Three Important Things For You To Do

Having researched practical ways in which to keep ourselves healthy and happy, here are the three things that will help most of us stay in sound body and mind. They are in order of importance;

Socialisation - Maslow knew it, albeit it was third on his hierarchy of needs, socialisation is imperative for your mental wellbeing. Following the ice age, we had to work together to survive. As our brains grew larger and larger, our emotional bond with each other became stronger and stronger.

Socialisation is not just about talking (although that is by far the strongest component of socialisation) it is also about being part of a community, sharing, altruism, caring, and many other factors.

I went to a seminar last year where a scientist set to put an end to the socialisation debate on whether talking would reduce our stress levels. He studied the cortisol levels (cortisol is released into the blood when we become stressed) in two groups; both groups had to record how much conversation they had with other people across each day.  

The control group were told to hold their usual amount of conversation; the other group were told to at least double their amount of conversation time. The conversation times were compared and the cortisol level in this latter group who spoke the most were at least half that of those who did not talk as much.

Bottom line, talk more, share more, help others and get out into the community. Shutting yourself away and not talking, or worse still conversing on social media, is the worst thing that you can do for your wellbeing.

Exercise – The evidence is irrefutable; the benefits of exercise are enormous. In fact, there is very little negative side-effect of exercise if done properly within the recommended guidelines.

How much exercise should you get? 30-minutes of medium to fast paced walking. This exercise must be completed at the end of the working day. Why – to burn off the accumulation of adrenaline and cortisol in your body from the day’s activities.

Physiologically men train better in the morning, women in the afternoon. Men can still train in the morning but all of us must get our heart rates above the rate it was during the day to have any benefit. If you don’t burn off adrenaline, you will have trouble sleeping.

Sleep – If you have completed the first two things, socialisation and exercise, you will sleep much better. How much sleep do you need, it varies for all of us. To work out how much you need, on the days that you don’t have to wake to an alarm, note the amount of sleep that you got each night over 10 to 12 days. Average it out and that is how much sleep you need.

Your bedroom must be cold – between 15 and 18°, and dark – use both curtains and blinds. You must eat your evening meal at least three hours before bedtime so that your immediate digestion is completed. Remember though to eat a small piece of protein right on bedtime to stop you waking at 3am. Avoid coffee after 3pm.

Regularity is one of the most important factors in sleep. Go to bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same time each day, including the weekends if you are struggling to find regular patterns.

Never be afraid to have a nap during the day and on the weekends if you need to. In my opinion it is better to get sleep whenever you can if you aren’t getting enough at night. Without adequate sleep you won’t function at your best.

These three things – socialisation, exercise and sleep - will help to keep you well. 

True Friends Can Be Found

There have been many posts/blogs on friends and friendships, I am going to add to that long list. I am very lucky to have a great group of close friends who have been together for over 40 years.

The six of us met when working for the same employer, I was just 16. Work acquaintances became work friends became friends outside of work and we have been there for each other ever since, 43 years this January. (Now you know how old I am).

Were possible we went to each other’s engagement and wedding celebrations, sometimes our children's birthday parties. More lately, we go to family funerals to show our on-going support for each other. 

When a couple of the group travelled to live in Australia, others followed. When some returned to live in New Zealand the others followed. Now that one is living in the United States we regularly remain in touch and continue our long distance friendship, meeting up whenever possible.

Why does this friendship work, what makes it so strong, and how is it that each of us is still married to our same wife that we met when we all met as friends?

·        We are all different. Different upbringing, different interests, different backgrounds, and different ideas. That keeps things interesting every time we meet.

·        If we need a hand with anything, we know that we can reach out to any one of our friends or all of them, for help on whatever we need. 

·        We listen, then we ask, then we support, and finally we suggest. And we do so in that order.

·        We meet regularly but not too often. We live quite separate lives and come together every so often to share a meal, tell our stories and often reminisce about the good times and the bad times.

·        We share our stories and we share our ideas. Sometimes we might even share our emotions. Mostly, we laugh. Not at each other but with each other. And we never gossip.

·        If we want to share, if we want to say something that is important to us, if we just want to be ourselves, we can and do so without fear of being judged or ridiculed.

·        Most of all, we are honest with each other and with ourselves. When you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear and you can simply be yourself.

I am truly a lucky man.

Should We Talk About Suicide?

More and more of my work these days is not just about coaching on enhanced communication skills and developing personal resilience techniques - de-escalation, engagement and prevention of the effects of stress - it now involves coaching techniques on engaging with those people who are considering suicide. 

A question often asked, "Should we talk about suicide or ignore it?" We tried the latter technique and it didn't work. So the answer must be to talk about it. I am a huge advocate of talking about suicide. Not about how or why after the event, how and why before people become unwell. 

Education is the key to prevention, it always is. If we know that something is likely to happen if we follow a certain path or that something untoward happens in our life, then we can learn the likely consequences and how to avoid it.

In my humble view, we need to educate people on the causes of suicide before they head down that lonely path to self-destruction. Why, because when the person becomes unwell they no longer function as do you and I. Their thoughts are only of dark places, of negative emotions, of an inability so see a way out of the blackness that envelopes them.

Logic is long gone, their head is full not just of the catalyst to their event but also of every other little bad thing that ever happened to them over their entire lifetime. It is imperative that people know what may happen to them if they do become unwell before it happens so that they can be reminded of what they learned about their current ill-health. 

Education is the key. And education means not only talking about the causes of suicidal thoughts, it also means providing strategies on how to stay healthy. In today’s environment where talking with each other has diminished we need to learn as much about keeping ourselves well as we do about the basics skills of life. Reading, writing, arithmetic and life-skills, these are now our four important educational requirements. 

Footnote: I have purposefully used the terms unwell and ill-health in this post. Why, because in most cases that is all feelings and thoughts of suicide are, the person is simply unwell and can get better if they get the right help at the right time.  

Communicating Across The Sexes

I am going to start with a broad statement, all of our communication is influenced by our emotions. For most of our daily interactions, that's true, very much so when we are communicating in emotional situations.

But there are differences in our communication behaviours, the major differences are between the sexes. In case you haven’t noticed, men and women communicate quite differently.

Here are some quick facts on how our brains work differently across the sexes when influenced by emotions and how this is reflected in our communications;

·        The limbic system, where our emotional brain (the amygdala) is housed, influences our emotions and is the driver of our fight or flight reaction. Men have a much larger amygdala than women despite the fact that women have been shown to have greater emotional awareness. 

·        When in an emotional situation, men primarily use their right brain which is the defence side whereas women primarily use their left brain, the logic side.

·        The same happens in the amygdala, women use more of the left side of the amygdala whereas men use more of the right side. This means that women will remember more of the emotional details whereas men will get the gist of what happened.  

·        Women use both brain hemispheres when communicating, men use only one. Similarly, women have thicker 'wires' joining the two hemispheres than do men's brains. Hence women are generally much better at communicating in depth of understanding than men.

·        Girls are verbally more sophisticated than boys when growing up. They use more social interactive skills when communicating such as leaning towards each other, holding eye contact for long periods, and using touch to reinforce their communication. Men consolidate their social skills with physical activity.

·        Men are more matter of fact in what they say, more direct. A woman will ask "Would you like to stop and have a coffee" while out driving. A man will answer "No." What she meant was "I want to stop and have a coffee." 

How does all of this help us? If we want to communicate a little better between the sexes, we need to understand these differences to avoid often unintentional conflict.

Men should try to listen more, talk more about their feelings, ask questions of women when they are unsure of what she said, and stop going straight to problem-solving.

Women should try to be more direct in what they say, know that lack of emotion or eye contact does not mean that the man doesn’t care or is lying, and know that when men problem-solve they are just trying to help.

Or, we could just carry on as we are and enjoy our differences. I prefer this option because life is all about balance. 

Are They Okay?

The second most asked question during my presentations is, "How do you know if someone is suicidal?" Often, the person asking has a friend or loved one who is acting unusual and they are concerned for their safety. 

Two important points to make -  No two of us are exactly the same therefore we behave differently when unwell and if you think someone is unwell it is imperative that you get them urgent specialist help from a qualified psychologist. I cannot stress upon you enough the importance of this second point. Don’t try to ‘fix’ them yourself because you can’t.

There are some generalisations that we can make. In my former role I would speak with people at the extreme end of the suicidal spectrum. Most would have struggled with their emotions for some time and were now seeking to end their unseen pain. 

Their behaviour was always the same - quiet, head down, no eye contact, reluctance to engage in conversation, hunched over. They are quiet because they don’t want to talk, often they can’t talk. Engaging in conversation, looking at someone, and going over what they are going through is the last thing that they want to do. But it is the most important thing for them to do.

Initially, most of us when we are under emotional turmoil will become fidgety, will have restless legs, can’t sit still for more than a minute, and will not be able to focus on a single topic. Our ‘normal’ thoughts will be buried by whatever the catalyst was for our decline.

As the person becomes more unwell, you will notice changes in their;

·       Mood – they become moody, sullen and may snap back at you.

·       Diet – they won’t want to eat and will lose weight.

·       Sleep patterns – these are disrupted (they lie awake at night) and their energy levels decline as a result.

·       Alcohol and drugs – they will try to numb the pain with alcohol and/or drugs.

·       Expressing feelings – They may express feeling of hopelessness and helplessness and not talk about the future. They may even talk about suicide and/or death.

·       Withdrawn – Perhaps the biggest sign of being really unwell is that they will become withdrawn, won’t engage, will sit in their room, isolate themselves.

Essentially, they do everything that they shouldn’t do that would make themselves better as their brain looks for alternative options. The brain isn’t thinking straight, logic has gone, rational behaviour has gone, the fight or flight responses are in full alert.

So what should you do with someone who you suspect is suicidal. Talk. Talk with them and encourage them to get help. If this doesn’t work, you may need to bring someone in to help you or perhaps talk with an expert yourself for guidance.

I could tell you what I would do in my former role but that wouldn’t be of any help to you. Crisis negotiators ‘shake them and take them’. We shake them out of their immediate state and take them to an expert. Sure, what we say to the person would probably work for you, but then what?

Talk to the person who is unwell, ask them if they are okay, tell them you fear for their safety and importantly that you love them dearly. Encourage them to get help, get help for them if they won’t do it for themselves and most of all, just be there for them.

Being there to support the person is the best thing that any of us can do. Let them know that they are not alone, because they will feel as though they are. Alone.