Peeling Back The Layers In Communication

Sometimes when we speak with an emotional person (the angry or the sad) we have difficulty truly engaging with them. Often it stems from the fact that we haven't got to the to the real issue that is troubling the person. 

There are many ways of identifying the underlying issue, this is what worked for me as a crisis negotiator which can be used in everyday situations.

In emotional conversations we often hide what we really want to say, for a variety of reasons. A good way of digging into the person’s statements is to follow their lead be feeding off what they have just said.

An example – “I hate having to stand in a queue waiting for long periods just to be served”. Are they saying that they hate standing, hate queuing, or just want to be served without delay? Find out which it is by focussing on each part of their sentence starting with standing.

Say, “You hate standing?”, or “Standing is hard isn’t it?”, or “What don’t you like about standing?” Feed off what they say again until you have explored the ‘standing’ aspect then move to the word ‘queues’. Empathise by saying “Queues are annoying aren’t they?”

Another way of delving into the issue is termed ‘mirroring’ or sometimes termed ‘reflecting’. Use one or two of their words and phrase it as a question by putting inflection in the last word and leave a pause to await their reply – “Hate standing?” Another way of saying this is not quite as effective, you could say – “You mentioned that you hate standing, what is it about standing that you hate?”

A third way of getting to the bottom of the conversation is to label the emotion that sits in behind the statement. This is a very effective technique if used properly. Say something like – “Standing in a queue is frustrating isn’t it?”

You don’t have to get the emotion correct, if you get it wrong they will soon correct you. They might say – “It’s not frustrating, it’s damned annoying.” Bingo, they have acknowledged the underlying emotion and will most times open up to you about the actual issue.

Remember to use an effective pause as much as possible. We hate silence therefore will want to fill it with words. Let them fill the silence, we have two ears and one mouth so do twice as much listening as talking.

Just like peeling back an onion layer by layer to reach the centre, using one or a combination of the above will assist you getting to the real issue.

Engaged Communications For Different Generations - Part Two of Two

As technology advances, verbal communications between us diminishes. We aren't talking as much as we used to, we aren't expressing ourselves as much as we used to and we are becoming isolated from each other despite that fact that we are connected to more people than ever before - albeit electronically.

Among the many reasons why this is occurring, apart from the aforementioned increased use of technology, is that we sometimes don't understand the various communication styles of the five generations. 

Each generation thinks slightly differently, behaves differently, has different values, and importantly communicates differently. And we sometimes don't take the time to find out how to communicate to a different generation.

Here is a (very) short explanation as to why we communicate differently. Why am I explaining this to you, because we should always establish why to get a better understanding of a situation which allows us to connect and problem solve much easier.

Gen-X – Born 1964 to 1980

These are the powerhouse of businesses in todays’ world. They are hard workers, like to be given lots to do, and want to be left alone to get on with it. Wind them up, give them the tools, and watch them go.

This group have got it right with their work/life balance. They are attuned to what is required both at home and at work. Gen-X’s will talk about their personal life as opposed to BB’s who won’t do so. They read emotions better than most (so don’t go lying to them) and this is the beginning of a generation that has true environmental awareness.

They want a boss that they respect because of their work rather than their position. They also prefer cooperative leadership style and will listen to what others have to say.

Do they get angry, yes. And they will be honest and direct about it. Preferring emails rather than face-to-face discussions, you can engage with this generation by giving them lots of feedback on their work.

This is the first generation where you have to start reducing the length of your sentences when speaking with them. Traditionalists and Baby Boomers are well versed in long conversations so maintain 25 to 40 words per sentence, with the advent of text messaging there was no longer the desire for drawn out interactions so keep your sentences to under 30 words.

Millennials (Gen-Y’s) – Born 1980 to 1995.

I do not like the term Gen-Y, this group got a bad rap when entering the workforce because they constantly asked “Why”. Just like BB’s, their thirst for knowledge is unquenchable only now they have access to unlimited information.

A new term was coined for this generation, ‘helicopter parenting’. Their parents provided this generation with all that they ever wanted and more. Only the best would do for our children therefore we not only gave them everything but the very best that we could afford. Hence this generation became heavy consumerists.

We drove them to school, not because it was dangerous to walk to school but because we didn’t want our children to have to walk like we had to. If something happened at school that we didn’t like, we were at the school in front of the principal telling the school that they were wrong.

It is not uncommon in the workplace for this same behaviour to occur. When the employee is allowed to have a support person with them in a meeting it will often be one of the parents who fronts up. Most often the employee will phone one of their parents for advice if they are stuck.

Their increased use of technology resulted in two outcomes that BB’s find disturbing – reduced attention span and shorter conversations.

It is not actually a reduced attention span; it is a busy brain. Gen-Y’s find it challenging to focus on just one thing, there’s lots of ‘stuff’ going on inside of their head. You have to keep them focussed by providing varied activities and plenty of interaction.

Because this generation do most of their communicating via mobile phone, they find it difficult to hold a lengthy conversation with anyone other than with their friends. Keep your sentences to no more than 20 words per sentence.

The Pluralist – Born 1995 to 2015.

Hang on to your hats, there is a new wave of fast-paced generation hitting the workplace. With an attention span shorter than a pet dog, this group are so fast in their thinking that us BB’s have immense difficulty in communicating with them unless we maintain their interest.

Pluralists do not like conflict so don’t expect an argument from them. Most don’t even show emotion in their face therefore are hard to read which gives the perception that they don’t care. On the contrary, they do care. They care about the world and the environment, everything else is a distraction.

Everything is instant – Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter; fast and to the point. There is so much going on in their heads that when we talk to them it will seem that they aren’t listening to us. Often they aren’t, there’s just too many other things to focus on.

If you send this generation an email, it is likely that they won’t read beyond the subject line unless it is an interesting subject. They want change, embrace change, need change. If nothing changes, they get bored.

Expect this generation to stay no longer than three years in one place, they will either move to another part of the organisation or find a new job. They like big brands, big companies, everything big. Except your sentences.

When engaging in communication with this generation, keep your sentences to no more than 8 to 10 words. After that their brain will be looking for other stimulation. 

Engaged Communications For Different Generations - Part One of Two

As technology advances, verbal communications between us diminishes. We aren't talking as much as we used to, we aren't expressing ourselves as much as we used to and we are becoming isolated from each other despite that fact that we are connected to more people than ever before - albeit electronically.

Among the many reasons why this is occurring, apart from the aforementioned increased use of technology, is that we sometimes don't understand the various communication styles of the five generations. 

Each generation thinks slightly differently, behaves differently, has different values, and importantly communicates differently. And we sometimes don't take the time to find out how to communicate to a different generation.

Here is a (very) short explanation as to why we communicate differently. Why am I explaining this to you, because we should always establish why to get a better understanding of a situation which allows us to connect and problem solve much easier.

Traditionalists – Born prior to 1946

Most of their communication was written and verbal, either face-to-face, telephone or letters/memos. This group will listen to every word that you say and if you say the wrong thing to them, they will become quiet.

Their communication style is very formal, most prefer that you use their surname rather than their first name, they get dressed up when going into the public, manners are very important to them.

Also known as the forgotten generation, they are silent on their life experiences. Why, because they lived a hard life, struggling during and following the war.

They want you to indirectly acknowledge their struggle. If you think that you have said the wrong thing to a Traditionalist because they have fallen silent, say to them “You must have had some wonderful experiences in your lifetime.” Most times they will simply smile at you and re-engage in communication.

Respect them and they will respect you.

Baby-Boomers – Born 1956 to 1965

May I start by apologising for my generation. We want to know everything, and when you think that you have told us everything we will still ask for more detail. Why, because we strive for knowledge and understanding.

Our thirst for knowledge is unquenchable. And we had to read books to gain this knowledge. Most of us learned the hard way, by rote learning, going over and over the same thing to ensure that it was lodged in our memory.

We wanted to get ahead in life so that we could give our children what we didn’t have ourselves. We didn’t go without, we just wanted more. We worked hard and want to tell you that we did. We like to express how we are feeling about a situation; we are true communicators.

Not only will we listen to what you say, we will watch your body-language to ensure that your actions matched your words.

If you say the wrong thing to us, we will immediately tell you so. And we may even tell you a little more than you would like to hear. Honesty in communication is what we live by. This can make us seem rude, bullish, and arrogant, we generally aren’t.

However, there is a small group within the BB’s that I like to refer to as the matriarchs and the patriarchs. This is not a term of endearment.

The matriarchs are the women in the workplace who you will never change, they are set in their ways. We spend far too much time trying to change this group from their inappropriate behaviour rather than using them to our advantage, on change committees.

This group will keep the younger ones grounded, they will stop groupthink and have wonderful institutional knowledge. To engage with the matriarchs, tell them that you value their input and continually ask them “What do you think?”.

Then we have the patriarchs, the men who will tell us that our rules, policies, processes and practices are ridiculous. They will also tell us how to do our job. You will not be able to move this small group on unless you ask us for our ideas.

To engage with us, ask us “How would you do this?” We will tell you the way it should be done. Don’t agree with us or tell us that our idea is a good one otherwise we will show you how to introduce the new direction, just say “That is another way.” If you say anything else, we will continue to tell you our ideas.

You will not move this group forward unless you ask them for their thoughts because for them, their ideas are like an emotion. Acknowledging an emotion disarms it.

Tomorrow I will cover the next three generations.

I Hate My Thoughts, Will You Listen?

Over the last few weeks I have had a few disappointments and made a few mistakes. When I say a few, three in total over five weeks. (My brain loves to exaggerate things.) Why do I know it is three things in five weeks, because I kept thinking about these disappointments and mistakes, going over and over them. 

Yes, despite the fact that I coach on personal resilience doesn't mean that I think differently to anyone else nor that I can stop negative thoughts coming to the forefront of my mind. What I do know however is that it is normal behaviour and by knowing this means that I can dismiss these negative thoughts as just that, thoughts.

Why am I telling you this, airing to the world that I have negative thoughts? Because I believe that it is important to normalise some of our negative behaviours which in turn might help others who feel the same way as I know that they are no alone or isolated. 

Over recent times we have become disconnected from each other. Evolutionary, we are socially interactive creatures who have suddenly become isolated due mainly to advances in technology. When once we talked about our problems face-to-face we now send an e-message or simply keep it to ourselves.

If technology is the way forward, then perhaps we should start communicating our thoughts and emotions in e-messages. It may not be the best way that us baby-boomers deal with our negative thoughts and emotions but at least we can get younger generations talking about this stuff.

In my humble opinion, a high number of suicides amongst younger people (and sometimes older people) is due to their inability to handle disappointment which leads to guilt and regret as well as a reluctance to communicate their thoughts and emotions leads to feelings of isolation.

Where once we would talk to each other and share our experiences (good and bad) we now tend to keep silent for fear of ridicule or being ‘different’. We aren’t that different, none of us.

Talk more, share more, live more. Let’s talk to each other, let’s listen to each other. If it has to be through e-messages then so be it.

STOP - Make A List

Lists are good for many reasons, here are just three reasons why you should start making lists;

1.      Your brain needs a list to reduce stress - When we write something down, a myriad of things happens in our brain. We engage our logic brain and disengage our emotional brain, we stop our brain from exaggerating complex issues, we relax at night knowing that we have our list for the busy day tomorrow, we are able to let things go much easier, and lists bring us back to reality.

2.     We know where we are and where we need to head to - A list will provide you with your current position at work. Record how much work you have to do and then take another look at the list once completed. Is it really as much work as you thought it was, I bet not. Half the battle at work is that we think that we are busy because we are overwhelmed with information about different things flowing to us at the same time. Furthermore, if your list is a long one, when your boss asks you to undertake more work you can show her/him your list and ask them in which order you want the work completed.

3.     Lists help lodge problems into our subconscious - Because we have been writing things down for generations, our brains have become competent at working on problems when we aren't consciously thinking about them. Write it down, think about it, and forget it. The solution will come to you when you are either doing a physical activity, in the shower, or between 3 and 4 am during our 'creative hour' in the sleep cycle.

Stop worrying, fretting, and stressing. Make a list and relax.