What Would You Change If You Could?

In a similar vein to my recent posts, I have recently met with many people who are undecided in their life. Not undecided about whether they need change but what they should or would like to change.

Our brain is a complex beast that we are still discovering more and more about. What we do know is that most of us do actually embrace change. We convince our mind that change brings uncertainty therefore we don't need to change if our life is going okay. However, we also like (need) change because it brings 'freshness' into our lives.

I try to work on the well-known phrase "If you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you have always gotten!" (Not great grammar).

Now is a good time to start planning for 2016. So how do you make plans for change in your personal life? What works for me is to make a list. I love lists. When we make a list many things happen;

·        Lists engage our logic brain as we delve into our emotional creative brain.

·        Lists lodge things into our subconscious.

·        Lists give us targets to aim for.

·        Lists keep things in perspective.

·        Importantly, lists clarify change.

Two other factors that we know about our brain and change is that or brain doesn't like too much of it all at once and that we need time to embed change.

So, when you are thinking about change, here are some practical steps to consider around change;

·        Decide on what are the most important things to you in your life and list them.

·        Examine that list and decide on three things that you want to change. (Our brain tends to work in threes - 3 cheers, 3 stages in most things, companies tend to have 3 letters/words in their title, a book has a beginning middle and an end, etc.)

·        Examine each of the three things that you want to change, write each out and then list three steps towards each goal. 

·        Then list in order which change will take the quickest and commence work on that single change. 

·        Once you are comfortable working on that change begin working on the second change.

·        Remember that it takes 60 to 80 days to change a habit, not 21 days as some would espouse.

The beginning of a new year is a great time to make changes in your life as there is a determined start line already in place for you.

Which Pain Is Worse?

I have been fortunate enough to have been involved in suicide intervention and have listened to many sad people who have suffered the three types of pain. I have also been fortunate enough myself to have suffered from the three types of pain - physical, emotional, and psychological.

Here's what I learned from each type of pain from my previous work and from personal experience;

Physical Pain

·        Pain such as tooth ache, a broken bone, nerve damage, and other similar events can often be debilitating at the time of the pain.

·        For the most part, physical pain is temporary and can be relieved through medication.

·        Most times we can get though the pain provided we know there is an end to it.

·        Others will often empathise with us when we are in pain because they know what it is like to feel pain.

·        While physical pain can impact on us psychologically if it continues unabated, for the most part physical pain remains just that - physical.

Emotional Pain

·        For the most part, emotional pain stems from a single event. The loss of a job, the death of a loved one, a broken relationship, perhaps ongoing physical pain, all of these will cause emotional pain.

·        Emotional pain is felt in the heart and stomach - the heart aches and the stomach feels empty.

·        Unlike physical pain, there is no quick fix of "Take two of these pills and call me in the morning" medical assistance that does not have unwanted side effects.

·        Emotional pain is more difficult for others to empathise with unless their own emotional pain is recent. 

·        As with physical pain, emotional pain can impact on us psychologically if it continues unabated. For the most part however, emotional pain will heal given time.

·        It is important to heal the emotional pain as soon as possible to reduce the risk of the third type of pain, psychological pain.

Psychological Pain

·        Psychological pain is caused through many things - a traumatic event, an illness, a chemical imbalance, or substance abuse to name a few. 

·        Psychological pain is completely debilitating. It impacts on every part of our mind, body and soul. We feel physical and emotional pain as well as psychological pain.

·        Living with psychological pain is literally second by second. Every part of your mind (brain) is completely focused on the pain.

·        Psychological pain is difficult to explain to those who have not suffered from it, it is unlike any other illness and varies for each of us.

·        Psychological pain is a solitary illness, we feel alone and often are alone because others find it difficult to empathise with us.

·        As no two of us are the same, the 'cure' is often difficult to find and changes in our situation mean a new ‘cure’ must be found.

·        If left unabated, psychological pain can kill us. 

So why this post at what is an enjoyable time of the year?

If you know someone who is suffering from psychological pain, reach out to them. Don't be afraid, they won't hurt you, quite the opposite is mostly the case. Talk to them about their pain. Don't judge, don't problem solve, just listen and acknowledge.

Be kind to those who are in psychological pain, it might well be you one day in the same situation.

Is It Really Time For A Change?

I often read posts promoting messages such as "If you don't like your job, change it", or "Life is too short, get a job that you enjoy", or "Go and get your dream job", or "Time to take the leap of faith, just go for it!"

This is a great message and one that I followed. However, there are those who are unable to change their job for many reasons. They may not have the necessary skills, talent, financial independence, security, or drive to take that suggested leap. What should these people do? 

My advice for those who can't change their job is to change the way they do it. It makes no difference what type of job you have, there is always other ways of doing it or things to do at work to make it different.

Come up with some new/better ways of doing what you do and see if you can get things changed. If it is impossible to makes these changes, then here are some other aspects to consider;

·        Change the time that you do your job - get out of regular patterns of behaviour.

·        Challenge yourself to become more productive - try and produce more each day/week/month.

·        Do something different during your breaks - sit with different people, go for a walk, sit in the sun, read books, play cards, search the internet, etc.

·        Introduce new things to do after work - go for a walk, go to the gym, cook dinner, join a club.

·        Find ways to have fun during work - celebrate birthdays and special events, create something to give to charity, hold inter-office challenges, hold a sausage sizzle.

So often we get into a routine and that is what makes our job boring and uninspiring, monotony. Monotony creates boredom which causes job-fatigue.

Our brain likes to be challenged, it likes to learn new things and importantly it likes curiosity. Curiosity creates excitement and excitement produces motivation.

So, if you can't change your job, change something about the way that you do it.

Spare A Thought For Your Helper

It's that time of the year that most of us enjoy, the holiday season. Time when we prepare to get together with family and friends to celebrate and to relax. A time when we are so busy that we sometimes forget about others. 

Things don't always go the way that they should in the lead-up to holiday times and oftentimes we are in a rush to get things done so that we can relax. In this busy time when things don't go the way that we hoped that they would, we get anxious and may say things that we wouldn't ordinarily say.

The bearer of our immediate response is often the person who can help us the most, the customer service assistant (CSA). 

Those who work in the customer service industry - banks, call centres, shops, restaurants, etc. - do so because they enjoy what they do. They are drawn to their vocation because they want to help others. 

It is in these busy times that they work harder than ever with no additional reward. Their reward is simply to help as many people as possible.

Along we come and when things don't go the way that we want them to we take our frustrations out on them. We yell, we berate, and we want what went wrong to be fixed immediately. We say things in the heat of the moment that we later regret. 

Know that the person in front of you or who is on the phone is trying their very best to help you with your issue. They don't want things to go wrong for you, they don't want you to be in distress, they didn't set out to make your life hard. 

When things go wrong in these busy times, spare a thought for those who work in the customer service industry.

If things don't go as you had planned them to, don't take it out on the CSA. Smile, take a deep breath, listen to the advice that is given to you and accept it.

I am no longer surprised at what occurs when I do this - a solution is found, I get more than I ever wanted, and I certainly don't have that horrible feeling of regret after ranting at someone who was just trying to help.

Peeling Back The Layers In Communication

Sometimes when we speak with an emotional person (the angry or the sad) we have difficulty truly engaging with them. Often it stems from the fact that we haven't got to the to the real issue that is troubling the person. 

There are many ways of identifying the underlying issue, this is what worked for me as a crisis negotiator which can be used in everyday situations.

In emotional conversations we often hide what we really want to say, for a variety of reasons. A good way of digging into the person’s statements is to follow their lead be feeding off what they have just said.

An example – “I hate having to stand in a queue waiting for long periods just to be served”. Are they saying that they hate standing, hate queuing, or just want to be served without delay? Find out which it is by focussing on each part of their sentence starting with standing.

Say, “You hate standing?”, or “Standing is hard isn’t it?”, or “What don’t you like about standing?” Feed off what they say again until you have explored the ‘standing’ aspect then move to the word ‘queues’. Empathise by saying “Queues are annoying aren’t they?”

Another way of delving into the issue is termed ‘mirroring’ or sometimes termed ‘reflecting’. Use one or two of their words and phrase it as a question by putting inflection in the last word and leave a pause to await their reply – “Hate standing?” Another way of saying this is not quite as effective, you could say – “You mentioned that you hate standing, what is it about standing that you hate?”

A third way of getting to the bottom of the conversation is to label the emotion that sits in behind the statement. This is a very effective technique if used properly. Say something like – “Standing in a queue is frustrating isn’t it?”

You don’t have to get the emotion correct, if you get it wrong they will soon correct you. They might say – “It’s not frustrating, it’s damned annoying.” Bingo, they have acknowledged the underlying emotion and will most times open up to you about the actual issue.

Remember to use an effective pause as much as possible. We hate silence therefore will want to fill it with words. Let them fill the silence, we have two ears and one mouth so do twice as much listening as talking.

Just like peeling back an onion layer by layer to reach the centre, using one or a combination of the above will assist you getting to the real issue.