 'smart' phone to do all that we need in the way of communicating. Younger people have lost the art of socialisation, of talking to a person in front of them. The social skills of your turn my turn, politeness, facial expressions, and togetherness have all but disappeared.

Perhaps I am on the wrong track here. Perhaps there is another reason why the young people of today struggle with expressing their emotions and with communicating how they feel. These two things are important for wellbeing. Now they seem to have been lost, or at least given a lesser priority.

Perhaps I think like this because communication is my business. Or maybe I am just getting older and more cynical. One thing I do know, we need to talk more.

10 Things That Kept Me Going.

The start to this year has been less than ordinary for me – in just two months I picked up a painful virus, my father passed, our family dog of 15 years died, I had surgery on my foot which is still healing, had a root canal, and ended with a positive test result when screening for bowel cancer. Whew! Oh, and we have our house on the market and also a strict deadline on my book which I am writing. And there's still more but you get the picture.

Why am I airing my personal laundry for the world to read? Well, apart from our brains wanting to make it 'all about us', (and mine loves to do that) I utilised what I coach to keep me from going mad. Here they are;

1.      Focus on one thing – as each life’s hurdles came together, my brain wanted to lump them all together and say “You are under attack, life is bad, you aren’t going to make it.” I focussed on the immediate issue, one at a time, and dealt just with that one thing.

2.     Distract the brain – worrying about something that you have no control over has little positive value. I focussed on what I could control. More importantly, I focussed on my family – how can I support them with whatever they need. And I joked, a lot, using humour to reframe things.

3.     Positive thoughts – I kept telling myself “Everything happens for a reason, what are the benefits of this, how can I make the most of what is happening, keep moving forward.” This one was a bit harder of course because our brains are wired to think negatively.

4.     Work – I threw myself into my work by conducting further research, developing more programs, trying different delivery styles, and promoting my work. This also was a distraction.

5.     Slowed down – A little bit anyway. A normal weekend for me would be to mow the lawns, weed the gardens, wash the cars and assist with the housework. All before lunch. Now, I do the same but take a series of breaks to chat with my wife, play with the grandkids, listen to the birds (and the neighbours), soak up what is around me.

6.     Replaced things – I took antiviral medication, we got a new dog, I followed my doctor’s recommendation on healing after surgery, the tooth was repaired, and the screening result was found to be nothing of significance. We will sell our house before signing a contract on a new one so we don’t have the additional pressure that comes with a house sale and I got someone to help me with my book because I couldn’t unlock all of the stories I wanted to tell. You can never replace a father but you can focus on being a good one yourself.

7.     Exercise less – Not what you would usually hear from me. Previously, I was working out for an hour-and- a-half every day regardless of how much physical activity I undertook during the day. Now, if I have a busy day I don’t work out and I don’t stress about not having done a workout which I always would do.

8.     Talked more – Mostly with my wife, sometimes with my family, on occasion with my close friends. There’s something in the proverb – ‘A problem shared is a problem halved.’

9.     Worried less – I was determined not to worry, so I didn’t. Worry is such a wasted exercise. Worry only exaggerates the negative, causes more pain, and adds to your list of issues. I stopped myself immediately whenever I had negative thoughts and I spent time on social media (FB) posting positive affirmations.

10.  Family first – Tattooed on my ribs (one of the most painful places to get a tattoo by the way) are the words ‘Familia Omnia’. Family is all. And they are everything to me. That is the most important thing that keeps me focussed, keeps me grounded, keeps me honest with myself. And not just immediate family, ‘familia’ includes close friends.

When I look back at my list from 1 to 10 as I finish this post, here in a word is what I have just done – mindfulness. How crazy is that?

Life comes at us hard sometimes and it can be uncomfortable. Don't let life's issues get in the way of living.

Long Term Personal Planning - Is It Worth It?

I have read many books on the benefits of long term planning for your future. And I do agree with some of what is written. However, most of what I have read has no academic researched support. A bold statement to make, perhaps not.  

I am the world's greatest fan of making lists, setting goals and having plans. Lists help to keep us focused, help us to remember things we would otherwise forget, and help us to relax at the end of the day knowing that we have our list ready for tomorrow.

Similarly, goal setting is something that research supports. We are more likely to achieve our goals if we write them down. Doing this lodges the goals into our subconscious and gives us momentum.

Plans are different I believe, particularly long term plans. In my humble opinion, the longer the plan the greater the chance of failure. Why, because things change. I am yet to meet anyone who has stuck to a long term personal plan beyond five years.

Here is what I prefer to do;

1.      Instead of having a detailed long term plan, have a long term goal. Where do you want to be in 5 or 10 years?

2.     Break that goal down into chunks – how am I going to achieve my goal by planning the smaller steps.

3.     Make a list each quarter of how you are going to take each smaller step.

Although in theory you have still set a long term plan, you have included the flexibility to change your long term plan as things around you change. Additionally, you won’t be disappointed if you fail to adhere to your original plan.

By all means write lists, set goals, and have a long term plan. Just don’t be surprised if you don’t meet the long term plan as you planned it.