I Hate My Thoughts, Will You Listen?

Over the last few weeks I have had a few disappointments and made a few mistakes. When I say a few, three in total over five weeks. (My brain loves to exaggerate things.) Why do I know it is three things in five weeks, because I kept thinking about these disappointments and mistakes, going over and over them. 

Yes, despite the fact that I coach on personal resilience doesn't mean that I think differently to anyone else nor that I can stop negative thoughts coming to the forefront of my mind. What I do know however is that it is normal behaviour and by knowing this means that I can dismiss these negative thoughts as just that, thoughts.

Why am I telling you this, airing to the world that I have negative thoughts? Because I believe that it is important to normalise some of our negative behaviours which in turn might help others who feel the same way as I know that they are no alone or isolated. 

Over recent times we have become disconnected from each other. Evolutionary, we are socially interactive creatures who have suddenly become isolated due mainly to advances in technology. When once we talked about our problems face-to-face we now send an e-message or simply keep it to ourselves.

If technology is the way forward, then perhaps we should start communicating our thoughts and emotions in e-messages. It may not be the best way that us baby-boomers deal with our negative thoughts and emotions but at least we can get younger generations talking about this stuff.

In my humble opinion, a high number of suicides amongst younger people (and sometimes older people) is due to their inability to handle disappointment which leads to guilt and regret as well as a reluctance to communicate their thoughts and emotions leads to feelings of isolation.

Where once we would talk to each other and share our experiences (good and bad) we now tend to keep silent for fear of ridicule or being ‘different’. We aren’t that different, none of us.

Talk more, share more, live more. Let’s talk to each other, let’s listen to each other. If it has to be through e-messages then so be it.

STOP - Make A List

Lists are good for many reasons, here are just three reasons why you should start making lists;

1.      Your brain needs a list to reduce stress - When we write something down, a myriad of things happens in our brain. We engage our logic brain and disengage our emotional brain, we stop our brain from exaggerating complex issues, we relax at night knowing that we have our list for the busy day tomorrow, we are able to let things go much easier, and lists bring us back to reality.

2.     We know where we are and where we need to head to - A list will provide you with your current position at work. Record how much work you have to do and then take another look at the list once completed. Is it really as much work as you thought it was, I bet not. Half the battle at work is that we think that we are busy because we are overwhelmed with information about different things flowing to us at the same time. Furthermore, if your list is a long one, when your boss asks you to undertake more work you can show her/him your list and ask them in which order you want the work completed.

3.     Lists help lodge problems into our subconscious - Because we have been writing things down for generations, our brains have become competent at working on problems when we aren't consciously thinking about them. Write it down, think about it, and forget it. The solution will come to you when you are either doing a physical activity, in the shower, or between 3 and 4 am during our 'creative hour' in the sleep cycle.

Stop worrying, fretting, and stressing. Make a list and relax.

What I Learned As A Crisis Negotiator

I was fortunate enough to have been involved as a crisis negotiator for over 13 years, having trained in New Zealand, Australia, and with the FBI.

Here are some reflections on things that I learned about communicating which I try to transfer into my personal life;

1.      Never make a promise that you cannot keep - When we break a promise, not only does the person we made it to feel bad but we also feel the same way. Under-promise and over-deliver is a good guide.

2.     Never vindictively tell a lie - Sometimes we need to stretch the truth to make a point, or leave something out of a conversation, perhaps even say something that is untrue – but only if we are doing so as to not hurt someone.

3.     Be the first to give - Always give something first and never ask for anything in return. Why, because the other person will always reciprocate if they have the opportunity to.

4.     Listen - We have two ears and one mouth so that we can do twice as much listening as talking.

5.     Only speak if you have something to say - Silence is the key to listening. Less is more.

6.     Make it about them - Focus on the other person's needs, then your own.  

7.     Be humble - If we take the lower ground, we gain respect. It is so easy to become aggressive if we need to but difficult to retract what we said in anger.

8.     Keep an open mind - A closed mind causes friction and is a barrier to understanding.

9.     Never leave anything unsaid - Just like on a sports field we give everything, the same rule applies in conversations. Say all that you have to say, in particular if expressing emotions. Men often find this one difficult to do. 

10.   Always finish with an agreement - Never leave a conversation on a negative note, always finish on a positive or with an agreement. Otherwise we will harbour animosity, guilt, or regret.

Try Ending With A Positive

In situations where you are to meet with someone to deliver a message that they may not want to hear, try ending your invitational message with a positive statement.

Often we are restricted in what we can do for others through company policies and procedures. When this occurs try these two strategies;

Firstly, we usually break bad news by stating the good stuff first to 'break the ice' so to speak - "I can do some of what you asked of me but you should know that I am restricted in what I can do for you." Structuring the sentence in this way is much easier for the person delivering the message.

Instead, try reversing the sentence to - "I am unable to do everything that I wanted to do for you however there are some things that I can do, let's talk about those when we meet".

This ends with a positive and also replaced the word 'BUT' with the word 'HOWEVER'. The person will meet with you in more of a positive mood knowing that there are some things that you can do for them.

Secondly, when you do meet with the person, explain why you can't do all of what you wanted to do for them. "I am somewhat restricted in what I can do for you due to our policies which are in place for consistency, fairness, or everyone's safety."

It is important to explain why the restrictions are in place, i.e. the purpose of the policy/guidelines. Simply saying "I can't do this because of our policy" may cause the person to say "Well your policies are stupid and you need to change them." 

End your sentences on a positive note, particularly in emotional situations. 

The Secret To Negotiations - Stop Problem-Solving

Want to know the true secret to negotiation and mediation? Stop trying to find a swift resolution.

So often when we are in emotional situations we go straight to problem-solving. Research shows that men are the worst at this, we just want to help you to get on with things and move forward.

Just like a book that has a beginning, middle and end to complete the story, so too do negotiations/mediations. However, the order is different.

Start in the middle, what are you facing you right now? Ask the other person, "So what is important to you right now?" Or perhaps, "Let's look at where we are at this moment." This brings everyone to the same state and focuses on the topic.

The next step is to go back in time to examine how you got to the present point. While it is sometimes good to be in the here and now then move forward, in emotional situations you need to find out the underlying issues. Say "I would like to know more about how we came to this point" or "Tell me what happened prior to this point so that I can get a better understanding of your situation."

By doing this, you allow the other person to explain their situation, they will tell you how they 'feel' about things as the story unfolds, and you allow them to vent. Because they vent as they talk to you, their logic brain will engage.

An acknowledged emotion is disarmed. Therefore, use words such as frustrating, confusing, complicated, annoying, etc. Why, because this is the underlying reason (the cause) of anger and rage. 

The third step is to move on with a mutual agreement. So often we suggest something first and wait for the response. Try asking the other person "So what would you like to see as an outcome?" If you have allowed the other person to vent adequately and have listened through active listening skills, you would by now have gained a rapport.

Furthermore, by asking them to go first you have made it about them and they will feel obliged to allow you to suggest a resolution.

Stop problem solving, allow an open discussion, use the 8 active listening skills strategies, and go back over the past before moving forward.

Your negotiation/mediation will be much easier.