The Value of a Hug

Why is it that we feel so good when someone has given us a hug and will hugging someone help our wellbeing?

 Science tells us that the positive effects of a hug are similar to that of smiling including the release of dopamine and serotonin, it enhances our immune system and balances our nervous system, as well as reducing our heart rate. Oxytocin is also produced which is our social bonding chemical and gives us that ‘wow’ feeling.

Psychology indicates that hugging reduces the worry around mortality, provides us with feelings of safety and security, improves honest communications, lifts self-esteem, teaches us how to give and to receive, and encourages empathy and understanding.

Research reveals that a hug may improve our immune system, a well-hugged baby will have less stress levels as an adult, it decreases feelings of loneliness, and provides similar effects to that of meditation.

A note of caution, both science and research indicates that there are far greater benefits from hugging someone you love than from hugging a stranger. By all means hug a stranger, just know that the benefits may only be in a one-way direction.

Does A Forced Smile Actually Work?

I thought that I might spend the week talking about those little things we can do that supposedly benefit ourselves and others for many reasons - a smile, a hug, a kind word, giving to another, and of having faith.

A Smile

What really happens when we smile and does it have benefit for ourselves and others? There are two types of smiles - the genuine, or Duchenne, smile (Google it!) and the forced smile.

Science tells us that the immediate benefits of smiling include the release of 'feel good' chemicals in our brain such as neuropeptides to reduce stress, endorphins which relieve pain, serotonin to help you feel and sleep better, and dopamine which makes you feel REALLY good. Early indications are that smiling may also change the temperature of blood to the brain, although work is still needed on this hypothesis.

Psychology tells us that your facial expression can alter your mood. Smiling can bring back happy memories, can reduce pain, increase memory, make you view things in a positive way, and reduces stress levels through a decreased heart rate.

Research shows us that smiling makes you look better, appear more friendly and approachable, makes those around you feel better and is infectious to others. It is also shown to be a great way to de-escalate tense situations if used appropriately.

There are far more benefits from a genuine smile than there are from a forced smile however the mantra of 'fake it until you make it' is one which has strong ties to a forced smile. If you force a smile long enough, you WILL feel better.

There it is, you cannot argue with science, psychology and research. If you do want to argue with it, smile and see if you still want to after an hour or so.

What Should We Expect in Return?

I was asked a question recently about what to do or say to a person who you have taken the time to listen to and help, and in return they dismiss you when you want to talk with them about your problem.

When we offer help to another we do so without expectations, at least that's what we should be doing it for. We want to help so we do and we receive the benefit of knowing that we helped someone through altruism, we have grown ourselves, and we have socialised a problem.

It is only natural for us to need help ourselves from time to time. Asking for help is usually a last resort for most of us, more so if it is something personal and/or emotional. The secret (if there is one) is to find the right person to ask for help.

If you are asking the same person for help that you helped and they reject your approach, then that person is not the right one to ask. We may think that this person is being selfish, possibly the case. Most often though it is because that person is still struggling with their own issues and can't take any additional problems to ponder. They are already overwhelmed.

If you feel that this is the right person to help you then you could ask them directly, "Is there a reason that you can’t help me, I came to you because I thought that you could." Or perhaps “I’d be interested in your thoughts about a problem I have”. Your brain will tell you to remind them that they owe you for helping them, resist that temptation. In their heart they will know that already and reminding them we make them feel worse still.

Altruism and humility are things that I am learning more about as I research the benefits of socialisation. Those who have faith already know this message, Matthew 23:12. Look around at great people in history – Martin Luther King Jr, Frederick Douglass, Thomas Edison, Mother Teresa, and Abraham Lincoln to name a few. All were humble people in their own way, they gave of themselves to help others and needed nothing in return. They did not expect recognition or reward.

In short, if you help someone who is struggling with an issue and they reject you when you need help, go to someone else. Going back to the same person and have them ignore of reject you will only add to your own problems.

It’s about learning from the past, being in the moment, and always moving forward. In my humble opinion of course.

The Benefit of Eye Contact, a Smile and a Knowing Nod - For men Only

Sometimes men have difficulty in sharing how we feel with other men, and this can be harmful to our well-being if we keep something held inside for too long. Here's a technique that I used to great success when conducting suicide interventions to connect with the person.

If you know (or have a feeling that) the man you are speaking with has something to share but is reluctant to; smile slightly, look at them directly in the eye, and nod your head twice in a knowing way then look away. You can do the same if the man has told you something personal that they were holding inside.

This indicates without words “I’ve got your back”, “It’s okay if you want to say it”, or “Thanks for telling me this”.  

The technique stems from one of our socialisation protocols, direct eye contact. Men do not use direct eye contact (looking directly into the eye) unless the person is special to them, or they want to fight. Mostly, men simply look at the eyebrows or base of the nose of the person they are talking with.  

When speaking with a man, notice where they are looking. You may think that we are looking at your eyes, often we aren’t. Mostly, our gaze is fixed on one spot or we move our eyes in and out of the conversation. If we look at your eyes, it is actually only one eye. Women look into the both eyes during a conversation, watch as they look from eye to eye.

Men also tend to look at the mouth of the other person so that we can see and hear what the other person is saying. We are reading their facial expressions looking for signs of emotion – happy, sad, or anger.

Ladies, you cannot use the aforementioned technique on a man. When you smile at a man, look them directly in the eyes and nod your head, we misread the message completely.

Body Language to De-escalate Angry People

It is often said that the words we use are the most important thing. This is not that case when we are involved in a conversation with an angry person. A basic guide is that over 50% of communication in emotional situations is visual, body language.

So how should you stand, what should you say and how can you show a person that you interested in what they have to say while they are yelling at you? Know that these quick tips will work in most situations;

1. Always stand tall with your head up, shoulders back, and hands by your side. This shows that you are ready to listen and also indicates that you are not going to be submissive.
2. While the person is yelling at you, say nothing. Do not use verbal minimal encourages (umms and ahhs), large slow nods indicate that you are listening.
3. Listen to what they are saying. When they have finished their 'vent', paraphrase back to them what they said related to the facts of what they are yelling about. (i.e., you are here to talk about .....).
4. Reduce your eye contact to half of what you would usually do, 30% instead of 60%.
5. The person will come at you again, repeat the process. Keep your hand movements to a minimum.
6. If you can, hold something in your hand such as a notebook or pen. This will help relax your facial muscles and give you the feeling of support. (Try it now, stand up with your hands by your side without anything in your hands and then pick something up. Note how you feel more relaxed yet confident).
7. If you can, invite the person to sit down. This will reduce their anger as they wont have a strong foundation on which to rage.
8. Go through their issue without taking any notes, this is called free recall. Ask them to go through it again and tell them that this time you will be taking notes. Going through it twice reduces the tension, clarifies the situation, and allows them to tell their story at least twice to reduce built up tension.
9. If you can, get them to make notes also. When we write words by forming letters we go to our logic brain rather than remain in our emotional brain. Use the word important throughout the conversation, because it is important to them.
10. Mirror their body language when they are calm. If their arms are folded tightly across their chest, sit with your hands in front of you in an open pose. They will soon drop their arms as they calm and then mirror their pose - if their left hand is forward, your right hand is forward - hence the term 'mirror'.